When all we see is our mess, but He sees us.

“Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you.” -Mother Teresa

12694713_10153426711111989_4536754274534016780_oSince I’ve pulled my boys from there schools, I’ve returned to a slow paced and calm (ish) life. And I’ve had time to reflect and even look inward.  And OH how I’ve missed and needed this! 12716242_10153436427526989_6775363051451239941_o It’s different this time, for one, obviously Ted is gone that part is hard – but mostly because I just miss him. We all do.



12771553_10153444665221989_5198546652115345337_oBut I’m actually talking about a difference in me, in this season. I’ve found a newfound, or maybe I should say a renewing, of things I am passionate about. Things that bring me life. Even in how I mother. And ultimately all from going deep, remembering who I am at my core. 12747279_10153445374231989_8213789854029803742_o

Don’t get me wrong, it has been hard. And there have been many tears shed between my kids and I.  12622407_10153387077861989_6949008415152673507_oMany arguments, many a time where I’ve felt confused at how to help my kids where they are at. Many moments of lost tempers, patience and grace. 12496223_10153385164066989_4827455189661559232_oBut everyday I feel a new measure of grace and hope and perspective rise with the sun. Okay, woah cheesin’ big time… But guys it’s true! 12698624_10153417125386989_7483916795792617295_oAnd how beautiful and hopeful my life has felt as I’ve remembered this. 12695016_10153416311661989_5998714702086564629_oI mess up everyday in someway. And these 3 little faces peering up at me with such honest and pure unconditional love, and it reminds me of Jesus and his amazing grace and love for me. 12646860_10153409559161989_6676799095229820562_oJust like these precious souls, he doesn’t see my as my messes. 12615255_10153398453606989_5490379131347757456_o He sees ME. Who he’s created me to be. Sure the mess is there and we’ve got to organize, in a sense. Purge and get rid of what isn’t me. 12594038_10153385586471989_2059732738726609481_oAnd when I stop solely focusing so much on my own mess and failures, and listen, he helps me sift through all the mess and suddenly remember who I am, and recognize the girl beneath all of the things piled on me.  12694787_10153406307261989_6295064438992989985_oAnd I feel that happening, in this season. I’m ready, and he’s drawing out of me what he’s places inside of me. And to see that who I am, even in all my deep feeling ways, is beautiful and is useful.img_2437That I am not too much of this or too little of that. I’m not the lies I believe, or the words spoken over me.

 There are treasures inside of all of us. We often let all the pain and guilt and weight of the messes weigh us down so we can’t see that beauty within anymore.   And feel it’s hopeless to try to manage the mess anymore. (Have you ever seen an episode of Hoarders? I picture sometime like that. :)) but, friends…

He is forever faithful.
And loving.
And compassionate.
And kind.

He’s so faithful to work with us through whatever our mess may be. And however long it may take.

 This season has been painful, and difficult as I’ve decided to start facing my piles of pain, bitterness, rejection, loss, loneliness, selfishness, broken dreams, words spoken over me, parenting fails, etc … I could go on and on. Couldn’t we all?

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Or we do the opposite and believe there is no mess, no fault in us. I’ve had seasons like that too. Where pride, or perhaps fear, get in the way and we put on a disguise (knowingly or unknowingly).

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I’m beginning to remember who I am at my core, discard who I’m not – the things I’ve picked up along the way that maybe are someone else but aren’t me, face the things I’ve done wrong, and love, love and love myself through this process. Which is something I’ve never really done. Maybe you haven’t either.

I’ve spent years pouring my life into helping others, which does bring me life! But often time I have ONLY poured into others. I’ve even tried to prove my love and worth to others. And only recently it hit me, to be honest I felt burnt out and too weighed down by trying to live solely taking care of others, that I realized I {NEED} to remember to nourish my own soul, too. I need to work through these painful messes. I love the quote you see above by Mother Teresa. And I agree but wonder, what if take it a step even further back…What is we started with ourselves and then the person nearest us, and go out from there! God can use us broken, I believe it and I’ve seen it, but I believe he wants to help us to remember who we are and that our brokenness doesn’t define us at our core. Is shapes us in certain ways, for sure.

