Pregnancy After Loss {part 3}; Facing Fears, Finding Hope.

I’ve been doing what you could call a series of my journey through pregnancy after loss. I often wonder why I’m even posting such things because I wonder who’s even want to read this kind of thing. I guess I just want to share about pregnancy after loss and how I am doing for those curious, but I also really hope this “series” will help another momma who might walk this road.

In case you missed it, here is Part 1 and Part 2.

(As I was looking back in my journal, I re-read this quote I’d written down and it seems to fit this post perfectly. Maybe it will give a glimpse into why I sometimes fall back to fear instead of hope.)

We left off with me 12 weeks pregnant, about to head back to see the specialist that I saw in my entire pregnancy with Eisley.

So, there I was, 12 weeks pregnant, making the dreaded elevator ride up 4 floors to our Fetal Medicine Specialist’s office. You might remember me talking about these trips in my pregnancy with Eisley. We saw her almost every week to check on our Eisley-girl. She was incredible at her job, but her job doesn’t leave much room for optimism. If someone was seeing the FMS, that usually wasn’t good to begin with. The day before Eisley’s death was the first time she had ever been optimistic about Eisley’s life and the chance of her survival. So, with all of that said…. the thought of going back and seeing her was almost unbearable.

I walked in with a racing and fearful heart. I knew that they’d be doing a lot of testing (blood work and ultrasound screening). What news would today bring? Ted wasn’t able to be there (not his fault, just fyi :)) so my mom came along for support. The checkup began and we waited as the ultrasound technician went over baby #3’s body. She’d explain along the way what we were looking at and I felt small relief with each positive comment. The amnionic fluid was great, the blood from the placenta through the cord to the baby was great, the placenta has no clot or abruption, etc. Sweet relief. But my mind kept falling back to fear; I also knew that I hadn’t begun bleeding with Eisley until week 13 and I knew that at any given moment, things could take a turn for the worse, no matter how great everything looked just the day before.

After the ultrasound technician was finished, she called in Dr. Daye. I hadn’t seen Dr. Daye since the day of Eisley’s birth and was kind of worried as to what she’s say about me being pregnant only 5 months later (only for safety reason for this baby, not at a matter of opinion.) She came in smiling and told me she was excited to hear that we were pregnant again. What? Smiles and excitement. I felt as though I was looking at a different doctor. Remeber, I had said her job doesn’t leave much room for optimism so imagine my surprise and honestly, my relief. She looked over the scans of our new little one and then did her own thorough checkup to again confirm, everything looked awesome thus far.

She did go on to warn me that mother’s who have had a placenta abruptions, have a 10% chance of reoccurrence. My heart dropped. Even just 10% terrified me. She went on to say that mother’s who’ve had such a severe case like ours, usually don’t have as severe a case again, if at all.  I tried to find hope in that but then again, we were always on the bad news of the percentages with Eisley. We were the small percentage that ended with devastation.

She asked me personal questions about how I was doing. I told her that I just really wanted to get past 13 weeks. She told me that I was almost out of the 13th week. I was so confused and told her I was only 12. She showed me that the day of my last period and where I was currently was indeed 13 weeks. (it’s a long story, but the OB/GYN office had their records wrong of when my last period was which confused the information that was sent to Dr. Daye’s office).

I felt hope in hearing that I had made it to 13 weeks and there were no problems. Bittersweet “milemarker” number one.

In the beginning of this pregnancy I found that my fear far outweighed my hope but as each week passes, I find myself hoping more than fearing. Little by little…

This very trip that I’ve just written about, was also the trip that I spotted a little something that gave away baby #3’s gender. Part 4 will be a post {just} about what I hoped the gender would be from the beginning and what I felt when I learned this little one’s gender… This post I am a little worried about sharing publicly however, the question of what I feel regarding having a boy comes up a lot and I really do want to share my feelings and thoughts about this…

part 4 coming soon.

11 thoughts on “Pregnancy After Loss {part 3}; Facing Fears, Finding Hope.

  1. Chey says:

    even having been there as you walked through it, i still appreciate you writing it down for everyone. it’s you being real, and that’s what me and the rest of the world want to see…and read. i love you.


  2. Tersa says:

    Thank you for your story. I lost a baby 5 months ago. We are hoping to become pregnant again soon. Your story helps me have more hope! Thank you!


  3. catherine333 says:

    I believe your blogging helps not only mommas who have gone through what you have, but many others who have to deal with grief and loss over other tragedies. You are inspiring and I thank you for sharing.


  4. Lorrie says:

    Love you friend. Thanks for sharing. There are so many questions I want to be able to ask you personally, but can’t. Reading your blog helps me feel closer to you and more connected. Hope we see all of you soon.


  5. Sal {Daniel and I} says:

    Hi, I just found your blog. I am sorry to hear of what you have gone through. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your experience with this. My husband and I lost our baby in the first trimester around three months ago and with the pain still fresh, it does help to read of others experiences. We are trying to fall pregnant again and with each month it doesn’t happen the grief comes back and sweeps over me again. How did you find hope after your loss? That is what I struggle with most. Any advice would be truly appreciated. Sorry to ramble…
    Sal x


  6. Julianne says:

    It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d definitely
    donate to this excellent blog! I suppose for now i’ll settle
    for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.
    I look forward to new updates and will talk about this blog
    with my Facebook group. Talk soon!


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