wide-eyed boys.

An image heavy post about Chaseyboy and Shai’s first aquarium trip. (the first week of June, bottom photos of recent trips)

Another incredible gift from my mother-in-law, Anisa, was a pass to the Denver Aquarium. The boys absolutely love it. Each time it’s a wide-eyed experience for them.{mesmerized}Chase and I absolutely love the sea turtles. There is just something so cool about them. honestly, I’m kind of diggin’ this pass myself! It’s just an all around fun time for all of us. Even Shai, our little silly goose (pictured here at 7 months), loves watching the fishies  go by.

Chaseyboy enjoys seeing the tiger amongst all of the fishes. Quite random, but cool :)

A nice little perk with our pass, is getting to do a few fun things like getting our faces painted, feeding the sting rays, etc! (photos below taken phone)

the jellies.

This was my view for yesterday’s entire Aquarium trip. Love how mesmerized he is! (left photo with a filter, right photo is without a filter. He’s got SUPER blue eyes!)

This is probably our favourite spot in the aquarium. You’re surrounded and it’s awesome!

During one of our trips we just happened to be there during one of the mermaid shows. Chase was confused to the max, but it was still pretty awesome to watch! He was also one of the only little boys standing near the window so he got a lot of special attention from the mermaids as they swam down. kinda cute :)

What a fun experience for kiddos. I still remember the trips my family took when I was a little girl, so I know this will be a sweet memory for our boys!

Thanks for popping by! What kind of fun family things do you remember doing as a child? What kinds of things do you enjoy doing with your family?

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happy valentine’s day!

while pregnant with Shailo i found this little “chicks dig me” flinstone shirt that my aunt bought while for Chase in 2010. i just couldn’t help it and of course {had} to do another paper hearts photoshoot. looking at the two of them side to side (chase: 7 months here and Shailo 3 months) we are stunned at how much they really do look alike!

and maybe even more stunned by how fast timing is flying by. just whoa.

here’s some shots from our little paper hearts photoshoot with the boys;

(one of my new faves of these two!)

Ted did take some of his own shots of Shailo while I was but I only uploaded my shots. He may post a few of his shots on his photo blog if you want to pop by.

{Happy Valentine’s Day}

-J

insta-friday {4}

joining in with Life Rearranged for Insta-Friday fun :) Here are bits and pieces of the last 3 weeks

If you follow me on instagram you’ll sure see a lot of these two :)

Middle: Chase is currently obsessed with Cars 2 that Grandma Anisa bought him. Here (middle pic) he was picking up his cars and showing Shailo each one; “Franchesso” “Liking Makeen” and “madar”. So stinkin’ cute!

Right: We also found our Bumbo seat for Shailo and he {loves} it as he prefers to be upright and looking around.

Shai turned 3 months old this past week.

Chase and I working on a wreath. He peeled off every sticker on the back of the felt and “we” made a million-bazillion flowers for this particular wreath. A bit of a DIY coming soon (for the flowers).

Left: One night while crafting (on my current crafting space which is our living room floor) I turned to find my littlest man had rolled for the first time ever! {Shocked} me! Right: clean baby smells and smiles.

Left: Chase enjoying a mustache pop that was from a frozen bunch from our Mustache or Bows party. (I don’t like them anyways, but ew? he loved it.) Middle: Chase is a good big brother but has had a rough go round the past few weeks. We decided to start taking him out, with just one of us – daddy or momma – and {just} Chasey-boy on mini dates to even just simple errands like a late night Target run, or a grocery or bank run, etc. He’s really loved those special times. Right: Chase enjoying the crazy wind that blew one day.

{oh my heart} enough said.

