Pregnancy After Loss {Part 1}: two pink lines & the feelings that followed.
March 4th, 2011- I ran to the grocery around 6 am and bought pregnancy tests and tampons; I knew it was one of the two. I headed home with this gut feeling but with a hope that maybe I was wrong. I could barely sleep the night before, out of fear that I was right, that I was a week late because I was pregnant again. We had planned on trying for another little one late summer, after I’d gotten to a healthy weight and place. I had just finished week 3 in a program called TurboFire and really wanted to be healthy and fit before I got pregnant again. I still had 17 weeks to go before I thought I’d ever have to “prepare” my heart and mind for another pregnancy. So according to our “plan”… there was just no way I could be pregnant.
I hurried home and used one test and watched with fear and utter shock as two pink lines showed up immediately. I was pregnant again?! …6 months after losing Eisley, I was pregnant again. How could I be pregnant so soon and while I’m still grieving?! I slapped my hand over my mouth and started panicking. I paced around the bathroom for a while and then ripped open another test and used it. Again, two pink lines.
I ran to our room where Ted and Chase were still sound asleep and woke Ted. I told him I had taken two tests and that I was pregnant again (I had warned him the night before I would be doing getting tests). As I shared we were pregnant again, I looked up at the wall beside our bed to see a photo of Eisley and me. Suddenly, I couldn’t breath. I began to panic. Memouries flooded my mind, the fear overwhelming. Ted sat up quickly and told me to calm down, for the baby, which made me freak out a little more. There was another little baby inside of me… so soon after Eisley’s death. I had another little one to take care or, to worry for…Ted finally calmed me down and just held me. I asked him how we were going to do this. He told me he was excited and that it would be probably be terrifying and bring up a lot of memouries but that we can do this. He believed, from the beginning, that this pregnancy would like it was with Chase.
I hoped, with everything in me, that he was right but the fear swept in much faster and swifter than the hope stayed…
Part 2 coming soon.
I think it’s really brave of you to share this with your blog readers. Although I barely read English blogs, in some way this one got my attention because of your nice writing style and what I guess is the real you. Thanks for sharing.
A friend of mine lost her baby soon after birth and then was pregnant again only 7 months later. She was terrified but it all ended up wonderful. They now have a beautiful, healthy baby girl named Brooklyn and they are all doing so well.
This is very touching, and I think it’s brave of you also – emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Ted and your loving family make such an amazing support system as well. These are the experiences that make us stronger, and give us more hope and faith. Wishing the best for you and your wonderful little family!
I love you.. xo
I’m sending you good vibes! I hope you feel the tremendous support of your readers.
All the best,
Karla
Love you dear friend! Thank you for sharing these raw, real, moments! My prayers continue {always}…
i’m more proud of you than i could say. i love you.