The “baby blues” without the baby.

Last night I decided to go off my sleeping pill because I figured since I was already exhausted and it was around 1 when we went to bed, it would work. I wish I could say I was able to sleep well without the sleeping aid. My problem is my mind won’t shut off. One minute I am replaying events then I am crying into my pillow and the next minute I find my heart pounding as I think about the day (that is coming soon) where we get the tests back to let us know what went wrong. I lie awake and feel like I am going crazy and literally can’t fall asleep.

Hence the Ambien. (I never thought I’d need a sleep aid to sleep and I was wrong. It’s hard for me that it’s gotten to this point but it helps right now. If you have a natural alternative please share.)

As I was talking to a friend of mine recently, she reminded me about the “baby blues” you go through after you have a baby. If you’ve had a baby (or are close to someone who has) you  probably know the dramatic hormonal changes that occurs when you go from being pregnant to not being pregnant. I know a lot of what I am going through is grief but I know my hormones are contributing as well. I have the “baby blues” without my baby in my arms.

The past few days have been really awful.  I feel so broken and some hours, I feel like too broken to move or function. I’ve also fought anger a lot the past week and I find it’s steadily gotten worse. Unfortuneltly, Ted’s felt the brunt of it. I know it’s deeper than the reasons that trigger my reactions.

This morning I woke (took the dogs out, changed and fed Chase) and sat in my favourite chair and journaled. I realized one of the reasons I am so upset, besides the obvious. This is another week without Eisley and to top it off, it’s also the week of my follow up appointment with Dr. Hill. The follow up appointment where typically I would bring baby with to show them off to the receptionist and nurses who’ve seen you prego for months. I know as soon as I walk in the clinic I will probably lose it. It’s going to bring back a lot of really good and really bad memouries.

Memouries of going in with a hopeful heart and leaving feeling broken and discouraged. Over and over again. Revisiting the place where we saw our little girl frequently yet heard things like “50/50 chance”, “failing placenta”, “little growth” or “no growth”, etc.

I actually cancelled the appointment last week and moved it to this week and almost did the same again but realized I am avoiding the inevitable. So now the appointment is at 2 pm (mst) tomorrow. Will you pray for me?

Another prayer request; (this might be TMI so if you happen to be a guy, you should stop) It’s been 5 weeks and my milk is finally… dwindling. The first two and a half weeks were the most painful (physically). Please pray for it to cease all together because it’s another constant reminder she is not here.

The part 5 weeks have been incredibly hard to walk through. This morning I remembered again, it’s not by my strength that I have to get through this. I don’t have the strength. It’s by His strength that we’re able to press on despite everything that is telling us to “give up”. He’s given us deep hope amidst our deepest sorrow.

6 thoughts on “The “baby blues” without the baby.

  1. shjandemaar says:

    Hey you, i just thought i would give my little sleep remedy, if it may help. I have always struggled with my sleep, either totally sleepless and mind going OR i have terrible dreams and night terrors. Over the last two years they have gotten worse and the only, ONLY thing that helps is this. I have Dan lay hands on me and pray for my sleep, and before i try to fall asleep i pray for and bind my THOUGHTS IMAGINATION and WILL to Jesus to hold for the night. My imagination really takes off at night in bad ways and its one of the only things that helps. Its worth a try right..?

    Praying for you and your sleep, and everything else :)


  2. Susan says:

    so happy that you are able to be free with your feelings here. my prayers continue to be with you. i can just see the father holding you in His hands speaking words of comfort and peace.

    i think there’s a natural sleep aid called melatonin. i don’t know much about it but i’m sure you could look it up and get more info online somewhere.


  3. Mary says:

    You know I am praying for you Jami. My heart aches for you. I can give you some ideas for natural remedies for sleep. Hops, passionflower, lemon balm, skullcap, chamomile and valerian root are all great sleep remedies. Valerians worked extremley well for me in the past.
    Also anger is a part of greiving. When we lost Abigail I got angry about things that I shouldnt have. I was angry at my sister in law for being pregnant (we had been pregnant together) even though it was SO unfair. God did take that away from me. This time after losing this baby, I went for my followup checkup and I wanted to throw the ultrasound wand through the window. I felt so angry at it. It is part of the greiving process. I encourage you to talk it out. And pour your heart and ALL your feelings, thoughts, questions to Jesus. He is there.
    I will pray for you tomorrow. You will get through this Jami. And God can use all things for His good purpose. Hard to understand right now. I am so sorry you lost your little girl. I truly love you as a sister in Christ, across this strange internet thing. You arent alone and you are very loved. As is Eisley. I wish there was more I could do or say to comfort you.


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