The test results and the truth of where I’m at.
During my follow-up appointment we received the results for the chromosome tests from Eisley. I wasn’t at all excepting to hear the results just yet, in fact, they told us anywhere from 4-8 weeks and I assumed they would just call us. I am so thankful that Dr. Hill decided to tell us face to face.
The results; There were no chromosome abnormalities. The damage done to the placenta from the blood clots was too much and the placenta just wasn’t able to nourish her enough.
{Our Eisley was p e r f e c t.}
I feel afraid to tell you what I actually thought in those moments after first hearing and as I drove home…Honestly, I was so deeply disappointed. My placenta alone failed her? That was it? That is our “answer”?
Even despite the many talks with Dr. Daye (our fms) about her believing it was a chromosome abnormality of some kind, I had felt all along that it was just the placenta and not a chromosome thing, but honestly, part of me wanted to hear that she had something wrong with her to cause this. Because she is gone, part of me wanted to hear that she wouldn’t have made it outside the womb.
For ways it’s hard to explain, knowing my placenta failed her stirs up a new ache and agony inside of me. She was perfect. She would have survived had it not been for my placenta failing. I ache knowing that.
Dr. Hill had me sit in his office to let me process everything. Before I could say a word, he started talking with me about how he know I probably feel a sense of guilt and like I failed her. Yes, I do. He told me I probably am wondering what I could have done differently to change this outcome. Yes, often. He went on to tell me that he believed that there was nothing that could have been done differently to change this. He told me even if I went on bedrest from day one, this could have happened. He was trying so hard, but nothing was making me feel better.
Until he told me this; because of the damage to the placenta was so bad and caused such a severe stunt of her growth and development, she would have been in the NICU for at least a year and would probably have had many health problems for life. Even though she had no chromosome abnormalities, she still could have suffered. I never wanted that for her.
While sitting in his office, I remembered what I felt God told me when I was in the hospital with her. One day I asked God if he would please just tell me what was going to happen. If he would tell me whether she was going to make it or not. In that moment I knew He wasn’t going to tell me whether she would live or die but I felt that He knew what was best for our Eisley. I still truly believe that and it brings me comfort knowing she’s with Him, but honestly, it doesn’t take away the deep ache inside of me.
On my drive home, I had my music on shuffle and ‘None But Jesus’ by Hillsong came on. When I heard the line, “In the chaos, in confusion, I know you’re sovereign still”, my heart knew that to be true. Even having walked this road, I feel so strongly that He is still soveriegn. He is still worthy of our praise.
He also knows how deeply our hearts ache. He can handle the difficult questions I have and the times I feel like throwing a temper tantrum and scream “it’s just not fair!” He meets me in my grief and sorrow and let’s me know He is still with me.
I really need to share with you that just because I am saying ‘He is sovereign still’ and ‘He knew best for her’, doesn’t mean I am copping out on how I am feeling. I’m still aching and struggling, and I am still asking Him the hard questions. I am still confused and hurting and upset and wounded and sometimes I feel abandoned by the One I put my trust in.
But I am saying, even though I am walking this hard road, I deeply know, He is still sovereign. I hope I am making sense. I don’t want you to think I am writing and saying I have it all together and am using ‘God is good’ as a way to copp out of how I truly feel. Because I do not have it all together, I’m a pretty big mess right now but I know deep inside, the truth still rings true no matter where I am or how I feel.
And when I say He alone is how I am able to get through this time, I mean that. I was sitting here in my chair the other day thinking again, as I have many times lately, if it weren’t for Him, I don’t know how I would have walked through what we have, I don’t know how I would be walking right now. It doesn’t mean, since He is with me, I am cheery and bubbly-happy and have a huge smile on my face, no. The season I am in, He is with me in my grieving and my sorrow.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16
The follow-up appointment.
Yesterday I had my follow-up appointment where they check to see how I am recovering from giving birth. (Unfortunately Ted wasn’t able to go because of school.)
