december seventeenth
I had a feeling that Eisley’s due date could be overwhelming so we decided to do some really meaningful things to help get through the day. Ted wasn’t able to take the day off, which was hard for both of us. We were able to still do some things but are planning on doing a few significant things on his days off.
I’m having a hard time finding the words to describe Friday… instead, here are a few photos to describe a few significant things we did to honour and remember our Eisley girl. It’s not everything, but it describes a bit of our day.
I will be sharing the {full} meaning behind my tattoo, besides the obvious, on the next blog post.
We were beyond blessed by you on Friday. I couldn’t believe the outpour of love we felt and saw. Messages, emails, tweets, texts, calls, flowers, edible arrangments, ornaments, significant gifts, etc. THANK YOU.
You truly “held” up our arms. We felt it, we saw it. We love you dearly!
back in september
(disclaimer: this post is really raw)
I keep reliving every moment. The good and the bad, mostly the traumatic. My heart and my mind still aren’t connecting in some ways. I just want everything to make sense and it doesn’t. Our little E was perfectly healthy. Perfect. What happened? What went wrong? “The placenta was too damamged by the bleeding”. How is that an answer? I know that even if I had an “answer” it wouldn’t be good enough.
I try so hard to understand, to try and make sense of everything and I let my mind go back to the first time I started bleeding and how terrified we were, to when they told us she was barely growing, to the first time on bedrest, to the first time they told us our chances of her surviving were slim, to the heart monitoring almost daily and then to the day I just knew something wasn’t right…
and it wasn’t.
I mostly flashback to the day, September 14th, when I realized something was terribly wrong. When searched for her hearbeat but only found mine racing because I knew she was gone. I flashback to the 3 days of labor and how often I’d ask them to drug me up not only so I wouldn’t feel anything physically, but because I didn’t want to feel anything at all. It was all too much. I remember as I was in labor and the tiniest part of me hoping for a miracle still. Hoping that when I delivered her, she would be screaming at the top of her lungs. That our daughter who we’d been dreaming of, and we’d all been hoping and praying for, would be alive.
I flashback to the moments we first held her. The first time I laid eyes on her and how beautiful she was. I close my eyes and cling to those memouries for they are all I have. I try and remember the peace I felt as I held her because I sure as hell don’t feel that peace now. I flashback to holding my beautiful, yet lifeless daughter…. and this is where I stay.
I feel stuck there. I feel as though I left her back in September and my life keeps moving forward at full speed. I need to go back and get her and bring her home… but I can’t. It’s like a horrible, terrible nightmare playing over and over in my head but it’s not a nightmare, it’s our reality. She is gone.
The mother heart in me is unsettled. As a mother you’d give anything to protect your child, to make sure they are nourished and well taken care of. You’d give your life for them in a second.
One day my fms sat us in her office and told me Eisley’s chances of living were close to none. She hoped that she would make it but believed that she would not. She told me I had a few options. 1. I could stay in the hospital doing what I was or 2. I could go home and live life like I was before and “let nature take it’s course”…
I felt so sick. How dare you even suggest that to me? The heart of a mother knew to keep fighting regardless of what the chances were, regardless of the heartbreak I might possible feel is the very thing we’d hoped for didn’t happen. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself had I chosen the second option. It wasn’t even an option for us.
We fought, and fought, and fought to keep her alive. And she fought, she fought a fight a baby never ever should. I am so proud of her and how hard she fought to live. They always told me she was “beating the odds” and “she is a fighter”.
I often think “why?”, “what happened?”, “what really went wrong” and have even ventured to the questions of “why us?” “why Eisley?”
I find myself in these really uncomfortable and sometimes terribly horrible places as I’m reminded of our loss. Our grief is constant and yet it’s also revisited with each flashback or reminder that she’s gone. Revisited as I suddenly remember the dreams I had for her and things I wanted to do with her and for her. Even silly things like the cute outfits and accessories and headbands and barretts that I wanted to make for her. How I’d imagine her first year photoshoot in a little tutu and pink converse. How I’d dreamt of her first canvas painting (like we did with Chase) in pink and orange paint everywhere and all over her. How I wanted her to be artsy and crafty like me. How I wanted to dress her like her momma. How I created teal and pink converse just so the two of us could be matchy matchy… the list goes on, and on, and on….from the tiniest and silliest little dreams to the biggest, most meaningful dreams.
