an all-over-the-place post about nights and Chaseyboy
(this post has been in the works for a month now so even as i re-read some of this i can see how much God has really been working in my heart and mind – so very thankful that my eyes have been opened or whatever you want to call it…read on if you dare ;)… no but seriously, do because i want to hear from those who may have walked this road before us)
Chase is almost 3-years-old. 33 months to be exact. and there is something i have rarely (if ever, really) shared. definitely not on the blog – maybe you caught a glimpse of it in my post about the “ba-bas” and even when sharing with close friends and family, i haven’t shared what nights with Chase are really like.
i don’t think i ever made the conscious decision to not be honest, i mean people who are around enough, know that Chase has “rough nights”. but within the last month as i’ve gained more perspective i’ve started to share honestly about what it’s really like. mostly to process it and try to understand it.
the perspective that i’m talking about – about our (my- not Ted’s but not his fault as he is seriously the deepest sleeper i know) nights with Chase – is that what we are going through is {not} normal. it’s like my eyes have been opened to what’s really going on and maybe, if i’m being totally honest, i’m facing the reality of something i haven’t wanted to for far too long. the reality. the truth.
sometimes, it’s feels easier to go through the motion of things than to really deal with the root cause, the deeper issues. or maybe it’s just that i don’t even know where to begin, or i’m afraid of what i’ll really learn if i allow myself to face everything honestly.
yeah, obviously i’m still sorting through all of my thoughts. i’m overwhelmed by them. and, i’m afraid to share. but i {need} to share. i {need} to hear from others who are/have walked this road before. because i am baffled. because it’s recently started to take it’s toll on me.
there isn’t really a “gist” i’m getting at. it’s actually bunch of things jumbled into one big mess. and we go through this every.single.night.
i am slightly afraid that people might say, “well you’ve brought this on yourself”. and maybe that’s partly true. i love co-sleeping. i read this or that for and against it before i had Chase and decided i’d just do what i felt was right for us in the moment. after we had him, i pulled him into bed around 2 months and until a month before Shailo was born, he was still in our bed.
now he is in his own toddler bed, beside our bed (really don’t want to get into the full answer of why he’s next to our bed…basically, it’s a fear-based thing within me that i’m working through. and also, because of our nights with him.) so, yes, he’s in his own bed. and Shailo sleeps in his little bed beside ours and I pull him into bed around 5am every morning (i would co-sleep with him, like i did Chase but after losing Eisley, it’s again, another one of my fear-based things. freaks me out now.)
the truth about our nights is that they are sleepless, long and exhausting. i am going to share honestly with the hope that {someone} can say they’ve walked through this too and can help me. here goes.
Chase doesn’t sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time. he wakes me up either every hour or hour and a half. (edit (because this has been a draft for a few weeks now): Chase slept one night for a period of 4/5 hours and i slept so deeply that when i woke i felt i had overslept and could barely get out of bed. cra-zy awesome and also, more perspective that this isn’t normal.)
he wakes me and asks me to do things like to straighten his pillow case. to fix his blanket because it’s no longer the way he likes it to lay. he wakes me if his jammies are on weird, or the ankles slid up to high but he can’t {not} wear jammies because if he doesn’t, he itches his skin until he bleeds (eczema) so in a way, some things seem kind of hopeless although i know they probably aren’t.
he’s totally inconsolable if he asks for milk and doesn’t get it. part of that is because he’s half awake and mostly because it’s a {major} comfort thing. i tried water for a time and that worked a whopping two times. he was doing much better in this area but again it’s gotten worse. we go through a gallon a day – maybe a day and a half if we’re lucky.
