‘Glory Baby’
Years ago when we lived in Wisconsin, my mom would drive me to school and would play Watermark- her favourite band at the time. I probably know every song word for word, and guess what?… I know their song ‘Glory Baby’ word for word. I haven’t thought about the song for years and until now, I could never relate or understand the deep sorrow and pain that went into writing these lyrics. Our Eisley is a “glory baby” and this song speaks to my heart so deeply now. And to think years ago I first heard this song… I don’t know what He is doing and sometimes I question Him a lot and as I grieve, I try to understand… but I do know that He is comforting me and bringing me peace in the most amazing ways. He is showing me He is with me as I grieve.
‘Glory Baby’ by Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
One week; wishing time would stand still.
It has been one week since we first held our sweet Eisley and had to say our earthly goodbye. I wrote in my journal of how I wish time would stand still. Time is moving forward a lot faster than my heart is healing. I close my eyes and imagine myself holding her for the first time again. Remembering how in awe I was at her tiny hand between my thumb and finger. I can still picture her tiny little Chase-like nose and her beautiful mouth shape and lips. Her tiny soft toes… everything so perfect.
After she passed away Tuesday and we decided to be induced, they told us that is could take a while for my body to deliver, because it just wasn’t time. They told us that there will be changes her body will make immediately and they prepared us for what we might see. They told us that her skin would be lose and could even be falling off and that her features will have changed. I immediately wondered if we should just do the c-section so things would be over quickly. But they reminded me to think about future pregnancies and also the healing process which would be incredibly difficult on top of the loss of our daughter. I couldn’t even believe I had to face these questions right away and to think about being pregnant again… hours after losing her… it was the most difficult thing.
The 3 decisions to choose from for delivery were; one, a c-section. two, induced labor. Or three, go home and wait for my body to naturally go into labor. I knew immediatley 3 was out of the picture. It had only been 2 hours of knowing she had passed and I ached knowing that she was inside of me, but she was no longer alive. No way could I go weeks of waiting for my body to deliver her. And they also told us that Eisley would have a lot of changes during that time. I couldn’t bare the thought of what we might see weeks later.
We choose to be induced. It took 3 days (72 hours) for my body to deliver her naturally but we don’t regret the decision. We we’re able to see our daughter and she wasn’t anything like they had told us.
When I delivered her (which someday I will share about the actually delivery part and maybe soon) I was terrified to look at her. I actually asked them to clean her and dress her before I saw her, because I was so afraid of what I would see. Ted later told me, he was afraid too.
The nurse I had at the time I delivered her said, “Oh Jami, she is so beautiful.” She paused and I wondered if she just had to say that. “She is so beautiful. I was afraid of what we would see since she passed away 3 days ago… but she is perfect.” I just looked at Ted’s expression as he looked down at our daughter and realized, our nurse was right. Ted’s face said it all. She was perfect.
Even no matter what she would have looked like, she would have been perfect to us. Although, I am extremly thankful that it didn’t end up being what they had told us. Thank you God.
One thing that helps me are the photos Ted took of our little Eisley. It felt so strange to pull out the camera in a time like that, but we knew we would want photos of our daughter because our memory may fail us, although I pray we will never forget.
(I may never share all of the photos, just some for now….)
Ted and I both wish we could have had more time with her, but we agreed that any amount of time with her, wouldn’t have been enough. We were only able to keep her with us for a few hours after her delivery because of the changes her body would go through outside the womb. I’ve already shared, but the time we did have with her were that of peace. We felt complete peace as we held our little Eisley and we knew it was right that she was with Him.
We didn’t get a lot of time with her on earth, but I do believe that I will see her again and I will spend eternity with her. Right now she’s hanging out with Jesus and He’s telling her how much she was and is loved by us and by Him. A friend gave me a photo last night that made her think of Eisley. It is incredible.
It makes the ache inside a little easier when I think of her in heaven. Healed and whole. In the arms of Jesus, who’s showing her the universe.
‘I Will Carry You’
I am in awe and I had to share just how incredible our God is. I must share.
