Chase Journey · Life

an all-over-the-place post about nights and Chaseyboy

(this post has been in the works for a month now so even as i re-read some of this i can see how much God has really been working in my heart and mind – so very thankful that my eyes have been opened or whatever you want to call it…read on if you dare ;)… no but seriously, do because i want to hear from those who may have walked this road before us)

Chase is almost 3-years-old. 33 months to be exact. and there is something i have rarely (if ever, really) shared. definitely not on the blog – maybe you caught a glimpse of it in my post about the “ba-bas”  and even when sharing with close friends and family, i haven’t shared what nights with Chase are really like.

i don’t think i ever made the conscious decision to not be honest, i mean people who are around enough, know that Chase has “rough nights”. but within the last month as i’ve gained more perspective i’ve started to share honestly about what it’s really like. mostly to process it and try to understand it.

the perspective that i’m talking about – about our (my- not Ted’s but not his fault as he is seriously the deepest sleeper i know) nights with Chase –  is that what we are going through is {not} normal. it’s like my eyes have been opened to what’s really going on and maybe, if i’m being totally honest, i’m facing the reality of something i haven’t wanted to for far too long.  the reality. the truth.

sometimes, it’s feels easier to go through the motion of things than to really deal with the root cause, the deeper issues. or maybe it’s just that i don’t even know where to begin, or i’m afraid of what i’ll really learn if i allow myself to face everything honestly.

yeah, obviously i’m still sorting through all of my thoughts. i’m overwhelmed by them. and, i’m afraid to share. but i {need} to share. i {need} to hear from others who are/have walked this road before. because i am baffled. because it’s recently started to take it’s toll on me.

there isn’t really a “gist” i’m getting at. it’s actually bunch of things jumbled into one big mess. and we go through this every.single.night.

i am slightly afraid that people might say, “well you’ve brought this on yourself”. and maybe that’s partly true. i love co-sleeping. i read this or that for and against it before i had Chase and decided i’d just do what i felt was right for us in the moment. after we had him, i pulled him into bed around 2 months and until a month before Shailo was born, he was still in our bed.

now he is in his own toddler bed, beside our bed (really don’t want to get into the full answer of why he’s next to our bed…basically,  it’s a fear-based thing within me that i’m working through. and also, because of our nights with him.) so, yes, he’s in his own bed. and Shailo sleeps in his little bed beside ours and I pull him into bed around 5am every morning (i would co-sleep with him, like i did Chase but after losing Eisley, it’s again, another one of my fear-based things. freaks me out now.)

the truth about our nights is that they are sleepless, long and exhausting. i am going to share honestly with the hope that {someone} can say they’ve walked through this too and can help me. here goes.

Chase doesn’t sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time. he wakes me up either every hour or hour and a half. (edit (because this has been a draft for a few weeks now): Chase slept one night for a period of 4/5 hours and i slept so deeply that when i woke i felt i had overslept and could barely get out of bed. cra-zy awesome and also, more perspective that this isn’t normal.)

he wakes me and asks me to do things like to straighten his pillow case. to fix his blanket because it’s no longer the way he likes it to lay. he wakes me if his jammies are on weird, or the ankles slid up to high but he can’t {not} wear jammies because if he doesn’t, he itches his skin until he bleeds (eczema) so in a way, some things seem kind of hopeless although i know they probably aren’t.

he’s totally inconsolable if he asks for milk and doesn’t get it. part of that is because he’s half awake and mostly because it’s a {major} comfort thing. i tried water for a time and that worked a whopping two times. he was doing much better in this area but again it’s gotten worse. we go through a gallon a day – maybe a day and a half if we’re lucky.

