{Believing} “Spring Will Come”

This photo couldn’t be more perfect, really. I took this In April, before I knew I was actually expecting our precious Eisley. The ‘believe’ inspired me and ended up being a real encouragment to me during our journey with Eisley. Now, I think I need this reminder more than ever before.

I need to {believe} in a  lot of areas right now. We’re really struggling. There is so much going on right now, I just feel like my world is spinning out of control. I feel like there is very little stability. I feel overwhelmed, burdened, defeated, etc. Ted and I both.

I just found out this week that “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” isn’t actually biblical. Do you know how {relieved} I was to hear that? I cried actually and I still could. There is so much going on right now that is “too much” and is more than I can handle.

The loss of Eisley overwhelms me so much that sometimes I can’t find the words to speak when someone asks how I’m doing and I lie; “I’m good”. It overwhelms me so much that I pound my fist into the steering wheel and let the hot tears fall. It overwhelms me to the point where I need to walk into my room, close the door and let a good scream and sob out into my pillow. It overwhelms me so much that I can’t sleep at night without the aid of a sleeping pill. I find myself overwhelmed with grief over and over again as I read/hear people complain about something in their life that I would give anything for or when I read/hear of something I miss or long to have.

I’m overwhelmed with so much right now. Ted and I are trying to remember that things will begin to look up in our lives.

Right now it’s fall here in Colorado and all of the magnificant auburns, oranges and yellows are beginning to fade into this ugly brown and dreary skies are beginning to roll in. The sun sets much earlier than my heart would like. It’s becoming so ugly and depressing and this isn’t even the beginning of winter yet. I find myself constantly thinking “Spring will come, Darling, Spring will come” a word God gave me when I was in a dark season in my past. My spring came then… and I {believe} our spring will come again.

My beloved spoke and said to me,
   “Arise, my darling,
   my beautiful one, come with me.
11 See! The winter is past;
   the rains are over and gone.
12 Flowers appear on the earth;
   the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
   is heard in our land.
13 The fig tree forms its early fruit;
   the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
   my beautiful one, come with me.”

Song of Solomon 2:10-13

Right now I’m believing with everything in me that our “spring will come” and clinging to that.

Advertisements

when words aren’t enough.

I have this deep welling up in me. I constantly feel like my body aches. I know it’s more mental and emotional but sometimes when I cry I just reach for my heart, as if it’s physical. As if I could ease the ache.

This is grief. And no matter how hard I try, there aren’t words to even describe the feeling inside of me… inside of Ted.

When I journal or I talk with friends or family, or when I blog or even when I pray… it’s hard to find the words. You might be thinking. “Seriously?!” because of how often I write here and how much I say. But the words, the words to describe this ache… there just aren’t words to express or portray even the slightest bit of how we ache inside.

When people asked me how I’m doing, I get this sudden lump in my throat and heat in my stomach and I literally have to fight the tears. I have this deep welling up inside that isn’t satisfied even by weeping (or writing, talking, singing…).

Yesterday, I realized a few really significant things for Ted and I.

First let me just say, I was really amazed at the response to my blog the “what ifs”. I knew being so raw and vunerable could leave people wondering why I would even share so much or even have people judge me. Honestly, I just didn’t care because I’ve shared where I am at this entire time and that day, I just really wanted to share.

In the responses to “the what ifs” post I received via email, facebook/twitter messages, here or a text message… I was in tears. Most of you would say “He knows” or “He knew” and things which spoke deeply to my heart. I know some of what was spoken to me was straight from the heart of God. 

He knows (our ache, our hearts, our struggles, etc)

He loves us.

And we are clinging to that right now.

We were visiting our dear friends the Cobbs yesterday and as we were about to leave we remembered the time their little girl (3) prayed for Chase who was screaming (teething). All she said was, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…” over and over. It was the most precious prayer, whispering his name over and over. My friend, Kat told us that they actually pray that way often because sometimes you just can’t find the words.

I love that and it rings so true in our lives. Sometimes, words aren’t enough. Right now, we can’t even find the words to speak even when we pray because this ache is so deep and overwhelming.

When I am weeping and crying out I can barely utter what my heart feels… but He knows. He knows my ache… Ted’s ache.

You might know those times (I think we’ve all been there at one point or another) when words aren’t enough. But He knows.

“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus… be with us now”

Let Me Tell You About Eisley.

(We asked our friend Nathan to write a short story about our Eisley-girl that could be read at her memorial. He wrote this beautiful piece.)

Let me tell you about Eisley . 

            We all waited for her with baited breaths, waiting for the day when we heard the news that all was well, waiting for the day when we could see Jami’s beauty and Ted’s passion in her eyes.  To have her little finger wrap around ours, to hear her laugh at the stupid faces we all make at babies…

Let me tell you about Eisley.

