I will remember, I will grieve.

The very moment they put Eisley in my arms, after they cleaned and dressed her, I felt a peace wash over me. For the first time in my life I felt the “peace that passes understanding”. I looked at my beautiful baby girl and just knew… it was right that she was with Him. It wasn’t because she looked ill or sick… she didn’t, in fact, to the naked human eye, she was perfect. Her hands, her fingers, her tiny finger nails, her feet, her toes, her little nose that looked like Chase’s and her lips that were shaped like mine but big like her daddy’s.

She was perfect. But I knew, she was meant to be with Him.

I can’t really explain it, but yesterday from the moment that I first held her to our final earthly goodbyes, I felt peace. She is whole and healthy with Him. She rests between His shoulders. She isn’t suffering, she isn’t fighting. It is what is best for her.

I thought her being here with us would be best for her and now I know it wasn’t.

Like so many people, I felt like Eisley was going to make it. I truly felt, deep inside, she was going to win this battle for her life. I did. I don’t have answers, and right now, I don’t feel like I need an answer. Right now, I just know, it is right that she is with Him but we are grieving that she isn’t with us.

Someday, maybe soon, I may question this. Right now, I feel the utmost peace, the kind which passes my understanding. The kind that says, this is truly difficult and I am filled with sorrow, but God I trust You and will rest in that.

The day I found out Eisley’s heart stopped beating, that her fight was done… I didn’t feel peace. I can’t really say what exactly I felt.

Today,I ache. I ache deep inside. When I cry, I keep literally reaching for my heart just wanting the pain that’s deep inside to just calm. The ache that feels almost physical, to stop.

I grieve as I sit here with this stillness in my womb. Silence. My body no longer holds my precious Eisley. She is no longer here with me on earth.

We are filled with grief and stricken with sorrow, we will be for months and years to come. I will always ache when September 14th rolls around each year, the day her little heart stopped fighting. I will still remember September 17th, the day of her birth, as bittersweet. I will still cry and wonder what life would be like with her when her due date, December 17th comes each year.

But even more than just those 3 dates, I will mourn and grieve maybe every day from here on out for a while. That’s okay and I know that. 

But I will also remember.

On April 26 I will remember with joy, the day that I found out we were pregnant with our little surprise baby. I will still remember rejoicing on August 8th at our ‘Pink or Blue party’ where we found our we were having a girl, our precious Eisley. I will remember feeling her little kicks and hiccups deep inside.I will remember the very first time I felt her kick from the outside, at the very same time her daddy felt too.  I will remember the ultrasounds where we watched her suck her thumb and stick her tongue out. I will remember the heart monitoring and hearing her swift heart beat, beat, beat to let me know she was okay.  I will remember the night before she passed, when she reacted to her daddy’s voice as he talked to my belly. I will remember her final kicks to me the morning she passed away, like she was saying goodbye to me. I will remember the day we finally gave birth to her, September 17th-  the perfect delivery of our beautiful baby girl and the peace that washed over Ted and I when we held her. I will remember how perfect her little nose, mouth, ears, toes, feet, fingers… how perfect and beautiful she was.

Our Eisley is with Him, which is really comforting, but we still ache and we will. We feel the loss of our daughter so strong right now.

And we will never, ever forget Eisley and her journey, her strength and the the legacy she left behind before even entering the world. We will never forget what we have learned as we were allowed to be her parents. She was a miracle baby is now safely in the arms of her Heavenly Daddy.

We will remember and we will grieve, but we will someday she her again.

19 thoughts on “I will remember, I will grieve.

  1. amyekelly says:

    jami, this is beautiful. you said it all so perfectly. my heart aches for you and your sweet family. I will continue to be praying for you all…


  2. christy says:

    I am so so sorry for your loss and grieve for y’all too. She looked so perfect in your last post and its comforting to know she’s in His arms. Its still hard and you will remember all those dates, I still do. We lost our last littlest angel 3 yrs ago next month and she has been on my mind a lot as the date approaches. I can’t wait to meet her and our other babes someday b ut until then try to remain comforted that they’re in heaven and I have two other special gifts right here. Praying for continued peace, strength and healing always.


  3. Janalyn Hegle says:

    Been following your blogs throughout this whole thing. This is beautiful and brought me to tears though I don’t even know you that well. Your peace and trust in God is amazing. Praying for you and your family. May God’s peace continue to flow through you.


