The “baby blues” without the baby.

Last night I decided to go off my sleeping pill because I figured since I was already exhausted and it was around 1 when we went to bed, it would work. I wish I could say I was able to sleep well without the sleeping aid. My problem is my mind won’t shut off. One minute I am replaying events then I am crying into my pillow and the next minute I find my heart pounding as I think about the day (that is coming soon) where we get the tests back to let us know what went wrong. I lie awake and feel like I am going crazy and literally can’t fall asleep.

Hence the Ambien. (I never thought I’d need a sleep aid to sleep and I was wrong. It’s hard for me that it’s gotten to this point but it helps right now. If you have a natural alternative please share.)

As I was talking to a friend of mine recently, she reminded me about the “baby blues” you go through after you have a baby. If you’ve had a baby (or are close to someone who has) you  probably know the dramatic hormonal changes that occurs when you go from being pregnant to not being pregnant. I know a lot of what I am going through is grief but I know my hormones are contributing as well. I have the “baby blues” without my baby in my arms.

The past few days have been really awful.  I feel so broken and some hours, I feel like too broken to move or function. I’ve also fought anger a lot the past week and I find it’s steadily gotten worse. Unfortuneltly, Ted’s felt the brunt of it. I know it’s deeper than the reasons that trigger my reactions.

This morning I woke (took the dogs out, changed and fed Chase) and sat in my favourite chair and journaled. I realized one of the reasons I am so upset, besides the obvious. This is another week without Eisley and to top it off, it’s also the week of my follow up appointment with Dr. Hill. The follow up appointment where typically I would bring baby with to show them off to the receptionist and nurses who’ve seen you prego for months. I know as soon as I walk in the clinic I will probably lose it. It’s going to bring back a lot of really good and really bad memouries.

Memouries of going in with a hopeful heart and leaving feeling broken and discouraged. Over and over again. Revisiting the place where we saw our little girl frequently yet heard things like “50/50 chance”, “failing placenta”, “little growth” or “no growth”, etc.

I actually cancelled the appointment last week and moved it to this week and almost did the same again but realized I am avoiding the inevitable. So now the appointment is at 2 pm (mst) tomorrow. Will you pray for me?

Another prayer request; (this might be TMI so if you happen to be a guy, you should stop) It’s been 5 weeks and my milk is finally… dwindling. The first two and a half weeks were the most painful (physically). Please pray for it to cease all together because it’s another constant reminder she is not here.

The part 5 weeks have been incredibly hard to walk through. This morning I remembered again, it’s not by my strength that I have to get through this. I don’t have the strength. It’s by His strength that we’re able to press on despite everything that is telling us to “give up”. He’s given us deep hope amidst our deepest sorrow.