(You’ve may or may not have heard this part of our journey before…) Months ago I was on my way home from running errands. I heard this story on the radio that touched my heart deeply and caused me to have a much needed conversation with my God. That very evening I felt that God was preparing my heart for something big. I came home and told Ted about this conversation with God and what I felt. I even wrote it on my facebook that very evening.
I wrote a blog in greater detail about that day here. Please read it because it pieces all of this together in the most beautiful, awesome way.
Yesterday, I recieved a package from a friend, of books she ordered from Amazon for me. She bought me 3 books, one titled ‘I Will Carry You’. I briefly looked over them but sat them down because since I’ve come home, nothing has satisfied me for very long. Hours later after I went from trying to surf the web to trying to watch tv to trying to journal what I am feeling to trying to eat, etc. Nothing has been able to distract me from my pain, so I just didn’t even try to read one of the books.
Hours later, I finally decided to read the summary of the books. ‘I Will Carry You’ immediately captured my attention. I realized it was a story of a family who walked through the tragedy of losing their daughter and even despite knowing how hard it would be to read it, I began. Soon, I was as page 25 and realized in complete awe, I knew their story. This was the exact couple I had heard on the radio that evening as I headed home from errands. It was the exact couple whose incredible faith and trust drew me into hearing their story. It was the story that led me to talking with God and the very night he spoke to me about preparing my heart for something big.
I began crying as I told Ted about this miraculous and amazing thing. Iam still in awe. I mean, this was the story I had hear prior to beginning this journey and walk with my sweet Eisley. It was God preparing me, it really was. And now here I am with the very story that spoke to my heart, in my hands and not long after our tragedy.
This is God. This is my no means a coincidence. (I even wrote my friend and asked her if she knew when she bought the book. She didn’t have any idea.)
And just as I was beginning to feel like He’d left me, He does this, like He’s gently reminding me, “I’m still here, Jami”.
I’m already pretty far in the book and I told Ted I feel like someone reached deep inside my heart and mind and put it in a book. It’s so similar and how she describes how she felt during appointments and throughout the entire procress, made my heart ache in a very familar way. I will write more as I read it, but for now I just had to share how incredibly AWEsome our God is.
post edit; a friend just sent me this song the couple had written for their daughter. It touches my heart so deeply.
I will remember, I will grieve.
The very moment they put Eisley in my arms, after they cleaned and dressed her, I felt a peace wash over me. For the first time in my life I felt the “peace that passes understanding”. I looked at my beautiful baby girl and just knew… it was right that she was with Him. It wasn’t because she looked ill or sick… she didn’t, in fact, to the naked human eye, she was perfect. Her hands, her fingers, her tiny finger nails, her feet, her toes, her little nose that looked like Chase’s and her lips that were shaped like mine but big like her daddy’s.
She was perfect. But I knew, she was meant to be with Him.
I can’t really explain it, but yesterday from the moment that I first held her to our final earthly goodbyes, I felt peace. She is whole and healthy with Him. She rests between His shoulders. She isn’t suffering, she isn’t fighting. It is what is best for her.
I thought her being here with us would be best for her and now I know it wasn’t.
Like so many people, I felt like Eisley was going to make it. I truly felt, deep inside, she was going to win this battle for her life. I did. I don’t have answers, and right now, I don’t feel like I need an answer. Right now, I just know, it is right that she is with Him but we are grieving that she isn’t with us.
Someday, maybe soon, I may question this. Right now, I feel the utmost peace, the kind which passes my understanding. The kind that says, this is truly difficult and I am filled with sorrow, but God I trust You and will rest in that.
The day I found out Eisley’s heart stopped beating, that her fight was done… I didn’t feel peace. I can’t really say what exactly I felt.
Today,I ache. I ache deep inside. When I cry, I keep literally reaching for my heart just wanting the pain that’s deep inside to just calm. The ache that feels almost physical, to stop.
I grieve as I sit here with this stillness in my womb. Silence. My body no longer holds my precious Eisley. She is no longer here with me on earth.
We are filled with grief and stricken with sorrow, we will be for months and years to come. I will always ache when September 14th rolls around each year, the day her little heart stopped fighting. I will still remember September 17th, the day of her birth, as bittersweet. I will still cry and wonder what life would be like with her when her due date, December 17th comes each year.
