Eisley Antalya · Jami Joann · Life

The follow-up appointment.

Yesterday I had my follow-up appointment where they check to see how I am recovering from giving birth. (Unfortunately Ted wasn’t able to go because of school.)

I was okay until I was a few minutes out from the clinic but the closer I got, the more overwhelmed I became. Was this really happening? All of this? I sometimes feel like I have crawled into someone else’s body. When I had read stories before about mothers losing their babies, I honestly just never thought, “this could someday be me”. You just never expect to this to happen to you. You never expect it and even if you expected this, you’d never be able to prepare for the heartache.

I arrived and made my way up 3 floors to the clinic. I signed in and sat down, feeling sick to my stomach. The waiting room was empty. Thank you, God. (I can handle my close friends who are pregnant, but with strangers I find it hard. Maybe it’s because my close friends know what we’ve walked through and are super sensitive to us in this time.)

I sat where I had sat many times last year in my pregnancy with Chase and read pregnancy magazines, with not a worry in the world.  The same spot where this year I had sat many times in my pregnancy with Eisley, where I would try to read a magazine to take my mind of the coming appointment but was usually unable to focus due to the tears. Yesterday, I couldn’t even bring myself to look over at the stack of pregnancy magazines. I just sat, with my head on my hand and took deep breaths so not to cry (I really didn’t want to walk into the appointment a blubbering mess).

Once they called me in and put me in a room to wait for Dr. Hill, the tears began. The nurse handed me a clipboard and had me do a survey-thingy to determine if I might be suffering from postpartum depression and there was a spot which read Baby’s name_________ and I cried as I wrote Eisley Antalya. Dr. Hill came in and hugged me tight. That might sound weird, but it’s really not. I am so grateful for that amazing man. Thank you, God for him.

They did the check up and turns out I am healing great (physically) for having delivered 5 weeks ago today. My muscles are still aching from being on bedrest and unused for so long, but they told me that it is normal and will take much longer to get muscle strength back.

And then something happened that I wasn’t at all prepared for … not that you could prepare, I guess. Dr. Hill also had the results back from the chromosome tests run on Eisley. I am going to share the results here but will blog again soon with how we are doing after hearing the news.

Eisley was absolutely perfect. Nothing was wrong with her. There was no reason other than my placenta alone failed her.

Our Eisley was perfect.

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8 thoughts on “The follow-up appointment.

  1. I want so badly to say to you that it wasn’t your fault… that the placenta was no more yours than it was hers…. YOU did not fail your daughter. But I don’t want to preach at you… I know it’s all just so raw. And I actually do understand that horrid place of emotion… it’s wonderful news to know your daughter was perfect and yet even harder to know that even so, her life was still cut short. Last week when I found out that I had a little baby whose heart was beating away… and yet there might be a polyp in my uterus that could cause that perfect baby to die… I felt awful. It’s just not fair. What if I would have gone to the doctor months ago when I had some spotting and they could have found this polyp before I was pregnant? Is it my fault? My heart breaks for you again. I will be praying that you will take EVERY thought captive and make it obedient to Christ… that His Truth will eradicate any guilt you feel because you did nothing but love your daughter with every bit of your being.

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  2. My heart aches for you. You write so well and with such emotion. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is not something you will ever forget and little Eisley will always be a part of your little family :-) Perfect little Eisley…. I think I have said this before but I am so glad you have this forum to write out your thoughts and feelings. It will not only help you but you will also continue to be surrounded by lots of support around you!!!

    Hugs :-)

    Anna

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  3. Jami,

    I don’t know you and only stumbled upon your blog from a facebook friend, who I also have never met, but I feel a bond with you. I don’t know what it is yet, but there is something.

    I haven’t lost a child, but I’m feeling your pain and you have my heart and prayers.

    Martha

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  4. Beautiful, brought me to tears. I can only imagine what it did deep in your mother’s heart to know Eisley was your perfect little girl. Thank you for being so vulnerable with all of us through this, we get to see a part of God’s heart through you as you process that we wouldn’t otherwise…your love is so pure.
    Love and hugs to you,
    katie

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  5. you are so right….you can never prepare yourself for such heartache even though i think we try to sometimes…..

    if you wanna talk about placental issues, email me. my fourth pregnancy didn’t end perfectly (i delivered at 31 weeks) but twice daily lovenox shots gave my placenta a fighting chance and my little girl as well….

    i am praying for you as you process this. email me if you wanna chat: dbutterfly2002@gmail.com

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