I am worn out, spread thin, overwhelmed, emotional. I’m exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. (I am also slightly dramatic. I blame it on my crazy pregnant hormones.)
I feel like I am failing in someway or another lately. I can’t seem to break my way out of the negativity and this sense that I’m a failure.
Selfishly, I want to hear words of encouragement. I want to affirmation from someone, I need understanding, that being a mother can be incredibly difficult, exhausting, overwhelming at times and IS indeed a full time job. I want to hear I am doing a good job. I want to know I am not failing. I know there are many out there that can relate.
Today was one of those days where I just want to give up. Don’t get me wrong, Chase is an exceptionally great boy, but he barely naps and when he does, it’s usually a cat nap. He doesn’t like sleeping. He wants to go, go, go. So you’d think, because he takes cat naps instead of hour long ones, he’d sleep better at night right? Not at all. Especially while weaning him.
I also finally admit that I might be struggling and have been since I’ve had Chase. The most ridiculous thing is the fact that it boils down to my new look, my new body, my new weight. I’ve always been petite, small (minus age 13-15) and the reality that I am not anymore, that it’s going to take a lot of work to get back to my natural size… it’s incredibly hard. I cry about it a lot actually. My weakness is eating. I eat all of the time (even before prego). I fight my emotions with food. Always have, but this time, it sticks to me. The truth; I hate my body and what I’ve done to it. Somedays I don’t even go out because of my “depression” with my weight. I can’t help but looking forward to losing it after baby #2 but wonder if I ever really will. I mean, I know of mother’s, my aunt included, who lose is a year or years later, but I don’t want to have this clinging to me anymore. I sold some of my “skinny clothes” from before I was pregnant with Chase, yesterday. It was so hard. I am nearly 4 sizes bigger than before I started and 6 sizes bigger than my wedding day. I can barely handle thinking about it…Please pray for me and my state of mind with this.
Yeah, basically today I’m worn out. I’d LOVE a nap. I actually did something I never really do, I handed him to Ted and went for a drive. By myself. I feel better, getting time to myself, but I realize, I’m missing balance. I need “me time” desperately, especially since I have another little one on the way. I need to figure this out now or I will be one of those frazzled mom’s of 4 before I know it!
I just needed to write. To process. Thanks for readin’.