I will remember, I will grieve.

The very moment they put Eisley in my arms, after they cleaned and dressed her, I felt a peace wash over me. For the first time in my life I felt the “peace that passes understanding”. I looked at my beautiful baby girl and just knew… it was right that she was with Him. It wasn’t because she looked ill or sick… she didn’t, in fact, to the naked human eye, she was perfect. Her hands, her fingers, her tiny finger nails, her feet, her toes, her little nose that looked like Chase’s and her lips that were shaped like mine but big like her daddy’s.

She was perfect. But I knew, she was meant to be with Him.

I can’t really explain it, but yesterday from the moment that I first held her to our final earthly goodbyes, I felt peace. She is whole and healthy with Him. She rests between His shoulders. She isn’t suffering, she isn’t fighting. It is what is best for her.

I thought her being here with us would be best for her and now I know it wasn’t.

Like so many people, I felt like Eisley was going to make it. I truly felt, deep inside, she was going to win this battle for her life. I did. I don’t have answers, and right now, I don’t feel like I need an answer. Right now, I just know, it is right that she is with Him but we are grieving that she isn’t with us.

Someday, maybe soon, I may question this. Right now, I feel the utmost peace, the kind which passes my understanding. The kind that says, this is truly difficult and I am filled with sorrow, but God I trust You and will rest in that.

The day I found out Eisley’s heart stopped beating, that her fight was done… I didn’t feel peace. I can’t really say what exactly I felt.

Today,I ache. I ache deep inside. When I cry, I keep literally reaching for my heart just wanting the pain that’s deep inside to just calm. The ache that feels almost physical, to stop.

I grieve as I sit here with this stillness in my womb. Silence. My body no longer holds my precious Eisley. She is no longer here with me on earth.

We are filled with grief and stricken with sorrow, we will be for months and years to come. I will always ache when September 14th rolls around each year, the day her little heart stopped fighting. I will still remember September 17th, the day of her birth, as bittersweet. I will still cry and wonder what life would be like with her when her due date, December 17th comes each year.

But even more than just those 3 dates, I will mourn and grieve maybe every day from here on out for a while. That’s okay and I know that. 

But I will also remember.

On April 26 I will remember with joy, the day that I found out we were pregnant with our little surprise baby. I will still remember rejoicing on August 8th at our ‘Pink or Blue party’ where we found our we were having a girl, our precious Eisley. I will remember feeling her little kicks and hiccups deep inside.I will remember the very first time I felt her kick from the outside, at the very same time her daddy felt too.  I will remember the ultrasounds where we watched her suck her thumb and stick her tongue out. I will remember the heart monitoring and hearing her swift heart beat, beat, beat to let me know she was okay.  I will remember the night before she passed, when she reacted to her daddy’s voice as he talked to my belly. I will remember her final kicks to me the morning she passed away, like she was saying goodbye to me. I will remember the day we finally gave birth to her, September 17th-  the perfect delivery of our beautiful baby girl and the peace that washed over Ted and I when we held her. I will remember how perfect her little nose, mouth, ears, toes, feet, fingers… how perfect and beautiful she was.

Our Eisley is with Him, which is really comforting, but we still ache and we will. We feel the loss of our daughter so strong right now.

And we will never, ever forget Eisley and her journey, her strength and the the legacy she left behind before even entering the world. We will never forget what we have learned as we were allowed to be her parents. She was a miracle baby is now safely in the arms of her Heavenly Daddy.

We will remember and we will grieve, but we will someday she her again.

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Arrival.

Eisley Antalya Davis

Born September 17, 2010

2:10 pm

12.5 ounces & 10.5 inches long

She was so strong in her battle to survive. She was stunning, beautiful and perfect. And now she is whole and healthy in His arms.

We love you Eisley. You are our sunshine. Our little joy. Your little legacy and journey has changed how we view life now and has inspired us to live better lives and to be better people.

You shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace, my sweet Eisley.

Big changes ahead!