(-kind of TMI- side note: because he drink so.much.milk i have totally put off potty training all together. in my brain, the way this has to work it to get him to stop drinking so much fluids daily first. then begin the training. he pees SO much as you can imagine a child his age would, going through a gallon of milk all by himself in one day. he also poops like a baby still. mushy poos, rarely solid. (how’s that for TMI) so our nights our putting a damper on even things like potty training and saving money in diapers and milk…)
i was lying awake one night, around 3 am and trying to wrap my mind around our nights and i felt so clearly God reminded me of the first night i had to leave Chase to be hospitalized for Eisley. i suddenly realized that this could be a huge factor in why he freaks out at night. why he is unconsolable and needs the comfort of milk.
he was (is) traumatized too.
my heart aches every day lately as i’ve really let that sink in. i’ve known for a {long} time now this is an area i need to face. since we lost Eisley, i’ve struggled with anger towards Chase for things that aren’t his fault. things that are totally out of his control and to be honest, my hearts knows a major part of why he struggles with sleep is because he’s traumatized. by what happened while i was on bed rest and suddenly unable to to the “normal” things with him anymore. traumatized because his mother – whom always slept with her arm wrapped tightly around him – suddenly left him (when i hospitalized for Eisley – which once i had her, was 1 month. 1 month away from Chase)
traumatized because the woman who was now back wasn’t the momma he knew -watching me come back home – a changed, confused, grief-consumed and broken momma, not the momma he’d known his whole life (he was just 14 months at the time). i sometimes feel like she’s gone. the carefree-light hearted-cheery-rarely angry-momma.
i felt so consumed by the loss of Eisley that i stopped taking care of him in the loving, natural way i had before. i felt angry at him at times because i wanted to just be left alone in my grief, and friends, i feel like i’ve traumatized my son. i know i have.
i love him so very deeply and my heart has been changed by the love i have for him. from the very first time i learned he was growing inside my womb. from the very first time i heard his heartbeat, felt his movements within and saw his little profile during an ultrasound. and from the moment i held him in my arms, it’s like i now stand watching my heart run around in him. in my memory of eisley. in shailo.
it’s this deep, unbelievable and inexplicable love.
and my eyes have been opened again to this beautiful boy before me, my firstborn love, my Chaseyboy. my first baby to claim a piece of my heart. i love him so much and i know i’ve hurt him so deeply in my actions. in my season(s) of coldness and depression.
i’ve prayed my heart out during our nights but have i really meant it beyond my own selfish desire for sleep of my own? until recently, i don’t think so. i’ve been so selfish and so consumed.
it’s eating away at me. lately i watch him run around and i’m in awe at him and who he is, again. i’m starting to see him the way i once did before, and not just through the eyes of a grieving, confused and broken momma. i still feel broken and confuse and somedays, consumed, but mostly i feel like God is showing me what is before me in the here and now, and how i can live my life with my two beautiful boys and husband and still carry on Eisley’s legacy. it’s okay to feel these waves of grief and sorrow all while intertwined with living a full and happy life here. what’s before me now.
i am so blessed to call Chase Journey, son. my firstborn. whom from the very beginning his life has truly been quite a journey. so much has happened in his (almost) 3 years of life, it’s unbelievable.
one night, i was lying in bed with him, reading books before bedtime and i decided to video him reading this book to send to his Grandma Anisa in Alaska. it was a book about construction vehicles and it was so cute. when i pushed play and watched it back, i felt kind of stunned. thanks to having a phone with video capability now, i can watch him now from a perspective that most would see him, not sure if that makes sense. you know, like as a mother or auntie or whatever, you are around the kiddo enough to understand them and how they say things, so while we understand them, others are like, what did they just say? i had that moment. and brain suddenly registered the reality as i listened to his young voice; Chase is still oh so little. my heart stung a bit at that reality. i treat him and expect more out of him as if he were so much older.
i actually goes through these “roller coaster” emotions when it comes to Chase and how i feel i have/haven’t treated him. they go hand in hand with the season i’m in, so in my seasons of feeling more hopeful i feel guilty in how i’ve treated him during my seasons of depression, fear and anxiety. it’s a really hard and draining battle within me but i want to face this.
i want to be clear that i have never ever hated Chase or anything like that. i have always loved him and i always will. i’ve struggled with knowing how to grieve the loss of one child and still really, truly care for my other children the way i can best.