(-kind of TMI- side note: because he drink so.much.milk i have totally put off potty training all together. in my brain, the way this has to work it to get him to stop drinking so much fluids daily first. then begin the training. he pees SO much as you can imagine a child his age would, going through a gallon of milk all by himself in one day. he also poops like a baby still. mushy poos, rarely solid. (how’s that for TMI) so our nights our putting a damper on even things like potty training and saving money in diapers and milk…)

i was lying awake one night, around 3 am and trying to wrap my mind around our nights and i felt so clearly God reminded me of the first night i had to leave Chase to be hospitalized for Eisley. i suddenly realized that this could be a huge factor in why he freaks out at night. why he is unconsolable and needs the comfort of milk.

he was (is) traumatized too.

my heart aches every day lately as i’ve really let that sink in. i’ve known for a {long} time now this is an area i need to face. since we lost Eisley, i’ve struggled with anger towards Chase for things that aren’t his fault. things that are totally out of his control and to be honest, my hearts knows a major part of why he struggles with sleep is because he’s traumatized. by what happened while i was on bed rest and suddenly unable to to the “normal” things with him anymore. traumatized because his mother – whom always slept with her arm wrapped tightly around him – suddenly left him (when i hospitalized for Eisley – which once i had her, was 1 month. 1 month away from Chase)

traumatized because the woman who was now back wasn’t the momma he knew -watching me come back home – a changed, confused, grief-consumed and broken momma, not the momma he’d known his whole life (he was just 14 months at the time). i sometimes feel like she’s gone. the carefree-light hearted-cheery-rarely angry-momma.

i felt so consumed by the loss of Eisley that i stopped taking care of him in the loving, natural way i had before. i felt angry at him at times because i wanted to just be left alone in my grief, and friends, i feel like i’ve traumatized my son. i know i have.

i love him so very deeply and my heart has been changed by the love i have for him. from the very first time i learned he was growing inside my womb. from the very first time i heard his heartbeat, felt his movements within and saw his little profile during an ultrasound. and from the moment i held him in my arms, it’s like i now stand watching my heart run around in him. in my memory of eisley. in shailo.

it’s this deep, unbelievable and inexplicable love.

and my eyes have been opened again to this beautiful boy before me, my firstborn love, my Chaseyboy. my first baby to claim a piece of my heart. i love him so much and i know i’ve hurt him so deeply in my actions. in my season(s) of coldness and depression.

i’ve prayed my heart out during our nights but have i really meant it beyond my own selfish desire for sleep of my own? until recently, i don’t think so. i’ve been so selfish and so consumed.

it’s eating away at me. lately i watch him run around and i’m in awe at him and who he is, again. i’m starting to see him the way i once did before, and not just through the eyes of a grieving, confused and broken momma. i still feel broken and confuse and somedays, consumed, but mostly i feel like God is showing me what is before me in the here and now, and how i can live my life with my two beautiful boys and husband and still carry on Eisley’s legacy. it’s okay to feel these waves of grief and sorrow all while intertwined with living a full and happy life here. what’s before me now.

 i am so blessed to call Chase Journey, son. my firstborn. whom from the very beginning his life has truly been quite a journey. so much has happened in his (almost) 3 years of life, it’s unbelievable.

 one night, i was lying in bed with him, reading books before bedtime and i decided to video him reading this book to send to his Grandma Anisa in Alaska. it was a book about construction vehicles and it was so cute. when i pushed play and watched it back, i felt kind of stunned. thanks to having a phone with video capability now, i can watch him now from a perspective that most would see him, not sure if that makes sense. you know, like as a mother or auntie or whatever, you are around the kiddo enough to understand them and how they say things, so while we understand them, others are like, what did they just say? i had that moment. and brain suddenly registered the reality as i listened to his young voice; Chase is still oh so little. my heart stung a bit at that reality. i treat him and expect more out of him as if he were so much older.

i actually goes through these “roller coaster” emotions when it comes to Chase and how i feel i have/haven’t treated him. they go hand in hand with the season i’m in, so in my seasons of feeling more hopeful i feel guilty in how i’ve treated him during my seasons of depression, fear and anxiety. it’s a really hard and draining battle within me but i want to face this.

i want to be clear that i have never ever hated Chase or anything like that. i have always loved him and i always will. i’ve struggled with knowing how to grieve the loss of one child and still really, truly care for my other children the way i can best.

i guess i just wanted to share and see if there may be anyone who has walked this path before and has wisdom for me. whether it be about the nights or about grieving the loss of another child while caring for your children here with you and if you get me and what i’m failing miserably at trying to share here.

please pray for us as we keep processing all of this. please pray that we can find a way to get through these nights and most importantly how to really understand and work through any trauma that Chase is going through.

thanks for reading. i often hit post and know that those who really stick through to the end here (hi, you :)) must really, seriously like me or something for sticking around long enough to go through the ups and downs of my emo processing here. thank you.

love,

jami

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15 thoughts on “an all-over-the-place post about nights and Chaseyboy

  1. oh Jami, I don’t have any advice for you as I am not a mother. However I do know that you are doing a wonderful job at raising your children after the loss of your daughter. Peace be with you….

