Weaning. Need I say more?
Well, yes actually, cause it’s me and cause I need to process, maybe get some advice :)
It’s been an incredibly rough few weeks and we’re not finished yet. Weaning is taking a lot from Chase, Ted and I. I don’t really even know where to begin. It’s heart wrenching, exhausting, frustrating, disheartening, draining…
I thought I would nurse him for the first 3 months of this pregnancy (so another few weeks) but I’ve had to cut back immensely because Chase nursed so much (because he wasn’t getting enough), which caused my uterus to contract and that frightened me.
So basically we went from nursing every 1 1/2 to nursing 2 or maybe 3 times a day at the most. The evenings are the worst. Even still.
Ted has been incredible. Chase just wants to nurse when he wakes hungry, he won’t take a bottle from me, so Ted wakes up with him, feeds him a bottle and gets him back to bed. I am so impressed and so very thankful! I don’t know how I would do this without his help. But some nights, Chase refuses a bottle and we put him in his bed, put classical music on and let him cry it out until he falls asleep. I really, really dislike that part. I lay in bed, awake and sometimes crying until he falls asleep. We’ve never let him cry it out before and I feel so guilty doing that to him so suddenly.
I have personally been struggling a lot since we began this process. Part of this is because it is my first trimester causing a hormonal and emotional change in my body. But most of my struggle lies in feeling like I’m losing apart of the bond I have with Chase and feeling like Chase is losing some of the security and comfort he felt before.
I also have to really push myself to get up and get moving each day. I feel like I’m struggling with depression again. Even the things I love feel like a chore, like taking photos of Chase or for a project I am doing, or to write this blog, or to journal, to be crafty, go for a walk, etc.
I try and hold him, snuggle and cuddle him often but most times he wants to nurse. Last night I held him and he just fell asleep in my arms after taking a bottle (from Ted). He snuggled up to my chest and I scratched his back (which he loves) and he fell asleep almost immediately. I just sat there and stared at him in awe and cherished the moment. He wasn’t nursing, he was simply cuddling. Moments like that make this process feel a lot better.
There is hope. I mean, there is a plus side. The negative emotions just sometimes get the best of me. Honestly though, there is progress. He is taking a bottle from me more and more often and nursing less and less. He is probably gaining the weight back that he lost so suddenly. He’s begun cuddling without wanting to nurse. And tonight, as I was writing this blog, I took a break to feed him a bottle. He took the bottle from me easily and even held it himself. I almost cried. Just the encouragement I needed tonight!
Just needed to process. Thanks for reading :)