simply put: i struggle too.

Recently I hung out with a rockin’ momma to two boys. Our crazy boys ran wild and we talked. I felt at ease around her and like I didn’t have to worry if she saw just how crazy my life with my boys can get. What I loved is how very real she is: authentic and genuine. She shared her heart and struggles and thoughts. I appreciated it oh so much. We were talking and I realized I hadn’t seen her for months. Life gets super busy and while I know that was a part of it, I also realized something else this morning. I’ve tried to connect with other momma’s in the area, to be turned down, often. (This isn’t a pity party post, I promise :))

I have come to realize, that a lot of the struggle is me. Unless people really take the time to get to know me, they feel I am not relatable. Why? I’ve recently figured this out.

And oh.my.word. it breaks my heart.

I share a lot on social media, photos-wise. I share beautiful moments from our lives – down to the daily life that I find cute, or a meal, or I share creative things, places we’ve visited, things I’ve made, silly moments, etc. Over time and a handful of conversations later I’ve come to realize, people are intimidated. I guess from the outside looking in, mostly via my sharing photos, my life might seem like I have a lot of things “together” or “going for me”. I definitely know the reality of my life is far from these things, but maybe a struggling momma would see this differently when she sees a photo I post?

Today, I am here to say, I am not. I am sooooo far from having it all together. And I am so sorry if that is how you feel I’ve portrayed my life. It breaks my heart that in sharing, people might believe this to be true. After hearing little remarks/comments such as me being referred to as a “pinterest mom” or “super mom” or “that mom who makes all others look bad”, etc I know the importance of wanting to clearly share and portray my heart to you. I feel sick knowing that I’ve caused others to feel intiminated or downcast or like I am not able to relate.

My entire hope is to:

a) document our lives

b) encourage and uplift and inspire others in things I post: whether about life or in creativity

c) focus on the more positive because of where we’ve walked in life. I {have} to focus more on those moments or I sink deep into my depression.

I am weary of others either feeling I am unable to relate to struggle or that what I post is a facade. I’m here to say, I STRUGGLE and this is not a facade.

I know what the “world” says in successful and it’s truly a facade. It’s so difficult because we feel we need to put on these facades, to show the world that we’ve got it all together. When the reality could be, we are struggling, we are lonely, we need community. We need a safe place to share honestly and feel no judgement whatsoever. That is exactly why I recently started a momma’s group.

f40f2013799f377440998d41c5bec852

(found this via pinterest and loved it!)

If we allow it, there is an intimidation that we sometimes feel when it comes to others and how we mother or even how we live our lives. Desiring their giftings or perhaps, when it comes to the lives we see online or what we think we see face to face.

 I struggle because I want to share the more positive because that truly is an honest outlook on our life. Some of this is wired in me and some of this has really become a part of me since we’ve lost Eisley. I feel more aware and thankful for things I once took for granted.

But sometimes I struggle. I mean really struggle.

Sometimes Ted gets home from work at night and I have yet to shower, I’m in boogy and food covered yoga pants, dinner is only just getting started (if that), laundry might be done but folded – no way. Sometimes I am in tears or just bone weary.

I struggle because I know that I can’t have the house clean all of the time – that is unless I go mad-crazy and decide to clean all day long. I struggle because I don’t like to cook – I’m a stay at home momma who actually, dare I say, HATES to cook. I have no creativity or passion when it comes to this area. Zilch. I struggle because I have never been good at a strict nap schedule – or really, any kind of schedule – for my boys. You wouldn’t believe how often I feel guilty that it isn’t my strong area. My boys more often than not, stay up way too late and get up way too early.

I struggle because some days I yell at my kiddos or cry way more than I “should” in front of them.

I struggle lately because my sweet Chaseyboy has become mouthy, rude and keen to tantrum throwing when he doesn’t get his way.

I struggle when my boys seem to they fight more than love on each other.

I struggle taking passive aggressive things people post online (that have nothing to do with me) personally.

I struggle when others think I have my life together when I feel so often it’s messy and I’m often lonely and living as a broken and depressed and (still) grieving momma.

I have been struggling lately as I hear the comments that continue to flood in. I’m a sensitive soul and a people pleaser and I try to be as authentic as possible.

