The first of many precious memories.

I will always remember April 26th as a day of celebration (and surprise! :)). Dates have always been an important thing in my life. Whether really good or really bad things happen, the date stays with me forever.

(the very first photo of our Eisley inside me)

Tuesday was a good day to remember. An anniversary to an amazing memory. The very day we found out we were pregnant (2 months to be exact) with our precious Eisley-girl. I can’t believe it has already been one year. Time is flying so much faster than I want it to, but at least this weeks anniversary was a really good one. (you can read last years post here.)

I wouldn’t trade one second of what we walked through in because we were given our sweet Eisley. We had our precious daughter, even though our time with her was so much shorter than we’d ever imagined. I am so very thankful that we had her, our Eisley. We were given such a precious gift, she was and is a gift! I am so honoured to be her momma.

My prayers to my Father have changed quite a bit since we’ve lost her. One of the ways they’ve changed is how often I ask him to show or tell Eisley such and such. To kiss her on the nose for me. To tell her how much we love her and miss her. Call me childish, but I believe He does.

On another note, for the first time ever, my blog didn’t save a draft when I requested it to and instead it deleted it. I have something so heavy on my heart to share about struggling and being a Christian and poured my heart out only to watch it disappear before my eyes. So… I’m going to write again, thankfully I hadn’t written everything! I can’t say for sure when I will be posting it, just keep checking in.

Well, Happy Saturday everyone!

The Pendulum Swing.

The title pretty much says a lot, but you know me; I’ve gotta explain every little detail :)

Weeks ago I talked about how the internet had become a way for me to cope or shut off from what I was feeling. I talked about how unhealthy it was for me and my grieving and my everyday life….and now I’ve completely swung to the other side.

I’ve “swung” from too much time spent online and away from my reality to almost no time online ever. It’s not that we are internet-less in our new home, in fact, the very day we officially moved in the internet guy came and hooked it up. I’ve just lost the desire (for the most part) to be online.

And can I just say (in most ways)… it’s felt so so so so so good to be off. And I can’t even believe I’m saying this ;) but the I don’t miss the social sites not even a tiny bit. I actually feel sick when I get on them, quite literally and I think I am learning balance in a really odd but super needed kinda way.

But I miss blogging and sharing and pouring my heart out (seriously) more and more every day. Something has been stirring up in my mind and heart so much lately and a few Sundays ago, on our hour and ten minute drive home from church, Ted and I were talking about it and so suddenly I felt to share on my blog. I guess you could say it’s kind of controversial a topic, but I feel it’s so worth it to share. My heart is oh so heavy!

I will share soon, I just want to get some really great quotes and verses together that I feel would fit perfectly. Just you wait. If you’re struggling with anything… I guess you could say, you’ve been on my heart :) I could be a blog just for YOU.

Thank you for popping in, checking on us and loving on me even despite my absence. I guess the “downfall” of realizing my unhealthy time online was that now I am facing my reality a lot more than I was (if that even makes sense). We’ve entered the 7 month since losing our sweet little Eisley-girl and my heart aches, maybe even more now than ever before. We’re doing okay, walking through a lot, taking everything day by day, minute by minute. Savouring memories all while making new ones, very bittersweet. I’ll be sharing on Tuesday about a date that’s very important to us regarding our precious daughter. :)

For now, I’ll leave you with an awesome picture Chase’s “Auntie Dee Dee” took of him just Friday.

I know I’ve said it many times before but this boy has a serious lover for music and an incredible rhythm! We’re already pouring into this little guy and his love. Can’t wait to see where it leads!

a (pretty big) peek into our home

I know many of you have been asking for pictures and I honestly didn’t want to share until I had finished a lot, but let’s face it, that will take a few more weeks and months even! So I guess I will share as we go along and make our home ours.