(both Pinterest inspired) Left: made some cute hair pieces. Right: boiled leftover orange peels and a little bit cinnamon. ah.ma.zing.

left: Chase wanted a drool bib on like Shai. too funny. middle: waiting for momma to blow on their bellies. Right: morning crawl-in-momma’s-bed-and-snuggle, pillow talk.

yet another pinterest inspired idea. Chalkboard canvas. I made a mini one for Chase so now he too can join me in doing a weekly chalkboard quote/verse or in his case – rad art.

for the first time in MONTHS I got my hair cut and layered by my sister. I had to get 2 1/2 – 3 inches of split ends cut off. :( it’s still longer than my usual short layered style and now, WAY healthier. Thanks, sis :)

Thought it’d be a blast for daddy and momma to take Chase sledding for the first time. WRONG. He hated it and cried and cried and cried. Shocked us both! I may just have to post the hilarious pictures Ted took of the experience. :)

It snowed quite a bit here this past week so we enjoyed some time outside! (no sledding ;))

DIYs for both of these coming to the blog this weekend and next week!!

and now for my fav…

my all time fav of Shai. little smirk. oh my word…

Have a great weekend!

(instagram: @colourherhope)

life rearranged

Insta-Friday {2}

Oh golly, I would {hug} the makers of instagram (seriously). I love to capture the moments along our journey in life and this tool makes it even easier than ever before. I seriously {love} it and I think my mother-in-law way up in Alaska appreciates all the documentation of her grandbabies as well ;) Here are some photos from the past month. I hope to do insta-friday from here on out so not to cram all of them into one post again. Plus it’s fun to reminisce on some of the things that took place in our week!

a few ‘you know you’re a momma to a boy when…’ moments captured.

Left: Last Saturday my beautiful friend Alaina wed. I was supposed to be standing beside her (in Illinois) in my beautiful black bridesmaid dress but instead sat on the couch (in Colorado) in a Breckenridge shirt and jammie bottoms crying my eyes out. True story. I had to make the toughest decision after realizing I couldn’t make it happen and that my family needed me more in this time. It was hard but I’m SO thankful I was able to watch it LIVE! Right: We’ve all been sick this week. Shailo’s been a trooper despite the many meetings with this suctioner aka miracle worker as you can see. :)
Perhaps my favourite moments captured this week. Chase and his great-grandfather, Willard (my grandpa)Colorado has had a bit of a “heat wave” the past week so we ventured out to our nearby park.

daily fun with my boys.
how stinkin’ cute?!left: bath time bubbles. right: blue bath time fun. Sesame Street Fizzy bathtub colours. $1 for 9 different colour tablets!! Your kiddo(s) would LOVE em’!

Ted captured Shai’s blue, blue eyes. Taken by Ted – go check out some of his latest work.
A major part of our lives right now; organizing, simplifying, de-cluttering- you name it. It’s a must this year. A must.A before and after of Ted’s office space. Displaying some of Ted’s film photography.Left: replaced Ted’s film work with a few of my fav intax photos. Right: Ted’s bookcase at the moment. He’s outgrown yet another one! CRAZY man will have a library by next year at this rate ;)Last week I went on a spontaneous date night to Sherlock Holmes WITH a modern day Sherlock. ;) No, but seriously. Ted caught a guy stealing, running to a getaway car and take off. These guys have been robbing many stores in Fort Collins and they caught them! We joked that Ted has been watching too much White Collar on his winter break from school ;)
And finally, me and my beautiful, and surprisingly strong, 2 month old boy. My mini me with blue eyes.

You can find me on instagram: @colourherhope

life rearranged

back in september

(disclaimer: this post is really raw)

I keep reliving every moment. The good and the bad, mostly the traumatic. My heart and my mind still aren’t connecting in some ways. I just want everything to make sense and it doesn’t. Our little E was perfectly healthy. Perfect. What happened? What went wrong? “The placenta was too damamged by the bleeding”. How is that an answer? I know that even if I had an “answer” it wouldn’t be good enough.