But even more than just those 3 dates, I will mourn and grieve maybe every day from here on out for a while. That’s okay and I know that.
But I will also remember.
On April 26 I will remember with joy, the day that I found out we were pregnant with our little surprise baby. I will still remember rejoicing on August 8th at our ‘Pink or Blue party’ where we found our we were having a girl, our precious Eisley. I will remember feeling her little kicks and hiccups deep inside.I will remember the very first time I felt her kick from the outside, at the very same time her daddy felt too. I will remember the ultrasounds where we watched her suck her thumb and stick her tongue out. I will remember the heart monitoring and hearing her swift heart beat, beat, beat to let me know she was okay. I will remember the night before she passed, when she reacted to her daddy’s voice as he talked to my belly. I will remember her final kicks to me the morning she passed away, like she was saying goodbye to me. I will remember the day we finally gave birth to her, September 17th- the perfect delivery of our beautiful baby girl and the peace that washed over Ted and I when we held her. I will remember how perfect her little nose, mouth, ears, toes, feet, fingers… how perfect and beautiful she was.
Our Eisley is with Him, which is really comforting, but we still ache and we will. We feel the loss of our daughter so strong right now.
And we will never, ever forget Eisley and her journey, her strength and the the legacy she left behind before even entering the world. We will never forget what we have learned as we were allowed to be her parents. She was a miracle baby is now safely in the arms of her Heavenly Daddy.
We will remember and we will grieve, but we will someday she her again.
Arrival.
Eisley Antalya Davis
Born September 17, 2010
2:10 pm
12.5 ounces & 10.5 inches long
She was so strong in her battle to survive. She was stunning, beautiful and perfect. And now she is whole and healthy in His arms.
We love you Eisley. You are our sunshine. Our little joy. Your little legacy and journey has changed how we view life now and has inspired us to live better lives and to be better people.
You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace, my sweet Eisley.
Eisley rests between His shoulders.
Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the ones the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. Deuteronomy 33:12
I wanted to try to write a little while I feel the strength, because I know after today, I will not feel up to it. I won’t go into great detail of everything leading up to today because it’s too hard, but here is what is going on.
Eisley went to be with her father in heaven Tuesday morning. I was 26 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I was induced Tuesday evening at 10 pm and have been in labor ever since. We are very slowly progressing, but this morning my cervix has dropped and thinned out. Around 8 am I was given an epidural and they started a pitocin drip in order to start speeding things up.
I had a c-section delivery with Chase only 14 months ago, so they have to take things slowly on my body, so not to tear my scar. Please pray for everything to go smoothly from here on out.
We are about to go through the hardest part, meeting Eisley to say goodbye. Please pray for us. I am terrified and can’t even really comprehend everything that has happened and that is about to. We are also making funeral arrangements and making decisions like that, which is incredibly hard.
Eisley rests between His shoulders now. She is no longer fighting. She is whole and perfect with Him.
Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement.
Big changes ahead!
We had our appointment with the fetal medicine specialist today. Eisley’s amniotic fluid is measuring at 8.61 which is better than a week ago. The blood flow from the placenta to Eisley is still showing absent diastolic flow so we need to keep praying for that to change. Next Tuesday she will have another weight measurement (they do it every two weeks).
There are some very big changes coming up soon. I am currently 26 weeks and 3 days and they’ve been waiting for me to reach 28 weeks to make some changes. Starting next Tuesday, they will begin giving me steroid shots which should help her lung development and prep for a possible delivery. They will also give me an IV with magnesium sulfate which will help her neurological developement.
As for “when will they deliver?” that is still up in the air and depends on so many things. Until I transfer, we will not know. They may decide to deliver because of her small chances inside the womb or they may have me wait it out, week by week. I think we will know more when we move.
The reason for the transfer is that the NICU at the University Hospital in Aurora can handle babies under 2 lbs and they are better trained to take care of the smaller babies.
Here are some specific prayer requests;
- Eisley to grow and be nourished until she must be born.
- A smooth transfer to the new hospital.
- That God would guide my new doctors, nurses and specialist in when to deliver, etc.