We had our appointment with the fetal medicine specialist today. Eisley’s amniotic fluid is measuring at 8.61 which is better than a week ago. The blood flow from the placenta to Eisley is still showing absent diastolic flow so we need to keep praying for that to change. Next Tuesday she will have another weight measurement (they do it every two weeks).

There are some very big changes coming up soon. I am currently 26 weeks and 3 days and they’ve been waiting for me to reach 28 weeks to make some changes. Starting next Tuesday, they will begin giving me steroid shots which should help her lung development and prep for a possible delivery. They will also give me an IV with magnesium sulfate which will help her neurological developement.

As for “when will they deliver?” that is still up in the air and depends on so many things. Until I transfer, we will not know. They may decide to deliver because of her small chances inside the womb or they may have me wait it out, week by week. I think we will know more when we move.

The reason for the transfer is that the NICU at the University Hospital in Aurora can handle babies under 2 lbs and they are better trained to take care of the smaller babies.

Here are some specific prayer requests;

  • Eisley to grow and be nourished until she must be born.
  • A smooth transfer to the new hospital.
  • That God would guide my new doctors, nurses and specialist in when to deliver, etc.
  • That my body would react well to the magnesium sulfate. Dr. Daye told me that most of the time the mother is uncomfortable, hot and weak.
  • I will be further away from my family and friends and will be getting new doctors/nurses/specialists, which will be hard.

I am encouraged that we will soon be taking more steps than just “waiting it out”! She is doing well considering everything she is going through. Please keep praying for a miracle… it’s already a miracle that she has made it this far, but I long to meet her and watch her grow up too. Please intercede for our daughter!

More hopeful news.

The specialists office had a change of plans and decided to do my appointment this morning because tomorrow she is booked. Right now I am seeing the specialist twice a week, typically Mondays and Fridays, so I wasn’t really  mentally prepared (as if you could be) for todays appointment, plus I am alone today too, so I was nervous.

Side note: They check weekly on the amniotic fluid levels and they do a doppler to check the blood flow from placenta to baby. Bi weekly they do a measurement checkup on Eisley.

When they checked her fluid last Friday it was at 8 something (they prefer to see 10-20) and then on Monday her fluid was at 9.15. Today her fluid is UP even more to 10.75! I was thrilled to watch that number go up! Then when they checked the placenta blood flow, I was so nervous, because the past two appointments had shown major concerns with the blood flow. Today I am happy to say that although there are still occasional absence of blood flow, it is back up as well!

A few more encouraging signs;

  • She is still scoring an 8 out of 8 on her bio-physical profile where they check her movements, her breathing, swallowing, etc. SHE is doing well and staying strong despite her placenta problems.
  • I can now feel her hiccups in my belly when a week and a half ago, I could SEE them during an ultrasound but couldn’t feel them.
  • Her bladder filled while doing the ultrasound today which is a good sign that her kidneys are still doing well despite everything.

So this may not seem like a lot but to me this is so much. I am hopeful and so was my specialist.

And I wish I had my scanner to show you the two SUPER cute ultrasound pics as of late. One of her sucking her thumb and one (of today) where she sticks her tongue out!!

Please keep praying because although this is really good news and a good sign we are not out of the clear. We need her to put on weight and we need the placenta to keep working. Please keep praying for nourishment, improvement, growth and healing.

Thank you!

x, Jami

a little bit of hope goes a long, long way

Today we met with the fetal medicine specialist (thankfully they are attached to the hospital, so they just wheel me over). Right before the appointment I felt sick to my stomach and told Ted (who came down for the appointment) that I didn’t want to go and asked if we could cancel it.

I am so weary of hearing bad news and I really felt like I was doing good emotionally and mentally. I was taking it a day at a time, enjoying hearing her heart tones once daily and feeling her movements within. It is my bright hope amidst all of the bad news and fear.