 And we will have scars, hidden and exposed, I sometimes think of the more exposed scars as perhaps as a way to share our stories and help another not feel so alone. And the hidden ones that are maybe too personal or painful to share with anyone besides Jesus himself or a close few. (We all have our own personal measures on what we share of course!)

 I’m realizing it isn’t selfish to look inward and take time to remember who you are at your core. Who has he made you to be? What are the things he placed inside of YOU? Maybe things that are beautifully YOU but you’ve unknowingly shut them down because of what man has spoken over you? Or maybe you just haven’t taken time for yourself in a long, long time and you’re weary of the mess you’ve made/collected/picked up along the way? Whatever your “mess” is, it isn’t too much for our Creator, our Father, our Friend. Don’t lose hope. You’re not in this alone!

Take time for YOU. Do things that bring you life and rid yourself of the rest, even if temporarily or maybe forever. For me I’ve limited my interaction with the Facebook world and focused more on reading, journaling, listening to music and singing, and playing with my kids, getting out into nature often – gathering new freckles from the sunshine, spending time with my friends. I’m working on my emotional/mental state and attempting to work on my physical state as well – but that’s for another post ;)

Also blogging is something  I want to pick up again, hence this post.  12764652_10153453776456989_787978701691174019_o

What brings you life? What refreshes and renews you? What disguise have you tried to maintain, maybe even unknowingly? What lies are you believing? Has busyness become your norm that you’ve forgotten how to be still and dig deep?

Do something healthy for you today. Because a healthier you, equals a healthier outlook on life, a healthier and more genuine way we reach people and show them who Jesus is. (Speaking to myself here too of course!!)

Maybe it’s time we unmasked the disguised version of ourselves, faced our messes, purged the hell out of the piles, and maybe even shared our scars with the world and watch what happens. I think we’d be amazed!

I already feel this way and I’ve only just begun. How amazing is our Jesus, who can use us along the way of purging these messes – that he doesn’t wait until we’ve reached perfection!

How beautiful His loving kindness that when all we see are our messes, He sees US. And longs to show us what He sees.

 

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The birth story of Everly Selah Davis.

The birth story of Everly Selah Davis.

Though this was my 4th birth, 3rd C-section and 2nd planned C-section… my nerves were still undone just a few hours before the scheduled birth of our precious little girl!

Saying goodbye to my kids, though obviously temporary, is still difficult and very bittersweet. I kissed my little guys and Ted and I headed out. “Next time you see momma, your baby sister will be here!”
Everly-0001

I have to mentally prepare myself as best I can before heading into the hospital: the sites, the smells, even some of the same nurses, etc. It is the hospital that I’ve had my best and my worst moments of my life in. The birth of our firstborn son July 18, 2009 and then the death and 3 day labor then birth of our first daughter September 17, 2010. Some have asked why we don’t switch hospitals and find different doctors. But the truth is… I trust our doctor and he’s been through the most difficult pregnancy and birth with us, I couldn’t ask for anyone else to help me deliver my babies.

This time around, I had a lot more peace than I did when I arrived to have Shailo, just 14 months after the loss of Eisley. I felt ready to have Everly. I felt ready to meet our little girl.

I checked in 2 hours prior to my surgery (as required) and soon began the poking and prodding. I was priding myself in the difference between 22-year-old me getting an IV put in when in labor with Chase and how well I was taking it a few years and a few babies later …”taking it like a champ”. However, before I could pat myself on the back too much, the nurse dug and dug around and I almost passed out. My world went gray and cloudy, noises sounded funny and I felt like I could literally hear each beat of my heart. They waved a strong scent in front of my nose and my eye popped open. I could hear my nurses LAUGHING… “That was the LOWEST I’ve ever seen anyone’s blood pressure fall without them passing out!”

Oh, gee, glad I could make you LAUGH. Haha! I came back around, somewhat glad for a temporary distraction to keep me from watching the hand tick on the clock in my hospital room. Has it been 2 hours yet? Ugh, 45 minutes (or so) to go. I haven’t been able to eat OR drink anything since 10pm the night before and I’m thirsty… so they feed me ice chips. Mmm. And then just when I think my throat couldn’t possibly get any more dry… they offer me a shot of the nastiest gunk… ironically to help ease the feelings of nausea that could come with meds and anitheisia they would soon give me.

