A Struggling Momma.

I am worn out, spread thin, overwhelmed, emotional. I’m exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. (I am also slightly dramatic. I blame it on my crazy pregnant hormones.)

I feel like I am failing in someway or another lately. I can’t seem to break my way out of the negativity and this sense that I’m a failure.

Selfishly, I want to hear words of encouragement. I want to affirmation from someone, I need understanding, that being a mother can be incredibly difficult, exhausting, overwhelming at times and IS indeed a full time job. I want to hear I am doing a good job. I want to know I am not failing. I know there are many out there that can relate.

Today was one of those days where I just want to give up. Don’t get me wrong, Chase is an exceptionally great boy, but he barely naps and when he does, it’s usually a cat nap. He doesn’t like sleeping. He wants to go, go, go. So you’d think, because he takes cat naps instead of hour long ones, he’d sleep better at night right? Not at all. Especially while weaning him.

I also finally admit that I might be struggling and have been since I’ve had Chase. The most ridiculous thing is the fact that it boils down to my new look, my new body, my new weight. I’ve always been petite, small (minus age 13-15) and the reality that I am not anymore, that it’s going to take a lot of work to get back to my natural size… it’s incredibly hard. I cry about it a lot actually. My weakness is eating. I eat all of the time (even before prego). I fight my emotions with food. Always have, but this time, it sticks to me. The truth; I hate my body and what I’ve done to it. Somedays I don’t even go out because of my “depression” with my weight. I can’t help but looking forward to losing it after baby #2 but wonder if I ever really will. I mean, I know of mother’s, my aunt included, who lose is a year or years later, but I don’t want to have this clinging to me anymore. I sold some of my “skinny clothes” from before I was pregnant with Chase, yesterday. It was so hard. I am nearly 4 sizes bigger than before I started and 6 sizes bigger than my wedding day. I can barely handle thinking about it…Please pray for me and my state of mind with this.

Yeah, basically today I’m worn out. I’d LOVE a nap. I actually did something I never really do, I handed him to Ted and went for a drive. By myself. I feel better, getting time to myself, but I realize, I’m missing balance. I need “me time” desperately, especially since I have another little one on the way. I need to figure this out now or I will be one of those frazzled mom’s of 4 before I know it!

I just needed to write. To process. Thanks for readin’.


13 thoughts on “A Struggling Momma.

  1. Lhey says:

    Trust me you are not alone. I have times like that too. I have 2 kids, 1 is 9 a girl, who is going through a phase of turning into a drama queen. My boy is 3 and he’s so active and I’m pregnant with my 3rd due on the 31st. I am exhausted too. But I try to find “me” time even through writing and reading.everything will be okay, just use the hormones as an excuse. That works for me all the time! Goodluck, and smile, you are doing a great job!

    Lhey :-)


    • colourherhope says:

      Thank you for your encouragement. I imagine with each new kiddo finding “me” time is so hard but it’s all worth it too. Congrats on number 3!


  2. evie says:

    You are a great mommy! I’ve realized that “my best” as a mom is nothing compared to my best when I’m relying completely on God. I know that sometimes it can be stressful/challenging/overwhelming, it’s in those moments that you have to give yourself perspective and realize that His strength is made perfect in your weakness.

    And don’t feel bad about asking for alone time! You need it — and sometimes the only way you can get it is to be intentional about it!


    • colourherhope says:

      You’re so right. It’s when i forget to reply on Him and His strength, things get really rough. Thank you for writing and reminding me. I need to hear this.


  3. evie says:

    PS Would you be interested in keeping each other accountable on the eating stuff? My eating has gotten out of control with this pregnancy, and at this point I just need some accountability! Just email me if you are interested. It wouldn’t have to be much, just an end of the day email to see how you did, sending each other encouraging messages, etc. I know it would help me!


  4. Jess Alley says:

    I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you!! You ARE an amazing woman and mom! You are loved, you are valued, you are cherished!! I appreciate your friendship! I feel the same way so often!! You are not alone!!! Thanks for being honest! You put it into words when I often struggle to. I love you friend! Thanks!!


