Today I have really struggled with being insecure and dissatisfied with where we are in life.
I want, I want, I want;
- A place to call home, A place to settle in. Roots, A HOME of our own, with a backyard, A home for me to decorate, To eat healthy. Organic even! Gym passes for Ted and I, new clothes for Ted and I, a nice, reliable, new car,….. there is so much WANT in me right now!
I don’t know what is going on. I feel like it’s an attack.
I know that the wants and the desire for these things is stemming out of being dissatisfied with myself in other areas.
Ultimately, it boils down to feeling disgusted with myself for not trying hard to lose this baby weight, for the way I eat and what I am eating/drinking, I shouldn’t have lost a pound.
I am frustrated with myself for not spending the time I do want and need with God, for not using my time wisely and doing the creative projects I desire to do.
I am dissatisfied today. Immensely so!! I feel like I am too far gone to do anything I really desire. I have always had desire to create, to live life to the fullest and to not waste my time and I feel like I am stuck.
The only thing I feel encouraged in today is the fact that Chase is secure in knowing he is loved. You can honestly just tell. He is such a truly happy and chill little guy. I spend a lot of time with Chase, talking with him, hanging out on the floor playing with him, singing, going for walks, getting out for the day, etc. It is the one area I feel like I am doing good in.
Ugh, please pray for me. I’ve been working on the fruits of the spirit and I am failing miserably.