shatter, shatter, pause, repeat.
(Eisley’s ornament for 2010)
Shatter, shatter, pause, repeat.
Sometimes the “shattering” is so deafening I just want to climb into bed and sleep the days away so not to deal with any of this. This probably seems incredibly dramatic, but it’s the honest-to-goodness truth.
Before our sweet girl passed away, I would have break downs, but never fully shattered because I had {hope} that she would live. September 14th so began the shattering …and it didn’t end there. It follows me and sneaks up on me as I’m reminded of dreams we had for Eisley, or even in the little things, like today when I watching Chase play by himself in the bath.
There is an Eisley shaped hole everywhere I look, in everything we do.
I’m walking a road I’ve never walked before this year; the road of mourning the death of a loved one. I’m 23-years-old and this is the first time I have lost a loved one. I was still in the womb when my biological father passed away and even though it did affect me growing up, I still didn’t feel loss in such a way as I do now. I lost my great-grandfather when I was 2 and honestly I don’t remember much. I’ve stood beside my husband as he grieved the death of his friend Phil, which was heart wrenching for me but in such a different way. I still have all my great grandmothers, all of my grandparents, my siblings, my friends, etc.
My first time ever losing a loved one and I’ve lost my daughter, my Eisley. It’s completely overwhelming that I sometimes wonder how people survive after loss. Some days I struggle wondering if I will ever be able to move forward. I struggle with not letting my mind go to the “what ifs”. There is just SO much that swirls through my mind, so many questions…. Will I always grieve? Will this ache ever cease? Do I really want it to? What would life have been like with Eisley? Should I even go there? Will I be the voice I want to be for my daughter? ETC.
Or things like, How do you cope with seeing reminders so often? How do you rejoice in others joys as you ache so deeply? How do you respond with someone downplays what you went through? How do you respond to people who wonder why we’re still grieving, as if Eisley wasn’t a life?
Or things like how I’ve overreacted; to people who didn’t say a word to us throughout everything, like how I, the very day I got home from the hospital, deleted a lot of people from my friends on facebook just because they didn’t say a word to us. Or how I’ve allowed reading/hearing things affect me to the point I was in tears. Or how I’ve taken certain things people have said directly/indirectly to us when their heart intentions were probably pure.
I’m learning a lot right now, in my first time walking through loss.
It’s. so. so. so. overwhelming.
My mom just called me as I was blogging this and asked me how I was doing after the let down after the holidays. Oh…that might partly explain the sudden overwhelming I-don’t-wanna-get-out-of-bed feeling I had this morning.
I’ve been so busy making gifts for the past month at least, I’ve had a dear friend visit me and my mother-in-law come to town for a week, 3 Christmas celebrations, etc. It’s been busy, busy, busy and now it’s all calmed down. I never once felt completely okay over the holiday, but I also kept busy (sometimes intentionally) because I knew it would be hard to just sit still. I didn’t really think of after the holiday. I didn’t expect waking up this morning to be so difficult.
Bleh.
In November, I found myself in this pivotal moment where I knew if I didn’t pick myself up… I might never. So I began creating things for fall and Thanksgiving, and suddenly realized how therapeutic it was for me. I can’t explain it fully but it was so very healing. I realized that it was helping me and kept going and decided instead of giving up my goal of creating handmade Christmas gifts, that I would try. And I did it and it was {so} good for me.
All that to say, I’ve decided I am opening a Etsy store because creating is so very therapeutic for me. I feel like this is a really good outlet. I am hoping to get my Etsy store going soon. I think I need to because it’s healing. (Maybe it was perfect that I didn’t get the 2 nanny jobs I interviewed for?)
One thing that will help me immensely in the area of creating are a few of the gifts I received this year… I was pretty shocked to get a Cricut and a sewing machine plus Hobby Lobby and Joann Fabric gift cards! It’s so perfect and the best timing!
Please pray for me all around?
Thanks for loving me, even in my all over the place state.
Love, Jami
p.s. I’m doing a small giveaway on my blog this week. I will be posting it in the next two days and will announce the winner on 1.1.11!
I love you friend!
Dear Jami,
My heart is so heavy for you. Please know you are never far from my thoughts and always in my prayers.
More love than I could ever express, Teri
You’re so incredible. This store is going to be amazing for you, and a gift to all those who get to see and experience your amazing creativity. I pray you are able to let your heart shatter as many times as you need to.
Holy cow, cricut, sewing machine and craft cards?!?! Amazing, James. You have all the tools you need to make this world a more beautiful place, and I can’t wait to see where your creativity takes you.
Love you.
This is hard for me to say, and I hope I find the right words. I was one when my older brother died, he was two. My mother and father split up and we went with my mother when it happened. Unlike you, she was a terrible mother, and it was actually her fault that my brother died. She left us in her “apartment”, or hotel while she went to “work”, and my brother climbed out of his crib. Long story short, he got into some trouble in the apartment and died. My father loved both of us so much and when my brother died, he let the grief overwhelm him, and me in the process. It really made it hard for me because he didn’t allow himself to process what happened and find a way to carry on. I’m telling you this because I don’t want the same thing to happen to you. I don’t remember anything that happened in that hotel, but I can never forget it because of seeing my father the way he was while I was growing up. I know it must be so painful and I often cry just thinking about something happening to one of my children when I watch the news or read something online or in a book. I don’t know what I would do and I doubt I would stay sane, but for your son’s sake, remember to hold on while you grieve, and remember that he deserves the same joy as Eisley. I’m sorry if any of this sounded bad or hurtful, I’m not trying to sound that way, but I just felt like I had to say this. From one daughter, and mother to another, I pray for you and wish you healing.
Losing someone you love is a terrible road to walk. The pain sneaks up on you when you least expect it even years later, BUT GOD gives grace and he gives strength and he walks with us. I can’t imagine how you feel losing your baby girl, so I pray double God’s grace, strength and presence with you and Ted. Our hearts are with yours forever…not just when the grief is so raw. We will walk this road with you even years from now and we will never forget your sweet little Eisley girl.
thank you for being so real and honest with where you’re at. grieving is a process and you have to just let it flow how it needs to. i love that creating things is helping you in the process. it’s also a beautiful way of carrying on eisley’s legacy- through new inspiration and new things being made! can’t wait to see all the beautiful things you dream up. :)
you are so loved Jami. :) My heart hurts for you…
on another note…I think I might be a permanent Etsy customer of yours! ;) Way to go girl!
You will heal. You will grow in love. Remember that God knows best and his will will be done.
Loving you…
I am almost twice as old as you and I can’t begin to express how your writings and expressions of each emotional ripple you are experiencing has impacted me. You have a beautiful gift in your writing and my heart aches at your loss. Thanks for sharing your honesty and trusting us with your story. You really are loved.