I was okay until I was a few minutes out from the clinic but the closer I got, the more overwhelmed I became. Was this really happening? All of this? I sometimes feel like I have crawled into someone else’s body. When I had read stories before about mothers losing their babies, I honestly just never thought, “this could someday be me”. You just never expect to this to happen to you. You never expect it and even if you expected this, you’d never be able to prepare for the heartache.
I arrived and made my way up 3 floors to the clinic. I signed in and sat down, feeling sick to my stomach. The waiting room was empty. Thank you, God. (I can handle my close friends who are pregnant, but with strangers I find it hard. Maybe it’s because my close friends know what we’ve walked through and are super sensitive to us in this time.)
I sat where I had sat many times last year in my pregnancy with Chase and read pregnancy magazines, with not a worry in the world. The same spot where this year I had sat many times in my pregnancy with Eisley, where I would try to read a magazine to take my mind of the coming appointment but was usually unable to focus due to the tears. Yesterday, I couldn’t even bring myself to look over at the stack of pregnancy magazines. I just sat, with my head on my hand and took deep breaths so not to cry (I really didn’t want to walk into the appointment a blubbering mess).
Once they called me in and put me in a room to wait for Dr. Hill, the tears began. The nurse handed me a clipboard and had me do a survey-thingy to determine if I might be suffering from postpartum depression and there was a spot which read Baby’s name_________ and I cried as I wrote Eisley Antalya. Dr. Hill came in and hugged me tight. That might sound weird, but it’s really not. I am so grateful for that amazing man. Thank you, God for him.
They did the check up and turns out I am healing great (physically) for having delivered 5 weeks ago today. My muscles are still aching from being on bedrest and unused for so long, but they told me that it is normal and will take much longer to get muscle strength back.
And then something happened that I wasn’t at all prepared for … not that you could prepare, I guess. Dr. Hill also had the results back from the chromosome tests run on Eisley. I am going to share the results here but will blog again soon with how we are doing after hearing the news.
Eisley was absolutely perfect. Nothing was wrong with her. There was no reason other than my placenta alone failed her.
Our Eisley was perfect.
30 days of {truth} (1)
Below are my answers for days 1-4 of the 30 Days of Truth Project. You can read about this project here.
Day 01:: Something you hate about yourself.
What a question to start this with… sheesh ;) The word hate is super strong … but the {truth} is there are things I hate about myself. Not that I should, but I do. I really hate how I’ve let my fears and insecurities hold me back. I know that my fears have held me back from diving into the things which make me who I am, like how God’s gifted me in. I know that my insecurities have kept me literally shut off from the outside world many times. Many times my fear/insecurities have shut me up, held me down, pushed away others… even caused me to deny who He’s created me to be or my creativity… etc. I hate that I shrink back in fear and insecurities a lot of the time.
I also hate how undisciplined I am especially in the area of physical health and a healthy lifestyle.
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Day 02:: Something you love about yourself.
Ah, that’s better. Or is it? (This is where my insecurity comes in to play and my fear of what you’ll think if I share what I love about myself.)
As much as I am fearful and insecure, when I finally do get enough strength and boldness to speak (or let my fingers hit the keyboard), I am real and speak from my heart. That’s why if you have read my blog, you probably feel like you know who I am, even if you don’t know me personally or on a personal level. It’s the same for when I finally do grab my art supplies or craft box, or pick up the camera… I create with my heart.
I love that part of who I am, I just haven’t fully let go of my insecurities/fear yet, but I am working on it.
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Day 03:: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Right now… it’s for having been selfish in the ways I was when I was pregnant with Eisley.
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Day 04:: Something you have to forgive someone for.
My past.
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You can still join in on the 30 Days of Truth project (hosted by Live Beautiful) if you want. :)
The “baby blues” without the baby.
