The very moment they put Eisley in my arms, after they cleaned and dressed her, I felt a peace wash over me. For the first time in my life I felt the “peace that passes understanding”. I looked at my beautiful baby girl and just knew… it was right that she was with Him. It wasn’t because she looked ill or sick… she didn’t, in fact, to the naked human eye, she was perfect. Her hands, her fingers, her tiny finger nails, her feet, her toes, her little nose that looked like Chase’s and her lips that were shaped like mine but big like her daddy’s.
She was perfect. But I knew, she was meant to be with Him.
I can’t really explain it, but yesterday from the moment that I first held her to our final earthly goodbyes, I felt peace. She is whole and healthy with Him. She rests between His shoulders. She isn’t suffering, she isn’t fighting. It is what is best for her.
I thought her being here with us would be best for her and now I know it wasn’t.
Like so many people, I felt like Eisley was going to make it. I truly felt, deep inside, she was going to win this battle for her life. I did. I don’t have answers, and right now, I don’t feel like I need an answer. Right now, I just know, it is right that she is with Him but we are grieving that she isn’t with us.
Someday, maybe soon, I may question this. Right now, I feel the utmost peace, the kind which passes my understanding. The kind that says, this is truly difficult and I am filled with sorrow, but God I trust You and will rest in that.
The day I found out Eisley’s heart stopped beating, that her fight was done… I didn’t feel peace. I can’t really say what exactly I felt.
Today,I ache. I ache deep inside. When I cry, I keep literally reaching for my heart just wanting the pain that’s deep inside to just calm. The ache that feels almost physical, to stop.
I grieve as I sit here with this stillness in my womb. Silence. My body no longer holds my precious Eisley. She is no longer here with me on earth.
We are filled with grief and stricken with sorrow, we will be for months and years to come. I will always ache when September 14th rolls around each year, the day her little heart stopped fighting. I will still remember September 17th, the day of her birth, as bittersweet. I will still cry and wonder what life would be like with her when her due date, December 17th comes each year.
But even more than just those 3 dates, I will mourn and grieve maybe every day from here on out for a while. That’s okay and I know that.
But I will also remember.
On April 26 I will remember with joy, the day that I found out we were pregnant with our little surprise baby. I will still remember rejoicing on August 8th at our ‘Pink or Blue party’ where we found our we were having a girl, our precious Eisley. I will remember feeling her little kicks and hiccups deep inside.I will remember the very first time I felt her kick from the outside, at the very same time her daddy felt too. I will remember the ultrasounds where we watched her suck her thumb and stick her tongue out. I will remember the heart monitoring and hearing her swift heart beat, beat, beat to let me know she was okay. I will remember the night before she passed, when she reacted to her daddy’s voice as he talked to my belly. I will remember her final kicks to me the morning she passed away, like she was saying goodbye to me. I will remember the day we finally gave birth to her, September 17th- the perfect delivery of our beautiful baby girl and the peace that washed over Ted and I when we held her. I will remember how perfect her little nose, mouth, ears, toes, feet, fingers… how perfect and beautiful she was.
Our Eisley is with Him, which is really comforting, but we still ache and we will. We feel the loss of our daughter so strong right now.
And we will never, ever forget Eisley and her journey, her strength and the the legacy she left behind before even entering the world. We will never forget what we have learned as we were allowed to be her parents. She was a miracle baby is now safely in the arms of her Heavenly Daddy.
We will remember and we will grieve, but we will someday she her again.