i guess i just wanted to share and see if there may be anyone who has walked this path before and has wisdom for me. whether it be about the nights or about grieving the loss of another child while caring for your children here with you and if you get me and what i’m failing miserably at trying to share here.
please pray for us as we keep processing all of this. please pray that we can find a way to get through these nights and most importantly how to really understand and work through any trauma that Chase is going through.
thanks for reading. i often hit post and know that those who really stick through to the end here (hi, you :)) must really, seriously like me or something for sticking around long enough to go through the ups and downs of my emo processing here. thank you.
love,
jami
oh Jami, I don’t have any advice for you as I am not a mother. However I do know that you are doing a wonderful job at raising your children after the loss of your daughter. Peace be with you….
Jami,
I cannot even begin to claim to have any sort of understanding of the ache that you must be experiencing. I do, however, know that God is good, and kids are extraordinarily resiliant.
It is very evident from all that I have ever read in your posts, that you love your kids with your whole heart. Sometimes, we are loving with a whole heart that has holes… God fills in the holes and is the parent we are unable to be.
My prayers are with you and your precious family as you search for answers, and for His peace and rest to be present in the process.
Bless you and your sweet boys!
Shannon
This is beautiful. The love you have for your son is beautiful. I’m proud of the momma you are, and I’m proud of and impacted by your vulnerability. I trust God to lead you, seeing as he loves Chase…and he loves you…more than anyone else ever could.
I love you and my little love.
Hey, I know I’m not a mom and I don’t have much insight to offer…. I just know you seem so much stronger than I could ever be having gone through all you’ve been through. I don’t mean regular genaric “strong”…. It’s deeper… And it seems in your weakness and honesty and realness you are displaying and growing an incredible strength which I can only assume is a daily gift from God.
Likei said, I don’t have much wisdom to offer, but something that jumps out to me is food allergies. I’ve been figuring out some health stuff lately for myself and going to a naturopath doctor. I have a food allergy appt next month so I don’t know for sure yet, but i really think that drinking milk or having ice cream, etc. causes me to get exeema around my mouth and eyes. Like I said, I’m not totally sure about it all yet. But I’ve been learning so much about how diet affects sleep and moods and energy levels and headaches and stress and skin and bathroom trips and on and on. I know it’s maybe expensive but I feel that it’s something worth looking into and praying about. I know that doesn’t solve all the problems. I just know I don’t get crazy headaches when I avoid sugar.. I’m not a drugged feeling zombie since I quit wheat and my stomach and face are happier when I don’t have milk.
I hope this helps and I’ll be praying for you and your beautiful family.
Hi Jamie, You are so honest on your blog!
Some practical things about the Chase sleeping this, is that I read a good book “Sleeping through the night”, Is the only book we read for Spencer. I don’t know if your goal is to have Chase sleep in a bed in another room, but in that case you have to let him nap in there in the afternoon for a while until he start liking his own bed. It has to be a positive experience for him. You can do this with toys etc.. Than after a week or so, you can put him in there at night as well. This is not going to be easy. But it might be easier for him to understand when his little brother is also in a different room (but I don’t know what your goal is with that). When he is able to fall asleep in his own room, you can start training him sleeping longer bits. But the book will help you with that. You could go through this process in about 2 weeks, and he should be a happy sleeper. But it isn’t easy. We had Spencer in our bed too, and he didn’t wanted to sleep without us. We really wanted to have him in another room because he kept us up because he was so noisy. In Holland they gave us advise to have him for the first 6 weeks in the same room. When we moved back to Denver we started the process of letting him getting used to his bed, and after that we trained him for a week to sleep through the night (not feeding him, stretching time). To do this the father has to have a big role in this. So Jonah went up for quit some nights, but after a while he slept through the night and now he is really happy in his own room, and we have our sleep back.
I know your situation will not totally apply, but I thought Spencer was traumatized too because of the ICU. We didn’t want him to be far from us because it looked like he needed the physical tough. It seems to me that he is now happier, because of the boundaries and the clarity we gave him. We cuddle him and hold him during the day as much as we can.