Last night I decided to go off my sleeping pill because I figured since I was already exhausted and it was around 1 when we went to bed, it would work. I wish I could say I was able to sleep well without the sleeping aid. My problem is my mind won’t shut off. One minute I am replaying events then I am crying into my pillow and the next minute I find my heart pounding as I think about the day (that is coming soon) where we get the tests back to let us know what went wrong. I lie awake and feel like I am going crazy and literally can’t fall asleep.
Hence the Ambien. (I never thought I’d need a sleep aid to sleep and I was wrong. It’s hard for me that it’s gotten to this point but it helps right now. If you have a natural alternative please share.)
As I was talking to a friend of mine recently, she reminded me about the “baby blues” you go through after you have a baby. If you’ve had a baby (or are close to someone who has) you probably know the dramatic hormonal changes that occurs when you go from being pregnant to not being pregnant. I know a lot of what I am going through is grief but I know my hormones are contributing as well. I have the “baby blues” without my baby in my arms.
The past few days have been really awful. I feel so broken and some hours, I feel like too broken to move or function. I’ve also fought anger a lot the past week and I find it’s steadily gotten worse. Unfortuneltly, Ted’s felt the brunt of it. I know it’s deeper than the reasons that trigger my reactions.
This morning I woke (took the dogs out, changed and fed Chase) and sat in my favourite chair and journaled. I realized one of the reasons I am so upset, besides the obvious. This is another week without Eisley and to top it off, it’s also the week of my follow up appointment with Dr. Hill. The follow up appointment where typically I would bring baby with to show them off to the receptionist and nurses who’ve seen you prego for months. I know as soon as I walk in the clinic I will probably lose it. It’s going to bring back a lot of really good and really bad memouries.
Memouries of going in with a hopeful heart and leaving feeling broken and discouraged. Over and over again. Revisiting the place where we saw our little girl frequently yet heard things like “50/50 chance”, “failing placenta”, “little growth” or “no growth”, etc.
I actually cancelled the appointment last week and moved it to this week and almost did the same again but realized I am avoiding the inevitable. So now the appointment is at 2 pm (mst) tomorrow. Will you pray for me?
Another prayer request; (this might be TMI so if you happen to be a guy, you should stop) It’s been 5 weeks and my milk is finally… dwindling. The first two and a half weeks were the most painful (physically). Please pray for it to cease all together because it’s another constant reminder she is not here.
The part 5 weeks have been incredibly hard to walk through. This morning I remembered again, it’s not by my strength that I have to get through this. I don’t have the strength. It’s by His strength that we’re able to press on despite everything that is telling us to “give up”. He’s given us deep hope amidst our deepest sorrow.
30 days of {truth}.
Yesterday I heard of this awesome ”30 days of truth” project found here on Live Beautiful. She wrote, “With everything in life going topsy-turvy these days, I figured a good outlined writing prompt would do me some good.” And I agree and thought about giving it a try but then hesitated when I read the questions… whew… and decided against it.
But today on The Paper Mama, I noticed she (and then many others) decided to do this project and put themselves out there, so I decided… why not? I typically love challenges and projects and this one seems deep and … like the perfect timing.
I don’t planning on once a day with each question but I do plan on doing one blog every 2-5 days with a few of the questions answered. I may even break the rules and keep it between my journal and I but then again maybe I will just share all here. Wanna join in? The project started yesterday but you can join in and catch up.
You can read the questions here. I am not crazy about some of them but I love the idea and the challenge of facing some questions we may not want to ask ourselves or may avoid (for me anyways). Hope you’ll join us :)
The Paper Mama Photo Challenge: Fall.
I am really enjoying this inspirational- crafty- artsy-momma over here at The Paper Mama. She does photo challenges and I decided I wanted to join in this time around.
This weeks challenge is fall, so I chose this one I took just last week;
Chase {loves} his dinosaur outfit. It was originally for halloween but he likes it so much, it’s become apart of his wardrobe. In fact, today he wore it while we ran errands and roared (a friendly roar) at strangers in the line at King Soopers. I feel so blessed to have such a cute little dinosaur :)
Often & In Everything.
