Eisley Antalya · Jami Joann · Life

Still they grow.

Yes, leave it with Him,

The lillies all do,

And they grow;

 They grow in the rain.

And they grow in the dew.

Yes, they grow;

They grow in the darkness, all hid in the night.

They grow in the sunshine, reaveled by the light.

Still they grow.

Yes, leave it with Him.

‘Tis more dear to His heart,

You will know, than the lillies that bloom,

Or the flowers that start ‘neath the snow.

Whatever you need, if you seek it in prayer,

You can leave it with Him- for you are in His care.

You, you know.

Streams in the Desert

It’s hard to express how much  my heart, my mind and my life has changed- in the past 13 weeks since this all began or even in the past 20 days in the hospital. Things inside of me that have been asleep for so long, are now long awakened. My trust in Him is the most it has ever been, even amidst one of the hardest things I’ve ever walked through. This doesn’t mean I am unafraid or that I still wonder what He has in store for Eisley, I am and I do. It’s hard to explain, but I just have this intense trust in Him despite what may or may not happen. If you know me , or have followed my blog throughout the years, you know that my trust in Him is a constant battle, so this is huge.

I often wonder how I would make it through this time without Him; relying on the words of my doctors and medicine alone. I can’t imagine walking through this without Him. Because I am not strong, in fact I am really weak right now, He is my strength. I am not brave, He is my courage.  Without Him, I wouldn’t have hope.

Throughout this pregnancy, I’ve constantly thought of my pregnancy with Chase and how I took it for granted. I long for a normal pregnancy with Eisley, where I know without a doubt, she is okay and she is not sick. I long to watch my stomach grow week by week and feel and see her movements throughout the day. I would give anything to get huge pregnant with her, as my stomach did with Chase.

But that is not the case this pregnancy. She’s had to fight from 13 weeks on. She has small movements that I can barely feel. My stomach is the size of a 20 week baby. But she is fighting and she is already a miracle. When I am pregnant again, you can guarantee I will I will recognize  it for the miracle that it is. Just how everything has to come together perfectly in order for a easy-breezy pregnancy, like that with Chase.

I do know that with both pregnancies, He’s watched over my babies. I do know and trust that He knows what is best for them. And even despite this difficult pregnancy and the times where I feel helpless, I am thankful that He is the one in control.

(just fyi- tomorrow at 8:30 am mst we have another appointment with the specialist. No major measurements but we will have amnionic fluid levels, doppler level, heart and movement checked.)

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