my response ‘i wasn’t prepared’

Tonight, I wish I could take back what I wrote and what over 221 people have already read in my ‘I wasn’t prepared’ post….It is true, I wasn’t prepared for those things but a lot of my reason for posting was based on lies I am believing and because of how hurt I feel, maybe solely from those lies I believe.

And somewhere along the way, I slowly let my comfort be found in the words of others instead of Him. I think a part of me wanted to feel something tangibly, to know that we aren’t alone, but I relied on it far too much which is another reason I crashed so hard lately. As the comments begin to dwindle, so did I.

I began believing a lot of lies. I’ve slowly collected and believed them since, I think, before we lost Eisley. Lies of what others think of Ted and I,  of what people think about the raw blogs or when I talk of Eisley or grief, lies that others don’t see her as a life lost, lies that others are talking behind out back about us and how much I write, lies that others think we should be over this by now, lies that people are being intentionally insensitive, lies that people no longer care, and on and on.

The truth is, the lines are blurred right now for me. I feel like I can’t see or think straight right now. I believe a lot of lies and I focus on the negative far more than I do the positive when ironically, the positive out weighs the negative by a lot.

I mean, obviously, I’m not talking about the death of our sweet girl. I’m talking about the positive encouragement outweighing the negative (loss of friends, lack of response, etc)…

My heart is overwhelmed right now as I remember all of those who’ve pursued us, stood with us, grieved with us, and even though most have been silent, or stood by and grieved quietly, I do know and feel this in my heart right now, the support and love. I feel like God gave me a really clear picture of that tonight as I sat talking with Ted.

Tonight, I gave up my fear of man and the lies I’ve been believing. I’m giving it up everyday and every second of the day if that’s what it takes. I feel as though a thick blanket of burden has been lifted from my shoulders and now, I can grieve freely without all of this extra stuff I’ve been carrying around.

Tonight, I sit with a full and thankful heart. Truly God has opened my eyes to see, that we are indeed surrounded by loved ones who stand with us.

For those of  you who silently stand with us, maybe as you read the story of our daughter and follow our journey through grief now and just whisper a prayer… let me just say, I so strongly feel your love tonight. Thank you.

For those of you who’ve walked this path before us, and shared  your words of encouragement and your love, thank you.

For those of you who’ve said the simplest but powerful words or even just a heart or an I love you, thank you.

For those of you who’ve sent us gifts that remind you of Eisley or for us as we walk through this valley, thank you.

For those of you who’ve consistently stood with us vocally (comments, texts, messages, etc) and let us know we are not alone or forgotten, thank you.

For those of you who’ve walked through the darkest times in this valley with us, whew… thank you for sticking by our sides and not letting us falter. Thank you for listening, for speaking truth when we need to hear it, for your tears when there are no words… thank you. 

You may have never said a word or maybe you’ve said many and you’re wondering if  I’ve forgotten your love and encouragement, I can honestly say, God’s opened my eyes to what is before me, who is standing with me. I see and to feel your love and prayers. Thank you, from the deepest part of my heart, thank you.

A friend tweeted this me this amazing verse to me tonight;

The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” – Exodus 14:14

I read a few versions of this very verse and this one might just say in the most fitting way for me tonight;

  God will fight the battle for you. 
     And you? You keep your mouths shut!

Haha. I know I sound pretty crazy tonight, blogging like a crazy-emotional maniac and well… the truth is, I am. Thanks for loving me, crazy emotions and all ;)

28 thoughts on “my response ‘i wasn’t prepared’

  1. Melisa Miller says:

    I just have to tell you again that I soooo appreciate your openness about how you are doing! It has helped me to know how to pray and it encourages me to keep pushing through even when life doesn’t make sense. Love you both and praying you know God’s true comfort and love!!


  2. Justine says:

    your vulnerability inspires me. thanks for sharing with all of us (especially me). hold on to your moments of strength. love you girl. HUG
    (She shines through you)


  3. Beth says:

    I am continually amazed at how you have journeyed this… You have captured the heart of a mama and wife that I am sure leaves God looking in awe at his creation – you, eisley, Ted, and chase. We love you guys.


  4. Courtney says:

    I have so many times written a response to you and erased it. I don’t do this whole blogging thing well, but I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being open and honest, letting us feel your heart. Your post was spot on about the feelings that myself and so many others have processed. Thank you writing it, for all of us.



    • colourherhope says:

      Courtney, Thank you so much for having the courage to write me. I know that especially (i’m assuming from what you’ve said you’ve lost a sweet child) when those who’ve walked this road before us comment, it takes courage to even write. Thank you. This means so much to me.


  5. Hannah says:

    Sending positive thoughts and hugs from Germany! Your openness and strength is amazing, and your story has touched me very deeply. Don’t get discouraged! :)


  6. devon says:

    i so get what you are writing about here. i constantly have to fight the lies that nobody cares….nobody loved us or our sons….its not true but i think satan feeds it to us so we will live in despair, anger and fear. three years later and i’m still fighting it. i wish it wasn’t so. THANK YOU for your honesty, openness….you are helping a bereaved mom who is 2 1/2 years ahead of you. crazy.

    btw, LOVING the DIY stuff!


  7. Sally says:

    I can imagine how you are feeling, I can imagine how you hoped it wouldn’t happen as it did. I too have been there, I too hoped and prayed that it would be all right…but alas I too lost a child a daughter, giving birth, that empty feeling, that bumpless stomache….those hopes and dreams. I lost my daughter at 26 weeks, to me she was a baby, complete ready and waiting….waiting to be born.
    Here I am nearly 21 years on….still finding myself wondering on occasions about her…what she would have turned out like, looked like etc.

    And here I am nearly 21 years on, able to think of her without crying, and to remember how I held her. I found it was good to talk, and those good people who listen will help with that. For me I have grown to accept things as they were/are, I won’t forget, and I won’t dwell on it all, but I will always remember and hold her close to my heart.

    Thank you for you’re courage in sharing what must have been you’re worst time when it should have been one of your best times, and for that I appreciate you’re posting honesty, because 21 years ago, this subject wasn’t so easily spoken of, people would avoid me, avoid talking/listening to me, and if your posts make people aware of how heart breaking and how fragile we all can be then you can know that your posts are nothing to hide…I thank you xxx


    • colourherhope says:

      I’m in tears Sally. This means more than you will ever know. I often wonder what years from now will feel like. WHEW. Thank you.


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