I am also having a hard time differentiating truth and lies of people’s intentions towards me and it’s almost impossible for me to think clearly regarding this area right now. I am trying to find the balance in my heart and in my head of reading or hearing of what others write or tell me (when they know what we have/are going through) and somehow learning to not take it personally. To somehow let it go and not become wounded and bitter by everyone who writes whatever I read. (I wrote about it a it this post) I’ve even “removed” myself from the social networks for the most part and it’s helped a little bit but it all boils down to grieving and being envious. And the truth is I will always be reminded of our loss, especially right now in the thick of it.
Let me just say here I NEVER ever wish what we’ve gone through on someone else (hopefully if you know me, you know that). I am happy for others and their healthy babies yet I think it makes sense that I am envious. To envy is to have a feeling of discontentment and to be honest I do. To be jealous of someone is to be resentful of what they have. I am really trying to not go down that path. Please pray for me. I don’t want to resent. I am envious because I miss our girl and the reminders and really hard. Someday they might get easier. But everyone and their mom is having babies or pregnant right now ;) so it’s especially hard.
Just the other night as I drove to pick Ted up from work (just me), I screamed out the deep anger that’s been welling up inside me and cried so hard that my face was swollen badly and my voice was raw. I am so thankful that God can handle me in that state. I haven’t ventured there often but when I do it feels so… healing. And He is faithful to remind me of who He is, even still, even amidst.
Where am I at, one day prior to my daughter’s due date? I’m an array of emotions, most healthy and some unhealthy ones that I am working through. I am praying for peace, but I kind of recognize it’s okay that I’m a mess right now. While everything else is unsettled within me I know without a doubt God is with us, He is still trustworthy and my daughter’s life has changed us and so many for the better. I am going to move inspired by her little life. I hope and long to be the voice, the art, the song, the creativity for my sweet E.
I am writing and being pretty vulnerable because I need your your prayers, your love, your support and please, your sensitivity.
Tomorrow is Eisley’s due date. My heart breaks even writing that…please stand with us in prayer for our hearts.
Gifts made with modge podge.
I am pretty crazy about modge podge and here are a few simple and cute ideas using this amazing stuff! I follow the Prudent Baby and she absolutely inspires me. She posted a few easy coaster DIYs on her blog and I decided to do these as a small gift for a bunch of my extended family members. Because I know a lot of my family reads our blog, I will post some that I made for our (future) home!
I made gift sets of coasters and magnets and will be sharing both on this post. So heads up, this is probably going to be a long post!
Supplies used to make coasters;
6 3×3 tiles – (16 cents a piece from home depot!)
modge podge
paint brush
crafting paper/scrap paper – (I bought individual sheets at Hobby Lobby because then I could pick, choose and piece together what I thought matched my family member’s homes or personality)
paper cutter (or xacto knife or scissors)
felt (or cork) for the bottoms
hot glue gun (or rubber cement) to put the bottoms on
DIY:
Trace and cut
I cut mine a little less an 3 in by 3 in because I like the white edged look. You’ll see what I mean in a sec :)
paint one layer of glue on tile and carefully place paper
set a timer for 20 min and then add a layer of modge podge on top. Set time again for 20 min. You’ll do this a total of 5 times.
(optional part) Once completely dried, dampen #400 sandpaper and lightly sand until smooth.
The final step is to add felt or cork to the bottom and then you’re done!
(I did ours to match my dream living room colours. I’ve shared before but our colours are teal, with black and white accents and splashes of pink which remind us of Eisley :))
How to make magnets:
Supplies used:
glass gems (big pack for $3 at Hobby Lobby)
paper scraps from coasters
modge podge :)
paint brush
scissors or xacto knife
magnets for back
hot glue gun (for magnets)
How to DIY:
Trace and cut.
Add a light layer of modge podge and carefully place paper in center.
I let it try for 20 min, added a layer on top. I did this twice.
Once dried, hot glue magnets to back and you’re finished!
(This is a little saying I like and a cartoon my grandpa cut out for my brother)
These are fairly simple and hopefully the recipients will enjoy them!
This will be my last DIY post for this week (probably). Please keep us in your prayers as it’s already proven to be an incredible hard week but we’re pressing into each other as we miss our sweet E. Thanks for loving us so.