I talk about Eisley often.
If you were to come to the house, you’d see, I want to talk about her. I would bring her up randomly in our conversation and throughout your stay (or at least, I would want to.) I’d want to show you the her little foot imprints so you can actually get an idea of her size.
I would talk about her often, becasue I think about her so much.
Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me for wanting to talk about her as often as I do so I usually try and stifle the desire to talk about her with everyone. I wonder if something is wrong with me because a lot of what we’ve gone through with her was so shocking and traumatic and yet I want to talk about everything still. I want to talk about my time in the hospital, about when I found out I lost her, about the three days of labor and what I felt, about her birth, about coming home and what that felt like, etc.
As you’ve seen on here, I want to talk. I realized recently why that is.
For one, I am processing through everything and sometimes, I think I am trying so hard to make sense of something that never will. So I talk and write and talk and write.
But I feel like the main reason for wanting to talk about her so often is because I am afraid of losing the memouries of the time I had with her. I am afraid I will forget something. It’s already been one month since her birth and I am afraid of how fast time is flying past. I’m clinging tightly to the time I did have with her.
Even more than I talk about Eisley, I think about her. I think about what life would have been like with her here with us. And a lot of things make me think of her too.
Just in the past few days;
I thought about her when I was in Once Upon a Child and they had an entire section of cute little girly hair barretts and headbands. I thought about her when I was painting my nails timbleberry pink for a wedding and pictured myself painting her little nails too. I thought about her when I took Chase to the pumpkin patch where we took him last year and I thought “Eisley should here with us.” I thought about her when I saw my girlfriend’s 5-month-old daughter, Adylan and remembered how we had talked about Eisley and Adylan being friends. I think about her when I see my belly and sometimes I still catch my hand on my belly as if she were still there, which might sound weird, but when you are pregnant, I don’t think you realize how often you do that. As we drove to our friend’s mountain wedding yesterday, Ted said “There should be two carseats in the back. There should be four of us going to the wedding.” …my heart broke. He thinks about her all of the time too.
Today, I thought about her when I saw this in the newspaper today so I put it in my journal;
I talk about and think of her often and I guess that is what I need right now. It’s hard to live life without her but I will always cherish the time I had with her and I hope to carry on her legacy and be inspired daily by her little life that touched mine so.
Remembering…
Today marks one month since the birth of Eisley. I can’t even believe it’s been one month…
Everything in me wishes I could be posting photos of my little girl from her one month photoshoot. Typically one month would be filled with learning every little thing we can about our daughter. Enjoying her every coo and facial expressions and of course sharing them with you.
Instead it’s been one month of inner turmoil, one month of the reality of the loss of our daughter sinking in with each day, one month of letting go of the dreams we had for our Eisley, etc.
This morning I noticed a tweet by a friend on mine. She noted that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day where we “remember all babies born sleeping or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but couldn’t take home, or the ones that came home but didn’t stay. “
Throughout our journey with Eisley, I’ve met or heard of many who’ve walked a similar road as me. One where we’ve lost a child. It breaks my heart that we have that in common.
When I heard that today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day, I wanted to write a post recognizing your loss if you’ve lost a child. And if you haven’t (and I pray you never will) to cherish your time with your babies (in the womb or out).
We’ll see you again soon little ones and until then we are holding that hope very near to our hearts.
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will {rest} in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
(Glory Baby by Watermark)
Have you lost a little one? If you want to, please comment so I can be thinking of you. Much love mommas (& daddys).
the little dinosaur.
I found this little guy running around in the leaves almost everyday this week…
we decided since he is pretty cute and doesn’t bite too hard
we’d keep him :)
isn’t he the {cutest} little dinosaur you’ve ever seen?
a voice.
(quote from ‘I Will Carry You’ by Angie Smith)