I actually feel so dumb saying it, but I’m truly trying to share the more difficult moments as well. I share here on my blog a lot about my struggles with depression, or about the loss of Eisley or even about Ted and I and about Chase and our struggles with him. I haven’t shared those sort of things on facebook and other social media sites as much because to be honest, after we lost Eisley I realized it made people uncomfortable or people didn’t want to hear it. People didn’t want to know what was going on. And also, passive agressive comments fly around on facebook so often about people who use facebook as a diary – and at times, reading and hearing videos of things people shared regarding this – it broke my heart. Here I felt lonely and shared online because of this (is this right? probably not, however when you aren’t a part of a community of people who want to hear what’s going on, it’s hard not to want to reach out – which is lame, but for me at a time, that meant through my blog and through my facebook. Asking for prayer and hope and encouragement. To know we weren’t alone.)

Something that has helped me a lot recently is a book called Abba’s Child by Brendan Manning. I feel like I am accepting my broken nature and learning who I truly am in Him.

I was sharing with a friend my struggles with these comments and how I’ve begun to realize how people perscieve me. It breaks my heart. If you know me or have followed me here, you know I love to document our lives. A part of who I am is that when I feel inspired, I pick up my camera. I don’t often feel inspired when I’m battling through a tantrum with my almost 4-year-old or when my boys are pummeling each other out of anger or when my husband and I are arguing. Or when my house is a wreck. Or when I’m up for 4 hours straight with my 1 1/2 year-old due to weaning. Or when I’m popping in my anti-depression medication right before bed each night.

Photos and posts about this, it is actually harder for me. Not because I don’t want to share those moments in fear of judgement – no, in fact I’ve come to realize people judge less when I share such photos. And when I share positive, I feel even more judged at times. It is mostly harder for me because I truly want to focus on the positive. I want to capture the beautiful moments – and now, I am working on capturing the more difficult ones as well. I have realized that people feel I am more relatable when I share these moments as well.

There are comments and things I have to brush off as someone’s judgement of me, but as I’ve heard from people I respect and admire myself, I realize, even those who aren’t judging me tend to believe this true of me. It breaks my heart and I hope today I was able to share a bit more to help put things into perspective and explain my heart.

I struggle too. Every day.

It’s just that for me, I {HAVE} to create and I {HAVE} to focus more on the positive. This is for me personally.

If I wasn’t such a people pleaser and an empathy-person, this post wouldn’t be happening ;) However, any time that even ONE person has a struggle with me, I’m torn. So this post may be more for me than for you, but I hope I’ve clearly portrayed what I have hoped all along.

Authenticity, possitivity and inspiration.

Love, Jami

Advertisements

Moments – on living intentionally.

My darling, always-on-the-go Shai has calmed and now sleeps peacefully beside me. His little chest rising and falling softly. His chubby belly peeking out from his shirt. Sleeping in his diaper with no pants, but of course. ;)

20130320-214028.jpgHe is now 16-months-old… I truly feel as though I blinked and here we are. Once again, I’m left stunned at how fast time seems to be flying by!

Which is kind of fitting with what I’ve decided tonight to share tonight. Something that has been on my heart for some time now: time. Even before I became a mother, I have found prioritizing my time difficult. Now…definitely so. I’ve also struggled feeling guilty for doing things that I love and that recharge me, especially with the seemingly endless ‘to do” lists. In reading Organized Simplicity, I’ve found that a lot of these struggles, even my insecurities when it came to do things I that recharge me; like creating, were written out and the author, Tsh, was speaking to my heart;

“Well, here’s the thing – everyone has been allotted the same amount of time. We’re all given twenty-four hours per day. The only difference in time between one person and another is how each person chooses to spend those same hours. Everybody is given the same chance, time-wise, to pursue different things. We each choose to spend those hours in a variety of different ways. And because this means we’ve got finite time to do finite activities, it should be a given that we use that time wisely and intentionally.” – Tsh Oxenreider, Organized Simplicity

Wisely and intentionally.

Each moment of each and every day is valuable. Over the years and on nights like tonight, where I sit stunned that my baby is 16-months-old, I’ve come to realize this more and more.

Every moment is a gift and what we do with this gift is so important.

I have wasted many moments, hours and days even. To even think of what those wasted moments amount to makes my heart sad.

We all have the gift of these moments. We have the choice to use the moments we’ve been given to either give us life and reenergize us or to allow our moments to slip away from us, doing things that may seem like the “right” or appealing thing but in reality they wear us thin, they drain us and over time we realize they are robbing our lives.

