I feel broken inside. I am afraid. I feel confused. I ache, physically and emotionally.
I could let my mind go to the worst of the worst places, I could let fear overrule my every move; paralyzing me from believing truth, speaking truth, living truth. And to be honest, I probably will somedays.
I am now on complete bedrest, at 14 weeks pregnant. Little baby D is still doing well, but the clot in the placenta has grown in just 6 days, to be 2″. My doctor & a fetal medicine specialist felt to put me on bedrest, put me on more folic acid and iron and to wait this out. They told us that 50% of women can carry healthy babies and 50% lose the babies. This terrifies me so much.
I want to cling to hope and not to fear. Fearing will destroy me, especially in this season of my life. I really want to cling to hope, trusting Him with my whole heart. This is a huge and difficult task for me.
I couldn’t find a song I liked on the radio, I think 3 weeks back, and I ended up flipping to a christian talk show that caught my attention. A couple spoke about their trust in God despite an awful experience they had been through (getting pregnant with a really sick child, losing her at 32 weeks pregnant). There trust in God really, really struck me.
I had a much needed conversation with Him, came home that night and I told Ted, I felt like God was preparing me for something big. Something that would require a lot of trust (I even wrote it on my fb status). I didn’t think this would be it, but I knew he was preparing my heart for something
(Let me say though, I do not believe God caused this to happen, to teach me a lesson or something. That is not the God I know and love. I won’t go on and on, but I needed to say that.)
So here we are, waiting this out, praying for healing and clinging to this beautiful thing called hope. Hope in Him.
I love little baby D more than words can say and I will do whatever it takes to keep him/her safe, even if it means bedrest for almost 6 months more. Please, please, please pray for our baby and COMPLETE healing on the placenta.