I try so hard to understand, to try and make sense of everything and I let my mind go back to the first time I started bleeding and how terrified we were, to when they told us she was barely growing, to the first time on bedrest, to the first time they told us our chances of her surviving were slim, to the heart monitoring almost daily and then to the day I just knew something wasn’t right…

and it wasn’t.

I mostly flashback to the day, September 14th, when I realized something was terribly wrong. When searched for her hearbeat but only found mine racing because I knew she was gone. I flashback to the 3 days of labor and how often I’d ask them to drug me up not only so I wouldn’t feel anything physically, but because I didn’t want to feel anything at all. It was all too much. I remember as I was in labor and the tiniest part of me hoping for a miracle still. Hoping that when I delivered her, she would be screaming at the top of her lungs. That our daughter who we’d been dreaming of, and we’d all been hoping and praying for, would be alive.

I flashback to the moments we first held her. The first time I laid eyes on her and how beautiful she was. I close my eyes and cling to those memouries for they are all I have. I try and remember the peace I felt as I held her because I sure as hell don’t feel that peace now. I flashback to holding my beautiful, yet lifeless daughter…. and this is where I stay.

I feel stuck there. I feel as though I left her back in September and my life keeps moving forward at full speed. I need to go back and get her and bring her home… but I can’t. It’s like a horrible, terrible nightmare playing over and over in my head but it’s not a nightmare, it’s our reality. She is gone.

The mother heart in me is unsettled. As a mother you’d give anything to protect your child, to make sure they are nourished and well taken care of. You’d give your life for them in a second.

One day my fms sat us in her office and told me Eisley’s chances of living were close to none. She hoped that she would make it but believed that she would not. She told me I had a few options. 1. I could stay in the hospital doing what I was or 2. I could go home and live life like I was before and “let nature take it’s course”…

I felt so sick. How dare you even suggest that to me? The heart of a mother knew to keep fighting regardless of what the chances were, regardless of the heartbreak I might possible feel is the very thing we’d hoped for didn’t happen. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself had I chosen the second option. It wasn’t even an option for us.

We fought, and fought, and fought to keep her alive. And she fought, she fought a fight a baby never ever should. I am so proud of her and how hard she fought to live. They always told me she was “beating the odds” and “she is a fighter”.

I often think “why?”, “what happened?”, “what really went wrong” and have even ventured to the questions of “why us?” “why Eisley?”

I find myself in these really uncomfortable and sometimes terribly horrible places as I’m reminded of our loss. Our grief is constant and yet it’s also revisited with each flashback or reminder that she’s gone. Revisited as I suddenly remember the dreams I had for her and things I wanted to do with her and for her. Even silly things like the cute outfits and accessories and headbands and barretts that I wanted to make for her. How I’d imagine her first year photoshoot in a little tutu and pink converse. How I’d dreamt of her first canvas painting (like we did with Chase) in pink and orange paint everywhere and all over her. How I wanted her to be artsy and crafty like me. How I wanted to dress her like her momma. How I created teal and pink converse just so the two of us could be matchy matchy… the list goes on, and on, and on….from the tiniest and silliest little dreams to the biggest, most meaningful dreams.

I am also having a hard time differentiating truth and lies of people’s intentions towards me and it’s almost impossible for me to think clearly regarding this area right now. I am trying to find the balance in my heart and in my head of reading or hearing of what others write or tell me (when they know what we have/are going through) and somehow learning to not take it personally. To somehow let it go and not become wounded and bitter by everyone who writes whatever I read. (I wrote about it a it this post) I’ve even “removed” myself from the social networks for the most part and it’s helped a little bit but it all boils down to grieving and being envious. And the truth is I will always be reminded of our loss, especially right now in the thick of it.

Let me just say here I NEVER ever wish what we’ve gone through on someone else (hopefully if you know me, you know that).  I am happy for others and their healthy babies yet I think it makes sense that I am envious. To envy is to have a feeling of discontentment and to be honest I do.  To be jealous of someone is to be resentful of what they have. I am really trying to not go down that path. Please pray for me. I don’t want to resent. I am envious because I miss our girl and the reminders and really hard. Someday they might get easier. But everyone and their mom is having babies or pregnant right now ;) so it’s especially hard.