How often do we choose to seek after things that aren’t life-giving? How often we let even the mundane steal from us?

They’re robbing us of the precious moments we’ve been given.

Obviously there are things to be done: dishes to wash, clothes to clean, floors to be swept… On top of minds to me nurtured, little knees or hearts to be mended, bodies to be nourished, arguments to be worked through, appointments to go to, jobs to work and bills to be paid…

These moments are our every day. They need to be taken care of, yes.

But what I’m speaking of the moments we’ve been given outside of what needs to be taken care of. You might be thinking, What moments? Who has those? Pause with me for a moment. I know that there are seasons/weeks/days that are overwhelmingly busy and out of our control in some ways. But I think it’s safe to say that each of us has some sort of “down time” or maybe we’ve unknowingly allowed our lives to be so busy when we don’t need them to be.

I have begun to see how powerful it is to say “no” to the things that aren’t truly bringing life to my family and “yes” to the things that are. (Please hear my heart. It is to challenge our way of thinking and to ultimately ENCOURAGE us, you. Please read on, friends.)

“There should be some sort of criteria through which every potential event should pass, and it should only be added to the family calendar when it passes with flying colours.” Tsh Oxenreider, Organized Simplicity

Of course this makes sense. It is just a matter of doing so!

And what about time to be recharged/refreshed/reenergized?

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s hard to find time to do the things the reenergize us. I have to be intentional. And when I am, I rarely regret it (and I only say ‘rarely’ because I get caught up in feeling guilty sometimes.)

For me personally, when I have a “free” moment, I usually chose to create something. It’s just the way I am wired. Just as my momma is wired to organize. She does it effortlessly and often. She maintains a clean home and an organized life. I look at her and wish I had that gene! But also, wonder how she does it because that isn’t my strength, it isn’t my gifting.

We’re each created uniquely – even down to what bring us life and reenergizes us. Organizing does {not} refresh me, usually. Creating, yes!

I often get comments to me, people wondering and asking how do I have time for this sort of thing, you know: creating, decorating, blogging, party planning, DIYs on the blog, ETSY, etc. I think for me personally, this is just a part of who I am. I have to be creating. It’s therapeutic for me, really. It helps bring me life and refreshes me.

Often when I hit publish on a crafty blog or photo post, I always hope that people will be inspired, or understand my heart in sharing. That I won’t be misunderstood. I know that isn’t reality, because the truth is, we all view the things we see and hear through our own filters. Even sometimes through our own insecurities. I’ve come to realize that maybe the comments I’ve heard in regards to ‘how I have time to create or to do the things the refresh me’, maybe it is because we’ve come to a place where we feel that it’s a luxury. A luxury to do the things we love, creating or reading or exercising or whatever refreshes YOU. And that too makes my heart so sad because I know that you can do it. I believe you, too, could do the things you love and that bring you life.

Make it a priority. Set time aside. Plan ahead.

“There’s a big difference between intentional downtime and spacing out, and in a contest, intentional downtime wins hands down. We should recharge our batteries, relax, and get refreshed doing those things we love best.”

I get to make a lot of choices in a day. Choices with what to do with each moment. It’s like what Tsh talks about: intentional downtime or spacing out. The choice is ours to make time and the choice is ours how we spend that time.

I could choose to create, or to write, or to read, or exercise or I could veg out and kill time watching a show or surfing social media sites (I do both, unfortunately more of the social media than I’d like to admit!)

I hope you have “heard my heart” tonight. I hope you know I am by NO MEANS saying, How dare you sit on your bum on the couch and watch a show? Or surf facebook. Or pin on pinterest (um, hello, it’s me talking here). No, no, no.

I just know for myself personally, Setting aside time to do the things you love and that refresh you.

It is LIFE GIVING.

What if we paused and reevaluated our lives and what kinds of things are using up our moments? What are we allowing to fill our days? Are they things that need to be done or perhaps we have things that are robbing precious moments for us? Even the “christiany” things we might do out of habit, take a moment and ask God! Perhaps a quiet time painting or art journaling (okay, that’s totally right up MY alley, but maybe for you that looks different!)

