simultaneously.

i have realized something in the past few months and as it slowly but surely resonates with my heart and mind, i am finding freedom.

i am beginning to come to understand my simultaneously grieving yet, thankful heart. that it is really okay that they both exist. and that (for me) there cannot be guilt in this. i can’t really say i fully understand or comprehend this idea, but in my heart it resonates. it happens each and every day.

today is actually a good example of this very thing;

august 8th holds a fun new milestone as well as a precious memoury that we hold dear to our hearts.

today, Shailo is 9 months old, which is unbelievable to me! (photo taken today at his 9 month checkup)

it is also the anniversary of when we found out that our Eisley was a girl at our Pink or Blue party.

i’m reminded in dates and anniversaries, like today. and i’m reminded in the little every day moments. recently, i stood watching a moment happen at the Zoo and instantaneously felt full of both thankfulness and sorrow. thankful for what my eyes beheld before me in that second; my precious boys. sorrow in knowing their sister would never be apart of even the smallest moments like these.

both of these feelings, sometimes existing at the same time or sometimes one right after the other, it’s something that has burdened me and overwhelmed me with guilt until recently. but they no longer need to and it is this very idea that i have to let go. i have to quit trying to wrap my mind around it and just go with these feelings.

they are happening.

they are very real.

they are often and in my everyday.

i imagine that each and every one of us has come to know that life is oh so beautiful and oh so painful.

it is both bitter and sweet.

and while we will never truly understand how the two can really coincide, how they can often go hand in hand, i know that His grace, His mercy, His peace… they carry us through these moments.

i’m super sleepy and i really hope  that despite my inability to think straight, i was able to share what i really wanted to tonight. i guess i just wanted to share (publicly) with the hope that maybe in this blog post, in my sharing this vulnerable bit of my mind, maybe it could help someone.

i don’t have answers for why things happen. why often there is the bitter with the sweet. but i know that He carries us.

maybe we ought to let go of trying to comprehend all of this and feel what we need to feel.

maybe in this, we will find healing.

maybe if we let go, we will find a greater understanding of what it means to really live life – because we come to feel these very things.

yeah, that makes sense in my head, hope what i am trying to get out resonates in someone reading this now.

xoxo, jami

7 month Shai.

In just 3 days Shailo will be 9 months. 9. I am in utter shock at how fast time has flown! I realized I never got around to posting his 7 or 8 month photos, so here I am, playing catchup :)

7 months was OH SO EXCITING! :)

Below are photos taken with my phone during his 7 month.Left: Shai next to the outfit we brought him home in. Right: brothers and a puff explosion.
In his 7 month, his top teeth began to bother him and he stared struggling with sleeping because of them, he started throwing his arms up when we said, “touch down” and “so big”, he started really crawling everywhere, pulled himself up for the first time, banged his head and face numerous times, etc…
Like big brother Chase, Shai {LOVES} water. The difference between them is that Chase is my cautious, wait and watch and THEN play – kiddo. While Shailo is my just go for it, daring child. He is FEARLESS. I am in big trouble.
Shai absolutely {adores} his big brother. It’s so precious to watch!

Shailo is my EATER. He’s probably already eaten more than Chase ever has in his 3 years… exaggerate much? Haha, but really, this kid can eat! (also pictured above, Father’s Day 2012)

Shai really tries to be wherever brother is. I love it and Chase usually does too. Sometimes, it’s a struggle especially now that little brother is on the move :)

Shai, you rock our worlds with your fun personality and your daring spirit. We {adore} you!

 

26 weeks 4 days…

I’ve been processing and thinking a lot, very privately, as you may have noticed…or maybe not :) I haven’t written much on how we’re doing or where I’m at. I realized just the other day that I’ve been posting such “light” posts like I used to, I guess just to blog and to kind of say “I’m still here.” But today I really want to share a vulnerable place within me and what today means to me.