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  2. Jami,

    I cannot even begin to claim to have any sort of understanding of the ache that you must be experiencing. I do, however, know that God is good, and kids are extraordinarily resiliant.

    It is very evident from all that I have ever read in your posts, that you love your kids with your whole heart. Sometimes, we are loving with a whole heart that has holes… God fills in the holes and is the parent we are unable to be.

    My prayers are with you and your precious family as you search for answers, and for His peace and rest to be present in the process.

    Bless you and your sweet boys!
    Shannon

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  3. This is beautiful. The love you have for your son is beautiful. I’m proud of the momma you are, and I’m proud of and impacted by your vulnerability. I trust God to lead you, seeing as he loves Chase…and he loves you…more than anyone else ever could.

    I love you and my little love.

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  4. Hey, I know I’m not a mom and I don’t have much insight to offer…. I just know you seem so much stronger than I could ever be having gone through all you’ve been through. I don’t mean regular genaric “strong”…. It’s deeper… And it seems in your weakness and honesty and realness you are displaying and growing an incredible strength which I can only assume is a daily gift from God.

    Likei said, I don’t have much wisdom to offer, but something that jumps out to me is food allergies. I’ve been figuring out some health stuff lately for myself and going to a naturopath doctor. I have a food allergy appt next month so I don’t know for sure yet, but i really think that drinking milk or having ice cream, etc. causes me to get exeema around my mouth and eyes. Like I said, I’m not totally sure about it all yet. But I’ve been learning so much about how diet affects sleep and moods and energy levels and headaches and stress and skin and bathroom trips and on and on. I know it’s maybe expensive but I feel that it’s something worth looking into and praying about. I know that doesn’t solve all the problems. I just know I don’t get crazy headaches when I avoid sugar.. I’m not a drugged feeling zombie since I quit wheat and my stomach and face are happier when I don’t have milk.

    I hope this helps and I’ll be praying for you and your beautiful family.

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  5. Hi Jamie, You are so honest on your blog!
    Some practical things about the Chase sleeping this, is that I read a good book “Sleeping through the night”, Is the only book we read for Spencer. I don’t know if your goal is to have Chase sleep in a bed in another room, but in that case you have to let him nap in there in the afternoon for a while until he start liking his own bed. It has to be a positive experience for him. You can do this with toys etc.. Than after a week or so, you can put him in there at night as well. This is not going to be easy. But it might be easier for him to understand when his little brother is also in a different room (but I don’t know what your goal is with that). When he is able to fall asleep in his own room, you can start training him sleeping longer bits. But the book will help you with that. You could go through this process in about 2 weeks, and he should be a happy sleeper. But it isn’t easy. We had Spencer in our bed too, and he didn’t wanted to sleep without us. We really wanted to have him in another room because he kept us up because he was so noisy. In Holland they gave us advise to have him for the first 6 weeks in the same room. When we moved back to Denver we started the process of letting him getting used to his bed, and after that we trained him for a week to sleep through the night (not feeding him, stretching time). To do this the father has to have a big role in this. So Jonah went up for quit some nights, but after a while he slept through the night and now he is really happy in his own room, and we have our sleep back.
    I know your situation will not totally apply, but I thought Spencer was traumatized too because of the ICU. We didn’t want him to be far from us because it looked like he needed the physical tough. It seems to me that he is now happier, because of the boundaries and the clarity we gave him. We cuddle him and hold him during the day as much as we can.
    We’ll pray for you!

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  6. Hi Jami,

    First off I’m so glad you’re blogging again. I missed you.

    I haven’t “weaned” Alessandra from the family bed (or from nursing for that matter) so as far as that goes I don’t have a lot of advice but what I can tell you is this. Your process and parenting style is up to you and as long as it’s working and everyone is happy there isn’t a reason to change. But from the sound of your post what you were doing isn’t working so something needs to change, and change isn’t easy. I have been working on night weaning (no nursing at night) for a while. What was working for me was when she would wake up and ask to nurse I would tell her that they were sleeping. I would say, “Daddy’s sleeping and Mommy’s boobies are sleeping. We need to wait until they wake up in the morning.” We went from four nursings a night to just one and my goal is for her to go from nursing before bed to our “snuggle time” just before we get out of bed.