Everyone has a story, no matter how short or long their life, there is always a story, We know from Jeremiah that God knew her before she was formed he knew her story. . In every story there is beauty and every story is a part of an even greater tale. Often stories are filled with questions, some times the questions seem too great and distract us from the story, but we must remember the story, we must find the beauty in it.  Eisley has a story.

There is so much that we do not know about who she is, what she would have been as she grew, who she would have become, but there are things we do know, we know she was a fighter and she was stubborn we know that she was strong, we know the dreams her parents had for her, dreams that she would filled with life, to face the world head on vivaciously, we know the love that was and is had for her from a vast community.

 We mourn the loss of her life, here in our story, but envy the world of perfect, brilliant, beauty that she is now absorbed in.  We miss her dearly, the expectation of seeing her learn to laugh and dance, sing and run, to manipulate her daddy, like we all know she would have, we miss seeing the adoration that would have been in her eyes for her big brother, and in a few years the contempt of his playful picking. We miss the art that would have been created with Jami as they grew as mother and daughter.  We miss that deep-seated hope that everything will be ok. But friends, let me tell you… God is no less holding Eisley and us in his arms now, weeping with us as we mourn and celebrate, as he was every moment for these past months as we worried for her and Jami. I am filled with joy and longing as I picture Eisley walking side by side with our creator, her tiny hand cradled in his, the hand that formed her and all the universe, telling her stories of those who love her,  how proud he is of her parents, and brother, telling her the stories of those one day coming to join her. Telling her how much we and he love her.

Let Me Tell You About Eisley written by Nathan Rowlan

You Will Find Me

Ted and I were searching for music that spoke to us where we are at right now. He found this. Amazing.

You Will Find Me

When your souls weary//When you find doubt

When you can’t hear me// Lay your troubles down

In your dark moments//When your hearts weak

Bring yourself broken // You will find me

Who wrote the rain // Who wrote the sun in // Who called your name // Where are you running // I’m gonna be there near or far // I’m gonna meet you where you are // Who wrote your name // Who wrote the sun in

When you come thirsty // When the wells dry

 When your souls dirty // I am by your side

When your faiths broken // When you can’t see

With my arms open // You will find me

You carried all my shame // When you called my name // I am not the same

Who wrote the rain // Who wrote the sun in // Who called your name // Where are you running // I’m gonna be there near or far // I’m gonna meet you where you are // Who wrote your name // Who wrote the sun in

 

 

Where my heart and mind aren’t connecting.

The past few days I have been having flashbacks of the day Eisley’s heart stopped beating. It all comes back to me, like a nightmare, only this is our reality.

I’m lying in the hospital bed as they use the monitor to search for her heartbeat. 5 minutes pass, then 15, then 30. I think deep inside I knew but I kept hoping. 45 minutes passed and I began to have a hard time remembering to just breath.

My heart was racing and they kept finding my heartbeat low where hers normally was. Each time they would find my heart and I could hear it beating, I would just close my eyes and listen and feel my own heart in my chest. This wasn’t her heart, it was mine. My heart racing  because I knew she was gone.

They called Dr. Hill in and he came quickly along with an ultrasound machine. I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare as they plugged it in and kept thinking “This can’t be happening. I just felt her this morning”. They put the warm jelly on my stomach and I had to force my eyes to look at the screen that would tell me if my baby girl was still hanging on or not. I could see right away, she wasn’t reacting as she normally did when we had ultrasounds. I could see she was still. Dr. Hill brought the wand over my belly for a few minutes and finally pointed to the screen. He told me we were looking at her heart and that is was no longer beating.

I immediately began moaning and crying out “Oh God, no” over and over. The most horrible moment, realizing she was no longer with me.

I couldn’t even bring myself to call Ted and I had one of my favourite nurses make the dreaded call. Ted told me when he saw my number pop up on his phone, but heard Deb’s voice instead of mine; he knew. Our girl was gone.

Because I was alone so often, I had this horrible feeling that if I ever did lose Eisley, that I would be alone when I found out. And I was. My body shook from shock and sobbing for what seemed like forever but was probably not even an hour. I felt so alone and confused during that time. But when I finally regained my composure, I realized, I was most definitely not alone. Dr. Hill and two of my nurses had stayed by my side and  Dr. Hill was actually rubbing my leg to comfort me, which I didn’t notice until I looked around. Dr. Hill stood close to me with tears in his eyes and my nurses were crying as well as they stood by my bedside. I wasn’t completely alone; I was surrounded by two nurses who I have grown to love and our amazing Doctor who has been such an incredible blessing throughout our pregnancy. Once I really opened my eyes, I soaked up the comfort they offered me in that time and the tears they shared with me meant the world to me.

