I’ve been in a really hard-to-explain place. I can’t really pinpoint it and I feel I won’t even do a decent job of expressing myself clearly, maybe because everything seems so cloudy? I don’t know.

Every time I go to write in my journal, or when I hop on here to write a blog, I get stumped. What could I possibly say to express my heart clearly? Everything seems so blurry in my mind and thoughts lately. I am not going crazy or anything. I think this could best be described as grief.

I’m in a seriously explicable, blurry place.

I also am struggling with other things adding to my grieving the loss of Eisley. Things I feel I shouldn’t even be dealing with yet I am. It’s out of my control. And some days when I would get on here to write, all that would come out was from an ugly place of anger, frustration, jealousy and hurt. It would be super passive aggressive, ugly places that I just cannot. go. to. I can’t dwell in it for its eating me up inside and I don’t know how much longer I can handle grieving and this without just going totally crazy or without growing numb. I don’t want to be numb. I need to feel, especially right now.

Ted has been incredible and gracious and compassionate to me throughout all of hurt and my shocking anger toward this situation that I bring to him (I should probably say it it’s not him ;)).  He is super loving to remind me of truth yet validate my hurting heart. I am so thankful for this man who somehow manages to stick with me despite where I’m at.

Each heart knows its own bitterness,and no one else can share its joy. Proverbs 14:10

Bitterness and hurt are stealing things that are so precious to me. Including my joy. It’s consuming my thoughts and I’ve even allowed it to dictating my actions.

But mostly I hopped on to humbly ask for your prayers for my heart to release this bitterness so I can freely grieve.

I guess I wanted to get on here and write you to say, “I’m still here”, I plan on posting a DIY this week. I do.

(p.s. …we finally found a place to call home. We signed the papers today. More on this soon…)

15 thoughts on “blurry.

  1. mamasdance says:

    I am praying for you girl. really felt the word “forgive” come to my heart… can’t say I know why. But just wanted to let you know you are loved, and I am praying for a breakthrough for you in your grieving process- however it needs to come. I am always encouraged that God can take it- the best, the bland and the worst of it. He lets us live- and feel, and I know sometimes things suck. God will bring you to know joy again- “He has turned my mourning into dancing. Removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.” my prayer for you girl….


    • colourherhope says:

      Thank you Ashlea. I know you’re right about “forgive”. It’s heavy on my heart to release this and forgive and move forward. Thank you!


  2. Cecilie says:

    Dear dear Jami!
    I just want you to know that i pray for you every night. and that although I know it’s tough (i’ve never lost a child, but I’ve lost other close, young family members) just please remember to get it all out, to cry it out once in a while.. You might already be doingthat, but I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I lived close by so I could come, give you a hug, baby-sit Chase and let you have a day off..
    Much love, Cecilie
    P.s. How exciting with the new house!! So happy for you guys!


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