    Obviously you can’t tell him the bottle is sleeping so maybe buy a smaller container of milk and tell him that you only have – a half gallon lets say – for the whole day. When he asks for milk have him come with you to the refrigerator to fill his cup. And as you get closer to the bottom of the jug warn him that he’s almost out. He’s old enough now to understand when something is gone it’s gone. So when the milk is gone offer him some water until the next day. If he knows there is no more milk maybe he won’t ask for it at night.

    Now for the night sleeping. I never in a million years thought I would have a family bed. And then I lost Pearce and everything I thought I knew about parenting went out the window. I could not stand to hear Alessandra cry and I definitely couldn’t do the cry it out method. So she came to bed with us. She slept and we slept, so it was good. I really doubt Chase remembers or has any traumas from when you lost Eisley but what I do think he remembers is the stress he feels every night. If you’re stressed or concerned or worried about what you’re doing he’s going to pick up on that. And then he will become stressed, concerned and worried about bedtime too. So what I would say is take a deep breath and figure out what you want. What does the perfect bedtime routine look like for you and your family. Then move forward with that plan with the confidence that you are doing the very best for your family.

    As far as the covers and pajamas and pillows go. I would maybe fix it the wrong way and when he points it out ask him to show you how he likes it fixed. Once you know he can do it himself when he wakes up go to him and encourage him to fix it himself. He’ll have the closeness he needs by having you come to him but he’ll know how to fix his sleeping environment without you, and eventually (tear) he won’t need your help and will stop waking you to do it for him.

    Now obviously nothing I suggested is a quick fix but they are only this young and small once. And before you know it he will be sleeping in his own bed, in his own apartment, across town. UUGGHH! And in the meantime, just keep loving your kiddos.

    Hugs!

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  7. Hiya… Please don’t feel like a bad mummy!! you’ve been through so much & it’s totally understandable that you’re feeling guilty & bad about things – but you mustn’t feel that way. You’re a fab mummy, it’s so clear that you love your children deeply – Do what you feel is right & don’t worry about it at all.
    sending [[[hugs]]] & xxxxxxxx

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  8. There is a battle that wages in a momma who knows the pain of losing a baby. And dear sweet Jami, you are not alone. I pray there is some kind of insight and encouragement in my words. Take what you want and leave the rest. Although I don’t fully understand the struggles you face, I do understand the struggle between mourning lost babies and in the midst of mourning supplying the love and support your little ones at home crave from you. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart, it is a privilege that has been so graciously granted to you… to us. I too know the pain of losing, the fear that comes with losing and the regret and dare I say paranoia that can easily be ushered in after such a loss. My arms ache for my 3 babies who are being lovingly embraced by my all loving Father. And at times in the midst of mourning my lost babies I have placed that desire to hold them on my wonderfully healthy and innocent 4 and 2 year old.

    “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”
    We all know that verse in 2 Timothy by heart but do we live in it? Do we set our feet firmly on this truth?

    To be a mother who loves the Lord and who can daily show His love to our children we HAVE to sleep. :) It is not selfish or cruel to need sleep. It is essential for our well being and for our children’s well being. Just as we need sleep, our precious little ones need to learn sleep patterns and they NEED sleep for their growth and health. It is heartbreaking when your little ones cry at night, screaming for you. I cant tell you the number of sleepless nights I have spent trying to juggle the sleeping habits of my little ones and myself being so sleep deprived that I can not even think straight. All I know, is that from my experience, the exhausting task of creating a sleeping pattern for my kids and myself was more than worth the effort. At first my lil ones screamed and cried for hours on end at night and it was pure torture for me. But oddly, they were not traumatized like I was sure they were. They were sleep deprived. The whole world seemed brighter and so much more manageable when we all got the sleep our bodies needed. My mourning was bearable with sleep and I found that instead of waking up exhausted and honestly annoyed by my sweet kids in the morning I would wake up before them, eager for them to wake because I missed them.

