Our Clutter, Our Grief

I’ve been avoiding clutter in our life in more ways than the physical and to be honest I thought it was all unorganized because life is busy and I don’t have time: time to sit and go through it all, time to figure out what to hold on to and what to let go of.

But it isn’t the clutter I’ve been avoiding, I’ve been avoiding pain. Each year since we’ve lost Eisley, it’s gotten worse, too. Not in our home but deep within me, within us. WELP. Here’s the thing we’re learning about grief firsthand, with Ted’s panic and anxiety and with my hidden-to-the-world anger, grief is still triggered and we react, just maybe not in the way we should or that’s healthy. It’s still ever-present.

This weekend and again this week we decided to brave it, and went through things that evoked a lot of emotions.

I heard this said dialogue on This Is Us (one of those things I couldn’t actually watch until recently, because talk about evoking emotions ;)) where one character is speaking with another and says, “I’m sorry you lost your father.” The other guys quickly states, “Oh yeah.. it was a long time ago. To which the main guy responded:  “It’s a funny thing, time. Someone was just sharing a story with me and it reminded me of my own kids for a moment: their messy hair, matching jammies, all of it. I swear I could reach out and touch them. …In my experience there is no such thing as “a long time ago”. There are only memories that mean something and those that don’t.”

As cheesy as it seems, this really hit home with me. It’s been 7.5 year since we lost her and I really feel like both guys (what is wrong with me ;)) distant yet I know deep down this is true: there’s no such thing as a long time ago, especially with grief. I’ve decided not in a 3 steps to grieve healthily but more along the lines of being gracious with ourselves and that as we’re feeling things, let’s try to roll with them.

This year, I’m committing to slowly “unboxing” and sifting through it all and feeling what needs to be felt when the waves of grief hit. It’s a crazy world because truth be told even though we’ve walked through losing a child, I have close to no idea what to say or to do for others grieving. And I almost don’t want to ask because each walk is different and grief is rather… messy, but maybe there’s someone out there who has found something that helps and you could message me or even write here for others. I told Ted to snap this photo, I knew it may get me a lot of flack, I don’t really care (well maybe a little #peoplepleaser) because here’s the thing I do know about grief. Feeling alone while grieving is indescribably painful. It’s why I sometimes share my own very personal (but not all the beans, let me tell you) journey.

Maybe, like me, you’ve maintained a constant state of busy because you feel if you actually sit, rest, “de-clutter”… the pain will overcome you. I feel this way too. But what if instead we let it do just that, let it overcome us and we FEEL, for once, the unavoidable that we’ve actually been feeling and living with all along. And what if we find healing – not in the “time heals all wounds” kind of healing we’ve probably heard a million times, but deep healing that helps us to learn to carry them like the e.e. cummings quote “I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart): grieving them, loving them forever and “carrying” them with us, remembering them, in a healthier way.

Two things I know, we will always ache and we will always have hope.


One thing I’ve learned as a parent is to hold expectations with open hands. To go into holidays/seasons knowing yes there are traditions I/we love but also recognizing it won’t always be as pictured.

And that it’s really okay if we aren’t able to do XYZ.

Soaking up and enjoying what we can in this season and letting go of all the rest.

So just in case you thought these images look dreamy, it was super fun – but it’s also more than a week later than we were supposed to do it.

The Davis fam puts an unintentional emphasis on the SLOW and Sacred. 😆

thrill of hope the weary world rejoices…"

DIY Chemical Free Perfume

FRIENDS… I downloaded the app Think Dirty in September and it’s changing my life. You can see how many toxins are in things you use daily – it’s mind blowing. I’m slowly but surely replacing all the chemical laden junk with toxin free things. And I decided to share what I do for perfume now! (Seriously, go download the app and check out what’s in the things you use on your body daily!)

*I’ll start off by saying – this perfume isn’t as strong as normal perfume but my lungs and body are thanking me!*

What you need:

  1. 5-10 minutes
  2. 1 ounce (2TBS) Witch Hazel
  3. 1.5 ounces (3 TB) Filtered water
  4. 20-40 drops Essential oil of your choice (but definitely Young Living as they are the only essential oils company which is 100% pure seedtoseal.com)
  5. 2 ounce Glass bottles (I bought mine here on Amazon)

First, add 3 tablespoons (1.5 ounces) of filtered water. Use a funnel if you have one – I didn’t 😆

add 2 tablespoons (1 ounce) of witch Hazel.

