Chase Journey · Ted Harlan

Trust Me.

To me these pictures portray a beautiful picture of God, our Father.

They also portray exactly what I wanted to write about in this post; {Trust}.

To me, trust{ing} is difficult, it is precious, it is fragile. It typically takes me a while to be able to trust someone, something. It takes a lot of precious time and discernment for me. And once broken, it takes a while for me to trust again.

For the longest time, I actually felt like God was untrustworthy. I felt abandoned, neglected, wounded. “Where were You when I needed You the most?” was the question I often asked.

I remember in my DTS, a speaker taught on the father heart of God. I was skeptical at first, but then I could not help but be completely captivated by the man’s undeniable trust that this was who God was.  3 years later, this same speaker came through YWAM Denver and this time spoke to the staff. He shared about something in his past that broke him; the loss of the woman he loved. He shared about how much he questioned his Father and how he felt God ask him to lay down the question of “why” and put his complete trust in Him, despite everything. And let me just say, you can see how much this man loves and trusts God.

He challenged me to truly trust God. I am so thankful that our Father allows us to ask the tough questions. But I also know now, that when we put our trust in Him, when we truly put aside the questions of “why”, we feel the most peace. I know now, He will never leave me nor forsake me. This is what I cling to.

At Eagle Rock Wednesday morning, we had a time of worship. I wasn’t going to go because we’d had such a bad night with Chase, but I really felt like I should. I went with Chase on my hip. From the moment I walked into worship, someone else had Chase. Most mornings I want him in my arms, but this morning I knew God wanted to speak to me and He needed my undivided attention.

I couldn’t sing every song, every word and I spent time just listening. I felt God asking me to trust him with my son. I’ve been struggling with trusting him with my everything for a very, very long time and this was one area that I haven’t completely given him. He asked me and it took me a while and I  finally {said} I would trust him with Chase. That was just the problem with the times before, when He’d ask me to trust him with Chase. I said, but didn’t do.

Wednesday evening Chase fell from our a 3′ plus bed onto concrete floor. It was one split second that changed everything for Ted and I. We were terrified. Chase was screaming and wouldn’t even eat. After a few minutes he calmed, ate and then became lethargic. We panicked and drove a van down the mountain to the Emergency Room in Arvada. On the drive down, we were almost speechless with fear. I sat with my hand on Chase, questioning God. “Did you ask me to trust you with my son because you knew this would happen?” I was so upset, “How could you let this happen?” I thought. . A lot of our relationship has been built around this wall of fear and mistrust in Him and here I was again, questioning him.

I immediately realized that He did not do this and that He was trustworthy. He was telling me to trust Him despite the outcome. Still terrified for my son, I felt peace. I fully and completely gave my son to him, for the first time. I can’t explain this in any other way then by saying, I feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. The burden of “being in control”, gone.

We went to the ER and Chase was completely okay. Just a little shaken up. I have wondered if I would still be saying I can trust in Him or that I gave Chase to Him if something was wrong, but I know a peace right now like never before because I know I am not in control. He is.

This picture makes me cry.

How much I love my son… it’s indescribable. I would give my life for him in a heartbeat. I would never leave him nor forsake him.

Why would I ever doubt if my Father would do the same for me? For you?

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9 thoughts on “Trust Me.

  1. Jami – I love you and I love how you are so real with the things you write. I completely understand and have had a hard time with this even more so now that I have my hysterectomy, because I know these are the only kids I can ever have. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love to read you blogs.

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  2. Babe- Thanks for writing something that is real and raw that is where you are at that isn’t sugar coated that is what you believe! Love ya!!!

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  3. Jami-this brought tears to my eyes, like alot of things you write. Its like you speak(write) exactly how I feel about my son too..the love we feel for our children is just indescribable. you are a wonderful mother! love u!

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  4. Jami, What a precious, valuable lesson you are learning…When we are weak, then we are strong b/c that is when God shows us his strength to hold all things together. Learning this at your age is truly a blessing. It has taken me 42 years. I love the way you capture the reality of life in your pictures and then use your words to touch the heart of us all! You are a blessing and a JOY. I can’t wait to see you and Chase! Love and kisses, Madre’

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