    It is easy to believe the lie that we are not enough, that we are unable to manage the trials that we face. But this is exactly that, a lie! You can give your little ones the sleep structure they need, and it is not damaging them. It is what they need, it is healthy, it is right. You have not damaged your handsome lil man, you daily do your best and let God cover the rest. He WILL cover your struggles as a mom and none of us are perfect. My mom always told me that you know your a mom when you struggle between fear and guilt, fear for what may happen and guilt of what has happened. But we are not called to a life of fear. Dont let fear or guilt drive the parenting decisions you make, it is not easy. In fact it is torture at times, to lovingly discipline them. But we are called to “raise them in the way that they should go”. It is tough and trying but well worth the work.

    Love to you sweet Jami!

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  9. Jami, you’re anything but a bad mommy! What you were all through is going to affect every member of your family. I can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been on. I think no matter how guilty or bad we feel as parents our kids instinctively know when parents love them. It’s very obvious you deeply love your children. (And, they are both beautiful I might add!) I agree with what Merel said and I just watched an episode of Supernanny where she did this very thing! She had a little guy who was sleeping w/mom & dad. They got him his own big boy bed and made his room this neat little place with all his favorite toys, etc. But, when it came time for him to sleep there he wasn’t having any of it. He screamed and cried but the mom came into his room (not saying a word) made sure he was O.K. and then went out. When he continued crying she came back in and sat on the floor with her back to him without saying a word. Believe me, it was excruiciating for mom but after a night or two he slept in his bed no problem. I guess the idea was for him to know that was his place to sleep and that mom would still be there if he really needed her. It’s really hard to watch little kids cry like that and you know it rips at your heart when it’s your own. I think you should just do what you feel is right. Things always have a way or working out. Someday, this will all be a distant memory. Good luck and ((((hugs)))) to you all…………..Kris

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  10. Oh Jami. I love your sweet spirit and your honesty so much. I am learning as I go as a mama, as we all are, and I don’t have any advice really. But one thing I know for sure is that children- very young ones especially- are extremely resilient. It is so obvious that Chase is a really happy little boy and that he is very loved by his mama and knows it. Your love for all your babies is the first thing I think of, when I think of who you are. You are handling so, so much, and you are doing great. You are an incredible mom. I know it doesn’t always feel that way, but it is true. I pray that the nights get better for both of you- for change and for healing in every way. Love you.

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  11. I just want to encourage you, know that you are doing your best and God will cover the rest. He will cover the valleys that your children experience with you as you mourn the loss of your precious baby girl. I too have lost babies and had to face the sleepless nights and exhausting days as I continued to mourn and struggled to create joy and peace in my home for my precious children I have been blessed with.

    To struggle with mourning, the emotional and physical effects of recently having a baby and also the everyday stresses of life is heavy. But it doesn’t need to be sweet friend. If you are anything like me, then you struggle with regret and guilt. Over what you are going through, what you have been through and that you were not able to shield your little man from feeling the loss your family has experienced. I’m here to tell you this: hold every thought captive, do not let guilt or sadness or regret guide your parenting with your handsome boys. You have experienced a hurt that is deep, that is life changing. And the way to honor your precious daughter is to love your children who are here, now. Miss her, long to hold her, have your times of prayer when the ache is unbearable and the only thing you can offer are moans. Our heavenly Daddy knows your pain, truly knows your pain. I know your pain….. and I’m here to tell you that you can get through this.

    Yes, every person parents differently, parents the way the Lord leads them. But sweet friend, you HAVE TO SLEEP! And your handsome boy is not tragically, and permanently scarred by the last few years. Trust that he is covered by our all knowing and loving Father. And do what you know deep down you need to do for him. Teach him to sleep. I guarantee it will be heartbreaking, to hear him cry out for you. But know that he is just a child, a child who is set in the routine of waking and being comforted and who is not sleeping properly. He needs sleep just as badly as you do. He is not going to resent you, he is not going to feel unloved or abandoned. Please know that I care, that my heart aches with the memories of those sleepless nights. I found myself trying to fill the ache inside for my lost babies with the precious ones I have here, but what I found was the although both them and myself needed the comforting and cuddling, I needed to mourn. I needed to be able to let the ache in my empty arms be just that, Empty. And let my Father fill the emptiness, not my children. If I am off base please throw out what I am saying, take or leave it. Being a mother is hard, and being a mother who knows the deep gut wrenching pain of a lost child makes it excruciating at times. But you will slowly feel less pain and more joy, joy of having experienced the sweet baby you had for such a short time. And you have the wonderful blessing of knowing that you will see her again, and that she is being loved and sheltered and cradled by our Daddy. But sweet Jami, sleep will help you along. Sleep will rejuvenate you and you will be amazed at how much easier it will all be when you are rested. Teach your boys now, teach them to love night, to love to sleep and rejuvenate. It took time but now, my children run to bed to sleep. And I can tell you, I was where you are now. It will get easier my lovely friend. Love to you and your precious family!

