Even before we lost Eisley I struggled with the “what ifs” and now that she is gone, they haunt me even more. If I wake up in the night my mind just messes with me so much which to be honest, is part of the reason I can’t sleep without Ambien for the first time in my life.
One of my favourite nurses would talk with me about the “what ifs” and how they could come to haunt me and how I would need to battle them with truth. The truth is, I feel like the what ifs are the truth. Right now I don’t think there is one person that could talk me out of that.
I am trying to feel what I need to feel. Sometimes it is guilt. Right now I feel immense guilt.
I struggle the most with wondering about the week and a half they gave me the okay to be up and around because they thought we were in the clear (I was 17 weeks and had stopped bleeding and at that point she was right on track). Because I had been on bed rest for almost 5 weeks at that point when they told me I was free to walk around, I overdid it. I took Chase out everyday to a park or outside or shopping. I Chased him around at the spray park. I overdid it and I wish I could take that week and a half back because that week and a half meant everything to her.
I struggle wondering if I didn’t stay on my left side often enough and when I would wake up at night sometimes I would be on my back and panic because I knew it wasn’t good for her. When I would go to bed at night, I would turn to fall asleep on my right side “because it was easier for me to fall asleep on my right side”. I regret being so selfish.
(Side note: They gave me an order of positions for best blood flow to the baby. The best position was on my left side, then my right side, then my back, then sitting, then standing. When I went to the hospital the totally cut out lying on my back, sitting up and standing.)
I wonder about my time that I was home and on bed rest. She barely grew then and it was my fault. You can try to talk me out of it, but I know it was. I would struggle asking my family to do everything for me and for Chase and I would get up to do a “quick diaper change” or to get a glass of water or make a “quick meal”… I regret being so stubborn and not asking for help for everything.
I also really struggle when I think back to the days that I sobbed with her inside of me. I know she could hear me and she could feel me shaking. I only did it twice when I was pregnant with her, but twice may have been too many times. I remember that Thursday before she passed away I had a horrible day. I was terrified of losing her and cried throughout the day. One of my nurses (who was with me that day I cried so much) told me after I lost Eisley, that she could see a change in me the day I cried. It made me wonder if I gave up hope … and I struggle with that right now too. I had never hoped for something as much as I had for her life… yet that day, I was terrified and feared I would lose her. Did I give up? Was one day of weeping too much for her?
The only thing I feel I did right was the amount of water I drank and how I totally cut out caffeine and all other beverages. But that is the only thing I feel I did 100% right.
I also struggle knowing that my placenta may have failed her (we don’t know for sure what happened yet, placenta or chromosome, the tests come back in a few weeks… as if it could make things better…) I am always battling, wondering if there was something more I could have done. Everyday I wonder.
She was so perfect and it just doesn’t make sense or add up. What happened? What went wrong? Could I have done more? All of these questions are haunting me right now. I will probably never know and that is so very hard. But I know that I wish I would have seen the severity of everything from day one. I knew something was wrong, but I wish I would have done more…
I am really struggling today… lately… this week has been incredibly difficult. I’ve felt so guilty this week and have shut down emotionally more than I know is healthy. I want to feel what I need to feel, so if it’s guilt I need to feel, then so be it. I just don’t want to become numb and let the loss of Eisley be one that changes me negatively forever. I want her life to change mine for the best. I want to carry on her legacy and the trust and hope I had in Him throughout everything.
Right now, I am struggling and I am asking you to pray for me to know how to handle this guilt in the best way.
I always wonder if I contributed negatively more than I helped her. I feel like I failed, I feel solely responsible even if it was the placenta because it’s my body that did this to her, it was my body that failed her. I wish I would have protected her more. I wish I could rewind and try harder.
I would change oh so many things to have my Eisley here in my arms.