Pregnancy #3 {Part 2}: Paralyzing Fear.

If interested, you can read  part 1 here.

The very moment we found out we were pregnant with another little one the fear set in. Every day I was a wreck. My fear was paralyzing me, almost quite literally (with the major exception of a super active boy) and the anxiety within me would ruin any hope that my heart wanted to have. Ted would come home from work or school to find me… and our home… a mess.

For a while I told myself and those around me that my reason for not doing much was because I was so sick and exhausted from pregnancy. Yes, that was partly true but I also knew that a lot of why I wasn’t moving, why I wasn’t doing things I love and brought me hope, why I wasn’t even doing things that I should be doing… was out of fear.

At 8 weeks I had to make the trip to Dr. Hill’s office to have the first checkup on the baby. I walked in his office feeling so nauseous, fearful and shaken up. They put me in the room to wait for him and I began to cry and shake. I couldn’t do this. The last time I had an ultrasound, I was a few days away from 7 months pregnant with Eisley (one week away from potentially delivering her) and they showed me the most devastating thing a mother could see. My baby girl’s heart had stopped beating. The memouries came flooding back and I almost couldn’t handle even being there. When Dr. Hill came in he did the ultrasound and I saw a tiny little baby the size of a bean, wriggling around and when he shared the heartbeat aloud. I cried the entire time.

Even after seeing his swift heartbeat, I allowed myself to sink so quickly into fearing for this baby. And even though I had heard and knew this would be “normal” for a momma who lost a child, it was worse than I’d ever imagined.

There was a part of me, of course, that wanted to hope and trust and believe with everything in me that this baby will be in my arms, healthy and breathing. Of course, I wanted to hope for that. However, with everything we’ve walked through, I feel it would be incredibly ignorant to not remember the reality. I can’t even forget that reality that we’re faced with everyday. I began to believe very fatalistically. I’d constantly dwell on the reality that any given moment I could begin bleeding, I could lose this baby, despite how “good” the heartbeat sounded just the week before, despite how everything was going thus far…

When people who knew we were pregnant would hang out with us or talk with me about this little one, I would say things like, “IF we get to November…” or things like “IF we can carry this baby full term…” I remember one night we had a whole group of friends over and afterwards Ted sat me down and had a serious talk with me. He was so sad and weary of hearing me speak so fatalistically. He wanted to see me hope again and believe that this could happen. He felt so strongly that this pregnancy would be just like it was with Chase.

Not long after our talk I had a major breakdown. I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and the fear was unbearable for my mind. I couldn’t move from the couch besides helping Chase or getting him out of trouble. I laid on my left side and drank a ton of water (both of which I did with Eisley because they were what could help her). I never even got Chase out of the house for most of my first bit of pregnancy.  Most days, I couldn’t even get myself to the shower. I was depressed, fearful, full of anxiety and worry. I didn’t believe in myself. I’d, once again, convinced myself that I was to blame for Eisley’s death and that maybe if I did everything “perfectly” with this pregnancy things would be different.

One huge struggle I have had with believing I had failed Eisley, that my body had failed her, was with this little one, not knowing what it was that I really could do differently. They never gave me a solid reason for why my placenta clotted and why it pulled away from the uterine wall. There wasn’t something they could pin point and say “Do this differently next time.” Nothing. So imagine my fear of doing anything.

The road to 13 weeks was incredibly daunting. At 13 weeks with my sweet Eisley-girl, I had begun bleeding. At 12 weeks with this little one, I had to see the specialist I saw weekly with Eisley. Talk about traumatic experiences… I’m still working through my times in her office when I was pregnant with Eisley.

The thought of returning to her office was more than I thought I could handle. Having rarely ever heard or seen our fetal medicine specialist speak positively or with hope, I only feared the worst…

Part 3 coming soon with how it was to walk back into the specialists, facing week 13 and how I felt in learning this little one’s gender.

Pregnancy After Loss {Part 1}: two pink lines & the feelings that followed.

March 4th, 2011- I ran to the grocery around 6 am and bought pregnancy tests and tampons; I knew it was one of the two. I headed home with this gut feeling but with a hope that maybe I was wrong. I could barely sleep the night before, out of fear that I was right, that I was a week late because I was pregnant again. We had planned on trying for another little one late summer, after I’d gotten to a healthy weight and place. I had just finished week 3 in a program called TurboFire and really wanted to be healthy and fit before I got pregnant again. I still had 17 weeks to go before I thought I’d ever have to “prepare” my heart and mind for another pregnancy. So according to our “plan”… there was just no way I could be pregnant.

I hurried home and used one test and watched with fear and utter shock as two pink lines showed up immediately. I was pregnant again?! …6 months after losing Eisley, I was pregnant again. How could I be pregnant so soon and while I’m still grieving?! I slapped my hand over my mouth and started panicking. I paced around the bathroom for a while and then ripped open another test and used it. Again, two pink lines.

I ran to our room where Ted and Chase were still sound asleep and woke Ted. I told him I had taken two tests and that I was pregnant again (I had warned him the night before I would be doing getting tests). As I shared we were pregnant again, I looked up at the wall beside our bed to see a photo of Eisley and me. Suddenly, I couldn’t breath. I began to panic. Memouries flooded my mind, the fear overwhelming. Ted sat up quickly and told me to calm down, for the baby, which made me freak out a little more. There was another little baby inside of me… so soon after Eisley’s death. I had another little one to take care or, to worry for…Ted finally calmed me down and just held me. I asked him how we were going to do this. He told me he was excited and that it would be probably be terrifying and bring up a lot of memouries but that we can do this. He believed, from the beginning, that this pregnancy would like it was with Chase.

I hoped, with everything in me, that he was right but the fear swept in much faster and swifter than the hope stayed…

Part 2 coming soon.