One thing I still wrestle with is that I didn’t feel God’s presence when I found out my daughter was gone. Maybe it was because of the hopes and dreams I had for her were gone in an instant, but in that few hours of my life, I felt so confused, and alone and even abandoned by the One I placed my hope in. That is the one part of the week that still bothers my heart greatly and I’m still trying to process the entire day… and the time I felt without Him. But He  did provide me with people who loved me and grieved with me, until Ted was able to get to Denver.

I guess where I am at currently, in this hour and sporadically throughout the past few days is denial. It sounds so twisted, that I can remember these horrible moments yet I feel like this can’t be happening. She can’t be gone. My heart still can’t believe what my mind keeps telling me. She is gone. I think that is why I keep having these flashbacks. I want to “make sense” of what happened.  I just want to understand what happened and it even ask it replays over and over it just doesn’t seem real. Denial. One of the “stages of grieving”, I know, I’ve heard. I go through probably all of the stages throughout one day and over and over sometimes. It will probably be like this for a while and I am really trying to let myself feel what I need to feel.

Yesterday little things I read or heard or saw kept triggering this feeling of  “it just doesn’t seem fair” in me. We had dreams and hopes for our daughter that were all gone in the instant they told us that her heart had stopped beating. Yesterday I kept thinking of Chase and how he will never know his little baby sister Eisley. They were going to be 16 months apart and they were going to be best friends. He was going to be her protector and give her big sloppy wet kisses. He was going to be the best big brother Eisley could ever had. All of those dreams are gone… and it breaks my heart more than words can say.

I will always tell Chase and someday our other children, of Eisley and who she was and the legacy she left behind, but it does break my heart that they will never personally know her and grow up with her. I watch Chase run around and I mourn the loss of his baby sister who I want so badly to be running along side him.

Our hearts and minds are having a hard time connecting the dots between what is reality and where we had such  hopes and dreamed for our daughter. It’s even hard for me to put into words because it’s so obvious physically… she is gone… yet my heart doesn’t quite grasp that fully.

I know this is kind of  a raw post, but it’s where I am at and I always want to be real and raw. Will you please pray for me? For Ted? For our hearts and minds to begin to connect the dots as we mourn the dreams we had for our Eisley and at the loss of her life. I am not strong, I am really the weakest I have ever felt. It’s not that I am in an unhealthy place but I’m hurting and aching and in need of your prayers. Ted is too.

Thanks for your love and support in this time.

If Chase Could Talk…

This is what I think he’d say…

Thank for singing “you are my sunshine” & praying for me every evening while I was inside mommy.

I still love that song because of you.

Thank you for being being mommy & I’s strength for those long 42 hours before I arrived.

We couldn’t have done that without you.

Thank you for giving me such security in your arms and helping me sleep peacefully on those bad, bad nights.

Thank you for the comfort I find when I am around you Daddy.

I {adore} you.

Thank you for sharing your passions with mommy and me.

When I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

Thank you for wrestling me, chasing after me, letting me get dirty and for teaching me to fake burp even though mommy’s not really into that.

Thank you for being such a wonderful daddy to me.

(Jami here ;) ) Baby, I am in awe of how you love and adore our son. You two are  so much alike; both driven, unqiue, determined, “outside the box” thinkers, never giving up easily, slightly stubborn, comforting, passionate, etc. Not to mention, he looks just like you.

I am so blessed to have you father my kiddos. You’re a natural, babe.

And the way you love Little Baby D already, really causes my heart to swell with pride. I’m excited we’re doing life together and you’re the daddy of my precious kiddos. Thank you, myTed!

{Happy Father’s Day!}

What’s Next?

An ‘I’m so tired this will have to do’ update on our plans. I will write a more detailed blog when I have energy!

The basics;

  • After research, Ted felt that college would be the best way to pursue photojournalism with excellence. We will no longer be doing the SOP1 (School of Photography 1).
  • We are still pursuing photojournalism and Ted is going to spend the next 1 1/2 getting his associates in journalism.
  • Ted starts full time school next week.
  • Ted’s getting a part time job. (He already has a paying job leading worship at our church)
  • We are about to begin the search for a home to rent here in Ft. Collins. Hope to be moved in before little baby D comes.

Okay, more later. :)

Beyond Blessed (a random post).

-Yesterday & most of today I rested (cause I am not feeling well) and hung out with my son and my grandma while watching Project Runway season 6 (a bday gift) which makes me want to, first, learn to truly sew (more than onesies & pillows) and secondly, to be creative.

-Watching Chase explore his new surroundings is actually really blessing me. He reminds me of the endless possibilities and how the little, simple things in life can bring such joy. (Seriously, spend some time with a kiddo and you’ll know just what I am talking about!) He is such a fun boy. Super silly and is constantly surprising me with the new things he learns. For example, yesterday he just started dancing to music. I said “dance” and he would! I was stunned. He finally got it!

