I have this deep welling up in me. I constantly feel like my body aches. I know it’s more mental and emotional but sometimes when I cry I just reach for my heart, as if it’s physical. As if I could ease the ache.
This is grief. And no matter how hard I try, there aren’t words to even describe the feeling inside of me… inside of Ted.
When I journal or I talk with friends or family, or when I blog or even when I pray… it’s hard to find the words. You might be thinking. “Seriously?!” because of how often I write here and how much I say. But the words, the words to describe this ache… there just aren’t words to express or portray even the slightest bit of how we ache inside.
When people asked me how I’m doing, I get this sudden lump in my throat and heat in my stomach and I literally have to fight the tears. I have this deep welling up inside that isn’t satisfied even by weeping (or writing, talking, singing…).
Yesterday, I realized a few really significant things for Ted and I.
First let me just say, I was really amazed at the response to my blog the “what ifs”. I knew being so raw and vunerable could leave people wondering why I would even share so much or even have people judge me. Honestly, I just didn’t care because I’ve shared where I am at this entire time and that day, I just really wanted to share.
In the responses to “the what ifs” post I received via email, facebook/twitter messages, here or a text message… I was in tears. Most of you would say “He knows” or “He knew” and things which spoke deeply to my heart. I know some of what was spoken to me was straight from the heart of God.
He knows (our ache, our hearts, our struggles, etc)
He loves us.
And we are clinging to that right now.
We were visiting our dear friends the Cobbs yesterday and as we were about to leave we remembered the time their little girl (3) prayed for Chase who was screaming (teething). All she said was, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…” over and over. It was the most precious prayer, whispering his name over and over. My friend, Kat told us that they actually pray that way often because sometimes you just can’t find the words.
I love that and it rings so true in our lives. Sometimes, words aren’t enough. Right now, we can’t even find the words to speak even when we pray because this ache is so deep and overwhelming.
When I am weeping and crying out I can barely utter what my heart feels… but He knows. He knows my ache… Ted’s ache.
You might know those times (I think we’ve all been there at one point or another) when words aren’t enough. But He knows.
“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus… be with us now”