  5. Madre says:

    Jami, I felt like I was reading exactly how I felt after having Kaden. I was overwhemed, exhausted, and Kaden didn’t sleep either. I am realizing more and more how very hard all of that time was. Somehow we just survive, but not thrive. You are right, Chase is a very good boy. When I am feeling more like myself, I’d like to take him places to help you get a respite. I was just thinking this morning about how much fun we could have at the city pool! And if you haven’t heard me lately, you are an AMAZING mother! Your children will know how passionate you are about them, how much you love them and want the very best for them. Let me give you one piece of advice, because I see some of the same feelings in you that I have had. It was soooo very important to me to be a good mom; to be an exceptional mom. I’m not even sure what motivated that. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, because after 13 years of homeschooling and 23 years of being a parent, I find myself at a loss of what to do with myself. Lately I just cry, because I don’t know who I am without homeschooling or guiding or instructing. No one wants to listen to me anymore, and so I find myself giving up…giving up on my children because things aren’t going the way I wanted them to, the way I thought they would. I feel like I have failed in so many ways because I have lost relationship with my kids left at home. I say all this to say, MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF, and find time to nurture your relationship with Ted, and let him know how overwhelmed, and ultimately scared you are about life and the future. I’m just now learning how to let dad be my friend, after 21 years. Don’t wait too long. You will regret it.

    I couldn’t ask for a more precious oldest daughter. You are and will be treasured by your kids all the days of their life. I speak peace, strength, endurance, and patience over you, in the name of Jesus. May the enemy never steal from you the joy of today and in loving those around you passionately. Read your bible. Maybe even find a Bible Study you would enjoy. They have a Moms4Moms at our church every other Tuesday morning, where you can come, let Chase be in the nursery, and learn from the speaker and fellowship with other young moms. It is so important. There is a rare gift in being so open and honest. It puts other people at ease and lets them open up. You find you are not alone, like Jess and Evie said. Mothering is the hardest, most difficult job in the world, and when we do it full time, there are no paychecks, no “atta girl”, no pats on the back or bonuses. It is hard work, and although there ARE rewards and great, fun times, it is ultimately a dying to self daily work. Hear me when I say that you ARE doing a phenomenal job! I love you so very much and am so proud to call you one of my own! Your loving Madre’.


  6. Joel Hermansen says:

    You are still a pretty lady. I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant, but i know what it’s like to struggle. That’s what made me want to read this blog. I find it encouraging to hear that other people are struggling. That often connects us. And we are stronger when we struggle together. And we remember what we are struggling for. And what (or actually who) you are struggling for is worth so much more than I can imagine! I suppose the tough thing about staying in shape physically is that your children take so much of your time and attention. I pray that after this pregnancy, you will be able to make time here and there to exercise. I can picture you and Ted running together. It doesn’t have to be long either. Just 30 minutes 3 or 4 times a week. And I know you will have plenty of aunts and uncles who will want to hang with the kids. But one thing at a time! Remember that God’s strength is made perfect in your weaknesses. I am praying for you and Ted, and I am so eager to talk to Ted to find out what all you guys have been up to! You are in a good place.


    • colourherhope says:

      Thank you Joel! You are right about His strength made perfect in our weakness. And running with Ted sounds AMAZING to me. Working out always sounds that way to me when I am pregnant haha, I hope this lasts until he/she comes!


  7. Jessica says:

    I found your blog, blog hopping and love it! Just wanted to tell you, I had to quit nursing suddenly and it was so emotional. A lot of people do not understand if they have never had to do it. You are very hormonal right now and all of your feelings are so normal. As soon as you completely wean him, I think you will def notice a difference in your emotions. I have suffered from depression and most of it was linked to my hormones. I will also tell you with the weight thing, you WILL get back down to the size you were on your wedding day. I am the size I was when I graduated from high school….and I have 3 kids. I decided after the 3rd I wanted to lose all the extra weight and I have lost 60 pounds since the birth of my last child. Enjoy being pregnant and know you are normal and mothering is the hardest, yet most rewarding job in the world. You are a great Mom, keep your head up:)


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