Remembering vs. Reminders

When we had our first appointment where Dr. H confirmed we were indeed pregnant, we learned our “surprise baby’s” due date but made plans to have her a bit earlier, due to the fact that I had a c-section with Chase only months before. So we chose a date; December 10, 2010.

I hadn’t expected yesterday to be so hard for me and had honestly tried to just see it as just another date on the calendar. Not because I was in denial but because of the fact that since everything hadn’t gone perfectly or smoothly from the beginning of our pregnancy, the c-section scheduled for December 10th was never officially set in stone and then once things progressively got worse, we let it go all together. I didn’t think it would hit me so hard, but Thursday night as we went to bed, Iwept as Ted and I talked about how if everything had gone well we would probably have a hard time sleeping that night, due to the anticipation of the arrival of our daughter. If everything had gone smoothly, we would be celebrating.

I woke throughout the night Thursday night with this heavy on my heart. “If everything had gone perfectly, smoothly…” IF. But it hadn’t. We held her and said our earthly goodbyes just 3 months earlier. The very day of her due date will mark 3 months exactly.

The reminders that she is gone are so heavy right now and we’re in the thick of it as her actual due date nears.

They are wearing me down. Let’s add to the reminders …my sensitivity and lies of the enemy. I am sensitive anyways, but now I feel even more so. I am so easily reminded of our loss whenever I’m online. I allow myself to get wounded/hurt by things other say even when they probably weren’t even thinking of me when they wrote “such and such”.  I try and remind myself that it’s probably unintentional to hurt me or that they aren’t trying to remind me of what they have and what I’ve lost but the lies of the enemy get me SO bad with this one.

I remember the day after we lost Eisley, I was in labor and I felt enough courage to write a blog so got online and while I was on the computer, I decided to update my status but just before I could, I read someone’s status that they had just written about the movements of their baby and how amazing it was. I wept. That was the first of many to come. I think if I told you of how often I do that, you would probably tell me to get off the social networks all together. I’ve realized and tried to come to terms with the fact that this is our reality and not everyone remembers what we have lost and what we’re walking through now, but sometimes I still take things so personally. {This is my reality} and I try to keep that in mind when I read or hear things but honestly, right now I feel like it’s slapping me across the face. I am in a constant battle against trying to remember the beautiful time I had with my girl versus the reminders that she is gone, the reminders of what we’ve lost.

As you can see, our loss has made me more sensitive in negative ways ….but also in some really positive ways as well. I now feel more aware of those around me and where they are at and I try and stay sensitive to them.

I really think a lot of my sensitivity also boils down to grief. I guess I am here to ask you to please pray for us? Her due date is the 17th and if yesterday was so hard, I really can’t imagine what next friday will be like. We have some significant things planned and one of my dear friends who I haven’t seen in over two years will be in town.

Thank you for all of your love and support and for helping me walk through this. I sometimes hop on my blog {just} to read the comments you have written to me over the past few months. I am encouraged and blessed by you continually. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Much love,

Jami