Just the other night as I drove to pick Ted up from work  (just me), I screamed out the deep anger that’s been welling up inside me and cried so hard that my face was swollen badly and my voice was raw. I am so thankful that God can handle me in that state. I haven’t ventured there often but when I do it feels so… healing. And He is faithful to remind me of who He is, even still, even amidst.

Where am I at, one day prior to my daughter’s due date? I’m an array of emotions, most healthy and some unhealthy ones that I am working through. I am praying for peace, but I kind of recognize it’s okay that I’m a mess right now. While everything else is unsettled within me I know without a doubt God is with us, He is still trustworthy and my daughter’s life has changed us and so many for the better. I am going to move inspired by her little life. I hope and long to be the voice, the art, the song, the creativity for my sweet E.

I am writing and being pretty vulnerable because I need your your prayers, your love, your support and please, your sensitivity.

Tomorrow is Eisley’s due date. My heart breaks even writing that…please stand with us in prayer for our hearts.

Long before she existed…

One of my best friends drove up to visit me last week. We talked about memory she had of when I first told her of Eisley’s name. It was in the little apartment that we shared. I wasn’t even married to Ted yet, but here we were talking about Eisley. Obviously she didn’t exist yet but her name and what it meant to me did. The dreams I had for my little Eisley-girl did. I’ve been dreaming of having my little E long before she existed. Chey told me that when I shared Eisley’s name she thought to herself  “One day I’m going to get to meet that little girl.”  Such a precious memory that now we’ll hold very dear to our hearts.

Then 7ish years later, at our ‘Pink or Blue’ Party we screamed in delight as we found out we were having a little girl. Chey came to me and said to me, “Jam, your finally having your little Eisley!” As Chey and I talked about her, we both just sat crying bittersweet tears. Even though it wasn’t the way I had dreamt it would be, I did indeed have my sweet little Eisley and she’s changed my life forever.

Whenever I dreamt of having my first little girl, my sweet Eisley, I never once imagined losing her. When I dreamt of Eisley, I imagined a little dark haired girl with big brown eyes looking up at me, with her hand in mine. Never once imagined that would actually never happen.

I didn’t actually want to write a blog that was morbid or depressing, because in this moment, I feel so overwhelmed with how blessed I was (and am) to have had my little Eisley. My sweet little girl. Long before she exisited I dreamt of her, I feel like I’ve known her for years.

This is obviously not what I had expected, or dreamt of… yet tonight I sit with a full and thankful heart to have such precious memouries despite how short her time with us was;

  •  the first time I “named her” back when I was just 16-years-old
  • Ted choosing Antalya as her middle name, meaning “beautiful” and “break of day” long before she existed (September 08)
  •  finding out I was pregnant with our “surprise baby” 7 years after picking out her first name
  • the first time I felt her movements within
  • the first time Ted and I (at the same time) felt her movements from the outside.
  • the moment we cut the cake and found out she was indeed our little Eisley ( I feel like I knew the whole time ), to the first time I called her by name and how amazing that felt. My Eisley was here at last.
  • recognizing how perfect and fitting her name really was for her
  • her reacting to my voice when I sang “you are my sunshine” or the song I sang over her throughout our days in the hospital
  • the one day that her heart rate read “143” on the monitor, over and over again. This might seem so little and silly, but this actually was much more than a coincidence for me. “143” was Ted’s way of telling me he loved me before he said “I love you” to me. He always wrote me little stickey notes and put them on my desk at work, or in random things of mine. When I saw her heart kept beating at a rate of 143. I just started crying. She knew her mommy and loved me so. I know that with everything in me.
  • getting to see our baby girl so frequently throughout our pregnancy with her via ultrasounds. We {cherish} those memories so much. Our only time we got to “see” our sweet Eisley, alive and full of movements.
  • the night before she passed away, when Ted talked to her and she reacted to his voice. As if she was saying goodbye. (makes me cry even now.)
  • Even though the time in the hospital was so difficult, I was truly never alone. I got so much alone time with my sweet girl. I often thought that if she would have made it, the deep connection I already felt with her in my womb would have been incredibly strong outside of the womb.

