Grace.
May 5, 2011
I’m on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold
only memories
are left for me to hold
Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself togetherTheres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unrealNothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself togetherTheres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unrealNothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace
I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world
Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change
Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace
Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace
-KateHavnevik
(heard this song among many others lately that have deeply touched my heart and ring true)
Almost 8 months later and it is still so hard for me to grasp. She is gone. I know people are tired of hearing this. I know many would love to hear me say “I’m doing much better now, thanks” but the truth is I’m not. I’m struggling to even get myself off the couch a lot these days. I do, but it’s a serious battle.
I miss her so much I ache. I watch Chase grow and become a little boy and always miss his baby sister beside him. I can’t help but think about what that would have been like. What she would have been like here with us. How she would have changed our family dynamic, here. I still think of those things and much, much more. I still ache. And to be honest, for all those who feel I should be healed or moving forward or feel complete peace by now, sometimes I just want to scream aloud… it’s been 8 freaking months. Not 8 years. 8 months. I even had someone pray against my “spirit of grief” and it broke my heart even more. Why do I ever share aloud?
I NEED grace. When it’s not given or when I feel wounded for even saying anything, I began to shove it in, and feel so upset that I shut myself up from sharing with others.
I heard one too many comments on where I should be or a look of “I’m done talking with you” when people ask how doing and realize they didn’t really care, that I slowly began to shrink back from speaking honestly and freely with just anyone. But tonight, I realized, this is a place I can and will freely write.
Maybe honestly to hear someone say it’s really okay where I am at. Even to hear from those who’ve walked this road before me…To know I’m not failing because I’m still grieving and aching so very deeply. The flip side is I do have a pretty incredible support in my loving friends and family. I get caught up on the negative too much, but I think it’s because I really can’t imagine saying or doing some of the things I’ve been faced with from others since we’ve lost our daughter.
Whew… came on to just share this song… and look at me now. I’m a pretty big wreck, a broken mess and missing my Eisley-girl more than my words or tears could ever express…
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9 Comments leave one →
I am a stranger who follows you on Twitter but I just wanted to say that I am praying for you. I have never experienced this kind of grief and I can’t imagine how you would ever get over it. I think it’s good that you are honest with how you feel. Stay strong!
xo
<3
Thanks for continuing to press through and be honest. Your desire to be real impacts me deeply all the time, and I’m so thankful for it. Thanks for enduring in order to be true to yourself and to influence the lives of those who love you to do the same. Every day that passes, every month that goes by marks a day or month of progress. When we process our lives and let God heal us…sometimes it gets quite a bit darker before we see the light at the end. And I believe with all my heart that you are letting that process have freedom to move forward. Keep it up girl…you can do it. I believe in you.
I love your honesty. This is a process that you have to battle through and only you and God know how long it’s going to take. But just know that you have a friend here willing to lend and ear (i’d give more if we only lived closer) to listen to whatever it is you have to say. I like what the person before me said… Keep it up girl because YES, you can do it! I believe in you as well. <3 you so much friend.
I so agree with what other people have already said. This is something between you and God! Even for other people who have gone through it… it is different for them, it is different for you, it will be different for the next person.
I pray that you will be able to continue getting up off the couch and that God will continue to show you His grace!
I knew there was a verse about God’s grace being sufficient and I was trying to think of where it was found. I have a bookmarks toolbar underneath the URL bar on my computer, and I saw one that says “BibleGateway.com” so I clicked on it. And it took me to this:
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Wow. I guess I loved this verse and wanted to save it for when I needed it! Anyways, I’m still praying for you and Ted and Chase!
jami, thanks for posting this. i can relate to a lot of your feelings regarding your grief and just know that you aren’t alone. while my situation is different, it’s still painful and i am all too familiar with those days of struggling to get out of bed. each person is different and their process of grief is unique to them. you are right where the father wants you. thank you so much for sharing this. makes me feel not as crazy in my own situation. continuing to send prayers your way. much love.
Hey Jami…. Keep ‘em coming! I truly believe this is part of your heart healing and processing. I love who you are!
I too am a stranger that follows your blog (although…I know the Rowlans!), and my heart wrenched when I read the bit about someone pryaing against of “spirit of grief”. I am SO sorry that happened to you. I think that people, sadly enough Christians, are so afraid of truly feeling that we think it’s better to pray “against it”. The truth is we MUST feel…deeply…to get through the valleys. We must accept, embrace and choose to feel our feelings in order to be free (whatever that looks like for you). So…I encourage you to keep feeling…as horrid as it is some days. It’s in the those deepest, darkest moments that true joy, life, freedom (whatever you need) will spring forth at just the right moment. Keep feeling and saying “yes” to Him…even if it’s a tiny whisper. Much love to you, dear one.
Rachel from MN
You have amazing strength and courage to share your journey! Grief hits in waves – there are good days and miserable days. Eventually, there will be more good than miserable. There are no time parameters as to when you should or should not get past it. Keep telling your story, as you step out in courage, you will find strength in recognizing how far you have come and will feel the firm grasp of Heavenly hands that have held you all along. Bless you heaps as you heal. <3