  4. Gail says:

    My heart and prayers go out to you and your family, Jami. Below is the link to a website that helped me cope with the loss of my son. I also found great comfort in reading the individual blogs of the site’s contributors, as the moms and dads poured out their devastated, deepest feelings about the loss of their beloved children, feelings that were so like my own.


    God walks with you and Ted through this shattering loss. May you both continue to be comforted by His presence and feel His perfect peace.


  5. Ulani Couper says:

    I have been following your blog since friends asked us to pray for you. My heart breaks for your loss. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. May you continue to feel Gods peace and love through this hard time.


  6. Rusty Kelley says:

    Hi, I am Cynthia’s ex sister-in-law. My family has been praying for all of you during this difficult time. We too lost our daughter Dec 13 2006. Our hearts go out to all of you as you go through this, we know how difficult it is. May Gods peace carry you through it all. Rusty Kelley


  7. Chey says:

    My Dearest Jami,
    I want to thank you for being so open and vulnerable. Thank you for so willingly sharing your heart with us. It cannot be easy for you, but thank you for inviting us into your life in this way. I grieve with you, and love you, Ted, Chase, and Eisley so deeply.


  8. Sheila Fisher says:

    Thank you for sharing your personal journey with us. Your little baby’s earthly journey was brief, but she made a huge impact on a lot of lives. None of us can really know how you and Ted feel right now, but we are so sorry for your loss and grieve with you. What a wonderful testimony you shared ! I pray as you remember Eisley, especially on those dates, you will recall God’s faithfulness in your extreme need and how His Word was True! The peace of God was there for you. Praise His Holy Name, He is so faithful. We love you, Ted and Chase, and continue to pray for your complete healing. Love & Prayers, Sheila & Pastor Dannie


  9. Chriss Menna says:

    I’m so sorry that your hearts are in pain. We are with you in this. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    You have an amazing strength, Jami! You’re beautiful inside and out! Your vulnerability is beautiful and captivating! Love you, Chriss


  10. Hillary says:

    Thank you so much for allowing those of us on the outside in. We ache with you. I am so honored that you let me in on this journey despite its difficulties and obviously its memories. I am thankful for the peace that passes all understanding for you. It is all I have been praying for you and Ted!! You say things so eloquently that makes me feel like I am there with you! Thank you again and I will continue to pray!! Love to you!


  11. Shauna says:

    I feel so blessed that I got to “know” Eisley through your blog. She was such a fighter and an inspiration to everyone, and for that I thank you for opening yourself up to us. I will never forget her. I am thanking God that he is able to bring you some peace and I hope you continue to be comforted with peace. I keep trying to think of something eloquent and something other than “I’m sorry” but I’m without words. Just know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I’m praying to God that this will get easier for you and that he will give you strength to get through this.


  12. Hannah says:

    Your strength is inspiring, and your amazing faith has given me pause- I was raised Catholic, but consider myself agnostic now. Thank you for sharing your beautiful tribute to your daughter. I lost a baby in the second trimester, and your words have somehow helped heal my heart a little bit more.


  13. Glenda Hobbs says:

    My heart is so heavy for all of you. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am so moved by your strength and your words. I will continue to pray for you, that you will continue to receive His peace.
    Blessings to you.


  14. Beth Miller says:

    I had a friend direct me to your blog, and I am so glad she did. I was reading your story with Eisley, and it reminds me so much of the journey I had with my son Evan (who is also with Jesus) 4 years ago this fall. We had found out that he had severe heart defects when I was 21 weeks pregnant, and he went to be with Jesus at 27 weeks. It was the longest 6 weeks of my life. Reading through your blog posts takes me back so vividly to that time…the helplessness of finding out your baby is sick, (I, too, thought it would never happen to me), waiting every day to feel movement, uncertainty of the future, and clinging to Jesus because there’s nowhere else hope can be found. I am glad that you were able to treasure your earthly moments with Eisley…mine are etched into my brain and heart…you will never forget. And every one of those dates will hold a special meaning to you. I am praying for you and your family as you work through the healing and redemption to come. I would love to chat more with you, sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has “been there”. And I just have to tell you…Eisley is a beautiful name.


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