Today I am 26 weeks and 4 days pregnant with Boy S. This was exactly where I was at when we lost our Eisley-girl. 26 weeks 4 days. This is the most bittersweet day of my pregnancy with S thus far. I am extremely thankful as I look down to see my quickly growing belly and knowing that there is a strong, well nourished baby boy within me yet at the same time, I am in awe that we’re already here; The very same place where in my pregnancy with our daughter, I wept. Where our dreams and hopes for her shattered the moment her heart stopped beating.

My heart aches and heals simultaneously every single day. In some ways it’s been aching more and more as each month passes by but I can say I am now I finding my heart is slowly healing. Last month, when we reached 10 months since Eisley passed away, I couldn’t even comprehend that. 10 months?! It seems so long since we last held her yet some days it feels like just yesterday since they told me she’d passed away. Soon, 11 months and then a year… can you believe that? We can’t.

A few weeks ago I spent the evening at my grandparent’s house having dinner, catching up and later, we all watched America’s Got Talent (it’s one of their favourite shows :)) As the show came on, this sudden wave of memouries flooded my mind and it took everything in me not to break down right there in front of everyone. Memouries of the last time I had seen this show, almost a year ago now…

I flashed back to the evening September 14th, hours after Eisley had passed away in my womb. We sat in our small hospital room; Ted, myself and Chase and Eisley’s godparents. We had turned on America’s Got Talent. My mind had grown completely numb. I know Ted would say the same, hence him turning on a television show at such a time. I remember sitting there blankly watching the “acts”. I’d keep placing my hand on my belly, as pregnant mothers often unconsciously do. I looked down to find my hand resting on my belly and then it suddenly hit me, like really hit me, she was no longer alive inside of me…

Next month is September which is incredibly hard to believe. I can’t even wrap my mind around the fact that it’s been almost one year since we said our goodbyes. I’m just astounded. How can that possibly be? I’ve said it before on this blog, but time is flying a lot faster than my heart is healing. Even though I now recognize this as our reality, it doesn’t mean that my heart and mind have connected and come to terms with this. Will I ever? Is it humanly possible to “wrap my mind” around everything? I’m starting to think that it’s not because everything we have/are walking through is moving against how “it should be”. I’ve learned that no matter how detailed a conversation I have with our doctors about what happened and what went wrong doesn’t actually help much at all. I’ve realized that there truly isn’t one “answer” that could be said to me that would ever completely heal the aching heart of a mother. She is no longer with us and I will always ache knowing that to be truth.

How do you grieve the loss of one precious baby all while hoping and dreaming for another in little one in your womb?  I reach milestones with S that I never did with Eisley and can only describe them as bittersweet. I reach dates and (pregnancy) weeks that with Eisley were emotionally painful and here I carry within me a strong and growing baby boy. Processing both has brought me on an incredible “emotional rollercoaster”. It’s also brought me to places of healing. I’ve found that in my pregnancy with S I’ve become even more aware of how much of a miracle it was that Eisley fought for so long.  Our Eisley-girl was our miracle baby, even though she wasn’t able to be with for as long as we’d hoped.

I’ve realized that I don’t need or even want the “answers” if there are/were any. God has really helped my mind and my heart in this season. He’s close to my heart, I feel it.  I fight fear everyday in this pregnancy and some days I give in to fear more than I do in just resting in Him, but all along I know He’s never left my side. I know this because I wouldn’t be able to do this without him. It’s all too overwhelming and terrifying by myself. It is {truth} that in our weakness, He is strong. He truly is my refuge and my strength.

I read this verse just the other day and it resonated within me and I hope as I share, it too can resonate with someone who reads my blog who is walking in their own struggles, griefs, sorrows, or whatever “it”might be for you….

      Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines;  though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold,  and there be no herd in the stalls—
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. 

The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, And He will make me walk on my high hills.
Habakkuk 3:17-19

Here we are, at 26 weeks and 4 days with aching yet hopeful hearts. Thankful that He really will help us to walk on the steepest, highest, most treacherous hills. My heart is heavy and more fearful than most days, but it’s also expectant and hopeful of incredible things to come.