Here are is a video I took with the mac (i wanted to hurry and capture the moment, sorry for the quality);

-My Grandpa hung Chase’s new swing on the playground in the backyard. This boy loves to be outside and especially, to swing. I think every kid probably loves these things. It’s refreshing, freeing. I came out to find him swinging and smiling and snapped a few photos. :)

-I have also had a lot more time with Ted lately and that’s been an incredible blessing. I guess I didn’t realize just how much time we spent apart. Tonight we went out for a date for the first time since my birthday!

-It wasn’t a super long date, only 2 hours in fact, but it was great spending time alone. Ted is such a great man. He is adreamer and I absolutely love that.  He, like Chase, is constantly keeping me on my toes! I really wouldn’t change my dreamer in for anything. Even when the dreams are sometimes frightening and/or crazy, like his current one. I can’t say… anything really… but tomorrow he flies to Alaska for a two week trip which will determine a lot for our future. He believes in excellence and will do whatever it takes to be excellent in the things he is passionate in!

Maybe soon, I will be sharing something. quite. huge.

-The past few weeks of transition have been rough, but my eyes have been opened to see just how blessed we are. I am trying to focus on that lately, despite the times that are hard.

Here’s to counting our blessings!

Trust Me.

To me these pictures portray a beautiful picture of God, our Father.

They also portray exactly what I wanted to write about in this post; {Trust}.

To me, trust{ing} is difficult, it is precious, it is fragile. It typically takes me a while to be able to trust someone, something. It takes a lot of precious time and discernment for me. And once broken, it takes a while for me to trust again.

For the longest time, I actually felt like God was untrustworthy. I felt abandoned, neglected, wounded. “Where were You when I needed You the most?” was the question I often asked.

I remember in my DTS, a speaker taught on the father heart of God. I was skeptical at first, but then I could not help but be completely captivated by the man’s undeniable trust that this was who God was.  3 years later, this same speaker came through YWAM Denver and this time spoke to the staff. He shared about something in his past that broke him; the loss of the woman he loved. He shared about how much he questioned his Father and how he felt God ask him to lay down the question of “why” and put his complete trust in Him, despite everything. And let me just say, you can see how much this man loves and trusts God.

He challenged me to truly trust God. I am so thankful that our Father allows us to ask the tough questions. But I also know now, that when we put our trust in Him, when we truly put aside the questions of “why”, we feel the most peace. I know now, He will never leave me nor forsake me. This is what I cling to.

At Eagle Rock Wednesday morning, we had a time of worship. I wasn’t going to go because we’d had such a bad night with Chase, but I really felt like I should. I went with Chase on my hip. From the moment I walked into worship, someone else had Chase. Most mornings I want him in my arms, but this morning I knew God wanted to speak to me and He needed my undivided attention.

I couldn’t sing every song, every word and I spent time just listening. I felt God asking me to trust him with my son. I’ve been struggling with trusting him with my everything for a very, very long time and this was one area that I haven’t completely given him. He asked me and it took me a while and I  finally {said} I would trust him with Chase. That was just the problem with the times before, when He’d ask me to trust him with Chase. I said, but didn’t do.

Wednesday evening Chase fell from our a 3′ plus bed onto concrete floor. It was one split second that changed everything for Ted and I. We were terrified. Chase was screaming and wouldn’t even eat. After a few minutes he calmed, ate and then became lethargic. We panicked and drove a van down the mountain to the Emergency Room in Arvada. On the drive down, we were almost speechless with fear. I sat with my hand on Chase, questioning God. “Did you ask me to trust you with my son because you knew this would happen?” I was so upset, “How could you let this happen?” I thought. . A lot of our relationship has been built around this wall of fear and mistrust in Him and here I was again, questioning him.

I immediately realized that He did not do this and that He was trustworthy. He was telling me to trust Him despite the outcome. Still terrified for my son, I felt peace. I fully and completely gave my son to him, for the first time. I can’t explain this in any other way then by saying, I feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. The burden of “being in control”, gone.

We went to the ER and Chase was completely okay. Just a little shaken up. I have wondered if I would still be saying I can trust in Him or that I gave Chase to Him if something was wrong, but I know a peace right now like never before because I know I am not in control. He is.

This picture makes me cry.

How much I love my son… it’s indescribable. I would give my life for him in a heartbeat. I would never leave him nor forsake him.

Why would I ever doubt if my Father would do the same for me? For you?

Securing Our Photos.

I am going to start adding either colourherhope or teddavisphoto to our photos. This is a test.

I thought adding this would be good for a few reasons, one because  you would know which one of us actually took the photo.

Edit: Ted just told me, he is going to make one for his photos. SO this will look different in the photos to come. :)