Forever, her big brother.

Chase did his balloon release for Eisley a little after the service and it was something I think a lot of us will never forget.

 It’s true, he doesn’t know the fullness of the loss of his baby sister, but he know something has happened. We taught him to say “baby” when we learned I was pregnant with Eisley and he would give kisses to my belly. I know he knew something and I can’t say how much, but I can say that I am telling him about his baby sister Eisley and will continue to tell him her story until he understands. He will know her as his sister.

I still hard for me wrap my mind around her not being here to run around with him. My heart aches when I’m reminded of this as I watch him play.  Today we walked to a park with my sisters and I watched him run around and do and say things that make him suddenly seem so big. It’s really hard for me to watch him get bigger knowing she isn’t going to be growing alongside him. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but it’s one of many dreams I had for her that I have to let go.

It’s so hard to watch the dreams we had for the two of them disappear so quickly. I think we will ache often throughout the years as we watch Chase grow up without Eisley by his side and we’ll always wonder what it would have been like. Yesterday, watching him let the balloon go was memorable yet hard. Beauty intertwined with the bitter taste of letting those dreams go.

It might “get easier as time passes” but right now it is so very, very hard.

Jesus, be our strength as we ache and grieve the loss of our daughter and Chase’s baby sister.