What if we reevaluated in a way that we have allowed time to do the things that bring us life and refresh us? That bring healing to our hearts and minds? I wonder what kinds of things we could accomplish feeling reenergize and refreshed. Feeling healed instead of broken and weary and like we’ve blinked and time is flying by but we can’t exactly say where it’s gone.

an all-over-the-place post about nights and Chaseyboy

(this post has been in the works for a month now so even as i re-read some of this i can see how much God has really been working in my heart and mind – so very thankful that my eyes have been opened or whatever you want to call it…read on if you dare ;)… no but seriously, do because i want to hear from those who may have walked this road before us)

Chase is almost 3-years-old. 33 months to be exact. and there is something i have rarely (if ever, really) shared. definitely not on the blog – maybe you caught a glimpse of it in my post about the “ba-bas”  and even when sharing with close friends and family, i haven’t shared what nights with Chase are really like.

i don’t think i ever made the conscious decision to not be honest, i mean people who are around enough, know that Chase has “rough nights”. but within the last month as i’ve gained more perspective i’ve started to share honestly about what it’s really like. mostly to process it and try to understand it.

the perspective that i’m talking about – about our (my- not Ted’s but not his fault as he is seriously the deepest sleeper i know) nights with Chase –  is that what we are going through is {not} normal. it’s like my eyes have been opened to what’s really going on and maybe, if i’m being totally honest, i’m facing the reality of something i haven’t wanted to for far too long.  the reality. the truth.

sometimes, it’s feels easier to go through the motion of things than to really deal with the root cause, the deeper issues. or maybe it’s just that i don’t even know where to begin, or i’m afraid of what i’ll really learn if i allow myself to face everything honestly.

yeah, obviously i’m still sorting through all of my thoughts. i’m overwhelmed by them. and, i’m afraid to share. but i {need} to share. i {need} to hear from others who are/have walked this road before. because i am baffled. because it’s recently started to take it’s toll on me.

there isn’t really a “gist” i’m getting at. it’s actually bunch of things jumbled into one big mess. and we go through this every.single.night.

i am slightly afraid that people might say, “well you’ve brought this on yourself”. and maybe that’s partly true. i love co-sleeping. i read this or that for and against it before i had Chase and decided i’d just do what i felt was right for us in the moment. after we had him, i pulled him into bed around 2 months and until a month before Shailo was born, he was still in our bed.

now he is in his own toddler bed, beside our bed (really don’t want to get into the full answer of why he’s next to our bed…basically,  it’s a fear-based thing within me that i’m working through. and also, because of our nights with him.) so, yes, he’s in his own bed. and Shailo sleeps in his little bed beside ours and I pull him into bed around 5am every morning (i would co-sleep with him, like i did Chase but after losing Eisley, it’s again, another one of my fear-based things. freaks me out now.)

the truth about our nights is that they are sleepless, long and exhausting. i am going to share honestly with the hope that {someone} can say they’ve walked through this too and can help me. here goes.

Chase doesn’t sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time. he wakes me up either every hour or hour and a half. (edit (because this has been a draft for a few weeks now): Chase slept one night for a period of 4/5 hours and i slept so deeply that when i woke i felt i had overslept and could barely get out of bed. cra-zy awesome and also, more perspective that this isn’t normal.)

he wakes me and asks me to do things like to straighten his pillow case. to fix his blanket because it’s no longer the way he likes it to lay. he wakes me if his jammies are on weird, or the ankles slid up to high but he can’t {not} wear jammies because if he doesn’t, he itches his skin until he bleeds (eczema) so in a way, some things seem kind of hopeless although i know they probably aren’t.

he’s totally inconsolable if he asks for milk and doesn’t get it. part of that is because he’s half awake and mostly because it’s a {major} comfort thing. i tried water for a time and that worked a whopping two times. he was doing much better in this area but again it’s gotten worse. we go through a gallon a day – maybe a day and a half if we’re lucky.

(-kind of TMI- side note: because he drink so.much.milk i have totally put off potty training all together. in my brain, the way this has to work it to get him to stop drinking so much fluids daily first. then begin the training. he pees SO much as you can imagine a child his age would, going through a gallon of milk all by himself in one day. he also poops like a baby still. mushy poos, rarely solid. (how’s that for TMI) so our nights our putting a damper on even things like potty training and saving money in diapers and milk…)

i was lying awake one night, around 3 am and trying to wrap my mind around our nights and i felt so clearly God reminded me of the first night i had to leave Chase to be hospitalized for Eisley. i suddenly realized that this could be a huge factor in why he freaks out at night. why he is unconsolable and needs the comfort of milk.

