Joy Amidst.

Chase is so very glad to have me home.


He follows me all around more then ever before. Wherever mommy goes, he goes.  And if he catches me headed to the back of the house to use the restroom or to our room, he freaks out. I think he’s afraid I’m going to leave again, which breaks my heart.

We’ve spent a lot of time outside together. He will run around and then run at me and literally throw himself into my arms. I love it.  Watching him run around, play, dance, talk, laugh at himself… He is my little joy amidst this deep sorrow I feel.

I decided the first day back home, that if I needed to cry in front of him, I would. Even though he doesn’t understand or feel the loss of his sister, he know something has happened. I know he does.  When I cry, he comes to me, climbs into my lap and reaches up to touch the tears on my face. He snuggles me more often and kisses my face when I cry or even just because. I was telling a friend that it’s like the sweetest poem come to life, if that makes any sense at all.


I have been in awe of how sensitive he has been to me. I think it’s God’s grace and love pouring out all over him and into me in this time.

He is such a joy.  And boy does he make me laugh. I mean, just look at that “squinty face”. How can you not laugh? Chase also learned to say “I love you” in his own way this week, which I find incredibly fitting in this time. He say “I (something in gibberish) you” or just “I you” and it means the world to me.

I wrote this in my previous blog, but I often think of Chase as Eisley’s big brother and the dreams I had for the two of them together. I ache knowing they will never happen but I know someday we will see her again. For now I am just telling Chase (and one day our other children) about his sister and the legacy she left behind. Teaching him of who she was as I got to know her deeply in my time with her. He will love her as his sister even though she will never walk this earth with him.

(When I took this photo and uploaded, I immediately thought of my two sunshines. My little sunshine Eisley in heaven and my sunshine Chase here on earth.)

Thank you Jesus for my babies. Thank you for the time you let me have with my Eisley-girl and for letting Chase be our little joy here on earth with us. I am cherishing every moment with him more than I ever have. I am so very, very thankful for Chase and Eisley and for being given this honour of being their mommy.

7 thoughts on “Joy Amidst.

  1. Bethany says:

    The “squinty face” made Jada & I laugh as soon as we saw it, even before we read what you wrote! My thoughts have turned many times to the days that I was back home with Isaac…the simple everyday things like brushing teeth and potty training were so precious to me.


  2. Joel Hermansen says:


    I think it’s awesome that you are so real with Chase (with letting tears fall). He is going to grow up better equipped than most people are to deal with his emotions in a healthy way. I feel like so many parents try to protect their children by hiding the truth from them. Also, I guess they are afraid to show weakness. We know, though, that in our weaknesses He is strong.


  3. Beth says:

    I know that God used my children to keep me from losing myself in our circumstances. They were the reason I could roll out of bed in the morning. I knew that, as much as I was aching over Evan, my three other children still needed to have a mom that would hug on them, play with them, LAUGH with them, and yes, even cry in front of them. Such sweet moments when our little ones crawl into our lap to help quiet our tears. Continue to hold Eisley close to your heart and share her with Chase. My youngest was 16 months when we lost Evan, and now at 5 talks freely about her brother Evan who lives in heaven, and how she can’t wait to meet him someday.


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