First, I really have to share a bit about my first impression when seeing this duplex. :) Our friends (the Rowlans) called us to tell us there was a rent sign up across the street from their home. When we called to get more details, I was super discouraged to hear it was a “lower level” duplex (the duplex wasn’t the problem, the lower level was.) My fears were confirmed when we arrived and from the front, the bottom half of the “duplex” was actually the bottom level of a house. It looked like a basement home from the front and I immediately told Ted I couldn’t live here. (I really wasn’t being dramatic, we lived in a basement of a home for 2 years and it was dark and dreary and the thought of doing that again… yikes!) But we decided to go ahead with the tour. There was a sidewalk path to a fence entrance in the backyard and as we walked into the yard my skepticism began to melt away. First, there was a big privately fenced yard (that’s just ours!) Second, the duplex opened up into the backyard and I could see right away the living room had two large windows like any upper level home would. I knew it would already feel different from the basement home we once lived in. When we walked in I saw so much potential. I had to imagine it clean and set up the way we would want it because the previous tenants were messy college kids. We walked from room to room to find there were actually 3 bedrooms for the price of a two bedroom home! Score. And there was a really nice sized kitchen. The only downfall of the home was that the bathroom was small but besides that, we really saw potential in making this our little home for the next year. So we thought about it and decided to get it that same day. (This is a college town and places like this were rented in a heartbeat!)

Okay, so now for the “peek” into our slow transition into a hopeful home!

I am not showing you our front door until I do some major cleaning and a little bit of decorating. Don’t worry, I will do a before and after but for now, this is all you will see :) I absolutely love this covering over the back entrance though, can’t you just see the potential! Lights and hanging decor?!

A peek into the yard.

Our little bathroom which does have a toilet that you just can’t see :)

This room was supposed to be half Ted’s office/study space and half my craft space but when they moved his huge desk in, I realized how impossible that would be (more of that desk later, because it’s really MY fault he has such a huge desk! haha) All that to say, this is now just Ted’s study room/office which honestly is already proven to be a really good idea.

For now, this is our guest room/craft room. Thankfully it’s the largest room because I have a lot of craft things! The plan for this room was to paint it teal on one wall (which we did) and horizontally striped pale yellow on another wall but that didn’t work because of the texture of the wall. And then in the evening the pale yellow looks more like an icky green that we’re re-painting it … coral pink! Which makes me super excited.

Now for the kitchen tour. See our cute little pantry! Remember I thrifted that for a whopping $20! I need to work on it a bit but for now it’s being put to good use. The little wicker chest (thrifted years ago) is holding all of our towels since our little bathroom can’t hold them all. :)

The kitchen island cart you see ($5 at a garage sale!) will probably end up being a craft cart instead because I’ve already realized I’m not too sure I’ll use it for kitchen purposes as much as I could for craft ones.

Hints of black,white and …

…red accents.

And my favourite part; our newly painted teal wall.

Our hallway which, yes, has the washer and dryer in it. :) I’m making a curtain to hide those beasts!

Now onto our living room!

We painted a few walls teal and you might noticed we changed our colour scheme.

Ted wanted something a little less girly than teal and pink so we agreed on red which I now am loving! Plus I got to pick our the rug and it has a hint of pink in it :) A good compromise!

I love how it’s already coming together, just one week in! We have a lot to do still, like curtains and figuring out how to hang wall art on cement walls :) We still need to find an armouir so we can hide away our TV when we want to… a lot of work ahead!

For now his toys are in the living room too. The bookshelf and his books will stay but his organizer will be moved into the craft room when we get that area straightened out :)

The view as you walk into our front door. Um, you might have noticed I didn’t share a photo of our bedroom ;) That wasn’t an accident. It’s a mess of boxes and clothes! Sometime soon I will.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this home tour. I know my sweet mother-in-law (Hi, Anisa!!) will be excited to see photos of our little home and that some of our friends would as well. Thanks for checking it out, now come on by for real!!!