We’ll pray for you!
Hi Jami,
First off I’m so glad you’re blogging again. I missed you.
I haven’t “weaned” Alessandra from the family bed (or from nursing for that matter) so as far as that goes I don’t have a lot of advice but what I can tell you is this. Your process and parenting style is up to you and as long as it’s working and everyone is happy there isn’t a reason to change. But from the sound of your post what you were doing isn’t working so something needs to change, and change isn’t easy. I have been working on night weaning (no nursing at night) for a while. What was working for me was when she would wake up and ask to nurse I would tell her that they were sleeping. I would say, “Daddy’s sleeping and Mommy’s boobies are sleeping. We need to wait until they wake up in the morning.” We went from four nursings a night to just one and my goal is for her to go from nursing before bed to our “snuggle time” just before we get out of bed.
Obviously you can’t tell him the bottle is sleeping so maybe buy a smaller container of milk and tell him that you only have – a half gallon lets say – for the whole day. When he asks for milk have him come with you to the refrigerator to fill his cup. And as you get closer to the bottom of the jug warn him that he’s almost out. He’s old enough now to understand when something is gone it’s gone. So when the milk is gone offer him some water until the next day. If he knows there is no more milk maybe he won’t ask for it at night.
Now for the night sleeping. I never in a million years thought I would have a family bed. And then I lost Pearce and everything I thought I knew about parenting went out the window. I could not stand to hear Alessandra cry and I definitely couldn’t do the cry it out method. So she came to bed with us. She slept and we slept, so it was good. I really doubt Chase remembers or has any traumas from when you lost Eisley but what I do think he remembers is the stress he feels every night. If you’re stressed or concerned or worried about what you’re doing he’s going to pick up on that. And then he will become stressed, concerned and worried about bedtime too. So what I would say is take a deep breath and figure out what you want. What does the perfect bedtime routine look like for you and your family. Then move forward with that plan with the confidence that you are doing the very best for your family.
As far as the covers and pajamas and pillows go. I would maybe fix it the wrong way and when he points it out ask him to show you how he likes it fixed. Once you know he can do it himself when he wakes up go to him and encourage him to fix it himself. He’ll have the closeness he needs by having you come to him but he’ll know how to fix his sleeping environment without you, and eventually (tear) he won’t need your help and will stop waking you to do it for him.
Now obviously nothing I suggested is a quick fix but they are only this young and small once. And before you know it he will be sleeping in his own bed, in his own apartment, across town. UUGGHH! And in the meantime, just keep loving your kiddos.
Hugs!
Hiya… Please don’t feel like a bad mummy!! you’ve been through so much & it’s totally understandable that you’re feeling guilty & bad about things – but you mustn’t feel that way. You’re a fab mummy, it’s so clear that you love your children deeply – Do what you feel is right & don’t worry about it at all.
sending [[[hugs]]] & xxxxxxxx
Jami, you’re anything but a bad mommy! What you were all through is going to affect every member of your family. I can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster you’ve been on. I think no matter how guilty or bad we feel as parents our kids instinctively know when parents love them. It’s very obvious you deeply love your children. (And, they are both beautiful I might add!) I agree with what Merel said and I just watched an episode of Supernanny where she did this very thing! She had a little guy who was sleeping w/mom & dad. They got him his own big boy bed and made his room this neat little place with all his favorite toys, etc. But, when it came time for him to sleep there he wasn’t having any of it. He screamed and cried but the mom came into his room (not saying a word) made sure he was O.K. and then went out. When he continued crying she came back in and sat on the floor with her back to him without saying a word. Believe me, it was excruiciating for mom but after a night or two he slept in his bed no problem. I guess the idea was for him to know that was his place to sleep and that mom would still be there if he really needed her. It’s really hard to watch little kids cry like that and you know it rips at your heart when it’s your own. I think you should just do what you feel is right. Things always have a way or working out. Someday, this will all be a distant memory. Good luck and ((((hugs)))) to you all…………..Kris