Much love, Jami
Our Winter Wreath (with DIY details)
I am pretty excited to share our winter wreath with you. I used our colours (teal, white) but remember you can use whatever colours you want. Hope you’re inspired to {create}!
I have a new found love in making rolled fabric flowers and once I show you, you might too!
How to DIY:
First buy a wreath. I bought ours at a thrift store for just under $2. I tore it apart and spray painted it white. (If you don’t want to spray paint, use fabric to wrap around the entire wreath)
I went to Wal-Mart and bought it for this great price.I bought 1 1/2 yards of fabric but ended up only using one yard. If you wanted to cover the entire wreath I would buy a more.
Rolled fabric flowers are very popular among the crafting community right now. Used for dressing up shoes, shirts, purses, totes, headbands, etc, etc, etc. I decided to try my hand at rolled fabric flowers (for this project but also for a few gifts) but searched online for the “how to” and really didn’t like how they worked with flannel. So I tried a few things and ended up find this worked the best with the kind of material I had!
How to make the flowers
Step one: lay fabric out and draw circles in different sizes so you can have a variety of flower sizes.
Step two: Cut circles out and cut in a swirl pattern.
Step three: Take the end with the smallest point and roll towards you. I found rolling the very center a little tighter and then losening as I rolled worked best for the look I wanted. I liked the more imperfect rolled look. I used a pen to push the center up in the flowers. Make sure if you do that, you poke from behing the flower, not the front!
step four: admire ;)
step five: hot glue the back and you’re done!
I used a hot glue gun to place them on the wreath.
And then I used left over lace I had to hang it. It will go on our front door when we get a wreath hanger but for now;
I {love} it and kinda want to make one for each season!
Hope you’re inspired! I’ll be posting a handmade packaging idea and another gift idea soon.
Remembering vs. Reminders
When we had our first appointment where Dr. H confirmed we were indeed pregnant, we learned our “surprise baby’s” due date but made plans to have her a bit earlier, due to the fact that I had a c-section with Chase only months before. So we chose a date; December 10, 2010.
I hadn’t expected yesterday to be so hard for me and had honestly tried to just see it as just another date on the calendar. Not because I was in denial but because of the fact that since everything hadn’t gone perfectly or smoothly from the beginning of our pregnancy, the c-section scheduled for December 10th was never officially set in stone and then once things progressively got worse, we let it go all together. I didn’t think it would hit me so hard, but Thursday night as we went to bed, Iwept as Ted and I talked about how if everything had gone well we would probably have a hard time sleeping that night, due to the anticipation of the arrival of our daughter. If everything had gone smoothly, we would be celebrating.
I woke throughout the night Thursday night with this heavy on my heart. “If everything had gone perfectly, smoothly…” IF. But it hadn’t. We held her and said our earthly goodbyes just 3 months earlier. The very day of her due date will mark 3 months exactly.
The reminders that she is gone are so heavy right now and we’re in the thick of it as her actual due date nears.
They are wearing me down. Let’s add to the reminders …my sensitivity and lies of the enemy. I am sensitive anyways, but now I feel even more so. I am so easily reminded of our loss whenever I’m online. I allow myself to get wounded/hurt by things other say even when they probably weren’t even thinking of me when they wrote “such and such”. I try and remind myself that it’s probably unintentional to hurt me or that they aren’t trying to remind me of what they have and what I’ve lost but the lies of the enemy get me SO bad with this one.
I remember the day after we lost Eisley, I was in labor and I felt enough courage to write a blog so got online and while I was on the computer, I decided to update my status but just before I could, I read someone’s status that they had just written about the movements of their baby and how amazing it was. I wept. That was the first of many to come. I think if I told you of how often I do that, you would probably tell me to get off the social networks all together. I’ve realized and tried to come to terms with the fact that this is our reality and not everyone remembers what we have lost and what we’re walking through now, but sometimes I still take things so personally. {This is my reality} and I try to keep that in mind when I read or hear things but honestly, right now I feel like it’s slapping me across the face. I am in a constant battle against trying to remember the beautiful time I had with my girl versus the reminders that she is gone, the reminders of what we’ve lost.
As you can see, our loss has made me more sensitive in negative ways ….but also in some really positive ways as well. I now feel more aware of those around me and where they are at and I try and stay sensitive to them.
