30 days of {truth} (3)

Tonight, I’m playing a little catch up on the 30 days of {truth} challenge. 

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.

Welp… the tough days are definetly here right now and I’ve been listening a lot to ‘Your Hands’ by JJ Heller and Mumford and Sons (especially ‘After the Storm’).

Day 14: A hero that has let you down.

This might be a little controversial, not because I’m trying to be…I really hope it’s not. I actually looked up the definition and to “let someone down” means to “fail to support”. So I am going to change it up a little bit because my hero hasn’t let me down but has disappointed me.

 So…”A hero that has disappointed you”

Here is the my {truth}.

The hero who has disappointed me is my God. Let me first say, He is my hero still. He will always be my saviour and my hero forevermore. But the {truth} is that sometimes I feel so disappointed by Him.

Right now I feel so disappointed that my Eisley-girl isn’t here in my arms. That her little heart stopped beating. I am disappointed that the healing I prayed so deeply for, didn’t happen in the way I hoped it would. I feel disappointed that I don’t get to see her smile, hear her laugh, feel her kisses, etc.

I’m deeply disappointed and He’s knows this, He’s heard my cries. Thankfully He can handle hearing my cries of confusion, of anger and of disappointment.

He disappoints sometimes, in the things I hope for, but  He’s never let me go.  He’s never even “let me down” and “failed to support” me.

One of the things I have learned throughout everything we’ve gone through with Eisley (not saying He did this to teach me a lesson), something that before I never understood, is that even in our deepest sorrow and disappointment He is still trustworthy.

I believe, even with my broken heart, that this is the {truth}.

Father, You are still trustworthy.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  2 Cor. 14:16-18

An {awe}some story and reminder.

I have an incredible story to share with you about this little Eisley Necklace

For Mother’s Day this year Ted bought me the above necklace with charms of Chase’s name and one with our initials and wedding date. I knew I wanted to add Eisley to my necklace when I came home from the hospital so I searched and found the one I wanted. I showed only Ted and a few family members and they all agreed, it was perfect! I wrote the The Vintage Pearl and asked them if they could please make me a charm of an angel wing with Eisley’s name on it. I waited and waited but heard nothing back (and still haven’t).

Not long after I had lost Eisley, my friend Sami (who I met while going through everything with Eisley) wrote me and told me she had something being sent my way but didn’t tell me anything about what it was. 5 weeks after having Eisley, she messaged me and told me “they” had emailed her and my gift was on its way and that she hoped it came in the perfect timing. I thanked her and she told me to thank God because He had totally laid it on her heart which made me even more curious!

So, then comes the day of my follow-up appointment. I was  in Arvada, standing in the Target parking lot and Ted calls me and says “Hey your charm came in the mail today!” I asked him what charm? And he told me, “the one of the wing with Eisley’s name on it”. “But I didn’t even order it yet!” I told him I hadn’t heard back  from the Vintage Pearl. We were confused and I told him I would check my paypal when I got home to see if I did order it and just forgot. My mind has been kind of jumbled lately, so it was totally possible. Ted and I talked about other possibilities, like maybe when I told the vintage pearl to make the necklace, they just went ahead and sent it. We briefly talked about the possibility that maybe this was what Sami had sent, but we were like “there’s no way” because it was exactly what I had asked for and she didn’t even know that.

When I finally made it home that evening, he showed me the charm and it just took my breath away. It was stunning and everything I hoped it would be… but I still was confused on how it came about. So I checked my paypal account and saw that I didn’t buy anything from the vintage pearl. I checked my email to see if maybe I had missed an email from them; nothing.  Because it was the very necklace I had written them about, I just assumed that they had gone ahead and sent it to me. Maybe it was a mistake and they didn’t realize I hadn’t paid? I decided before I wrote them I probably should write Sami to ask if this is what she’d bought me even though I still was thinking “there is just no way”. This was our conversation;

Me: Hey girl! I recieved a vintage pearl charm in the mail today. Is that from you?

Sami: Hope it came in the perfect moment. Just read your tweet about Eisleys tests. I’m sorry….

Me: Is it a charm with an angel wing and eisley’s name on it? I’m sorry, this will make sense in a minute I promise!

