I have to write. Even before the internet, blogs, or Instagram…it’s just the way I’m wired. And for years now, I’ve even written publicly, yes. I know that our journey and my personal walk with grief, posted publicly, has touched other momma’s/families who’ve lost a baby.
I filter out what I feel is too much. But share the rest for you, for them…And call me selfish, but sometimes, just for me. To know I’m not alone, to be heard and mostly I write to share her.
My daughter, our precious Eisley-girl.
My mom recently said something that touched me so deeply. She said since I carried Eisley and knew her more than anyone, that when she read what I’ve written and what I’ve shared about Eisley. She feels like she knew her too. She feels like she knows what she was like and who she was and would have been.
That my sharing had given Eisley a personality for her.
I love that.
I want people to know our Eisley-girl. I still struggle with her being forgotten, and to hear my Madre speak this, felt comforting to my heart.
She’s known. She’s remembered. She’s longed for. She’s missed.
4 years since her death and in 3 days, 4 years since her birth… Where am I at now?
Today I was reflecting on … Well, a lot. For one, I realized how thankful I am that God gave us Chaseyboy first. Before Eisley.
What felt utterly impossible after losing Eisley, became possible when I saw this smile and the life in his eyes in the days, and now years, that have followed Eisley’s death.
Chaseyboy has walked alongside us in our ups and downs in our grief. Learning how to live life after loss has been the most difficult journey Ted and I have had to walk.
I struggle with feeling like loss has changed me as a mother, a wife, and a person, for the worst… I feel more emotional, more sensitive… I already felt like a “sensitive soul” but since we lost Eisley I feel like I feel TOO much. I sometimes wish I could just shut it all off, bury my grief and just move along as if I’m the same as who I was before. But again, even today, I look at this face…
And I’m moved to want to choose life amidst grief. It seems like such a gnarly contradiction… And in some ways it is, but I’ve realized today, 4 years later, that it’s a mess but a beautiful mess.
It’s our life, our loss, our reality.
Our journey. We face it every day.
And I want to embrace this beautiful mess.
There were seasons where I felt like it was all just messy. And finding the ‘beautiful’ parts were difficult.
I don’t think I have to choose between the two, but instead I need to embrace both the beautiful and the messy.
And that’s exactly what I aim to do from here on out. I don’t wanna beat myself up anymore for it not being more ‘beautiful’ or thinking it’s too ‘messy’ like it often feels.
4 years later and I’m finally saying, beautiful mess, I accept you.