he was (is) traumatized too.

my heart aches every day lately as i’ve really let that sink in. i’ve known for a {long} time now this is an area i need to face. since we lost Eisley, i’ve struggled with anger towards Chase for things that aren’t his fault. things that are totally out of his control and to be honest, my hearts knows a major part of why he struggles with sleep is because he’s traumatized. by what happened while i was on bed rest and suddenly unable to to the “normal” things with him anymore. traumatized because his mother – whom always slept with her arm wrapped tightly around him – suddenly left him (when i hospitalized for Eisley – which once i had her, was 1 month. 1 month away from Chase)

traumatized because the woman who was now back wasn’t the momma he knew -watching me come back home – a changed, confused, grief-consumed and broken momma, not the momma he’d known his whole life (he was just 14 months at the time). i sometimes feel like she’s gone. the carefree-light hearted-cheery-rarely angry-momma.

i felt so consumed by the loss of Eisley that i stopped taking care of him in the loving, natural way i had before. i felt angry at him at times because i wanted to just be left alone in my grief, and friends, i feel like i’ve traumatized my son. i know i have.

i love him so very deeply and my heart has been changed by the love i have for him. from the very first time i learned he was growing inside my womb. from the very first time i heard his heartbeat, felt his movements within and saw his little profile during an ultrasound. and from the moment i held him in my arms, it’s like i now stand watching my heart run around in him. in my memory of eisley. in shailo.

it’s this deep, unbelievable and inexplicable love.

and my eyes have been opened again to this beautiful boy before me, my firstborn love, my Chaseyboy. my first baby to claim a piece of my heart. i love him so much and i know i’ve hurt him so deeply in my actions. in my season(s) of coldness and depression.

i’ve prayed my heart out during our nights but have i really meant it beyond my own selfish desire for sleep of my own? until recently, i don’t think so. i’ve been so selfish and so consumed.

it’s eating away at me. lately i watch him run around and i’m in awe at him and who he is, again. i’m starting to see him the way i once did before, and not just through the eyes of a grieving, confused and broken momma. i still feel broken and confuse and somedays, consumed, but mostly i feel like God is showing me what is before me in the here and now, and how i can live my life with my two beautiful boys and husband and still carry on Eisley’s legacy. it’s okay to feel these waves of grief and sorrow all while intertwined with living a full and happy life here. what’s before me now.

 i am so blessed to call Chase Journey, son. my firstborn. whom from the very beginning his life has truly been quite a journey. so much has happened in his (almost) 3 years of life, it’s unbelievable.

 one night, i was lying in bed with him, reading books before bedtime and i decided to video him reading this book to send to his Grandma Anisa in Alaska. it was a book about construction vehicles and it was so cute. when i pushed play and watched it back, i felt kind of stunned. thanks to having a phone with video capability now, i can watch him now from a perspective that most would see him, not sure if that makes sense. you know, like as a mother or auntie or whatever, you are around the kiddo enough to understand them and how they say things, so while we understand them, others are like, what did they just say? i had that moment. and brain suddenly registered the reality as i listened to his young voice; Chase is still oh so little. my heart stung a bit at that reality. i treat him and expect more out of him as if he were so much older.

i actually goes through these “roller coaster” emotions when it comes to Chase and how i feel i have/haven’t treated him. they go hand in hand with the season i’m in, so in my seasons of feeling more hopeful i feel guilty in how i’ve treated him during my seasons of depression, fear and anxiety. it’s a really hard and draining battle within me but i want to face this.

i want to be clear that i have never ever hated Chase or anything like that. i have always loved him and i always will. i’ve struggled with knowing how to grieve the loss of one child and still really, truly care for my other children the way i can best.

i guess i just wanted to share and see if there may be anyone who has walked this path before and has wisdom for me. whether it be about the nights or about grieving the loss of another child while caring for your children here with you and if you get me and what i’m failing miserably at trying to share here.

please pray for us as we keep processing all of this. please pray that we can find a way to get through these nights and most importantly how to really understand and work through any trauma that Chase is going through.

thanks for reading. i often hit post and know that those who really stick through to the end here (hi, you :)) must really, seriously like me or something for sticking around long enough to go through the ups and downs of my emo processing here. thank you.

love,

jami

mommahood; lies, struggles & finding freedom.