Sami: Yeppers!!! It should have came with a necklace and a little pearl too. Let me know if it didn’t :)

I read her reply and put my hand over my mouth and began to cry. I just couldn’t believe it. I told Ted and we were both just dumbfounded. This was our God. He wanted to let us know “I’m still here with you”. He knew we needed this and most importantly that we needed to be reminded that He was still with us…. and the fact that it came to us the very day of our follow-up appointment…I’m in awe!  This was our God. How else could this be explained?  Some might say coincidence but I say this is truly God.

I like the way my friend Sami put it;

“Psalm 34:18 “He IS close to the brokenhearted…and saves those that are crushed in spirit.” I am so humbled and so thankful that it was beyond what I even knew. I cannot fathom that it was the exact necklace you had desired. God is so good…even in the pain. He IS near you. He IS holding you. It doesn’t take the pain away, but somehow the peace will carry you. Everytime you look at that necklace it can be a reminder of your love for Eisley and His love for the both of you.”

The story actually got even more incredible. Sami told me ”You have no idea how long ago this plan was put into motion by Him” because she had actually spent the past few months trying to buy a charm for her necklace with a gift card but everytime she went to buy it, she would either get distracted or it would freeze up. She told me that one night put all her information in to order the charm but got distracted and when she came back her husband had accidently closed out of it.  She decided to try again later and went to bed and felt God told her “EISLEY… it’s not for you… it’s for Jami”. When she went to order it she almost did 2 day shipping but her friend told her to send it normally and it would arrive at the right time.

And boy did it ever. The very day of my follow-up appointment?! Thank you God.

Whenever I wear this necklace (which is often) I will think of my precious Eisley-girl and I will also remember the story of how this necklace came to be and that He is still with us, even when it doesn’t feel like He is. He’s still with us in our broken state and in our pain.

‘I Will Carry You’

I am in awe and I had to share just how incredible our God is. I must share.

(You’ve may or may not have heard this part of our journey before…) Months ago I was on my way home from running errands. I heard this story on the radio that touched my heart deeply and caused me to have a much needed conversation with my God. That very evening I felt that God was preparing my heart for something big. I came home and told Ted about this conversation with God and what I felt. I even wrote it on my facebook status that very evening.

I wrote a blog in greater detail about that day here. Please read it because it pieces all of this together in the most beautiful, awesome way.

Yesterday, I recieved a package from a friend, of books she ordered from Amazon for me. She bought me 3 books, one titled ‘I Will Carry You’. I briefly looked over them but sat them down because since I’ve come home, nothing has satisfied me for very long. Hours later after I went from trying to surf the web to trying to watch tv to trying to journal what I am feeling to trying to eat, etc.  Nothing has been able to distract me from my pain, so I just didn’t even try to read one of the books.

Hours later, I finally decided to read the summary of the books. ‘I Will Carry You’ immediately captured my attention. I realized it was a story of a family who walked through the tragedy of losing their daughter and even despite knowing how hard it would be to read it, I began. Soon, I was as page 25 and realized in complete awe, I knew their story. This was the exact couple I had heard on the radio that evening as I headed home from errands. It was the exact couple whose incredible faith and trust drew me into hearing their story. It was the story that led me to talking with God and the very night he spoke to me about preparing my heart for something big.

I began crying as I told Ted about this miraculous and amazing thing. Iam still in awe. I mean, this was the story I had hear prior to beginning this journey and walk with my sweet Eisley. It was God preparing me, it really was. And now here I am with the very story that spoke to my heart, in my hands and not long after our tragedy.

This is God. This is my no means a coincidence. (I even wrote my friend and asked her if she knew when she bought the book. She didn’t have any idea.)

And just as I was beginning to feel like He’d left me, He does this, like He’s gently reminding me, “I’m still here, Jami”.

I’m already pretty far in the book and I told Ted I feel like someone reached deep inside my heart and mind and put it in a book. It’s so similar and how she describes how she felt during appointments and throughout the entire procress, made my heart ache in a very familar way. I will write more as I read it, but for now I just had to share how incredibly AWEsome our God is.

post edit; a friend just sent me this song the couple had written for their daughter. It touches my heart so deeply.