0-40 drops of EO. I added 40 of Stressaway. It's one of my favourite oils EVER. It's smells incredible – a blend of Copaiba, Lime, Vanilla, Cedarwood, Ocotea and Lavender. It is a calming, uplifting oil. I also made my husband a Valor spray. ❤️

Let it mix with the water and Witch Hazel then use! ❤️ I tip mine upside down for a quick mix every time before I spray it.

I’m also offering a deal for the first two folks who sign up with me in December – $25 off a Premium Starter Kit – which includes this stressaway oils plus 10 more and an awesome diffuser! Let me know if you’d like to grab this deal! ❤️ TIP: ask for it for Christmas!!

You also join an awesome community who are also seeking after toxin free living! Sharing tips and uses and DIYs for the oils in this kit. You won’t be left alone wondering how to use these amazing little bottles!


Oh, Ever. To be honest, I struggled battling with these preconceived ideas of what it would be like to have a daughter versus who she is. Which sounds horrible I know (You don’t think you have ideas of what if looks like to be a mom, have a daughter or son, but you do). she has been our most difficult, most brave, boldest, (embarrassingly/hilariously) honest child thus far. I never imagined that and I’ll tell you, I wouldn’t trade any of who she is for anything I ever imagined. look at that face (below) She is spirited, so full of life. She’s incredibly confident and bold in who she is. While she’s brave and isn’t afraid of dirt, scratches or bugs (though she’ll smash the heck out of spiders 🙌🏼) she’s also almost always in a dress and usually a pink, sparkly one at that.

This girl. I wanna be Everly Selah when I grow up – man, if I just had an OUNCE of her confidence…

DIY Diffuser Bracelet

Heyyyyy there!! Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve done a DIY on here. It’s funny to think back to when this was mostly DIY blog. Feels like a lifetime ago. But I’m aching to have this creative outlet again. So here we are!So let’s make some (suuuuper easy) awesome bracelets. First, what’s the heck is a diffuser bracelet? It’s a bracelet that diffuses an essential oil (of your choice). How? The lava stone absorbs the oil and you benefit from aromatherapy throughout your day!Supplies:

Beads, lava stones  (diffuser bead), Stretch Magic (or other jewelry making stretch cord), Young Living Essential Oil of your choice (need some? I can get you some, message me!), spacer beads (optional), and scissors.The DIY: 

Measure cord around your wrist, cut and tie two knots on one end.

Add beads, and I also added little spacer reads (optional) because we had some here at home and I like the look. Tie a few finishing knots.

 Add Young Living Essential Oils*  – you could either add a drop directly to the lava stone (on 2-3 beads is plenty!) or use a cotton swab or a Q-tip to avoid oils from dripping off beads. *Be sure to dilute oils if needed (you can use a carrier oil such as fractioned coconut oil).

Chase put Valor and Stress Away on his. He struggles when he’s in a large group of people, so on school days especially he wears this and smell Valor whenever he needs too. Shailo wanted Valor on his as well :) I also added Stress Away to maaaaybe help him calm down just a tad. 

Everly and mommas <3 

I added Stress Away to mine and LOVE it. But you can add whatever one you’d like!

So simple right? I was worried about them breaking into a million pieces with them being so stretchy and such, but they haven’t yet and my kids each wear one to school so… enough said! ❤️

Happy FRIYAY (as the cool kids say)!

Also, speaking of DIFFUSERS… Young Living has an awesome deal that ends today. Check it out:

Find me @colourherhopeessentials for more details and great ideas!

I want to see you rightly, Jesus.

“You’re never gunna let, never gunna let me down.” (Repeat 10,000x) My kids LOVE this song. Sing and scream that line on repeat. Truth be told I hated that line specifically. The one they loved, I hated. I couldn’t even sing it most of the time. I didn’t believe it. I believed God let us down. And my fear of man has held me back from sharing this, like ever. I grew up in the church, worked with a mission organized (just started again actually but that’s for another time), teach my kids about Jesus, etc yet… here I was…

On social media or even in church with our quick hello goodbyes… it’s easy to make life, and faith, look easy. Non-messy, beautiful, even perfect sometimes. I know for a fact I haven’t portrayed a part of my personal walk as it is off camera or in home. I think I’ve tried in little ways, here and there. But the truth is my faith…it’s been a struggle and a fight. A total heart-wrenching, ugly process that last few years.