Anyways, we went to the appointment and although her placenta still show concerning blood flow to and from the placenta to her (that’s been the same since friday), her amniotic fluid was up a little bit. It was a level 8 on friday and is now a level 9.15 today. It is hope, it is saying something is working to get it back up. We’re holding onto this hope and boy do I feel overjoyed. (Although levels should be 10-20s we will gladly take a 9.15 over an 8)

For the first time since we’ve been seeing the fms, she had good news and was actually optimistic. She told us Eisley’s bio physical  profile scored an 8 out of 8, which means, her breathing, her movement, her muscle tone, etc is doing well despite everything she is going through. AMEN! She is a fighter.

And He is in the womb with her being her strength. I just know it. I feel that way very strongly and I’ve had two friends give me almost the same picture of Jesus in the womb with her.

Please continue to pray for her healing, growth, nourishment, etc. She’s ounces away from being able to be born, she is 9 oz (hopefully more since last monday, but they check her weight and measure her next Tuesday) and she needs to be at least 16 oz preferably more.

 We still have a long road ahead of us, but we’re taking it a day at a time. We are holding onto hope that she’s going to keep holding on until she’s able to meet us face to face.  She’s now made it one week more than they thought possible, here’s to many more! Grow Eisley grow!

17 Days…

until Chase is 5 months. Whoa. So, I figured, I’d better post his 4 month photos before it’s too late :)

The photoshoot ends when he finds the sticker. :)
He was so excited to pull it off. A big accomplishment to him. haha.
All done. Happy belated 4 months lil man!

Well-Baby Check up.

Chase is 4 months old today.
Whoa.

Chase is healthy as can be. Since his last check up (blogged here), he has gained 4oz putting him at 15 lbs 15 oz. He has slowed down in the weight gain and my little arms are ever so grateful. However, he is looong. 28 3/4 inches in fact, which dwarfs me. When I see my friend, who is my height (5’1), I cannot believe just how long he is. He makes me look even shorter than I am, if that’s possible :) And, just in case you’re super-duper curious; his head is measuring 17 inches. Also, f you haven’t already noticed, he has his daddy’s ears :) I think they are already as big as mine. Teheheee.

There was something different about this appointment… ah yes, the opinionated intern. She made my day. They had her do the well-baby check up. That part I didn’t mind, it was her opinions about how I raise my baby that bothered me. First, she asked me a list of questions, one of my answers sparked a lecture from her.
Intern: “When you go to get him from his crib in the morning, has he rolled onto his tummy?”
Me: “He sleeps beside our bed for most of the night and then when he wakes to eat at 4-4:30 am he comes to bed with me.”
Intern: “You know that is a bad idea, don’t you?”
Ted: “What? Sleeping on his back?”
Intern: “No. Sleeping him sleeping in your bed.”
Me: “I’ve heard the arguments but it is what we prefer.”
Intern: (The gist) “…at this age he should learn that he can soothe himself and that he doesn’t need you to comfort him all of the time…let him cry it out… besides, you won’t want him in your bed as 6 years old….” ect.


What?! Isn’t that apart of being a momma? Comforting your child who is 4 months old and does not know how to manipulate and is crying for a reason. Teaching him from early on that this is a safe and secure environment.

I disagreed with almost everything she went on to say, but kept silent. Part of me wanted to tell her the benefits of him sleeping beside or in our bed, but I believe that each parent is different in personality and each child as well and you can’t state that as fact. You shouldn’t tell someone that the way you parent is the way they should, because every child is different, every parent is different. You can share ideas, but you really cannot state it as fact: “this is what works for everyone.” What may work for us, may not work for you and visa versa.

I’ve read both extremes; Attachment Parenting by Dr. Sears and Baby Wise by Dr. Robert Bucknam. We lean more towards Attachment Parenting. I do like some things in Baby Wise but we prefer the AP. And naturally, on our own, so far the things we have implemented into our lives as parents work for us; we have a healthy, happy and super content baby that knows he is loved.

I express the way we do things on my blog because …it’s my blog. I hope that I never make it seem like the way we do things is the end all. The say. It’s not! It’s simply what works for us and what we personally desire!

Okay, enough of that. How about some cute videos?

Cute Lil Roller from Jami Davis on Vimeo.


