december seventeenth

I had a feeling that Eisley’s due date could be overwhelming so we decided to do some really meaningful things to help get through the day. Ted wasn’t able to take the day off, which was hard for both of us. We were able to still do some things but are planning on doing a few significant things on his days off. 

I’m having a hard time finding the words to describe Friday… instead, here are a few photos to describe a few significant things we did to honour and remember our Eisley girl. It’s not everything, but it describes a bit of our day.

I will be sharing the {full} meaning behind my tattoo, besides the obvious, on the next blog post.

We were beyond blessed by you on Friday. I couldn’t believe the outpour of love we felt and saw. Messages, emails, tweets, texts, calls, flowers, edible arrangments, ornaments, significant gifts, etc. THANK YOU.

 You truly “held” up our arms. We felt it, we saw it. We love you dearly!

back in september

(disclaimer: this post is really raw)

I keep reliving every moment. The good and the bad, mostly the traumatic. My heart and my mind still aren’t connecting in some ways. I just want everything to make sense and it doesn’t. Our little E was perfectly healthy. Perfect. What happened? What went wrong? “The placenta was too damamged by the bleeding”. How is that an answer? I know that even if I had an “answer” it wouldn’t be good enough.

I try so hard to understand, to try and make sense of everything and I let my mind go back to the first time I started bleeding and how terrified we were, to when they told us she was barely growing, to the first time on bedrest, to the first time they told us our chances of her surviving were slim, to the heart monitoring almost daily and then to the day I just knew something wasn’t right…

and it wasn’t.

I mostly flashback to the day, September 14th, when I realized something was terribly wrong. When searched for her hearbeat but only found mine racing because I knew she was gone. I flashback to the 3 days of labor and how often I’d ask them to drug me up not only so I wouldn’t feel anything physically, but because I didn’t want to feel anything at all. It was all too much. I remember as I was in labor and the tiniest part of me hoping for a miracle still. Hoping that when I delivered her, she would be screaming at the top of her lungs. That our daughter who we’d been dreaming of, and we’d all been hoping and praying for, would be alive.

I flashback to the moments we first held her. The first time I laid eyes on her and how beautiful she was. I close my eyes and cling to those memouries for they are all I have. I try and remember the peace I felt as I held her because I sure as hell don’t feel that peace now. I flashback to holding my beautiful, yet lifeless daughter…. and this is where I stay.

I feel stuck there. I feel as though I left her back in September and my life keeps moving forward at full speed. I need to go back and get her and bring her home… but I can’t. It’s like a horrible, terrible nightmare playing over and over in my head but it’s not a nightmare, it’s our reality. She is gone.

The mother heart in me is unsettled. As a mother you’d give anything to protect your child, to make sure they are nourished and well taken care of. You’d give your life for them in a second.

One day my fms sat us in her office and told me Eisley’s chances of living were close to none. She hoped that she would make it but believed that she would not. She told me I had a few options. 1. I could stay in the hospital doing what I was or 2. I could go home and live life like I was before and “let nature take it’s course”…

I felt so sick. How dare you even suggest that to me? The heart of a mother knew to keep fighting regardless of what the chances were, regardless of the heartbreak I might possible feel is the very thing we’d hoped for didn’t happen. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself had I chosen the second option. It wasn’t even an option for us.

We fought, and fought, and fought to keep her alive. And she fought, she fought a fight a baby never ever should. I am so proud of her and how hard she fought to live. They always told me she was “beating the odds” and “she is a fighter”.

I often think “why?”, “what happened?”, “what really went wrong” and have even ventured to the questions of “why us?” “why Eisley?”

I find myself in these really uncomfortable and sometimes terribly horrible places as I’m reminded of our loss. Our grief is constant and yet it’s also revisited with each flashback or reminder that she’s gone. Revisited as I suddenly remember the dreams I had for her and things I wanted to do with her and for her. Even silly things like the cute outfits and accessories and headbands and barretts that I wanted to make for her. How I’d imagine her first year photoshoot in a little tutu and pink converse. How I’d dreamt of her first canvas painting (like we did with Chase) in pink and orange paint everywhere and all over her. How I wanted her to be artsy and crafty like me. How I wanted to dress her like her momma. How I created teal and pink converse just so the two of us could be matchy matchy… the list goes on, and on, and on….from the tiniest and silliest little dreams to the biggest, most meaningful dreams.

I am also having a hard time differentiating truth and lies of people’s intentions towards me and it’s almost impossible for me to think clearly regarding this area right now. I am trying to find the balance in my heart and in my head of reading or hearing of what others write or tell me (when they know what we have/are going through) and somehow learning to not take it personally. To somehow let it go and not become wounded and bitter by everyone who writes whatever I read. (I wrote about it a it this post) I’ve even “removed” myself from the social networks for the most part and it’s helped a little bit but it all boils down to grieving and being envious. And the truth is I will always be reminded of our loss, especially right now in the thick of it.