But here’s the thing I’m learning…I stuck things onto Jesus that weren’t him: deep wounds from people proclaiming Christ, ideas that’s were taught to me about His character/nature (my husband has totally and completely opened my eyes to who God is, not just in how he lives but because Ted longed to know who He was/is beyond what we’ve been told/taught), beliefs I took on during losses and heartaches, etc.

I started to realize I wasn’t walking away from Christ, just maybe what we’ve made Christianity out to be.

This exact week 7 years ago, our daughter took her final breath and met Jesus. I was nearly 7 months pregnant, had the kind of faith that moved mountains. Believed with everything in my being that she would be okay. Yet she died. To top it off, it took me 3 awful days to birth her. We came home empty handed, broken and also broke financially. So to top it off again, we couldn’t afford to burry her body. She was cremated – which is literally the worst thing I could think of at the time. (Honestly, I still hate it. I want a place I can go and take her flowers.) There was no new life, there was no abundance of any sort, we barely had people (besides family) honestly. It was the loneliest time. The ground for many of my doubts, unbeliefs and wounds to breed.

Every single thing I had been taught or had learned, from the cliche Christian terms to the theologically unsound, shattering at my feet beneath me. And there I truly, truly met Jesus. Not the Jesus I’d been taught of in church, not the Jesus christians had showed me, not the Jesus who “gives and takes away” … He was Jesus who was entirely and completely grieved with us. He was broken hearted for us. HE was let down for us.

This is Jesus, friends. Meeting us here in our sorrow, our grief, our pain. Maybe he didn’t heal you or a loved one but you saw on Facebook recently that He gave so and so a parking space, or a cruise (insert biggest yet kindest eye roll you ever did see 😉)…

I heard this line in a song recently “I want to see you rightly, Jesus.” And I can’t shake it. I mean think about that. Where are we seeing Him wrongly, friends?

Help us to see you rightly, Jesus. You’re our Good and Faithful Friend and Father. The one who doesn’t cause our dark valleys and deep waters but walks beside us in the midst of whatever “it” may be. Your grace and mercy and unfailing Love carrying us through. Help us to see you rightly, Jesus. I’m weary of seeing you wrongly and choosing a path of unbelief, of death and destruction when you’ve given your life and called us to new life.

ant to see you rightly, Jesus. In places I believed wrongly, was taught wrongly, held onto wrongly… Jesus, I want to see you as you are. // (I've been up the last 5 nights at the exact same time – I wake ted to take his medication so it doesn't throw him off in the morning. Nurse Atlas and then.. my mind won't shut off. Tonight I've written more than I have in years. You're just getting a portion, your lucky 😬).

At the table of brokenness by Ted

Ted recently shared publicly what has been going on within him. I personally hadn’t felt I should share details unless he wanted to himself. And I was shocked when he shared publicly but felt it was so profound in his journey too. Letting people in. Please read.

At the table of brokenness By Ted.

Opening scene: Sitting on the couch mindlessly looking through Facebook when all of the sudden this unexplainable feeling of terror hits. These are the last moments of what I have called life thus far. I took in a deep breath then slowly released it hoping to feel life come back to me. With closed eyes I tell myself “it’s going to be ok”. Jami looks over and asks, “Is it happening again?” I manage to get out a yes before I stand. I clasp my hands over my ears and close my eyes. Moments later I am crying in the shower wondering if this will ever end. Scene fades out…

I have always desired to get the most out of life. Even in my “darkest days” I have always dreamed of what was to come. Imaging a life in which my family and I are taking in all that our Creator has created. You could say that most of my life I have had my head in the clouds. Not out of touch with reality (though some may disagree and they may be right…. to some extent) but trying to follow that deep instinct in me that says “No!” to the status quo (I know I’m so original…. some may even say hipster).

This has been my daily existence that is until it happened.

A few months ago I was sitting in my cubicle at work (I work in a call center) and something weird began to happen. I felt some pain in my chest and realized that I was dying. MY whole body tingled and I knew that this must be the euphoric feeling that people feel before passing from this life into the next stage. As I worked with a customer on the phone to close a debit card I was slowly dying and trying to process that my last moments would be in a florescent filled room occupied by others doing the same as me, helping customers with their banking needs. As soon as the call ending I jumped up walked quickly (not to quickly because I didn’t want to cause a scene…I mean that would be embarrassing…right?) to my supervisor’s office and told him that I felt like I was going to pass out. I was to embarrassed to let him in on the fact that I knew I was dying.

