My jet lag has officially worn off, yet I still found myself awake way before the sun today. I laid in bed, my thoughts whirling; going back to sleep was impossible. The difference this morning is that I can pinpoint the exact issue causing this inner turmoil.
Today our sweet Chaseyboy starts 4-year-old preschool. While we were in Amsterdam we felt this was needed as soon as we came back. The fall I attended my Counseling school was the same fall that we had originally decided we would start homeschooling Chase. I always thought, and still do in many ways, that homeschooling would be the way we’d go. As you can imagine, I didn’t teach him a thing this fall.
This is the cause for my inner struggle today. I guess for me, since homeschooling was the initial goal, I feel like failure. Or at least until I take a moment to really allow myself to think about where I am at.
I have always been thankful that I was an adaptable, go-with-the-flow momma. I’ve never boasted it, but deep down, I felt proud of myself. When I became a mother, my body adapted well to minimal sleep. If my plans were altered at all for the day, no problem. I wasn’t in constant need of my husband to swoop in and save me when he got home, or to be up late with me during night feedings, or to take turns doing this or that, etc. The occasional new and exhausting problems arose and while I’d stumble through them, I still felt I was able to function.
While in Amsterdam I found myself beginning to wear out. I knew a part of it was the new aspect of school 9-3:30 every day and I tried to give myself grace. But since we’ve returned to America, I’ve found myself in a new place entirely:
I’m burnt out.
I’m 32 weeks pregnant with our 4th baby in less than 5 years. Add to this the loss of Eisley which still weighs heavily on our hearts and minds, especially while entering another new season of life, again, without her. We moved back to America only to have our plans fall through for our next season – which was moving to Alaska. We are now living with my grandparents until the baby is born and we figure out the next step for us (we have a few things He’s laid on our heart.)
I’m physically, mentally and emotional worn out. In some ways I feel numb, but more than that I just feel like functioning with every day life is so difficult for me. I feel more worn out and exhausted than my 26-year-old “should” feel.
I realized something super significant while I was in Amsterdam. I watched my mother give 110% percent of her life to her children. She put aside her job, her dreams and she poured her everything into us. I watched this my entire life and even still, though now she works full time outside of the home (runs her own business even!) she still pours into her grown children.
I didn’t realize how much I’ve taken on how I saw her mother us upon myself, until this fall when I was away from my kids during the day. From the moment we had Chase, he became my whole world. Then Eisley, then Shailo… I know that a part of this is natural and it’s who I am. But I also know a part of this is having watched my mom pour into us over the years. I think that a part of me felt like I was failing if I didn’t have the homemaking and mothering down; home cooked meals from scratch every day, a clean and organized home, never really bothering Ted to help me, teaching my kiddos at home, etc etc…
While my sweet and amazing Madre could do all of this, and thrive. I cannot. It hit me this fall and even more so as we’ve been home.
I cannot do it all.
I hate cooking and I have no desire to learn to bake and cook amazing meals. I settle with healthy and SIMPLE and preferably quick.
I absolutely suck at keeping our home clean. I try to organize but it’s not a natural part of who I am. It’s exhausting.
I often choose my kids over my husband and it effects our relationship greatly.
I realize after almost 5 years of motherhood, I DO need help. I need to ask for help, I can’t do it all myself.
While I love being able to grow a baby within and I am so thankful she is healthy, I am hurting. I’m physically in so much pain this pregnancy, I don’t know how I’m going to make it to her birth date.
I feel like I’m failing as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter and sister, as a friend…
And you know why? because I haven’t taken the time for me. To refresh, to reenergize, to pause, to rest, etc. I’m so worn out, that even finding time to do the things I love wear me out; like crafting, decorating, blogging, playing with my boys, taking them outside and exploring etc. I’ve spent 2009-2013 pouring out everything I have into people I love and while that is a good thing, if there isn’t boundaries I’ve found I burn out.
This is why, in this season, I am letting go of my desire to homeschool Chase. This is why he’s in preschool where I know he will thrive with teachers and new friends over a burnt out momma who just can’t do it right now.
This is why I am letting go of a deep cleaned and organized space.
This is why I am sitting down to blog with hot tea and a hot heating pad on my back.
This is why I am choosing to let go of what I “should be” and be REAL with where I am at currently.
I don’t want to sink into this further and I feel like the best thing for me and for my family, is that if I let things go and if I rest = especially before Baby E.S. is born.
I guess I just wanted to write and let it all out. Get it out of my mind and to BE OKAY with where I am at.
And I will be in a better place soon. But I’ve got to pause as best I can, rest while I can and let go of what the I think I should be right now.