Our “Hopeful Home”

As I write, sunshine is peaking in through the window as the sun begins to rise. Chasey-boy playing cars and trucks on the floor in front of me. It’s peaceful, quiet and I am writing for the first time in weeks. I woke up with the desire to write, to share and to express… for the first time in a while. The incredible part is that of the above is happening in our new “hopeful home”. Yes, we officially moved into our own little place which is a part of why I pretty much dropped of the face of the earth :) We’ve now been living here for almost a week!

It has been an incredibly busy time in our lives but all for the better. Since we moved to Fort Collins a year ago, we’ve lived with my grandparents. The “plan” was to stay with them until we found a place of our own but I was put on bedrest less than 3 months after our move up here, we needed the help and we stayed much, much longer than anticipated. Our time there was such an amazing blessing and honestly a huge life saver for us, but now it was time to pick up the pieces and try to get back on our own two feet.

From the beginning of our 3rd attempt to search for a “home” (duplex, townhome, apartment etc) I began calling it our “hopeful home”. I felt like moving and getting back on our own feet would be a very hopeful step for us and I also determined that wherever we would next call “home”, I would make it us and ours immediately and try to create a hopeful atmosphere with cheery colours and inspirational decor. We’re slowly getting there… :)

One thing I didn’t anticipate was how heavy my heart would be as we began a new season. A “hopeful” one as we were calling it. I knew that by no means was I done grieving, but what I couldn’t prepare for was how much my heart would ache as we began really dreaming again for the first time since we’ve lost our precious Eisley. I sat in a room unpacking Chase’s things and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I literally had to sit against the wall, it caught me so off guard. I just gasped and put my hand to my mouth and began to cry. I would never unpack her things to set up her space in our home. Yes, I would unpack the memorabilia that I’ve collected and the paintings and little things that I’ve made… but never would I set up her bed, her clothes in the closet, her favourite toys… It hit me in an entirely different way then ever before. At my grandparent’s home, we never had set up her things. We had a bassinet and a very little amount of things prepared for her. Because of the bedrest, I wasn’t able to go out shopping for cute clothes or practical things for her. It was another part that I had to grieve, even on bedrest, knowing I wasn’t able to prepare for her and do what was normal when you found out the sex; be excited  and prepare and even shop for cute things. After we lost Eisley, I was thankful that we didn’t have a nursery set up for her that we would have to tear down. Just the little things alone made my heart ache that I wasn’t sure I could ever have torn down a nursery too. All that to say – moving into our own home and our own space… it’s stirring up new aches and broken dreams.

I know I’ve said it a lot on my blog but this truly isn’t how it should be. I should be setting up her place in our home and having her here to be apart of our family’s dreams. I keep trying to remember what the doctors would tell me … if she had been born when we had planned, a week later than she passed, at 28 weeks… she would have been in the NICU for a year and possibly more. Even though she was perfect, being born too small and too early would cause so many health problems and aching and pain in her. I never wanted that for her and I try to remind myself that this was for the best but it’s so hard. I just really want her here. I even just sometimes imagine if my pregnancy had been normal and healthy, with the normal pregnancy aches and pains, huge pregnany with baby girl’s feet jammed in my ribs… where would be now?

I think a lot of people expected a lot more out of me than I can give currently. I am hopeful in our new home, I am very thankful that we finally have a place to call our own for the time being, I am hopeful as we enter a new season… but that doesn’t mean I’m all better or healed or done grieving. This new and hopeful season isn’t replacing the past season, it’s slowly intertwining with it and we’re learning to hope again, to dream again all while grieving and aching as we miss our daughter here with us.

I didn’t plan on being so raw the first time back to writing on my blog, but I really can’t help it today. I am so thankful for the community of people “here” that read my blog and I think, want to know where we are at and what’s going on. You’re love and encouragement to us throughout everything has been an incredible blessing to us and especially to me. Thank you so much! I’m back now and hopefully will be posting some fun pictures of the progress as I make this little 3 bedroom duplex our hopeful home :) For now, here is a sneak peek of our day one in our new home;