Everly-0002Dr. Hill and the anesthesiologist gave Ted permission to photograph the birth! And this time they gave him even more free reign!
Everly-0003Everly-0004(when Ted showed me pics of the birth I saw this pic and it made me cry!)Everly-0005Preparing to stick a big ol’ needle in my spine. Everly-0006Everly-0007(THIS is Dr. Hill. He looks intense and has a super dry sense of humor, but let me tell ya, this man rocks. It kind of took me until we walked through pregnancy and bed rest with Eisley to see his heart, but I couldn’t ask for a better guy to deliver our babies!) Everly-0008The room is freezing, though at this point that is the last thing on my mind. Fear GRIPS me as I lay on the table waiting with baited breath, to hear her cry.
Everly-0009I look calm, but inside I’m anything but. Though it’s not painful, I can still feel them pushing and pulling. I literally feel like someone is sitting on my chest, I can’t breath which by now (remember, 3rd c-section!) I know this means Everly is on her way out!Everly-0011And then it happens. I hear her scream.

(I love these moments Ted captured.)

And then I breath and I cry with relief.

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Dr. Hill pops her head and body over the blue curtain that separates us, and I get my first peek at the beautiful life I’ve waited to see for months.

Welcome to the world, Sweet Ever!

Everly-0013Ignore the needle (Or perhaps I just pointed it out to you)… take in my face. OH MY HEART. Everly-0014Everly-0015Everly-0017Smaller than her brothers.
Everly-0019
They allow skin to skin in the operating room now (awesome, right?!) Although, and I’m still not sure why, I wasn’t able to do that. They sewed me up and I wasn’t able to hold her until I was in the recovery room. I was shaking and falling asleep (due to the meds) so it was probably for the best. When I did get to hold her, she nursed right away and did amazing! I didn’t want her to leave my arms. Everly-0020Proud daddy. Everly-0021We were so thankful they allowed my Mother-in-law Anisa to be in the room. She wasn’t allowed with Shailo and that was a bit devastating for her.
Everly-0022Everly-0023First official bath. The nurses kept commenting on how perfect her colouring was! Pink little lady!Everly-0024Meeting my dad, Grandpa Matt, who is head over heels for her.Everly-0026Meeting her brothers.Everly-0025

Proud brothers! Chase’s told Shailo, “I wish you could have a sister, Brother!” as he held her. Umm, buddy, you’ll be sharing her :)

Everly Selah’s birth day was one filled with excitement, joy and peace.

Words can’t express how thankful I am that our Father allowed another beautiful girl to be apart of the Davis clan. While she doesn’t replace Eisley in any way – they both hold such a special, unique place in this momma-heart of mine – He has already used Ever to help heal areas in my life that I didn’t think possible. We are so grateful for this precious little bundle!

Everly-0001

Now we’ve blinked and our sweet girl is 4 months old!

Beyond Blessed (a random post).

-Yesterday & most of today I rested (cause I am not feeling well) and hung out with my son and my grandma while watching Project Runway season 6 (a bday gift) which makes me want to, first, learn to truly sew (more than onesies & pillows) and secondly, to be creative.

-Watching Chase explore his new surroundings is actually really blessing me. He reminds me of the endless possibilities and how the little, simple things in life can bring such joy. (Seriously, spend some time with a kiddo and you’ll know just what I am talking about!) He is such a fun boy. Super silly and is constantly surprising me with the new things he learns. For example, yesterday he just started dancing to music. I said “dance” and he would! I was stunned. He finally got it!

Here are is a video I took with the mac (i wanted to hurry and capture the moment, sorry for the quality);

-My Grandpa hung Chase’s new swing on the playground in the backyard. This boy loves to be outside and especially, to swing. I think every kid probably loves these things. It’s refreshing, freeing. I came out to find him swinging and smiling and snapped a few photos. :)

-I have also had a lot more time with Ted lately and that’s been an incredible blessing. I guess I didn’t realize just how much time we spent apart. Tonight we went out for a date for the first time since my birthday!