Let me just say here I NEVER ever wish what we’ve gone through on someone else (hopefully if you know me, you know that).  I am happy for others and their healthy babies yet I think it makes sense that I am envious. To envy is to have a feeling of discontentment and to be honest I do.  To be jealous of someone is to be resentful of what they have. I am really trying to not go down that path. Please pray for me. I don’t want to resent. I am envious because I miss our girl and the reminders and really hard. Someday they might get easier. But everyone and their mom is having babies or pregnant right now ;) so it’s especially hard.

Just the other night as I drove to pick Ted up from work  (just me), I screamed out the deep anger that’s been welling up inside me and cried so hard that my face was swollen badly and my voice was raw. I am so thankful that God can handle me in that state. I haven’t ventured there often but when I do it feels so… healing. And He is faithful to remind me of who He is, even still, even amidst.

Where am I at, one day prior to my daughter’s due date? I’m an array of emotions, most healthy and some unhealthy ones that I am working through. I am praying for peace, but I kind of recognize it’s okay that I’m a mess right now. While everything else is unsettled within me I know without a doubt God is with us, He is still trustworthy and my daughter’s life has changed us and so many for the better. I am going to move inspired by her little life. I hope and long to be the voice, the art, the song, the creativity for my sweet E.

I am writing and being pretty vulnerable because I need your your prayers, your love, your support and please, your sensitivity.

Tomorrow is Eisley’s due date. My heart breaks even writing that…please stand with us in prayer for our hearts.

Remembering vs. Reminders

When we had our first appointment where Dr. H confirmed we were indeed pregnant, we learned our “surprise baby’s” due date but made plans to have her a bit earlier, due to the fact that I had a c-section with Chase only months before. So we chose a date; December 10, 2010.

I hadn’t expected yesterday to be so hard for me and had honestly tried to just see it as just another date on the calendar. Not because I was in denial but because of the fact that since everything hadn’t gone perfectly or smoothly from the beginning of our pregnancy, the c-section scheduled for December 10th was never officially set in stone and then once things progressively got worse, we let it go all together. I didn’t think it would hit me so hard, but Thursday night as we went to bed, Iwept as Ted and I talked about how if everything had gone well we would probably have a hard time sleeping that night, due to the anticipation of the arrival of our daughter. If everything had gone smoothly, we would be celebrating.

I woke throughout the night Thursday night with this heavy on my heart. “If everything had gone perfectly, smoothly…” IF. But it hadn’t. We held her and said our earthly goodbyes just 3 months earlier. The very day of her due date will mark 3 months exactly.

The reminders that she is gone are so heavy right now and we’re in the thick of it as her actual due date nears.

They are wearing me down. Let’s add to the reminders …my sensitivity and lies of the enemy. I am sensitive anyways, but now I feel even more so. I am so easily reminded of our loss whenever I’m online. I allow myself to get wounded/hurt by things other say even when they probably weren’t even thinking of me when they wrote “such and such”.  I try and remind myself that it’s probably unintentional to hurt me or that they aren’t trying to remind me of what they have and what I’ve lost but the lies of the enemy get me SO bad with this one.

I remember the day after we lost Eisley, I was in labor and I felt enough courage to write a blog so got online and while I was on the computer, I decided to update my status but just before I could, I read someone’s status that they had just written about the movements of their baby and how amazing it was. I wept. That was the first of many to come. I think if I told you of how often I do that, you would probably tell me to get off the social networks all together. I’ve realized and tried to come to terms with the fact that this is our reality and not everyone remembers what we have lost and what we’re walking through now, but sometimes I still take things so personally. {This is my reality} and I try to keep that in mind when I read or hear things but honestly, right now I feel like it’s slapping me across the face. I am in a constant battle against trying to remember the beautiful time I had with my girl versus the reminders that she is gone, the reminders of what we’ve lost.

As you can see, our loss has made me more sensitive in negative ways ….but also in some really positive ways as well. I now feel more aware of those around me and where they are at and I try and stay sensitive to them.

I really think a lot of my sensitivity also boils down to grief. I guess I am here to ask you to please pray for us? Her due date is the 17th and if yesterday was so hard, I really can’t imagine what next friday will be like. We have some significant things planned and one of my dear friends who I haven’t seen in over two years will be in town.

Thank you for all of your love and support and for helping me walk through this. I sometimes hop on my blog {just} to read the comments you have written to me over the past few months. I am encouraged and blessed by you continually. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Much love,

Jami

Even just the tiniest glimpse.

I can barely find the words lately to express what’s going on my heart and mind. It’s part of why I haven’t shared my heart (on my blog) in the past 6 days. I’m in a really strange place right now. When I first came home from the hospital I didn’t mind being around people but writing was what I found to be the most therapeutic for me at the time. Now, I can barely write words expressing where I’m at.

I’ve been in such a need of the eye contact and/or the sound of the voice of a loved one asking me how we’re really doing and the comfort in the tears shared with a friend or family member as we talk about my sweet Eisley. I’ve found these things to be very healing right now.