________________________________________________________________________

We miss you more than words can say, Eisley-girl. I am comforted in knowing that you, my precious baby girl, are resting between His shoulders. And even more comforted to know that someday I will see you, hold you and kiss your little nose. I love you and miss you deeply, momma.

Mr. Independent & Little Baby D.

I wanted to take some time to write a blog about my boy & baby on the way. I used to blog a lot about Chase and milestones and I miss it.

Chase is cruising everywhere now. He’s walking like a mad man and loving the freedom.

He is becoming more and more independent now. It’s very bittersweet for me. If you were around when he began the first stage of crawling,you know, it about broke my heart. I felt like he was growing up too fast … now he’s walking! I think if you would have told me he would be walking by 10 months I would have been upset, but now that we’re pregnant with Little baby D I think I am appreciating the independence. But just a little bit :)

He falls down a lot still.

But he’s a determined little boy & gets right back up usually.

When really excited, he’ll try his best to “run”.

And he has a head full of blond hair. And somehow… people still call him bald! Haha :)

Okay, so a bit about Little Baby D;

  • i swear i already feel him/her like a tap, tap, tap… just like i did with chase. But it’s SO rare, that I am still unsure of myself.
  • i’ve only thrown up once! ONCE! (Countless times with Chase, if you remember)
  • i love, love, love, love, love red meat and carrots (hated red meat with Chase)
  • i steer clear of McDonald’s sausage egg mcmuffins & french fries this time around. (don’t even want them!)
  • i feel nauseous but citrus flavoured gum & real fruit popsicles help me when I really need it.
  • i am CONVINCED, hands down, this-is-a-GIRL. But remember, I was convinced Chase was too until he said “it’s a boy”.

You may have noticed with this baby I haven’t posted a lot or even weekly like I did with Chase. I loved documenting every step with my first baby, but this time around I decided to do one a month or more if I feel like it. And the ironic thing… this pregnancy is FLYING by without blogging every week about the development. Isn’t that funny? I think it’s because this time I’m not waiting for each new week to arrive and writing about it, etc. Well that, plus the fact that Chase keeps me on my toes. It’s speeding this pregnancy right up! I’m loving it, and I’m already 3 months prego! WHEW!

So…Friday I am planning on posting my 3 month photo. It’s been one month since I’ve posted a picture and let me just say, one month has made a difference. I am showing SO much sooner than with Chase! I am loving the belly again :)

thanks for readin’

Love,

Jami

7 Months Old.

Today, my little baby boy (yes, I’m in denial as he grows), is one month older! It’s bittersweet and I’m pretty sure I say that with every month and with every stage. I’ll be one of those mommas who call their 18 year old their baby. ;)

Chase is on the verge of crawling, I finally gave in and decided, it’s not that big of a deal if he does. I read and heard that crawling before walking is essential in brain development and when he decided to reach over and pull himself up to our coffee table, I freaked out! He also pulls himself up with whatever he can now and usually that doesn’t end well for him. I’d better get used to having a boy!

So… I’m now an advocate for crawling…

and despite the many banged up lips, so is Chase.

He still falls asleep anywhere, which I love.  Don’t be jealous of me though- for he does not sleep through the night and when he does nap, it is only 30-40 minutes long! I sometimes wonder how I manage with little sleep and I really think it’s a little thing called God’s grace. I’ve also tried to stay positive which has helped a lot too. I do have my days and moments though where I let it get to me!

He has a crazy love for legos and wicker baskets. He is fascinated with them in a way I can’t explain. He’s such a boy… I will post a video soon!

Chase is growing  up so fast, he looks like a little boy instead of a baby, more and more each month. His personality is a strong, slightly stubborn but mostly sweet one.

His strong side comes out physically as he learns what his body can do like rock back and forth while on his knees, pull himself to a sitting or standing position, etc.