Today was one of those days that I wish I could just rewind, wake afresh, inspired, hopeful, and start again. Today was what I sometimes call a “momma fail”.

I’ve decided to do a small series on mommahood. It has been {so} heavy on my heart for a long time now. It’s a collaboration of things that have been slowly stirring up in me since I became a momma. I’m gonna jump right in and begin with when I became a mom and the struggles that immediately followed.

 

From a young age I’ve loved children and dreamt of being a momma. So before mommahood, I had a lot of ideas of what it would be like. What I would be like as a momma. What I would and wouldn’t do. How my child would or wouldn’t behave {insert huge smile here}. What they would or wouldn’t be allowed to eat or drink. What my body would look like after a baby. How I would interact with other mommas (a part of this series). How I would continue to do the things that are me (a part of this series), etc.

Entering mommahood was quite eye-opening and caused a sudden shift in all that I had previously thought. Of course I’d stick with the values and principles I wanted as a parent, but even that can shift with each season of mommahood. I’m not here to talk today about parenting tips or anything like that, in fact, I just want to kind of be real about some struggles I’ve had in my short but swift journey of mommahood with the hope to encourage someone out there.

I remember coming home 5 days after Chase was born. We laid him in his crib and with baited breaths just watched him sleep. Neither of us slept much that first night (seriously, who’s with me with this one?). We had left the comfort of the hospital and knowing that nurses and doctors were there in a heartbeat if needed.

I remember the very first time I was ever home alone with him. I sat holding him, just staring at his beauty and trying to wrap my head around that face that he was mine (I sometimes still shake my head in awe). That was the first time that I remember the fear and lies swept in; Who am I to mother this child? In my sinful nature, I am to be the one who molds this child?! What if I don’t do it “right”? What if I mess him up?

That was the first of many lies to come.

On days like today where I feel like I’ve failed as a mother, house maker, wife, etc, the lies quickly follow behind my heels, trying to grab hold of me and bring me down.

Today, I had enough. Enough of the lies.

I Paused. Closed my eyes. Took a deep breath. And clung to truth. The truth is we really cannot do this on our own. And actually, it is that very thing that bring my heart the most comfort. It is not by our strength that we mother – teach and mold, take care of their every need and cry, discipline, comfort and console, feed and nourish, etc.

We need Him. We need truth.

Imagine if we believed that we are all He says we are.

Imagine if we walked in full victory and pushed away the lies that every so quickly weigh our momma hearts down.

Imagine if we let joy permeate our momma heart fully, undeniably.

Imagine as that very joy pours out into our children. 

Imagine if we let go of the lies that often entrap our minds and hearts as mommas and we trust that we can do this, that He has made us capable.

He is our greatest help in our time of weakness. Our strength and our strong tower (Psalm 61:3).

This joy and belief would not be a facade but in fact the very opposite. I don’t believe it would eliminate a child’s bad behaviour (though it might help it in some ways), or eliminate the messes, or the 2.5-year-old that still eats paper sometimes and chews on his sleeves all the time, if he has a shirt on. ;) It doesn’t mean that He will eliminate the struggles, no. It means that amidst the struggles and chaos that sometimes comes our way, there is a stillness within – of joy that stands firm in knowing that we are called to this and we are who He says we are. We are his and we are capable.

{Yes and amen}

Mommahood can be oh so hard and trying. But it is not by our strength alone and that brings this momma’s heart comfort tonight.

He.          is.             our.           strength. 

Breathe it in. Soak it up. Walk in it.

Rest well within mommas.

“Backhoe, where the ba-ba go?!”

Chase is 2 years and 2 months. He’s a big boy now and has prided himself of this very fact for some time now. Except there was just one “itty bitty” problem that conflicted with that. Something that I don’t talk about much because, if I’m being honest, I feel kind of embarrassed by it.

One week ago from today,

Chase was still drinking milk from a bottle. Oh, but that’s not really the main problem…he was drinking milk from a bottle… throughout the night. He was still waking up 1, 2 or even 3 times asking me for a bottle with milk. Yes, it’s true. Chase, 2 years old and 2 months, still hasn’t hadn’t slept the whole night through. Still needed momma throughout the night.

(side note: he did drink from sippy cups and cups with straws at a really young age, but we just couldn’t nip this bottle in the night thing!)