There are little memories throughout that I will always hold dear to my heart. I am so thankful for such precious memories.

This week I was sorting through and organizing all of my crafty stuff and I found a scrapbook my mom had made (and I’m finishing) of when I was pregnant with Chase and everything I ever wrote/documented during that time. It’s incredible and so full. As I flipped through it, I thought to myself “Eisley will never have a scrapbook” but then immediately remembered all of the journal/blog entries I wrote while I was pregnant with her. I decided to put a scrapbook together of my Eisley-girl and our journey with her and how she’s impacted our lives.

I began it just a few days ago and I am already 8 pages in. I actually began with the blog posts/journal entries/letters I wrote after she passed away, which might sound morbid, but I was afraid to start with what I wrote when she was alive. I think it’s going to be incredibly hard to read everything again but this time, knowing she isn’t here with us.

I am putting “everything Eisley” into this album. I am putting my {whole heart} into it as well. If you come visit me, don’t be surprised if I pull it out to show you, so you can catch a snitbit of who Eisley was and is to us, to me. I have realized this week that there are so many memouries and SO many little things going into Eisley’s scrapbook even though she never made it outside of my womb. I am in awe of how many precious memouries we have.

Thank you Jesus for these precious memouries and dreams, even the ones long before she existed. Thank you for our sweet Eisley-girl.

The follow-up appointment.

Yesterday I had my follow-up appointment where they check to see how I am recovering from giving birth. (Unfortunately Ted wasn’t able to go because of school.)

I was okay until I was a few minutes out from the clinic but the closer I got, the more overwhelmed I became. Was this really happening? All of this? I sometimes feel like I have crawled into someone else’s body. When I had read stories before about mothers losing their babies, I honestly just never thought, “this could someday be me”. You just never expect to this to happen to you. You never expect it and even if you expected this, you’d never be able to prepare for the heartache.

I arrived and made my way up 3 floors to the clinic. I signed in and sat down, feeling sick to my stomach. The waiting room was empty. Thank you, God. (I can handle my close friends who are pregnant, but with strangers I find it hard. Maybe it’s because my close friends know what we’ve walked through and are super sensitive to us in this time.)

I sat where I had sat many times last year in my pregnancy with Chase and read pregnancy magazines, with not a worry in the world.  The same spot where this year I had sat many times in my pregnancy with Eisley, where I would try to read a magazine to take my mind of the coming appointment but was usually unable to focus due to the tears. Yesterday, I couldn’t even bring myself to look over at the stack of pregnancy magazines. I just sat, with my head on my hand and took deep breaths so not to cry (I really didn’t want to walk into the appointment a blubbering mess).

Once they called me in and put me in a room to wait for Dr. Hill, the tears began. The nurse handed me a clipboard and had me do a survey-thingy to determine if I might be suffering from postpartum depression and there was a spot which read Baby’s name_________ and I cried as I wrote Eisley Antalya. Dr. Hill came in and hugged me tight. That might sound weird, but it’s really not. I am so grateful for that amazing man. Thank you, God for him.

They did the check up and turns out I am healing great (physically) for having delivered 5 weeks ago today. My muscles are still aching from being on bedrest and unused for so long, but they told me that it is normal and will take much longer to get muscle strength back.

And then something happened that I wasn’t at all prepared for … not that you could prepare, I guess. Dr. Hill also had the results back from the chromosome tests run on Eisley. I am going to share the results here but will blog again soon with how we are doing after hearing the news.

