“Preparing my heart for something big…”

This May, prior to when I began bleeding the first time, I was driving home one evening after running errands. I used to take the time I had alone in my car to talk with God. I have had some amazing and much needed conversations with Him while on the road. But at that point, in May, I was at serious odds with God. I was struggling with the same thing I always fall back to, my lack of trust in Him. So all that to say, we weren’t talking on this car ride home. In fact, I was flipping thru radio stations, searching for a song to sing along to. Nothing.

I decided to switch to a christian radio station and was immediately drawn to the conversation. A couple was on air, speaking of walking through an intense tragedy of losing their daughter. I kept turning the station because I was afraid of listening to something like this while pregnant, but I would going back. I was so drawn to the couple’s intense faith and trust in God, despite everything they had walked through. I wanted what they had.

{I wanted the faith and the trust they had despite their tragedy}

I listened all the way home and then sat in the driveway until it finished. When it finished, I began talking with God about where I was at and I felt His prescence so strongly and then I felt he was {preparing my heart for something big}. But I didn’t know what that meant and I tried to process everything I felt inside onto my journal through words and art. (I also wrote this on my facebook status here that very evening)

Side note: Let me just say… I do NOT believe he’s caused this high risk pregnancy to teach me a lesson on trust, I don’t even believe he’s caused it. I believe this happened and that he’s here with me and he did prepare me, yes. But he did not cause this.

This week, He reminded me of our conversation that evening and I was in awe as I pieced it together. Was this what he’s been preparing me for? I feel like that is the only explantation for how I am dealing with everything. {It’s not on my own strength, it’s with his}. I’ve been telling people, as we’ve walked through this, I have felt him intensely and that if it weren’t for him I would honestly feel completely helpless. Prayer helps my feeling of helplessness more than words can say.

I just wanted to share where I am with all of this and mostly, about how I feel he’s prepared me for this season. I’m so thankful to him. And I’m incredibly thankful he’s put such great people in my life (like you!) who’ve prayed for our sweet baby throughout all of this. Thank you and please keep praying!

4 thoughts on ““Preparing my heart for something big…”

  1. emma says:

    i love you and was just thinking about that night that you posted that on facebook… our god is good and big and holy and loves your precious family so much!


    • colourherhope says:

      isn’t he amazing that way? when we all walk through such hard seasons, he’s the only way we get through them. the only explanation. Love you too!


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