An hour later I was at home with a doctors appointment to talk to the doctor about high blood pressure. That was the only conclusion that the EMTs could come up with. So off I went to see the doctor and they got me on meds and all was good.

Fast forward to around a month ago. It was another normal day at the office and again I was on the phone helping someone with their account when all of the sudden I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I knew that one of the valves of my heart had burst and I was bleeding out inside. I began to feel a chill and that euphoric feel that people experience before going into the light. The room began to get dark and my mind raced with fear and regret. I somehow kept myself composed finished the call and walk to my supervisors office and let them know that something is not right. Again the ambulance came and they checked everything they could but all seemed well. I was humiliated…especially since it was the same people who had seen me last time.

Obviously this warranted another doctors appointment. During that meeting the doctor said that she thinks I have anxiety. Honestly I didn’t really believer her but I went with it. She gave me some meds and said we would start there.

The scene I started with above happened moments ago. I have experienced that last moments of my life everyday since the second episode at work…sometimes multiple times in a day. That feeling of terror has been a looming reality that has haunted me. It doesn’t matter where I am or what is going on it just comes. It breaks into a moment like an intruder who is coming for nothing else except to pillage and destroy.

Now I have come to know that these moments are called Panic attacks. The word panic comes from the Greek god Pan. Pan was a terrifying presence. They say his voice terrified the hearts of men. Interestingly Pan is one of the few Greek gods who died. They say his death occurred during the life of Jesus. Pan has also been an inspiration for the images we see of the devil. Horns on head the torso of a man and hoof like feet. GK Chesterton suggested that the death of Pan (Mythology) made way for Theology.

Sorry I got side tracked…

In the midst of all this I have felt lost. I don’t mean a fleeting emotional twinge but a dark feeling of being disconnected. I have wondered what is the purpose of even dreaming? I feel that the lens I view life through has a large crack and the reflected light that comes back is distorted.

I know logically that this is not reality. My counselor said we are interconnected beings who are complex. We are spirit, mind, and body and there is not a simple fix but a wholistic healing (now I know some of you may think I am speaking some weird “new age” verbiage but don’t worry more than ever I am connected to the truth of Jesus). These panic attacks did not just arrive like an uninvited guest but have been lurking in the back ground for many years.

I am writing this know because I have realized something. I live most of my life in my head as we all do; however my head is filled with fear. Most of my life has been lived with fear. As a child I was terrified of things and insecure. I embraced a lifestyle of Anger and drugs. I felt some sense of power through it all. Even after I found Jesus this continued in different ways. I found ways of coping with the fear by chasing after different expression of my faith. However if I am honest deep down I was still that scared child repeating to myself that I am brave enough to get through another day.

As a 32 year old man I now admit I am scared. I am lost. I am lonely. I am…broken.

I believe this broken place, the truest sense of broken humanity is where Jesus will dine with me. At the dinner table of brokenness is where I can truly be found and place where my wild soul will come out and drink of the water that truly satisfies. This is my hope. I also realize that this dinner table has more than two chairs. The table is also set for others. There is space for friends, family, and any others who care to dine.

This is why I write this post (as scattered as it may be). This is an invitation. I know I need you. The ecclesiastical community where the salt and light can be found is where I want to be found, the place where life is shared and discovered together not just lived out in our minds. I don’t expect people to enter into my brokenness but I expect myself to share my real self with you. Here I go.

Jami here now. If you have struggled with similar things as he has shared here, please let me know what has worked for you. We have changed his diet and we are pursuing other ways to help (I can share those personally if you’re interested or have wisdom).

We have also pulled him from his job (he did give his work notice of course). Which I know sounds insane… I mean, we have 4 kids. I totally get it and that definitely weighs on us, but honestly I have watched him digress for weeks and this was the best decision.

Before these attacks began, we had begun to pursue working in ministry again. We felt God giving us abundantly clear direction for our family. We have actually been in the process of re-joining a ministry since April (sharing more on this soon!) So we had planned by August to into YWAM working with Business As Mission full time but these attacks have put this on hold for us.

We actually feel a component of this is spiritual. Not all, but definitely some. We feel, like he shared, isn’t all new for him… the panic is.

The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I’ve come that they may have life, and have it abundantly. John 10:10

I have had enough of the damn schemes of the enemy. We are saying no more and fighting however possible to find healing and peace for Ted and our family.