-It wasn’t a super long date, only 2 hours in fact, but it was great spending time alone. Ted is such a great man. He is adreamer and I absolutely love that.  He, like Chase, is constantly keeping me on my toes! I really wouldn’t change my dreamer in for anything. Even when the dreams are sometimes frightening and/or crazy, like his current one. I can’t say… anything really… but tomorrow he flies to Alaska for a two week trip which will determine a lot for our future. He believes in excellence and will do whatever it takes to be excellent in the things he is passionate in!

Maybe soon, I will be sharing something. quite. huge.

-The past few weeks of transition have been rough, but my eyes have been opened to see just how blessed we are. I am trying to focus on that lately, despite the times that are hard.

Here’s to counting our blessings!

Our new home…

Is less than ten minutes from the foothills of the mountains, which means a lot of camping, hiking, tubing on the Poudre river and fishing! (I may be mostly girly, but i grew up doing all of these and love them!)

And a 20 minute walk east brings us to this beautiful park, where I played at as a child!

The view from here is {breathtaking}, the colours are phenomenal. I love being so near the mountains!

Ted has been spending time working on our car and helping me unpack and organize but today he spent the day fishing with a pal he did a DTS with who just happens to live in Ft.Collins as well. (This is NOT where he went fishing, haha, he is in the mountains somewhere, right now, as I… type :) )

The little lake at City park will be perfect to walk or run around! And right next to the lake is the playground I played on as a child (remodeled though) and a little toddler playground! This city is so family friendly, I love it! They even have a trolley run during the summer time. So fun!

One of the best things about living here, we get to watch the sunset behind the mountains. This is a bad angle to see this, but I wanted you to see what Chase sees. He was in awe of the cars driving by, the swingset behind him, the tall trees, etc.

We are living in one of the guest  rooms at my grandparent’s home until we know the next step. More to come on our future :) For now we are spending more time as a family, quality time, something we didn’t get a whole lot of on staff in Denver. It’s been an amazing week already, can’t wait to see what this summer holds! I know Chase will be walking soon so that should make it especially interesting!!

Rise up, my Love.

We’re in quite a transition right now. I honestly have so much I want to say and want to share, but I am guarding my tongue. We both feel such an array of emotions right now that we’re trying to balance; controlling them when we need to yet feeling what we need to feel when the time is right.

I’ve really felt blessed lately watching spring rise up, even amidst the snow storms that have been trying to tear it down. I already love spring because there is such a beauty in the transformation of winter into spring. To me, this time it holds an even greater meaning because this time it portrays such a beautiful picture of transition. I feel like it is portraying exactly where Ted and I are right now.

Spring of 2006 I read this verse and it completely changed me and each spring since, I am reminded of this;

My beloved spoke, and said to me:
Rise up, my love, my fair one,
And come away.
For lo, the winter is past,
The rain is over
and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth;
The time of singing has come,
And the voice of the turtledove
Is heard in our land.
The fig tree puts forth her green figs,
And the vines
with the tender grapes
Give a
good smell.
Rise up, my love, my fair one,
And come away!
O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the secret
places of the cliff,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice
is sweet,
And your face
is lovely.

Song of Solomon 2:10-14

We are moving forward remembering this very thing; He is with us. Why should we live in fear? He has given us this dream, this vision. He is with us, calling us to rise up.

We are nervous, and yes sometimes frightened but mostly excited for the next step. We’re stepping out in such a huge way, leaving behind what we know to be comfortable to pursue photography and journalism. To pursue the dream God’s given us. We are feeling led in a different direction regarding training in photojournalism and when I am released to share, I will! Please pray for us for we are about to take the {biggest} leap yet!

I know we aren’t the only ones who have or who are walking through such a difficult transition. Any advice?


Endless Possibilities.

Fall of 2009, it hit me. Hard.

Where had my passion gone? Why had I put my gifts and things which inspire me aside? What had happened to always wanting to create? When had I replaced what I love? What had I replaced them with?

