Eisley Antalya · Jami Joann · Life · Ted Harlan

Where my heart and mind aren’t connecting.

The past few days I have been having flashbacks of the day Eisley’s heart stopped beating. It all comes back to me, like a nightmare, only this is our reality.

I’m lying in the hospital bed as they use the monitor to search for her heartbeat. 5 minutes pass, then 15, then 30. I think deep inside I knew but I kept hoping. 45 minutes passed and I began to have a hard time remembering to just breath.

My heart was racing and they kept finding my heartbeat low where hers normally was. Each time they would find my heart and I could hear it beating, I would just close my eyes and listen and feel my own heart in my chest. This wasn’t her heart, it was mine. My heart racing  because I knew she was gone.

They called Dr. Hill in and he came quickly along with an ultrasound machine. I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare as they plugged it in and kept thinking “This can’t be happening. I just felt her this morning”. They put the warm jelly on my stomach and I had to force my eyes to look at the screen that would tell me if my baby girl was still hanging on or not. I could see right away, she wasn’t reacting as she normally did when we had ultrasounds. I could see she was still. Dr. Hill brought the wand over my belly for a few minutes and finally pointed to the screen. He told me we were looking at her heart and that is was no longer beating.

I immediately began moaning and crying out “Oh God, no” over and over. The most horrible moment, realizing she was no longer with me.

I couldn’t even bring myself to call Ted and I had one of my favourite nurses make the dreaded call. Ted told me when he saw my number pop up on his phone, but heard Deb’s voice instead of mine; he knew. Our girl was gone.

Because I was alone so often, I had this horrible feeling that if I ever did lose Eisley, that I would be alone when I found out. And I was. My body shook from shock and sobbing for what seemed like forever but was probably not even an hour. I felt so alone and confused during that time. But when I finally regained my composure, I realized, I was most definitely not alone. Dr. Hill and two of my nurses had stayed by my side and  Dr. Hill was actually rubbing my leg to comfort me, which I didn’t notice until I looked around. Dr. Hill stood close to me with tears in his eyes and my nurses were crying as well as they stood by my bedside. I wasn’t completely alone; I was surrounded by two nurses who I have grown to love and our amazing Doctor who has been such an incredible blessing throughout our pregnancy. Once I really opened my eyes, I soaked up the comfort they offered me in that time and the tears they shared with me meant the world to me.

One thing I still wrestle with is that I didn’t feel God’s presence when I found out my daughter was gone. Maybe it was because of the hopes and dreams I had for her were gone in an instant, but in that few hours of my life, I felt so confused, and alone and even abandoned by the One I placed my hope in. That is the one part of the week that still bothers my heart greatly and I’m still trying to process the entire day… and the time I felt without Him. But He  did provide me with people who loved me and grieved with me, until Ted was able to get to Denver.

I guess where I am at currently, in this hour and sporadically throughout the past few days is denial. It sounds so twisted, that I can remember these horrible moments yet I feel like this can’t be happening. She can’t be gone. My heart still can’t believe what my mind keeps telling me. She is gone. I think that is why I keep having these flashbacks. I want to “make sense” of what happened.  I just want to understand what happened and it even ask it replays over and over it just doesn’t seem real. Denial. One of the “stages of grieving”, I know, I’ve heard. I go through probably all of the stages throughout one day and over and over sometimes. It will probably be like this for a while and I am really trying to let myself feel what I need to feel.

Yesterday little things I read or heard or saw kept triggering this feeling of  “it just doesn’t seem fair” in me. We had dreams and hopes for our daughter that were all gone in the instant they told us that her heart had stopped beating. Yesterday I kept thinking of Chase and how he will never know his little baby sister Eisley. They were going to be 16 months apart and they were going to be best friends. He was going to be her protector and give her big sloppy wet kisses. He was going to be the best big brother Eisley could ever had. All of those dreams are gone… and it breaks my heart more than words can say.

I will always tell Chase and someday our other children, of Eisley and who she was and the legacy she left behind, but it does break my heart that they will never personally know her and grow up with her. I watch Chase run around and I mourn the loss of his baby sister who I want so badly to be running along side him.

Our hearts and minds are having a hard time connecting the dots between what is reality and where we had such  hopes and dreamed for our daughter. It’s even hard for me to put into words because it’s so obvious physically… she is gone… yet my heart doesn’t quite grasp that fully.

I know this is kind of  a raw post, but it’s where I am at and I always want to be real and raw. Will you please pray for me? For Ted? For our hearts and minds to begin to connect the dots as we mourn the dreams we had for our Eisley and at the loss of her life. I am not strong, I am really the weakest I have ever felt. It’s not that I am in an unhealthy place but I’m hurting and aching and in need of your prayers. Ted is too.

Thanks for your love and support in this time.

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18 thoughts on “Where my heart and mind aren’t connecting.

  1. We pray every day. God is faithful to heal! 2 Cor 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
    May God’s strength carry you through when you are weak! Our love, Wayne and Ann

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  2. I want you to know that I can’t get you guys out of my mind. God continually has me praying for you to have what you need to walk through this. I will keep praying and thank you for being real and upfront about how you are. Love you guys!

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  3. Jami. I can’t express to you how much my heart hurts for you. I burst into tears reading this and imagining what you and Ted must be going through right now. God is there with you. With Ted. with Chase. and with your daughter, Eisley. Eisley is with you, though maybe not how you had hoped she would be. But she’s in a happier place now. I’m praying for you and Ted, for healing and understanding and peace. God is using you, and Eisley. Even all the way from Indonesia. My heart goes out to you and your family, Jami. You are loved!