Please pray for our fam in this time? I was talking with a friend recently and she made a good point, this isn’t a “quick fix” thing.

It will take time. And it will need extra doses of peace and grace and strength in this time. But like Ted shared… we need people. Will you please be praying? Sending wisdom our way would be great too.

Thank you to all who’ve already walked along this with us/Ted and those just joining in now in reading this post now.


A couple of years ago l realized just how insanely busy our lives were and how fast time was flying by yet we weren't really able to enjoy it because, well, here comes the next thing. It was never intentional and I guess I felt like it was inline with what we were "supposed" to do as parents: school, sports, extra curricular stuff, all the church things, … but for us it felt like we were just managing a constant state of busy.

I feel like how we have lived and also, I unfortunately haven't been graceful in grief stuff. It is messy, and man, we've put the kids through a lot. We unintentionally urged our kids, Chase especially, to grow up a lot faster than they should have.

Anyway, we can't wallow or sulk or wish those days/moments back but we can change the future and what it looks like.

This year I felt we needed to been more intentional with our time. So I determined to slow it down for all of them. For us, a part of this looks a lot like just letting them be kids. WILD + FREE.
And that doesn't mean unruly, or disrespectful, it simply means allowing them to be free to BE children: to dream, explore, believe the biggest dreams, and play, play, play.

To soak in the wonder and "magic" of childhood. To do things they long to do. Most of them are simple things like nature walks, making up new games, building forts and getting muddy. Having time to listen to or reading chapter books, etc.

And to be honest, 8 months in and I don't feel like we've missed out on much while we have let go of a lot.

I'm learning along the way, letting them just be little – while they're little – is truly enough.

Because we all know how quickly it passes us by, right? What's a favourite childhood memory you have? Is there anything on your plate currently that you can let go to bring more peace to you/yours?

(Shailo peeled and cut cucumber for our snack)

Each person and family is wired oh-so-differently. Maybe busy is where it's at for you, or maybe like us you feel "less is more". Maybe it's to be taken season by season. Maybe you don't get an option sometimes – I feel like that currently when it comes to other areas in our life – sometimes life is just a B-word. BUSY. (There is another word that seems fitting here right now too but I try to keep my blog PG 😉).

Whatever "it" looks like for you, find your thing that brings you peace and never let that go.

“So I let go and in this moment I can breathe.”

“It is the calm waterIn the middle of an anxious sea.Where heavy clouds part and the sunrise starts. A fire in the deepest part of me. {So I let go and in this moment, I can breathe.}” 

– lyrics from Joy by Sleeping At Last

I’ve felt a heaviness (not just physically 😉) lately. One I haven’t felt in quite a while. The kind that lingers- trying to settle in and find a home inside of me. It feels an awful like the depression I’ve known in the past and while I know I’m “genetically predisposed” – I don’t want it and all it comes with. “I don’t want to carry it with me anymore.” I’d like to hope it’s just the baby blue and that it’s “just a funk”, but even then I {really} hate it. 

Today, I dropped the boys off at school, and made a choice to get out.

To move. 
To breathe in fresh air and feel the sunshine. 

Everly, Atlas and I ventured out to a park and then Garden of the Gods (per Ev’s request). When I wandered through the amazing rock formations I felt reminded of the Creator, who knows the depths of who we are. 

Who is with us always, sees us, calls us worthy, even when our faulty wiring tries to convince us otherwise.  I’m reminded of this joy – not happiness – deep within me. 

“So I let go and in this moment, I can breathe.”


Happy birthday to the best man I know! 

Yesterday this amazing guy mentioned he keeps two sticky notes on his computer at his desk (he works at a credit union as an MSR) to help him during a day. I asked what they are and he shared one says ‘Prequel’ to remind him that everyone has a story before they met/spoke to him, reminding him to be gracious and loving despite how they are when they speak to him. And the other is ‘RUA’ (Are You Awake) which reminds him to find God in the now, to remind him we are always connected to God. I just again was struck with how incredible and deep this man is!  I’m so thankful he was born 32 years ago today, that Jesus captured his troubled 16-year-old heart (in a juvenile detention center) and changed the course of his life drastically (you should ask him his story – it’s incredible!), that we met and I’ve now had 11 years of celebrating his life! I love how passionately and deeply he lives every day (even at work).

 Happy birthday Ted!! We love you!