2010: beautiful, tragic.

I’ve been reading around on blogs lately, asking you to sum up the year 2010 in a few words or even just one… and I truly feel like I can’t sum it up in just a few words. Or maybe it’s more that if I do sum it up in one word, I would be leaving out so much that I really don’t want to. If that makes sense? Anyways, I guess this is my end of the year post, I’ve already unloaded 15 pages into my journal so don’t worry I won’t be doing that here! ;) I’ll try to sum it up the best I can.

(just last year)

When 2010 came around, I remember being so excited, maybe more so than any year before, for a few (summed up) reasons;

One, because we were beginning the year as new parents. Each new month with Chase was exciting, watching his little personality shine more and more with each month, learning every little thing about him and who he was. Figuring out how we wanted to parent as each new step came, what we wanted him to learn, what kind of traditions we wanted to establish and what traditions just came naturally, and of course documenting everything (I realized early on I am one of “those moms” :))  etc, etc, etc.

Two, we had so many exciting plans as we were beginning to take steps towards our dream as a family and for our life. We left  our positions on staff at Youth With A Mission Denver to pursue our dreams. The first step towards our dream was for Ted to head to college and I had planned to join him (just a few classes though, not full-time) at some point in 2010. We also each had little plans and goals individually and together for the new year.

We left YWAM in March and moved from Arvada to Fort Collins (where most of my family lives). Our plans slowly began to change as we found out, less than a month after moving, that we were 2 months pregnant with Eisley. We were so surprised and very excited. We would have two kiddos, just shy of 17 months apart, at Christmastime this year. What an adventure!

We spent April and May doing things as a family and spending a lot of time together because we knew our life was about to get crazy-busy again. What we didn’t realize at the time was just how crazy it actually would get. Our life first began “turning upside down” (even that feels like an understatement) as I first started bleeding at 13 weeks.

Ted began a full load at college and was working in between classes, just as I was put on light bed rest for the first time. Our summer was a whirlwind of emotions, new fears, loss of innocence to a healthy pregnancy, hoping, praying, praying, praying…etc.

We all know the story and to be honest, repeating it all seems overwhelming suddenly.

I will just say, when 2010 first came around, we never imagined that we would walk through such a tragedy. We never imagined losing a child. We had planned on trying to get pregnant in September. Instead,  this September, we were 6 months (almost 7) pregnant with our little girl and we were fighting, hoping and praying for our daughter’s life and for a few ounces more. I had worried about someday having a miscarriage, but never imagine that we would instead be a family who had a still born baby. …

2010 is both beautiful and tragic. Beautiful in that this year held the only time that I would have with my daughter, Eisley Antalya, here on earth and tragic in that we said our goodbyes to her this same year.

Ted and I are so different than we were even just one year ago. I don’t know how anyone could walk through what we have and not be changed honestly. We’re changed in really difficult and hard to explain ways, like in that we now know, even more so than ever before, of how fragile life is, of how much of a miracle it really is to have a healthy pregnancy, we’re changed in that we’ve lost our innocence and will, maybe forevermore, worry whenever I am pregnant with our next children, etc.

We have new fears and worries but also we have a new out look on life and new inspiration and drive. Our precious Eisley taught us so much in her short time with us. We are both so inspired to carry on her legacy in our own ways. For me, I am creating in a much differnt way that Iever was before and finding beauty when it seems impossible to find beauty. I also give just a tad credit to God for that one ;) He’s really carrying me right now. I really wouldn’t make it through this without Him. I couldn’t, I would have no hope.

We have aching hearts, shattered dreams and an Eisley shaped hole as we enter 2011, yet we also have dreams and hopes for the future.

I hope I will carry on my daughter’s legacy and share of the love and hope and trust I have for and in of my Saviour.

Ted’s really challenged me to challenge my abstract thinking and words with ways I can put actions to them. So how am I hoping to do the above? … a bit of the way I hope to carry on Eisley’s legacy is through creating and through opening my Etsy store. I hope to share her story with those I come across and as I share her story, the love and hope I have in my Saviour will also shine through. I hope to share of how trustworthy He is, even still.

{2011}… we know that no matter what we might face in this new year, with all of the anniversaries of our times with Eisley and memouries, we can cling to the Hope we have that is carrying us through now. It’s hard to welcome in a new year while aching so much, and I can’t say for sure that we’re ready, but it’s time… and we have hopes and dreams for 2011, so here we go!

I personally love and am inspired by goal lists and resolutions, so I make one every year and each month sometimes, I don’t think I’ll share all my resolutions here (some are more personal) but I will share something I am making! It’s a pretty cute resolutions/goals craft thingy that will inspire. I will be sharing it sometime after the first of the year.

Much love to you, as you welcome in the new year!