I remember the first few weeks of my Discipleship Training School well,
Sitting in teaching after teaching with my dark black hair covering half of my face,
Hiding, or at least trying to.
I remember hearing people talk of a relationship with God as if He was right next to them,
And I also remember thinking, these people were seriously crazy.
What had I gotten myself into?
What were they even talking about?
I remember a specific teaching of who God was.
The Father heart of God.
The teacher spoke of God as a friend, a father, our saviour, a lover, etc.
This was quite unbelievable to me, because I had never personally experienced God as any of those.
To me, He was powerful, almighty and far far away.
But the thing that made me curious, was the look in this man’s eyes.
As our teacher spoke of God in this way, he had such a peace and an expression that said,
this is who God is.
I remember him giving us a sheet of paper with verses of who God is and asking us to spend a few hours meditating on the scriptures.
I took the sheet and went to my favourite quiet time spot; at a baseball field next to our base on a staircase.
I remember first hearing God speak to me here,
He told me I was His beloved.
I sat in silence for a while. In disbelief.
I was His beloved? Why? What did that even mean?
Since that moment, God has been showing me who He is and where He has been in specific moments in my life. He has shown me His different attributes and how real and personable He is. He has shown me who I am in Him.
It’s been an incredible, healing process and it definitely hasn’t been easy.
It’s taken time and I still have a long way to go, but I have hope!
I’ve been disheartened lately,
See, as I have been finding who I am in Him, I have been really trying to step out of who I think I am.
This is hard.
It’s the identity I’ve know for most of my life, so leaving this behind is somewhat scary.
Stepping into the unknown.
I am not the most outgoing or outspoken person.
And along the way of finding who I am in Christ,
I’ve realized more and more the quiet nature that He has given me.
I’ve learned to appreciate who I am, rather than be discouraged that I am not this or that.
Recently I’ve realized how most people view me if they do not personally know me.
It hurts because I am not a terrible person.
Because I am more quiet or don’t initiate conversation, this does not make me a mean or intense person, which surprisingly I’ve found that more and more people think this.
In fact, once someone gets to know me, they usually tell me what their first impression of me was. This is not always encouraging to hear :)
A situation arose yesterday that made me realize, once again, how people may view me.
I am trying to step out and let people get to know me.
But I myself am learning just who I am in Christ.
It’s a difficult transition, but one worthy of pursuing.
I just needed to share and process a bit.