A bit of background, not that it helps or excuses it, but here it is. When Chase was just 7 months old I became pregnant with Eisley and my milk supply dwindled rather quickly. The problem that arose during that time was the Chase has never been introduced to a bottle. Well, we tried once or twice, but other than that, nothing. He had only ever been breast-fed, never bottle fed. Needless to say, weaning him was super intense (plus I wasn’t ready to and that made it even harder on my heart).

So by 1 year old, just 3 months later, we still allowed him bottles. We decided we would wean him off bottles by the time Eisley was supposed to arrive, when he was just 17 months old. Once we lost Eisley, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take away his comfort, for himself but also because I didn’t feel strong enough to “fight” that “battle”. I just didn’t have it in me. By the time we moved into our new home in April, I was in the 1st trimester of pregnancy with Boy S and then the excuse went from being emotionally unready to wean him to being too physically exhausted. So, that pushed the weaning process back even further.

And then, let’s be honest, I just became lazy. I kept saying, “We’ll start next week.” and when the new week came I’d come up with some kind of excuse to not wean him just yet. Until one night, on my 3rd trip to the fridge to get him milk. I leaned down, my hip was in pain, my right leg asleep (this happens often with how low S is) and I reached for the milk and it HIT me SO hard. In just a few weeks I would be home with a newborn baby that would need me in the nighttime for nursing. I will also be recovering from a major surgery (c-seciton) and the last thing I needed to be doing was getting up 1,2, or 3 times a night to get my 2 year old son milk.

even if he is stinkin’ cute ;)

I then (finally) set a date and stuck with it. I threw out all of the “ba-bas” and so it began. I then told him something I’m still not totally sure was the “right” or best thing to do. I told him that the backhoe came and had to take away all of his “ba-bas” because he was a big boy now and they were for little boys and babies. I wasn’t sure if he’d understand that but BOY, oh boy did he!

The first night was incredibly difficult and drew out many tears from a confused boy and a tired (and kinda sad) momma. We spent most of the night up, getting a total of 3 hours of sleep. Chase knows what he wants and is a very determined little boy that it was kind of tough. That first night, I was scratching his back (another comfort thing – but I don’t mind this one) and he said pitifully, “Backhoe…. ba-ba… backhoe… ba-ba peeeeeease” I realized then that he did understand me! And then wondered if he’d ever love backhoes again. :)  That morning as my super exhausted hubby got ready for work I told him I was tempted to get Chase pacifiers (one thing he’s never had and one thing I am DEFINITELY doing with Boy S!) Ted told me that kind of defeated our purpose. He was right but I wasn’t happy to hear that. ;)

By the 3rd night, he was doing much better and now, just one week later, we are doing phenomenally. He does occasionally wake up and ask me but last night was the moment Ted and I dreamed of;

An {entire} nights sleep uninterrupted. He slept the night through for the first time…since… ever? Maybe beside the accidental nights of deep sleep he had. Were there any? Gosh, I’m not even sure. It’s just been a really long time if so.

Yesterday, Chase and I dropped Ted off at school early and as we were driving home he noticed a bunch of construction trucks in the grocery parking lot. So I decided to pull in so he could get a better look. I pulled into the shade, rolled the windows down and we watched. I joined in his excitement and even laughed at myself that I knew some of the correct terms for the trucks like excavator, road roller, skidster loader, etc. (one of those ‘You Know You’re A Momma To A Boy When’ moments)

And then Chase suddenly YELLS out: “Backhoe, where the ba-ba go?!” I about lost it. I laughed so hard (and then of course called my mom and grandma and then texted Ted because I knew they’d all appreciate it too.)He {totally} understood what I had said to him. And he wanted an answer, even 6 days after the fact. Definitely going down in the book of ‘And then you said…’!

I know that each parenting style is different in timing of introducing certain things or taking away of others, ect. Please know that this is what our personal journey is and that if you’re in a different place; I do not judge or even think twice about it. This was/is apart of our personal journey through parenthood and failing and accomplishing a goal we’d set. Each person, family, kiddo, situation is different and I respect our different journeys through parenthood, mommahood, etc. All that to say, I hope you know my heart and don’t feel at all judged of worried if you are in a different place with your kiddo.

Which reminds me… I have a post that been stirring up in my heart about mommahood – lies, struggles, etc. It’ so heavy on my heart and mind, a lot and I will post that soon!

Thanks for reading :) Any funny stories you have, I’d love to hear :)