Life

My-heart-all-over-the-place…(an update of sorts)

(This post was written and edited a month ago, just now found the time … or maybe the courage… and decided to publish it.)

To write or to sleep.

We’ve all heard the saying “Sleep while they’re sleeping.” While most nights I wrestle between journaling or sleeping (it’s not even a fair wrestling match anymore; sleep is like BAM and it’s over)… tonight I’m not even torn between the two. I know my heart and mind are full and I’ve got to pour it out.

I know I also want to post this one publicly.

So here I am… a bit of an update but more than anything my raw heart. Our hearts. Where we are at… the really REAL stuff – like I like it. :) You know me… TMI and “OMG did she really just post that for the whole world to read!” Yep, this is me. Here I go again.

Tonight, on the drive home from dropping Ted’s mom off at the airport… we had it out with our almost 5-year-old which led to hurtful words spat and tears to fall from Ted and I. PARENTING IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART, let me tell ya.1540466_10154127599490727_1274122521_o

As we ended the argument conversation with Chase, I watched his red and teary face in the rear view mirror, I felt this all-too-familiar feeling and literally grasped “at my heart”. I remembered the tragic loss a fellow blogging momma had, just a few weeks back. Her bright and bubbly 3-year-old son’s life was suddenly, and tragically taken when we was struck by a passing vehicle. Tonight, as we finished arguing, I remembered their story. And I felt oh so challenged,,, even though these moments of arguing, quite frankly, suck… I want them.

I want all of the moments, not just the fun and easy ones, but the ones that make me struggle as a parent. The ones where my sensitive soul takes over and I cry over the hurtful words that my kid speaks (yes, sometimes I do). I want all of these moments, I was struck tonight at how horrible our drive home felt, we felt defeated and yet as I looked from my seat to his and saw his eyes, I couldn’t help but to be thankful. Reminded that even these moments that feel so ugly and heart wrenching: they are life.

PRECIOUS LIFE.

Remembering the couple’s story causes me to revisit my own grief. Time is so fleeting and oh so precious. LIFE is. It takes me back to the hospital room, 7 months pregnant, where I was told our Eisley-girl had passed away within me. I feel this ache in my chest and hot tears in my eyes even now as I type this. It’s grief and it takes me back, again and again and again – to the reminder of how PRECIOUS our time and our life is. And that we need to cherish it and live NOW. Live for the now, not for the “laters” in life.

We have lists – written or imagined – of the “somedays” and the “laters” in our lives…

On our drive home (and after said Family Feud) The Sweetest Name by the United Pursuit Band burst loudly through our speakers.

I will sing of

how you draw me

out of darkness

into Glory

Quite emotional after a) dropping my Mother-In-Law off at the airport and b) the seriously difficult “brawl” with Chaseyboy on the way home… I just felt like sobbing when this part of the song rang through our van.

And I just felt totally rocked with YES, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT FOR OUR LIVES.

After the draining conversation with Chase, we just hit a rock bottom of sorts. Sudden moments like tonight where we’re caused to push aside the “busyness” of our lives and address difficult and painful things. Where suddenly we were forced to FEEL.

When we remember what we value and what we long for. When we remember what we know we are to be doing.

Which leads me to our NOW and what we are doing in the next years to follow…

We’ve been doubting our move and next season in life pretty much since it became real and since we’ve stepped our feet into our home. OUR HOME (still so surreal!). It’s set in stone, it’s happened. We are here and here to stay for a while. Roots, people. The Davis Family has actually landed. I can just hear the gasps :)

But after a night like tonight, where we’ve been forced to set aside our busy life and face emotions (which obviously led to multiple emotions felt, ha!) we feel as though our Maker took this time to remind us of what He’s called us to and to breath a sort of peace into our lives again. We can embark on this new season, new journey, with confidence.

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So where?,…you might ask…

Ready for this… after an almost 5 year hiatus, we are jumping back into YWAM (Youth With A Mission)! After A LOT of thought, time, energy and multiple visits to the base (oh, and even a little bit of prayer ;))… we’ve decided to step back into YWAM at the Colorado Springs base in Colorado.

What happened to “We are moving to Thailand fall 2014!!!!!!!!!”

     Simply put (and oh my, this is humbling) we are not prepared. It is currently not practical for us to fly overseas and settle in Thailand- even though it is our ultimate goal. We do not have anything nailed down for our vision yet. We have also decided it is the absolute best thing for our family to stay in one place for at least 3-5 years (maybe more) We would like to spend the next years focusing on getting our family prepared for Thailand. YWAM Colorado Springs is equipped for this very thing.

We actually feel like God’s saying, “Hey, I put this dream and passion into you guys… but let’s spend some more time developing and growing the vision… and honestly, first, take the time to focus on your family. Your ministry and dreams will follow.” 

After a lot of thought and prayer, we feel YWAM Colorado Springs is where we will take the steps necessary to prepare us for our future. (Another cool thing about the base: Thailand is one of their focus nations!)

While in Amsterdam, we felt our eyes were opened to some vision in us in regards to family and a big eye opener was Chaseyboy, who really struggled and has struggled with every move. I know a part of that is age, but we also feel that a large factor is the constant change and inconsistencies. It’s time to plant some roots for the kiddos and to figure out some things in our personal lives (hi, vague!) and to beginning nailing down plans IN Thailand from afar.

Ted will be working mainly in the YWAM Colorado Springs communication department and also still work as a wedding photography with American Wedding Group and his own personal work.

I will still be at home with the kiddos, but will now have my hand in the homeschool co-op they run at YWAM Colorado Springs. I’m taking this summer and fall to decide if there is anything more I feel I should be a part of at the base – there is SO much opportunity there! Right now, I feel like my main “ministry” is my kids and learning how to navigate the parenting waters. So that’s what I’m focusing on currently.

We will be living on 2/3 our own income and 1/3 support. .

We feel so very hopeful for this season we’ve now entered. We haven’t shared “HEEEEY, WE’RE GOING BACK TO YWAM” probably due to fear of man. But we are now sharing… because it’s really happening … and you’ll find out soon anyways if you haven’t already … ;)

No really, tonight we are sharing because we are confident. We want to walk forward in confidence on the spirit He’s placed in us to decide THIS IS BEST for our family right now.

There has been an incredible doubt and fear in this step we’ve taken, leaving behind Ted’s very good paying job at the bank to join YWAM again. In some ways, the enemy has tempted us to view this as a step backwards – which it is NOT. I’m declaring it and sharing it :)

Anyways… a wordy blog to share an update and that life is PRECIOUS and time is fleeting.

Let’s push aside the unnecessary busy of our lives and focus on LIVING this precious life to the fullest – whatever that means to you or yours personally.!

Thank you for taking the time to read this novel.

Much love,

-J

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “My-heart-all-over-the-place…(an update of sorts)

  1. I just came across your blog a few nights ago while searching for an idea for memorial tatoo of my infant daughter that just passed away on 6/29/14. First i want to say i love your tatoo of sweet Eisley’s foot prints…thats exactly what i had in mind. Second, i read your blog for two hours straight and can relate to you so much about losing your daughter. i was 22 weeks 4 days when we lost our sweet Madelyn. My sadness is so overwhelming still.. I can’t imagine ever getting through this but you have given me hope that I can! I love your whole story and thank you for helping me!

    1. Hi sweet Momma,
      I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Madelyn. It seems silly to some, but having her little footprints on me really help me to feel she is near.

      You will get through this, you will. Cling to hope but mostly, let yourself grieve. Don’t hold back.

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