Colour Her {Hope}

I’m sitting here with our precious Shailo snuggled against my chest, listening to my heart beat, beat, beat. His favourite place to lay, his most cozy comfy spot. Chase is nestled up next to us on the couch with his beloved stripey pillow and a warm, freshly dried blankie. His feet tucked underneath my leg to stay warm and probably for comfort – momma is close by.

I absolutely {love} this. And oh how my heart, and quite possibly theirs, needed this today.

I’ve held back a lot lately with the truth of where I am and today I just really want to share. I feel raw and open and ready for what’s to come with pushing publish on this post.

But first, a poem my momma gave me from Streams in the Desert;

Once I heard a song of sweetness,

As it cleft the morning air, 

Sounding in its blest complteness,

Like a tender, pleading prayer;

And I sought to find the singer,

Whence the wondrous song was borne;

And I found a bird, sore wounded,

Pinioned by a cruel thorn.

I have seen a sould in sadness,

While its wings with pain were furl’d,

Giving hope, and cheer and gladness,

That should bless a weeping world;

And I knew that life of sweetness,

Was of pain and sorrow borne,

And a stricken soul was singing,

With its heart against a thorn.

Ye are told of One who loved you, 

Of a Saviour crucified, 

Ye are told of nails that pinioned, 

And a spear that pierced his side;

Ye are told  of cruel scourging,

Of a Saviour bearing scorn,

And He died for your salvation,

With His brown against a thorn.

Ye “are not above the Master.”

Will you breathe a sweet refrain?

And His grace will be sufficient,

When your heart is pierced with pain.

Will you live to bless His loved ones,

Tho’ your life be bruised and torn,

Like a bird that sang so sweetly,

With its heart against a thorn?

 How beautiful, right? I cry even now as I read it again.

I could probably do a blog post for each thing that’s on my heart and mind today; depression and anxiety. feeling like a failures. finding identity in things we do and in others. high expectations of others and of ourselves. believing lies in mommahood. The list goes on… and because I don’t really know where to begin because, today I think I’ll kind of clump it all together. So if that sounds intriguing, read on. ;)

I know many dear dear loved ones, both friends and family, who struggle with depression or anxiety. Looking at their lives I never once felt it was a sign of weakness for them. Never. Yet here I am today, being incredibly raw, yes, but terrified to press publish on this post. Fear of what others might think of me or where I’m at. I always fear of someone telling me (face to face or through social media) that I speak to much of Eisley or that it’s time for me to move on or that they are tired of hearing about her and our loss. Today I’m sharing because honestly, I feel really broken and confused and my heart needs to hear from others and their experiences and wisdom, etc in this area of feeling depressed, anxious or like a failure.

It’s been a slow downward spiral for me. It wasn’t like one morning I sudden woke and felt this way. It’s been a slow digression. I’ve allowed myself to believe lies about who I am and how I’m doing things. I’ve found myself seeking for the approval of those around me that I love most. I’ve also placed high and unrealistic expectations on myself and those I love. Seeking for comfort, seeking for a way to fill this void within me. I feel lost, confused and broken. I’ve been trying to seek after His heart for me and sometimes I feel that is so abstract that I just don’t even know how to do that as well…

I’ve feared sharing the truth with people for a while now, because if I shared how I am really doing perhaps they’d think Eisley’s life didn’t change me for the better. Perhaps they’d think that the peace I talked of feeling when we lost her, was all a lie. I know that I am in an entirely different place than I was last year. Last year, I did feel peace (even though in my current state I sometimes doubt myself, I know I did). Here I am now, 15 months after her death I feel more angry and confused and broken than ever before…ever in my life.

6 weeks ago we gave birth to our 3rd. Yet we brought home our 2nd child. It’s both an incredibly beautiful and healing , yet confusing time. Even though this isn’t his birth story, I wanted to share a few photos with you that Ted captured just moments away from Shailo’s birth. It pretty much sums up how I was feeling and where I know Ted was at as well.

Fearful and anxious

Crying out to Him within. Oh Jesus, please…

Let him be okay.

Let him scream, let him scream.

And oh, did he scream (they actually recorded his first scream for us!). I “wept” (just a few tears – as much as a sedated temporarily paralyzed woman could ;)) Why am I sharing this now and not solely in his birth story? I felt these pictures truly do paint a thousand words – for that moment but also for where I feel I’m at now.

I was worried that many would think Shailo’s birth would suddenly “cure me” of my aching and grieving Eisley, so I closed myself up to sharing what I’ve really been feeling these past 6 weeks.  In my pregnancy, I found myself healing in some ways with each milestone, each ultrasound and each time I heard the sound of his healthy, beating heart. At his birth, I did find myself healing in some ways. Not just in regards to losing our daughter but also healing in the birth alone. This was the first birth that wasn’t traumatizing and dream shattering for us. What I am getting at with everything that has happened in the past year and in the past 6 weeks… just as those photos above show, I am feeling an array of emotions and even in the midst of beauty I still ache. Sometimes it’s a dull ache and sometimes a sharp and piercing on which takes my breath away. I’ve been in limbo with both since we’ve had Shailo.

Celebrating his life with this dull ache in my heart. Feeling incredibly thankful for his every breath and also aching as the loss of hers. Last year I had already found the holidays to be incredibly painful without her here with our little family. This year this hasn’t changed and maybe find it even more painful, especially now that we’ve added a precious new baby. In every moment of our little family’s celebrations, victories, dreams coming true, etc… I ache and miss her and long for her to be apart of this. She should be celebrating with us.

I struggle with thoughts lately, such as; Does feeling this way and feeling depressed and anxious mean that we feel as though His grace isn’t sufficient in pain? Or is this a part of our journey? Is this a part that we will share with a weeping world in due time or can we share now, while broken and confused? Does “finding our identity in Him” mean we have to have it all together? Can we be in Him and be a broken mess too? I feel as though He’s really guiding me ever-so-gently along this journey through my grieving, through my new and growing confusion, even when and maybe especially, as these questions have risen up within me lately.

Please share your heart and thoughts with me. I know many a broken people, many with their “heart against a thorn” and I’m asking, please share with me your wisdom, your struggles, your victories, your heart…

Please.

Much love,

Jami