::Let me just pause my confusing babbling to say a {huge} thank you to all my dear friends who’ve written or skyped or called or tweeted or even commented here lately. It has meant the world to me. Seriously, I can’t say thank you enough::

Ted and I both feel like we’re taking steps backwards in the “grieving process” as Eisley’s due date nears.

December 17, 2010.

 The date we waited for with great anticipation after we first heard Dr. H announce when our little “surprise baby” was due. The idea of having a newborn added to our family during the beloved holiday season was so exciting. And then when we found out she was our Eisley we we’re even more excited (not gonna lie, I really hoped she was a girl)! The very date we thought of with great anticipation just months before is now another kind of haunting reminder that she is gone.

We’re doing a few significant things on her due date but I keep thinking even though they might be “healing” for us, it won’t be the same as having her here with us. Obviously. Yet we are hoping for peace and healing on that day rather than a feeling of depression at our reality. December 17th will probably be intertwined with a lot of different emotions and as the years go by it might be less and less raw but the ache will still be there.

A few days ago I was driving and listening to music that’s been ministering to me right now. My heart was heavy and I was crying “hot tears” (as I call them), the kind of tears stemmed from a place of deep sorrow and grief and even anger.  As I was crying, something came to my heart and poured from my mouth immediately;

 “Father, please give me a glimpse of my daughter’s joy as she’s with you.”

I find myself whispering this prayer to my Father over and over, especially when I have those overwhelming moments of despair, sorrow, grief, etc. Sometimes, I even close my eyes and picture her with Him. I often remember this photo which you might recall me sharing a month or so ago;

I think of her in heaven experiencing things we cannot even fathom and it helps me as I ache. So this is my prayer, that since I do not have her here to with me and therefore I can’t tangibly experience her joy, that I will instead get a glimpse of my Eisley’s joy as she’s in the presence of our Father.

Jesus, please keep mending our hearts. Give us a glimpse of our daughter’s joy as she’s with You. Even just the tiniest glimpse, Father.

Baby Update.

Hey Everyone!


Today is officially our due date!

A lot of people are wondering and asking what is going on, when is our baby coming, is it today, am I being induced…

Well, we had another appointment this morning and our baby is still backed out of my pelvis but is head down, just not engaged. My cervix has been posterior and still is, which basically means it’s really high. With the baby’s help, it needs to be pushed farther down before we can begin labor.

Our doctor told us today, that if we were to go into labor right now, we would most likely need a cesarean. He told us we need to wait this weekend out and hope that the baby moves back down and begins his/her descent to help everything get ready.

I don’t like the options that come with having a cesarean! One is general anethesia, which would put me under and I wouldn’t be awake to witness our baby’s birth and the moment where they say “its a…” but that would only be if I began with an all natural labor and then had an emergency c-sections. The other option is an epidural which I really do not want, but I would be able to be awake for the delivery, just unable to hold our baby until everything was finished.

Please pray with us that our baby moves down this weekend and everything begins naturally! It’s my heart’s desire to have an all natural labor and delivery and to have that precious moment when they place the baby on me.

We are hoping and praying for the best! Obviously our greatest desire is our baby’s safety and we will do whatever it takes for that.

Please join with us and pray!
Thank you!!!

Love,
Jami & Ted

Due Date: Baby Update

Okay so…

We had another appointment this morning and our baby is still backed out of my pelvis but is head down, just not engaged. My cervix has been posterior and still is, which basically means it’s really high. With the baby’s help, it needs to be pushed farther down before we can begin labor.

Our doctor told us today, that if we were to go into labor right now, we would most likely need a cesarean. He told us we need to wait this weekend out and hope that the baby moves back down and begins his/her descent to help everything get ready, eh down there.

I have two options if I have a cesarean, both of which I do not like! One is general anethesia, which would put me under and I wouldn’t be awake to witness our baby’s birth and the moment where they say “its a…”. That would be such a hard thing. The 2nd option is an epidural which I really do not want, but I would be able to be awake for the delivery, just unable to hold our baby until everything was finished.

My reason for not wanting an epidural in the first place does not apply during this c-section. Our baby wouldn’t be affected by the epidural in anyway, because the procedure is speedy for delivering him/her. Just mommy would be affected and that is okay with me.

Please pray with us that our baby moves down this weekend and everything begins naturally! It’s my heart’s desire to have an all natural labor and delivery and to have that precious moment when they place the baby on me.

We are hoping and praying for the best! Obviously our greatest desire is our baby’s safety and we will do whatever it takes for that. Please join with us and pray!

*side note edit 4:31pm: I am having a really hard time and I’m actually really struggling with understanding why all of this is happening. I might write a blog tomorrow telling how I am honestly feeling, because right now due to tears, I’m afraid I wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense.

3 Days Away!

Please pray for us as we could be (hopefully) having our baby this week! Our due date is 3 days away!

We would love your prayers as we’re about to become parents! Oh and pray for the birth part, when I think about it too often, I get a little nervous!
Love ya and hopefully soon we will be introducing our baby to you soon!