Eisley was absolutely perfect. Nothing was wrong with her. There was no reason other than my placenta alone failed her.

Our Eisley was perfect.

Often & In Everything.

I talk about Eisley often.

If you were to come to the house, you’d see, I want to talk about her. I would bring her up randomly in our conversation and throughout your stay (or at least, I would want to.) I’d want to show you the her little foot imprints so you can actually get an idea of her size.

I would talk about her often, becasue I think about her so much.

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me for wanting to talk about her as often as I do so I usually try and stifle the desire to talk about her with everyone. I wonder if something is wrong with me because a lot of what we’ve gone through with her was so shocking and traumatic and yet I want to talk about everything still. I want to talk about my time in the hospital, about when I found out I lost her, about the three days of labor and what I felt, about her birth, about coming home and what that felt like, etc.

As you’ve seen on here, I want to talk. I realized recently why that is.

For one, I am processing through everything and sometimes, I think I am trying so hard to make sense of something that never will. So I talk and write and talk and write.

But I feel like the main reason for wanting to talk about her so often is because I am afraid of losing the memouries of the time I had with her. I am afraid I will forget something. It’s already been one month since her birth and I am afraid of how fast time is flying past. I’m clinging tightly to the time I did have with her.

Even more than I talk about Eisley, I think about her. I think about what life would have been like with her here with us. And a lot of things make me think of her too.

Just in the past few days;

I thought about her when I was in Once Upon a Child and they had an entire section of cute little girly hair barretts and headbands. I thought about her when I was painting my nails timbleberry pink for a wedding and pictured myself painting her little nails too. I thought about her when I took Chase to the pumpkin patch where we took him last year and I thought “Eisley should here with us.” I thought about her when I saw my girlfriend’s 5-month-old daughter, Adylan and remembered how we had talked about Eisley and Adylan being friends. I think about her when I see my belly and sometimes I still catch my hand on my belly as if she were still there, which might sound weird, but when you are pregnant, I don’t think you realize how often you do that.  As we drove to our friend’s mountain wedding yesterday, Ted said “There should be two carseats in the back. There should be four of us going to the wedding.” …my heart broke. He thinks about her all of the time too.

Today, I thought about her when I saw this in the newspaper today so I put it in my journal;

I talk about and think of her often and I guess that is what I need right now. It’s hard to live life without her but I will always cherish the time I had with her and I hope to carry on her legacy and be inspired daily by her little life that touched mine so.

Happy Anniversary Baby Blog!

One year ago today I started our baby blog; writing through the morning sickness, the stretching skin, the emotions and excitement as we embarked on the journey to becoming parents!

One year ago today I had my first post; We’re pregnant!

Let’s reminisce!
weeks 6, 10, 13, 15
weeks 15, 16, 18, 20
weeks 22, 23, 24, 25
weeks 26, 29, 31, 35
weeks 38, 39, 40, 42
A total of 48lbs gained, going from a 26″ to a 43″ belly at 9 days overdue, a 42 hour labor resulting in a c-section, I can honestly say it was well worth it!!
More than words can say, I mean look at him. ;)

Here we are, 190 posts, 42(+) week by week pregnancy pics and 1 beautiful baby boy, later!
One year, wow. I truly can’t believe how much has happened in the past year.

We are so thankful for the past year and especially our lil Chase Journey.
Stay tuned in the next years, as my belly is sure to grow again with many more lil Jami or Ted Davis’!
(Yeah, that’s write birth story, I’m still stickin’ to having more babies!)

Welcome to my heart.

A Song I made up after Chase was born. It’s so simple yet he loves it when I sing it to him.
Welcome to my heart,
You’ve stolen it.
There’s no other part,
You haven’t been. (x2)
Cause,
You, you are my boy
You, you are my joy
You, you are my boy
You, you are my joy
Welcome to my heart
You’ve stolen it.