I often would use the excuse of being “too busy”. I was too busy with working on other things, even sometimes too busy working on someone else’s vision, that I put my dreams, desires and even passions on hold. I felt drained, unfulfilled. I am by no means saying it is the person behind the workforce, the person who’s vision I am serving, no. Not at all. I am saying, along with working on their vision, I had put mine on hold, by my choice.

I had gotten so caught up in saying I was “too busy” that I missed out on the very things which I love. As I believed that lie, I slowly began to let my gifts slip through my fingers.

How sad.

I grew up with parents who always taught us to “use our imaginations”, to “be productive”. I admit, I would sometimes get annoyed when I heard those words, but  now, I get it.And boy were we creative kids!

A child’s imagination is {endless}. Even as I watch my son, I am in awe of the way he explores his surroundings. In his eyes, there is endless possibilty. EndLESS.

How did I lose this along the journey of becoming an adult?

I decide, this. must. change.

I am pursuing my endless possibilities. I am prioritizing my time so I can do the things which fulfill me. I am turning blank pages into ones of vivid colour and imagination.

What fulfills you? Do you have eyes which see the endless possibilities?

I believe I can walk in the things which inspire me, despite being “busy”. That is one reason why I blog so often. I love to write and I am passionate about capturing, savoring and sharing every moment with my son. When I do this, I truly feel satisfied. I am walking in something I love.

You can make time for the things which you are most passionate about.

I hope I can inspire you to remember who you once were. Or maybe even remember who you wanted to be. Remember the things which fulfill you or even the things which you’ve always wanted to do. Do them. You do have the time. What is most important to you, you will find time to do them.

Continually.

“Seek the Lord and His strength, seek His face {continually}.”
1 Chronicles 16:11

Continually. For some reason the word continually pops for me in this verse. It could have been written “seek the Lord and His strength, seek his face” but to me the continually that is added says so much. I am by no means a theologian but when I read this I can’t help but think read it and think “Continually! Seek his face DESPITE, AMONG, AMIDST; continually.” Seek His face through thick and thin.

I do not want to “sugar coat” this blog, I just want to be real. With that said, we are struggling, we are tired, we are weary. I don’t know if it’s an attack or what this is but we are really having a difficult time. We are trusting God with our future and stepping out into the unknown but it’s scary (leaving YWAM Denver) We are also young and just now learning how to live as a family, what is important and what is not. Anyways, combined, it’s a lot and we would truly love your prayers. We need your prayers!


Romans 8:24-31 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Lately, it has been one thing right after another and we are trusting Him in all thing regardless of how it can be so hard sometimes. We don’t believe God causes these situations but we believe that He can turn ugly ones into something truly beautiful. He’s redemptive like that. :) We are trying to keep positive and make the best of what we have. Perseverance and believe the truth can be so difficult, especially when the times get tough, but we’ve choosing to do both of these because we’ve seen the affects of giving up and believing we are alone, we aren’t good enough, there must be something wrong with us, etc.

When situations arise, persevere and believe the truth.
When we are hurting and feel alone, persevere and believe the truth.
When we don’t understand, persevere and believe truth.
Even if/when some things around us come tumbling down, persevere and believe the truth.

One reason I am writing a blog is to ask for your prayers. On our way home from our Christmas in Ft. Collins, our car broke down.The past few months Ted has put a lot of time and energy and money into our car so this is really, really hard. Please pray that it is not our transmission because if that is the case it will be totaled and we really need our car!

“When life hands you lemons, you make lemon pie.”


I need to go but I will write another update soon but here is a sneak peek. We are about to begin another quarter tomorrow actually. Students begin to come in this week. This will be our last quarter and if it’s anything like the fall quarter, it’s going to be a difficult one. Since we are short on staff, sometimes we get overworked. Meaning, Ted does. This is why I am the one who always writes and lets you know what is going on, not to mention, I LOVE doing this! If you could remember to pray for Ted and strength to get through this next quarter!I wanted to leave on a light note, saying, we are doing great as a family of 3. Chase is quite the amazing little man and brings so much joy into our home. He’s truly a blessing and we are so thankful for his bright little spirit. Hope you can all meet him one day!


We are so thankful for you and your loving support!