As I write, sunshine is peaking in through the window as the sun begins to rise. Chasey-boy playing cars and trucks on the floor in front of me. It’s peaceful, quiet and I am writing for the first time in weeks. I woke up with the desire to write, to share and to express… for the first time in a while. The incredible part is that of the above is happening in our new “hopeful home”. Yes, we officially moved into our own little place which is a part of why I pretty much dropped of the face of the earth :) We’ve now been living here for almost a week!
It has been an incredibly busy time in our lives but all for the better. Since we moved to Fort Collins a year ago, we’ve lived with my grandparents. The “plan” was to stay with them until we found a place of our own but I was put on bedrest less than 3 months after our move up here, we needed the help and we stayed much, much longer than anticipated. Our time there was such an amazing blessing and honestly a huge life saver for us, but now it was time to pick up the pieces and try to get back on our own two feet.
From the beginning of our 3rd attempt to search for a “home” (duplex, townhome, apartment etc) I began calling it our “hopeful home”. I felt like moving and getting back on our own feet would be a very hopeful step for us and I also determined that wherever we would next call “home”, I would make it us and ours immediately and try to create a hopeful atmosphere with cheery colours and inspirational decor. We’re slowly getting there… :)
One thing I didn’t anticipate was how heavy my heart would be as we began a new season. A “hopeful” one as we were calling it. I knew that by no means was I done grieving, but what I couldn’t prepare for was how much my heart would ache as we began really dreaming again for the first time since we’ve lost our precious Eisley. I sat in a room unpacking Chase’s things and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I literally had to sit against the wall, it caught me so off guard. I just gasped and put my hand to my mouth and began to cry. I would never unpack her things to set up her space in our home. Yes, I would unpack the memorabilia that I’ve collected and the paintings and little things that I’ve made… but never would I set up her bed, her clothes in the closet, her favourite toys… It hit me in an entirely different way then ever before. At my grandparent’s home, we never had set up her things. We had a bassinet and a very little amount of things prepared for her. Because of the bedrest, I wasn’t able to go out shopping for cute clothes or practical things for her. It was another part that I had to grieve, even on bedrest, knowing I wasn’t able to prepare for her and do what was normal when you found out the sex; be excited and prepare and even shop for cute things. After we lost Eisley, I was thankful that we didn’t have a nursery set up for her that we would have to tear down. Just the little things alone made my heart ache that I wasn’t sure I could ever have torn down a nursery too. All that to say – moving into our own home and our own space… it’s stirring up new aches and broken dreams.
I know I’ve said it a lot on my blog but this truly isn’t how it should be. I should be setting up her place in our home and having her here to be apart of our family’s dreams. I keep trying to remember what the doctors would tell me … if she had been born when we had planned, a week later than she passed, at 28 weeks… she would have been in the NICU for a year and possibly more. Even though she was perfect, being born too small and too early would cause so many health problems and aching and pain in her. I never wanted that for her and I try to remind myself that this was for the best but it’s so hard. I just really want her here. I even just sometimes imagine if my pregnancy had been normal and healthy, with the normal pregnancy aches and pains, huge pregnany with baby girl’s feet jammed in my ribs… where would be now?
I think a lot of people expected a lot more out of me than I can give currently. I am hopeful in our new home, I am very thankful that we finally have a place to call our own for the time being, I am hopeful as we enter a new season… but that doesn’t mean I’m all better or healed or done grieving. This new and hopeful season isn’t replacing the past season, it’s slowly intertwining with it and we’re learning to hope again, to dream again all while grieving and aching as we miss our daughter here with us.
I didn’t plan on being so raw the first time back to writing on my blog, but I really can’t help it today. I am so thankful for the community of people “here” that read my blog and I think, want to know where we are at and what’s going on. You’re love and encouragement to us throughout everything has been an incredible blessing to us and especially to me. Thank you so much! I’m back now and hopefully will be posting some fun pictures of the progress as I make this little 3 bedroom duplex our hopeful home :) For now, here is a sneak peek of our day one in our new home;