Pregnancy After Loss {Part 1}: two pink lines & the feelings that followed.

March 4th, 2011- I ran to the grocery around 6 am and bought pregnancy tests and tampons; I knew it was one of the two. I headed home with this gut feeling but with a hope that maybe I was wrong. I could barely sleep the night before, out of fear that I was right, that I was a week late because I was pregnant again. We had planned on trying for another little one late summer, after I’d gotten to a healthy weight and place. I had just finished week 3 in a program called TurboFire and really wanted to be healthy and fit before I got pregnant again. I still had 17 weeks to go before I thought I’d ever have to “prepare” my heart and mind for another pregnancy. So according to our “plan”… there was just no way I could be pregnant.

I hurried home and used one test and watched with fear and utter shock as two pink lines showed up immediately. I was pregnant again?! …6 months after losing Eisley, I was pregnant again. How could I be pregnant so soon and while I’m still grieving?! I slapped my hand over my mouth and started panicking. I paced around the bathroom for a while and then ripped open another test and used it. Again, two pink lines.

I ran to our room where Ted and Chase were still sound asleep and woke Ted. I told him I had taken two tests and that I was pregnant again (I had warned him the night before I would be doing getting tests). As I shared we were pregnant again, I looked up at the wall beside our bed to see a photo of Eisley and me. Suddenly, I couldn’t breath. I began to panic. Memouries flooded my mind, the fear overwhelming. Ted sat up quickly and told me to calm down, for the baby, which made me freak out a little more. There was another little baby inside of me… so soon after Eisley’s death. I had another little one to take care or, to worry for…Ted finally calmed me down and just held me. I asked him how we were going to do this. He told me he was excited and that it would be probably be terrifying and bring up a lot of memouries but that we can do this. He believed, from the beginning, that this pregnancy would like it was with Chase.

I hoped, with everything in me, that he was right but the fear swept in much faster and swifter than the hope stayed…

Part 2 coming soon.