His more stubborn side has taught him to arch his back every time mommy puts him in his car seat or on the changing table. And most recently his more stubborn side comes out when I am dressing him.

His sweet side comes as he snuggles against mommy or daddy or friends or he gets sleepy or when he is teething and achy. And my favorite part, the little moments throughout the day where he leans his head against mine and looks into my eyes… the most.precious.thing.ever.

Well, I’ve got to run, because Ted comes home tonight!!! Sorry for the crappy pictures from my camera phone. It’s all I’ve got this week :)


A Week of Firsts.

Last week was full of ‘first‘ for Chase! His first Christmas, the first time he scooted all over the room, the first time he flung himself from the car seat to the ground (scared me terribly), the first time he officially, without-a-doubt raised his arms to be picked up (so precious!), the first time he attempted to eat wrapping paper, the first time he toppled the tree on top of him (and me) and the reason I am writing this blog… the first time he ate baby food.

The cereal was as bland as could be, so not to shock him and yet it still did! He’s used to the sweetness of breastmilk!
Doesn’t know what to think about this.
“That was disgusting!”
We’ve decided to wait on feeding him throughout the day and to just feed him once every day or every other day, until he is used to it- plus I jumped ahead a little bit out of excitement, he’s not even 6 months yet. Poor buddy. I can’t wait to introduce him to veggies and later, fruits and meats but for now this is what’s I feel is best for him. I can’t wait to see his face after eating one of those, he may even like it!
I am looking forward to him sleeping more because he has a fuller belly than normal! He digest breastmilk so fast sometimes, that he’s back for more and more and more throughout the night! On the days we’ve fed him rice cereal, he’s slept so much better at night. Last night he slept the longest I can remember. 9:30 pm to 7:30 am! That I am looking forward to!

Chase eats his first meal from Jami Davis on Vimeo.

Still Merry!

Chase loves the tree so much (okay, me too), we’ve decided to keep it up for another few weeks or a month! Here are more pics to enjoy.
Now that we let him sit up on his own, he doesn’t like the bumbo so much and I don’t like that he wants to be independent at 5 months :)
This is the ornament he yanked off the tree, causing it to fall right over.
“But mommy… that ornament was yummy!”

Chase’s First Christmas.

Here are some photos of Chase’s first Christmas. I personally love Christmas time but this year was my fave to date and Ted would say the same. It’s amazing how much a little one of your own can brighten everything, even your favourite holiday! It was fun to spend this year deciding what traditions we want to accommodate as a little family. Ted and I are {truly thankful} for our son. It’s amazing how much a little being can make your heart soar with so much pride and joy!
Christmas Eve at the Great Grandparent’s house. Love his face when curious.
And of course loved the paper when in his mouth.
Happy lil man. See the white gums but no teeth yet and I am personally kind of grateful for that :)
Book… for eating ;)
Of course we couldn’t go throughout the day without chewing on the toesies.
I am hoping he holds off on crawling for another few months, for selfish reasons. I think he is growing too fast and the crawling stage is a hard one for me! It’s TOO fast.
He has other plans, I believe.
Happy First Christmas my little love.
{You are such a blessing}
The years to come will probably be even more fun, as Chase is able to do things. Like help mommy make gifts, make and decorate sugar cookies and a ginger bread house, decorate the tree, actually understand the Christmas books I read him, sing happy birthday to Jesus and watch and enjoy the old version of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, etc. I can’t wait!

"Those" kind of parents.

You know, the kind that video ridiculous things and post it for the world to see. Yep, that’s us! I used to laugh as how ridiculous other moms/dads were and now… we do the same thing! :)


Chase is constantly reaching and grabbing everything I have and last night, it was my water. He did this all by himself. Enjoy the video of our son… and ignore the part where I kind of freak out. :)

Chase and his first drink of water from Jami Davis on Vimeo.

WheneverOur Christmas present from Grandma Anisa (Ted’s mom), a canon video camera!! Totally beats the mac photobooth videoing i’ve been doing. More videos to come!!