i wasn’t prepared.

Disclaimer; this post is really raw.

I wasn’t prepared to lose Eisley. You might argue that the time I had in the hospital might have prepared me, but honestly, all the time in the world couldn’t prepare you to lose a child. Nothing could, because even if you guard your heart sometimes and try to prepare, you still hope fervently and with {everything} inside you. You could never prepare, ever.

I wasn’t prepared for the {infinite} shattered dreams.

I wasn’t prepared for the constant shattering and the effect thereof.

I wasn’t prepare for how it feels when you lose someone you love so deeply.

I wasn’t prepared for how often grief is revisited. How quickly it surfaces when I read or see or hear things that reminds me of Eisley.

I wasn’t prepared for the insensitivity towards us.

I wasn’t prepared for the lack of response/encouragement to our loss of Eisley from ones we once called friends. Or even those who knew of what we walked through and never once said a word to us.

The flip side- We are so grateful for the friendships we’ve made and those that have deepened since we lost her. We are so grateful for the encouragement, love, care and letting us know that you are standing with us. That means the world to us right now. More than I can express.

I wasn’t prepared for those, even those who are pro-life, who never considered our loss a loss. I was 3 days away from 7 months pregnant. Our beautiful baby girl was a life lost, a beating heart gone. I wasn’t prepared for how people would treat us as though we never lost a child.

I wasn’t prepared for how quickly people think we should be moving forward.

I wasn’t prepared for how comforting and encouraging I find words like; “I haven’t forgotten Eisley or you guys”, “you are not forgotten”,  anything I hear about Eisley’s life and her impact on others, etc. The messages, comments, texts, calls… whew. They comfort our hearts a lot.

I wasn’t prepared for the deep ache I’d feel when watching others do the very thing I longed to do with her. The very things I had talked about, hope for, dreamt of, etc.

I wasn’t prepared for feeling so wounded.

I wasn’t prepared for the array of emotions or sudden force of them.

I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming realizations that hit frequently.

I wasn’t prepared for so much more.

I sometimes lie in bed feeling so overwhelmed I don’t know what to do, I just weep into my pillow and even that sometimes isn’t enough…

The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:18

I also love this version too;

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.

I am sitting here crying as I write this. We will not be overcome because it’s not by our strength that we’re getting through this. I believe that with my whole heart.

Jesus, give us the courage to face what we do everyday. As we face our reality. Please give us courage and be our everything for we cannot.

Edit: Please understand I know that (esp if you’re reading this) you’ve probably been one who has been there for us throughout everything. I am so very grateful for your love, encouragement , etc, etc! The above just sometimes overwhelms me more than it should and I focus on the negative too much sometimes.

42 thoughts on “i wasn’t prepared.

  1. Susie says:

    I have only been reading your blog a very short time and I had no idea, but this is so true for those of us who have lost a child before birth. People don’t understand. I think they don’t know how to react, it’s as if they believe if they act as if it was nothing, we will somehow feel better. I am so sorry for your loss. Your little Eisley was your daughter, every bit as much as if you had brought her home. In some ways, it’s harder, I think, because people expect you to just move on and don’t allow you to grieve the same way.
    Hugs. <3


  2. Esther says:

    I just want you to know that I only know you through your blog but I think of you often. I pray that you find healing and that God will continue to carry you through this.


  3. Justine says:

    None of us will ever know what you are going through.. but even the people who you feel hurt by may still love you deeply and just don’t understand. They may want you to stop hurting because they LOVE YOU.. not because the didn’t love Eisley. People want YOU to have peace and joy – what they don’t realize is that they are not helping you at all. But don’t mistake people’s lack of understanding for lack of love. You are SOOO loved Jami.. And Eisley is too! You both are often in my thoughts and always in my <3


  4. Sabra says:

    I only found your blog the other day, and I stayed up all that night reading back through as far as I could, crying all the way. Lots of people, all over the place, are thinking of you and Eisley. And praying for strength and peace for you and your sweet family. Thank you for sharing.


  5. Amber says:

    You are right…there is no amount of time that can prepare you. The time in the hospital was not enough…we had 20 weeks to “prepare”, and even that was not sufficient. So glad you are clinging to the Lord. Praying that His strong and mighty arms will embrace you and carry the weight of your burdens for you. Though His plan is not ours…I know He is and will continue doing amazing things with Eisley’s sweet life that we cannot begin to imagine :)


  6. Jo says:

    This is my first time to your blog…I’m so sorry for your loss…never apologize for your feelings..it has been 21 yrs since I lost my child before birth..you are in my thoughts


  7. Aurie Jenkins says:

    I found your blog by searching for ideas and one of yours popped up. I love your ideas by the way, so creative, and then I read you story of your daughter and I cried. i am so sorry that you had to go through such a devistating loss. You lost your baby, your daughter and your angel, no matter how old she was she was still your baby and that can never be easy. I will keep you in my prayers and pray for your comfort. Because of my faith I KNOW that you will see your daughter again and that you will get to raise her and be the mother for her that you always want to be. Good luck with your grief and god bless you for your strength and your honesty.


  8. Lacey says:

    I found your blog while searching for paper heart tutorials. I read through some of your posts and now my heart is aching for you. But, I find relief in knowing we serve a sovereign God, one of endless love and one who will set the captives free. I believe you when you say you weren’t prepared, and you’re right – who could be… you have suffered a real loss, your daughter, your baby, your own flesh and blood. Others may not know how to relate or what to say, forgive them for this. I know that you will not be forsaken, you will not be forgotten – our Lord will watch you and take care of you, until you meet the saviour and your baby Eisley again. I hope you continue to feel God’s sovereignty and feel a peace that transcends understanding. My love to you and your family.


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