- That my body would react well to the magnesium sulfate. Dr. Daye told me that most of the time the mother is uncomfortable, hot and weak.
- I will be further away from my family and friends and will be getting new doctors/nurses/specialists, which will be hard.
I am encouraged that we will soon be taking more steps than just “waiting it out”! She is doing well considering everything she is going through. Please keep praying for a miracle… it’s already a miracle that she has made it this far, but I long to meet her and watch her grow up too. Please intercede for our daughter!
Still they grow.
Yes, leave it with Him,
The lillies all do,
And they grow;
They grow in the rain.
And they grow in the dew.
Yes, they grow;
They grow in the darkness, all hid in the night.
They grow in the sunshine, reaveled by the light.
Still they grow.
Yes, leave it with Him.
‘Tis more dear to His heart,
You will know, than the lillies that bloom,
Or the flowers that start ‘neath the snow.
Whatever you need, if you seek it in prayer,
You can leave it with Him- for you are in His care.
You, you know.
Streams in the Desert
It’s hard to express how much my heart, my mind and my life has changed- in the past 13 weeks since this all began or even in the past 20 days in the hospital. Things inside of me that have been asleep for so long, are now long awakened. My trust in Him is the most it has ever been, even amidst one of the hardest things I’ve ever walked through. This doesn’t mean I am unafraid or that I still wonder what He has in store for Eisley, I am and I do. It’s hard to explain, but I just have this intense trust in Him despite what may or may not happen. If you know me , or have followed my blog throughout the years, you know that my trust in Him is a constant battle, so this is huge.
I often wonder how I would make it through this time without Him; relying on the words of my doctors and medicine alone. I can’t imagine walking through this without Him. Because I am not strong, in fact I am really weak right now, He is my strength. I am not brave, He is my courage. Without Him, I wouldn’t have hope.
Throughout this pregnancy, I’ve constantly thought of my pregnancy with Chase and how I took it for granted. I long for a normal pregnancy with Eisley, where I know without a doubt, she is okay and she is not sick. I long to watch my stomach grow week by week and feel and see her movements throughout the day. I would give anything to get huge pregnant with her, as my stomach did with Chase.
But that is not the case this pregnancy. She’s had to fight from 13 weeks on. She has small movements that I can barely feel. My stomach is the size of a 20 week baby. But she is fighting and she is already a miracle. When I am pregnant again, you can guarantee I will I will recognize it for the miracle that it is. Just how everything has to come together perfectly in order for a easy-breezy pregnancy, like that with Chase.
I do know that with both pregnancies, He’s watched over my babies. I do know and trust that He knows what is best for them. And even despite this difficult pregnancy and the times where I feel helpless, I am thankful that He is the one in control.
(just fyi- tomorrow at 8:30 am mst we have another appointment with the specialist. No major measurements but we will have amnionic fluid levels, doppler level, heart and movement checked.)
rest.
He never comes too late,
He knoweth what is best,
Vex not thyself in vain,
Until he cometh REST.
Streams in the Desert
My “helpless” isn’t hopeless.
Today I had a breakdown. I can hear two new infant babies crying in the rooms surrounding me and it’s incredibly difficult. I long to hear Eisley’s cry and to hold her close to me. I long to know she will be okay. Today Eisley isn’t moving a lot or even much at all, which always makes my heart ache and I sometimes don’t even know how to function when I am waiting for her movements.
I feel helpless a lot of the time. Helpless to know I cannot heal my daughter. Helpless to know I have no idea the outcome of this difficult time. Helpless to know there isn’t more I can be doing to help her. There is so much more, but you get the idea.
Yet…my feelings of helplessness isn’t hopeless. I don’t feel hopeless. I know the He can heal my daughter. I know that He knows the outcome. I know that He is everything she needs.
I am hopeful when I remember this in my weakness. In my feeling of helplessness. I am hopeful to know He is with Eisley regardless of how this time might end. I am hopeful to know He is bigger than anything the doctors may tell me. I am hopeful that He is with us always. I am hopeful the He has Eisley between His shoulders.
In my weakness and my inability to be able to heal my daughter or nourish her properly, He is strong.
He is my hope and I’m clinging to that in this difficult season.