I really think a lot of my sensitivity also boils down to grief. I guess I am here to ask you to please pray for us? Her due date is the 17th and if yesterday was so hard, I really can’t imagine what next friday will be like. We have some significant things planned and one of my dear friends who I haven’t seen in over two years will be in town.
Thank you for all of your love and support and for helping me walk through this. I sometimes hop on my blog {just} to read the comments you have written to me over the past few months. I am encouraged and blessed by you continually. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Much love,
Jami
A fairly simple DIY {winter} display.
Remember my DIY fall display? Well today it was transformed into a winter one! (Keep in mind you can use any colours you want to do what I’ve done below. Our colours are more wintery then Christmasy)
Spray painted the branch white.
Spray painted the beans.
{love} the colour
I was planning on buying teal fabric but instead searched through the house and found white lace.
which I cut into strips and spray painted (yeah, I got a little carried away with the spray paint today!)
Once everything dried, I tied the lace on the branch to make pretty little bows and trimmed it to look like “leaves”.
I used left over lace and felt from the “falling” felt snowflakes to create this look. I thought of printing off one of the free holiday printables that are going around right now, but nothing seemed fitting for our family currently. The holiday “cheer” is hard to find this year, so I instead framed joy. Joy isn’t always a smile on your face. Joy is within, it’s amidst sorrow and grief. Joy is healing and is part of what helps you move forward. Joy seemed fitting to frame.
(please ignore the lighting difference ;))
I am super tired and probably shouldn’t even be posting when I can’t even remember how to spell such simple words. (Seriously, writing this post has been amusing) Hope you’re inspired to create.
Much Love,
Jami
An empty cradle and an overwhelming battle.
(A photo Ted took while I was in labor with Eisley)
The emptiness overwhelms me. Empty womb. Empty arms. Empty soft pink “blankie”. Empty baby girl clothes. Empty cradle. It’s overwhelming and we find it even more so as her due date nears. (December 17)
We’ve boxed away most things which we had prepared for Eisley’s arrival. Until 3 weeks ago, I had a small bag of her “belongings” that sat next to my favourite recliner. It held things I had when I was in the hospital with her; letters I wrote her, words, notes and verses people gave us, ultrasound photos of her, her birth certificate, the little mold of her footprints, the gown they dressed her in when we first saw her, the soft pink blankie we held her in, etc.
I would go through the bag occasionally, most of the time I would find myself pulling out her footprint mold and reminisce of the moments I held her in my arms. In awe of her tiny beauty. Sometimes, when I was alone in the house, I would reach into the bag, pull out her blanket, put my face in it and cry.
I now moved the bag into my closet. I can’t explain why, but one day I just moved the bag. I took out her footprint mold and put it where I could see it everyday (and out of reach of Chase). I put her blankie on my bed and now every night I fall asleep, holding it in my arms with the softest part on my face. It’s both heartbreaking and comforting simultaneously.
My thoughts overwhelms me. I constantly battle the feeling that I failed my daughter. I find myself still asking the “what ifs” and “if onlys” throughout the day.
Fear overwhelms me. I worry more than ever about losing Chase and Ted. Or a loved one. I moved Chase back to bed since I’ve been home from the hospital and most nights I find myself reaching over to touch him throughout the night to make sure he’s still breathing okay. I am also terrified of even thinking about being pregnant again someday (The comfort of a healthy baby I long for, we want more children, just the pregnancy part scares me now).
The battle to sort through the emptiness, the lies of the enemy, my thoughts, the flashbacks, my fears, etc is apart of the daily grind now.
One way I’ve found myself battling the lies is by speaking out truth even when I don’t fully believe it or “feel” it inside. One evening I was driving home (with Chase) from dinner with my side of the family. It’s about a 25 minute drive and it was dark outside and the lies of the enemy were so thick. I felt overwhelmed and tears streamed down my face. I felt weak but decided to sing out; “Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah our God reigns” and believed it with my whole heart and added, ”You’re still worthy, You’re still Holy, You’re still worthy. You still reign.”
When I find myself in those times where the lies of the enemy are feeling more like truth or when my mind begins to tell me of how I failed my daughter… I write, speak or sing out truth. It really helps me right now. It’s pretty much like “faking it til you make it” in some cases, but I am okay with that right now.