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  4. I have been praying for you everytime I am reminded of you! I pray for Ted to be able to support you in this time and for his sadness as well, I know your heart is aching and I have shed tears for you in my prayers, you will overcome this! “Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28 I had a dream about you guys, I will share it with you at a later time, but you will rejoice again!

    Love, Rachel

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  5. i love you more than you know. thank you for always being real and honest. it is the thing that first drew me to you. you both are in our prayers… eisley will forever be alive in our hearts. that sounds cliche, but the disconnect for me is the love for a baby girl that is no longer here on earth so it is hard to figure out how to keep loving her but in a different way. i have no idea what this must be like for you but i love you and will be there in a second if you need anything.

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  6. “He restores my soul”
    He will restore your soul. You absolutely cannot do this on your own, so don’t try to take all of it onto your shoulders. This is your weakest point in this trial, and this is the time the devil will put doubt in your heart. He will want you to think ‘why did God do this to me?’ ‘why did this happen to her.’ He will want you to get angry at God and ultimately reject him. You have to stand strong in your faith, this may be the hardest test you will ever endure in your entire life but God is with you, and He is with your dear daughter. Don’t let the pain overcome the knowledge that you will see her again and you are mourning the life with her on this earth not the ETERNAL life you will have with her. She did not go ‘nowhere’ she went to heaven, with Jesus, Moses, Noah, Elijah, she gets to be held by Mary the mother of Jesus.

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  7. One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
    Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
    In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
    Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
    other times there were one set of footprints.

    This bothered me because I noticed
    that during the low periods of my life,
    when I was suffering from
    anguish, sorrow or defeat,
    I could see only one set of footprints.

    So I said to the Lord,
    “You promised me Lord,
    that if I followed you,
    you would walk with me always.
    But I have noticed that during
    the most trying periods of my life
    there have only been one
    set of footprints in the sand.
    Why, when I needed you most,
    you have not been there for me?”

    The Lord replied,
    “The times when you have
    seen only one set of footprints,
    is when I carried you.”

    When you said you felt like you were alone, I really feel like God put it on my heart to send this poem just to remind you that you were not alone, you are never alone. He loves you and He wants to carry you through this.

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  8. I’m crying as I read your post Jami. My heart feels so deeply for yours although I cannot fully imagine what you are going through. I believe God was with you in the form of your two nurses and your doctor who were crying with you at the moment you knew your sweet baby was gone. He will NEVER leave you or forsake you Jami. That’s his promise. May you rest in his big strong Daddy arms and may you feel his peace and comfort in such a way that you know without any doubt that it’s from him. We love you and we are standing with you by faith! We are praying for you and you are in our hearts. The song “Trust His Heart” is on my mind for you today. It’s a song that was sung at my momma’s funeral. It’s by Babbie Mason. Take a listen when you can… http://s0.ilike.com/play#Babbie+Mason:Trust+His+Heart:1546235:s9093077.9641692.15097401.0.2.139%2Cstd_1dda8f73bb2f463c8c78b8e9e3f90435

    WE LOVE YOU!!!!

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  9. Love you guys, even tho we’ve never met. I am checking here often to see how you are doing and praying for God’s peace to be with you. You are loved and I am so, so sorry that your baby is gone.
    Until we meet in Heaven,
    A in Ohio

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  10. I ran across your site through worldprayr on twitter, and I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. This post has me in tears. I will definitely pray for you through this incredibly difficult time. I love the poem above that someone esle posted. I will print it and tuck it away. I am so sorry you lost your baby.
    Robin in Los Angeles

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  11. “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

    May his strength be made perfect in your weakness and the power of Christ rest upon you and Ted.

    Praying for you both, Jami.

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  12. our hearts and prayers are with you and ted at this season of your lives…raw is good it helps to heal when your real with your self many of us have not the gift or are over gifted if you know what i mean.love you girl and hang in there and just keep hugging that precious lil boy it will help to feel him next to you and he will help you and ted through in a big way, his innocence, his purity, his lack of full understanding of what has taken place…and i feel i need to tell you dont feel guilty when you are consumed w/life family son and your not thinking of eisley.,..its ok…thats the greatest accomplishment the process of letting go and fully giving back to God which was His to begin with. her precious memories and legacy are whats important, and you will always have those. God Bless!!

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  13. Jami,
    I don’t know you but have followed your story since I heard about you from the Menna family. I pray for you all the time. I have been down a road very similar to yours and I know those feelings. God loves you and he understands all your feelings. He will never leave you. Blessings will come to light as the days pass. Sounds if some already have with the relationships you have formed with the nurses and your doctor. Peace to you.

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  14. Please email me if you ever wish to talk to someone who has been there. My son died in my arms on April 1st 2009 at the age of 4 1/2 months old. Let me try and comfort you.

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  15. Jesus, thank you for your peace. Would you poor it out on Ted and Jami and Chase too as they grieve little Eisley?
    Father, I ask that in your time, you would take Jami back to that day and show her where you were when her daughter’s heart stopped beating. I know you were there even when she didn’t feel you. Father, meet Jami in her dreams and in her awake hours. Be sooo sooo close to her in the next days. Comfort her like only you can. Bless her heart. You are strong when she is weak. Bless the Davis family with peace! In Jesus name…

    Love you, Jami! Let me know if there is anything more I can do for you.

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  16. saw this and thought of you!! God wants you to know…
    ‎”At least I can take comfort in this: Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One.” Job 6:10
    He has taken note of your obedience and faith and trust in Him….you are close to His heart…

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