Tonight, I wish I could take back what I wrote and what over 221 people have already read in my ‘I wasn’t prepared’ post….It is true, I wasn’t prepared for those things but a lot of my reason for posting was based on lies I am believing and because of how hurt I feel, maybe solely from those lies I believe.
And somewhere along the way, I slowly let my comfort be found in the words of others instead of Him. I think a part of me wanted to feel something tangibly, to know that we aren’t alone, but I relied on it far too much which is another reason I crashed so hard lately. As the comments begin to dwindle, so did I.
I began believing a lot of lies. I’ve slowly collected and believed them since, I think, before we lost Eisley. Lies of what others think of Ted and I, of what people think about the raw blogs or when I talk of Eisley or grief, lies that others don’t see her as a life lost, lies that others are talking behind out back about us and how much I write, lies that others think we should be over this by now, lies that people are being intentionally insensitive, lies that people no longer care, and on and on.
The truth is, the lines are blurred right now for me. I feel like I can’t see or think straight right now. I believe a lot of lies and I focus on the negative far more than I do the positive when ironically, the positive out weighs the negative by a lot.
I mean, obviously, I’m not talking about the death of our sweet girl. I’m talking about the positive encouragement outweighing the negative (loss of friends, lack of response, etc)…
My heart is overwhelmed right now as I remember all of those who’ve pursued us, stood with us, grieved with us, and even though most have been silent, or stood by and grieved quietly, I do know and feel this in my heart right now, the support and love. I feel like God gave me a really clear picture of that tonight as I sat talking with Ted.
Tonight, I gave up my fear of man and the lies I’ve been believing. I’m giving it up everyday and every second of the day if that’s what it takes. I feel as though a thick blanket of burden has been lifted from my shoulders and now, I can grieve freely without all of this extra stuff I’ve been carrying around.
Tonight, I sit with a full and thankful heart. Truly God has opened my eyes to see, that we are indeed surrounded by loved ones who stand with us.
For those of you who silently stand with us, maybe as you read the story of our daughter and follow our journey through grief now and just whisper a prayer… let me just say, I so strongly feel your love tonight. Thank you.
For those of you who’ve walked this path before us, and shared your words of encouragement and your love, thank you.
For those of you who’ve said the simplest but powerful words or even just a heart or an I love you, thank you.
For those of you who’ve sent us gifts that remind you of Eisley or for us as we walk through this valley, thank you.
For those of you who’ve consistently stood with us vocally (comments, texts, messages, etc) and let us know we are not alone or forgotten, thank you.
For those of you who’ve walked through the darkest times in this valley with us, whew… thank you for sticking by our sides and not letting us falter. Thank you for listening, for speaking truth when we need to hear it, for your tears when there are no words… thank you.
You may have never said a word or maybe you’ve said many and you’re wondering if I’ve forgotten your love and encouragement, I can honestly say, God’s opened my eyes to what is before me, who is standing with me. I see and to feel your love and prayers. Thank you, from the deepest part of my heart, thank you.
A friend tweeted this me this amazing verse to me tonight;
The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” – Exodus 14:14
I read a few versions of this very verse and this one might just say in the most fitting way for me tonight;
God will fight the battle for you.
And you? You keep your mouths shut!
Haha. I know I sound pretty crazy tonight, blogging like a crazy-emotional maniac and well… the truth is, I am. Thanks for loving me, crazy emotions and all ;)