Father God, even though we may never understand or have the answers of “why”. Even though we’re broken-hearted and the emptiness is overwhelming we know You are still worthy, You are still holy. We know You still reign. Our world has been shaken, turned upside down and even shattered in some ways, but we know that You will see us through. {You are our refuge and our strength} You haven’t forsaken us. You haven’t forgotten our sorrow, in fact, You’re probably holding our precious daughter as I write this, longing for me to see that she is indeed whole and healthy. Please give us a glimpse of her joy as she’s with You. Oh and, please kiss her tiny little nose for me, for I would be doing that right this minute if she we’re here with us! Let her know how much her momma loves her.
Paper Trees (the easiest DIY ever)
As I pulled out all of my craft stuff yesterday I noticed I actually had a lot of paper in teals and blues. I decided to make some paper trees. It took me a few shots but this is the best way I found. And it is easy!
All you need is paper, scissors and tape!
Cut paper into a big circle and cute out a piece like above photo.
So simple, so pretty! I love em’.
Someone else loved them too ;)
And you can layer them if you want.
I put them “high” so Chase couldn’t get them or so I thought.
(yep, that’s my son standing on his rocking chair, he’s a daredevil and loves to test his momma!)
We don’t have a mantle at my Grandma’s (where we currently live, just in case you didn’t already know) so this was the best place for them. If you have a mantle, I’m sure they’d look pretty there! They add a pretty “Christmasy” flare. Remember you don’t have to do teals or blues. You can do actual Christmas colours!
Stay tuned next week for more crafts, decor, homemade gift ideas and maybe a Christmasy dessert! This weekend I may be posting more of how we’re doing as Eisley’s due date nears.
{Much love friends}
Creating with what you have {Handmade gift idea 4}
I promise that there are gift ideas coming soon that aren’t based around a picture frame. We’re waiting for payday in order to get the supplies needed to finish some gifts. Today I was feeling kinda bummed about waiting… so I searched through what I had and made this gift for a sweet loved one.
Found this frame just collecting dust. Find or buy one.
Spray paint it if needed (definitely needed in this case)
Cut tissue paper into circles of diferent sizes. (I usually never throw away tissue paper when given it and recycling it today into this was worth the storage space ;))
Crumble them (optional - i just liked the way it looked)
Layered them to your liking.
Find a center piece. I used a button for a fun touch.
Okay, it’s true… I’m a lover of the hand stiching. You don’t need to do this, you can draw it or glue something instead :)
Stick it in the frame (without the glass).
It’s not perfect but I kinda like that about it. Hope you’re inspired to create or encouraged that if you don’t have the supplies to make what you want currently, look through your closets and storage to see what you actually have. You might just be surprised what you come up with!
Stay tuned tomorrow for the {easiest} paper decor DIY project tomorrow!
“Falling” Felt Snowflakes DIY
Hi friends! Can you believe it’s already December?! Hope you’re enjoying this new season.
As I made the “falling” felt leaves, I immediately thought of how pretty felt snowflakes and a snowflake garland would be. Hence this pretty DIY project. Our decor is a little bit of Christmas but mostly winter season. Our colour scheme is white, silver and teal so my projects will be in those colours, but remember you can do whatever colours or patterns you want!
You should make these while all cozied up to Christmas music or movie.
Supplies needed:
Felt – I bought half all white and half sparkle white. The sparkled ones are my favourite but they are 10 cents more at a hobby store.
Scissors, marker for tracing, fishing line to hang.
I used a x-acto knife for the more entraquite parts but you don’t have to.
After some time my finger was really hurting. You really only need a few to spruce up the windows, if that’s what you want. I kind of went over board.
My finger is actually bruised, haha.
SIDE NOTE; I googled snowflake patterns and I found this site and they not only had the cutest snowflake patterns, they also had a pretty snowflake garland so if you want to make that instead… there ya go! (I am making a snowflake garland with a different type of string then what they chose. Will post photos when finished, because I still need to add some teal felt to it as well.)
Wanna Do It Yourself?
Print off this pattern.
Cut out and trace onto felt.
Cut out.
Use x-acto if needed.
String with needle and fishing line and then hang them.
Stand back and admire :)
Side note: You may be wondering how we close the curtains? These all just slide smoothly to the center and I fix them in the morning when the curtains are opened. Takes a sec.
I will be posting a few more handmade Christmas gift ideas this week. Next week stay tuned for a simple and cheap DIY winter display, as well as other DIYs. Maybe a yummy Christmasy dessert too!
{Happy December}
