30 days of {truth} (3)

Tonight, I’m playing a little catch up on the 30 days of {truth} challenge. 

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.

Welp… the tough days are definetly here right now and I’ve been listening a lot to ‘Your Hands’ by JJ Heller and Mumford and Sons (especially ‘After the Storm’).

Day 14: A hero that has let you down.

This might be a little controversial, not because I’m trying to be…I really hope it’s not. I actually looked up the definition and to “let someone down” means to “fail to support”. So I am going to change it up a little bit because my hero hasn’t let me down but has disappointed me.

 So…”A hero that has disappointed you”

Here is the my {truth}.

The hero who has disappointed me is my God. Let me first say, He is my hero still. He will always be my saviour and my hero forevermore. But the {truth} is that sometimes I feel so disappointed by Him.

Right now I feel so disappointed that my Eisley-girl isn’t here in my arms. That her little heart stopped beating. I am disappointed that the healing I prayed so deeply for, didn’t happen in the way I hoped it would. I feel disappointed that I don’t get to see her smile, hear her laugh, feel her kisses, etc.

I’m deeply disappointed and He’s knows this, He’s heard my cries. Thankfully He can handle hearing my cries of confusion, of anger and of disappointment.

He disappoints sometimes, in the things I hope for, but  He’s never let me go.  He’s never even “let me down” and “failed to support” me.

One of the things I have learned throughout everything we’ve gone through with Eisley (not saying He did this to teach me a lesson), something that before I never understood, is that even in our deepest sorrow and disappointment He is still trustworthy.

I believe, even with my broken heart, that this is the {truth}.

Father, You are still trustworthy.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  2 Cor. 14:16-18

30 days of {truth} (2)

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

There are many things, so I will just go with the first that popped in my mind when I read this question. You might be tired of hearing me talk about Eisley, but right now she’s always on my mind/heart and this is my reality… I just hope you understand and bear with me.

I hope to be a “voice for my daughter and to use what I have walked through to bring others to Him” (‘I Will Carry You’ by Angie Smith). Honestly, I’ve been really down and out lately. I know that I can still be her voice, even in this state that I’m in, but what I desire is to carry on her voice and her legacy and to be inspired to live life to the fullest. I hope to be inspired every day by how much she touched my life.

When I found out I was pregnant with Eisley, I was so inspired to do all of these things I had been hoping to learn. Her little life inspired me from early on. I signed up for an online sewing class, I began a new art journal, I made a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish by the time I am 25 (25 by 25 list), I had begun learning to cook healthy meals, etc.( When I was pregnant with Chase there were specific things that inspired me as well, but they were a different set of inspirations then that with Eisley.)

Carrying a life inside  inspired me to really live to the fullest and I guess what I am trying to say is that how Eisley inspired me, even before I felt her within me, when I was pregnant with her… I want to continue in that. I want to be inspired by her life even though she isn’t in my arms. She has changed my life forever and I hope to carry on her legacy, to be her voice and to be inspired every day by how much she touched my life.

____________________________________________________

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Lose another precious child.

____________________________________________________

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

From the beginning, my mom has truly taught me so much about life and how to keep pressing on “despite”. My mom was 6 months pregnant with me when she lost my dad. She’s walked through SO much in her life and she has taught me so much in my 23 years. Where so many people would have given up, she pressed on. Now as I’ve walked through losing my daughter, she has been beside me throughout everything, encouraging me and helping me rememeber that life is still worth living for.  My mom has “made my life worth living for” by teaching and showing me that no matter what might happen, life IS still worth living and pressing into.

There are manypeople that God keeps placing people in my life and each of them inspire me in different ways. So many loved ones… and I know the list will grow as I grow older. :)

____________________________________________________

You can read more about this 30 days of truth challenge and what it’s all about here. I actually won’t be doing days 8-10 for personal reasons but I will be posting days 11+ sometime later this week :)

30 days of {truth} (1)

Below are my answers for days 1-4 of the 30 Days of Truth Project. You can read about this project here.

Day 01:: Something you hate about yourself.

What a question to start this with… sheesh ;) The word hate is super strong … but the {truth} is there are things I hate about myself. Not that I should, but I do. I really hate how I’ve let my fears and insecurities hold me back. I know that my fears have held me back from diving into the things which make me who I am, like how God’s gifted me in. I know that my insecurities have kept me literally shut off from the outside world many times. Many times my fear/insecurities have shut me up, held me down, pushed away others… even caused me to deny who He’s created me to be or my creativity… etc. I hate that I shrink back in fear and insecurities a lot of the time.

I also hate how undisciplined I am especially in the area of physical health and a healthy lifestyle.

________________________________________________________

Day 02:: Something you love about yourself.

Ah, that’s better. Or is it? (This is where my insecurity comes in to play and my fear of what you’ll think if I share what I love about myself.)

As much as I am fearful and insecure, when I finally do get enough strength and boldness to speak (or let my fingers hit the keyboard), I am real and speak from my heart. That’s why if you have read my blog, you probably feel like you know who I am, even if you don’t know me personally or on a personal level. It’s the same for when I finally do grab my art supplies or craft box, or pick up the camera… I create with my heart.

I love that part of who I am, I just haven’t fully let go of my insecurities/fear yet, but I am working on it.

________________________________________________________

Day 03:: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Right now… it’s for having been selfish in the ways I was when I was pregnant with Eisley.

________________________________________________________

Day 04:: Something you have to forgive someone for.

My past.

________________________________________________________

You can still join in on the 30 Days of Truth project (hosted by Live Beautiful) if you want. :)

30 days of {truth}.

Yesterday I heard of this awesome “30 days of truth” project found here on Live Beautiful. She wrote, “With everything in life going topsy-turvy these days, I figured a good outlined writing prompt would do me some good.” And I agree and thought about giving it a try but then hesitated when I read the questions… whew… and decided against it.

But today on The Paper Mama, I noticed she (and then many others) decided to do this project and put themselves out there, so I decided… why not? I typically love challenges and projects and this one seems deep and … like the perfect timing.

I don’t planning on once a day with each question but I do plan on doing one blog every 2-5 days with a few of the questions answered. I may even break the rules and keep it between my journal and I but then again maybe I will just share all here. Wanna join in? The project started yesterday but you can join in and catch up.

You can read the questions here. I am not crazy about some of them but I love the idea and the challenge of facing some questions we may not want to ask ourselves or may avoid (for me anyways). Hope you’ll join us :)