This Lil Piggy is Yummy! from Jami Davis on Vimeo.


Telling me a story. from Jami Davis on Vimeo.

He does look upset, but he is really not. He is just talking :)
p.s. 4 month photoshoot pics to come

Oh, This Belly.

tv reflection 40w 6d

My back is continuing to ache pretty badly, but that’s to be expected right now I would say. I’ve taken 3 walks today and have walked up and down our staircase 15 times. All of which I am feeling now. I’m about to take a nap because that helps me pass the day away, and it also let’s me stretch out a bit for our baby’s sake. He/she is pretty crammed, poor baby.

red wine to “induce labor” ick.
I reaaally don’t like wine. Weird huh? So I’ve now had two glasses in a week. Trying to get things a moving. I really don’t want a c-section, but nothing seems to work for me right now!

here’s to hoping, right?
Ted’s been amazing at massaging my feet lately. Obviously, there is an ulterior motive, but I’m not complaining either way. He wants to meet the baby just as bad as me. The evening primrose us supposed to soften my cervix, but not induce labor. I’ve been taking this as well. It’s made my eczema clear up pretty quickly, that’s for sure!

oh, this belly.
Notice my beautiful fingernails are gone. Another scar from the anxiety ;)

Can’t you see my daughter wearing this?!

And my son, this?

48 Hours.

Our appointment this morning was encouraging. How? My blood pressure had gone back down, which meant they didn’t need to schedule an emergency C section! So that is good news.

Everything still looks the same as it did yesterday morning, minus the high blood pressure. They did another ultrasound of the baby to measure the amnionic fluid and make sure the baby still had enough. The last two ultrasounds have been way different than our first 3. Meaning, our baby is so big inside right now, that we can barely see what is what inside. I mean, the doctor knows and tells us, but it’s nothing like the profile shots we were seeing at 6 months. He/she is just so crammed, you can make anything out! I could only make out the head :)
We had just enough fluid inside to be able to keep the baby safe. We measured 10, whatever that means and the point at which they would do an emergency c section is 8. So that was also good news!
What’s next? You guessed it… another appointment and this one is 48 hours away. Thursday morning at 8:50 AM (mst) we will be going in and Dr. Hill will check up on everything and most likely we will be talking about a scheduled c section. At this point, with where my body is at and where the baby is, they aren’t talking about inducing me. They are hoping that I will go into labor naturally between now and Thursday morning. I can’t imagine them letting me go through another weekend and into the 42 week because of the baby’s size and how the fluid is beginning to run low.
What do I think of this? I will probably write another blog tomorrow because I will need something to preoccupy my mind, but as of right now I am seeking peace and what I want most is our baby to come safely. We just can’t wait to meet him/her. This is so hard, this waiting game.
I really try to look on the bright side of things throughout the pregnancy with aches and ailments and such, because I really wanted to enjoy this process (and I have!) but I am really hurting! My body has just taken a toll and it is ready to have our baby. My stomach can stretch no further (I’m serious!!) and my lower back is aching pretty terribly today, which might be due to the fact that I’ve had to lie on my back for longer than is comfortable at appointments. And sleeping is hard to come by, probably due mostly to anxiety.
Anyways, here we are in the final stretch and I am finally letting pregnancy “get to me” and feeling a bit grumpy about everything going on. Please pray for me to keep a good attitude to the end! It’s pretty hard right now!
Thanks for your prayers and love! Hopefully soon we will be “introducing” you to our baby!

The Simple Things.

I am looking forward to doing the simple little things again;
  • picking things up off the floor on my own
  • turning the car radio or air conditioner on from the passenger seat without asking for help
  • typing on a keyboard without stretching my short little arms
  • getting in and out of bed
  • having a towel wrap around my body completely
  • cooking without my belly touching hot items occasionally
  • sitting down without feeling like I’m smashing something important on our baby
  • scratching an itch on my leg :)
  • wearing shirts without my underbelly hanging out
  • getting in and out of our car
  • hugging my hubby with our baby in my arms, not my belly