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  12. I just stumbled on this post and can’t fathom all you’ve been through. I think the best thing is to trust your “mother’s intuition.” If you feel that your son was traumatized or is grieving over the loss of his baby sister and/or over the loss of the mom he knew then it would probably be a good idea to follow up on that. Your son is obviously too young for traditional therapy but he would probably do great in a play therapy setting. If you’re into more alternative treatments there is NAET which treats symptoms caused by environments, physical, or emotional factors (http://naet.com/subscribers/drnamerica.html). Hope this helps. Good luck!

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  13. Hey Jami. I’ve been thinking about you a lot since you posted this a few days ago. My heart goes out to you. Somedays I feel consumed with guilt that I’m screwing up my kids. I appreciate your honesty about your situation. The first step to getting better is admitting that there is indeed a problem. It is not for the faint-hearted! You are a strong woman and will overcome this too.
    The other ladies are right that you do need your sleep. Take the advice and make if fit your family. I think Ted will be a key player in helping Chase sleep through the night. Maybe it’s obvious to you, but sometimes as mommys in the middle of the battle, we miss the obvious. One gallon of milk is extremely excessive for a young boy. Calcium is good but too much is not good for the body either. Once he lessens the amount of milk he is drinking, his stools will become solid and less frequent. As I said, that may have just been pointing out the obvious. :)
    Mainly what I want to speak into is regarding your heart as well as Chase’s. First of all, in no way do I believe that Chase has been irreparably tramautized. I do, however, know that as parents we can unintentionally wound our children. I know I have had wounds from my parents and have done my best to deal with those as they have come up. It’s life, really. We are human and make mistakes. I have had similar worries with Caleb since Bella was born when he was at such a sensitive age. He needed his mommy and I was unable to be there for him because of Bella. Now, I don’t think that it will affect him for the rest of his life, but it has had some negative effects. The advice that I’m going to give you is something that Steven and I have been talking about for awhile but have yet to actually do. So we are right there with you. I believe that the best thing we can do is own up to it and cover it in the blood of Christ. Pray for him and over him. Apologize even if he can’t understand. One of the things that was brought up a lot when we were involved with inner healing in Kansas City was that, our feelings are valid. Even of our parents had a just reason for doing what they did, it’s okay to acknowledge that it hurt us or that our needs were not met. As parents now, one of the things that we can do is set our own emotions aside and listen with an open mind as our kids voice their feelings, perspectives, and needs, even of they aren’t exactly accurate. Its how they perceived it to be and that’s what hurt them. We need to make our amends and pray the blood of Jesus over our children. He washes away our mistakes and he is the only one who can take away the negative effects of our mistakes. Pray for healing for Chase. Do whatever you need to do to “get your side of the street cleaned up” and then stand confident that it’s a done deal! Don’t let the enemy come in and overwhelm you with guilt. Once it’s under the blood, the enemy has no right to throw it back in your face. Let go of the guilt and stand firm as you parent Chase. Don’t let your guilt cause you to give in to another cup of milk. Does that make sense? Those icky feelings of guilt are not from the Lord. He loves you and brings gentle conviction when we are wrong. He brings conviction because he loves us and wants us to be healthy and whole and to walk up rightly in him. He does not beat us up and leave us feeling ugly and wounded. If you’re feeling that way, put on the armor of God and kick the enemy in his butt and out of your house!
    I hope that helps. I don’t really have any specific tips for you as to how to get him to sleep through the night, but I will be praying for you all and know that you can and will figure it out! I did like what one lady suggested about only having half a gallon of milk in the house at a time. When it’s gone, it’s gone! :) I love you, Jami!

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