Tag Archives: journaling

Letting Go.

Posted on by

0

Today my mom and my friend Bethany both encouraged me with very similar things; being emotionally real and letting go of what hold onto so tightly.
They weren’t just talking about what I want our birth story to look like, they were talking about something deeper. (They didn’t actually say that, but I knew).
My trust in Him is what immediately came to mind. It is my weakness to pull away, to withdraw my hand, when things become difficult or tough. It is hard for me to trust Him completely, with my everything. I begin to try and take control of the situation in fear of what His will might be.
I am afraid He will leave me.
His will for me sometimes scares me, because of my past. I am left wondering how He expects me to truly trust Him completely. Then I remember how much He probably is longing for that. For my trust in Him again. And even how much He truly does deserve my everything.
This isn’t easy.
This isn’t simple.
Yet…

Here I am, letting go. Learning to trust.

This Helpless isn’t Hopeless.

Posted on by

2

I’m aching today and not just in the pregnancy way.

My heart is really hurting and my spirit feels weary.
Each new day as I wait for our baby to make his/her arrival
My emotions sky rocket.
That could be what today is all about.
I just feel completely worn out and weary.
A lot of the turmoil within is from feeling helpless.
Helpless is seeing the people I love and care for the most really find who they are and walk in that with their everything.
Helpless as I watch them hurting.
Helpless as I watch them turning away from the very thing they need the most.
Helpless as I watch my Love go for his dreams, only to have them slowly taken away from him, little by little.
Helpless is knowing when our little one will arrive and if he/she will be healthy and safe in this world.
Helpless in the times I feel alone.
Helpless in just waiting for all of the above to be made right.
But this helpless isn’t hopeless.
I do know this much.
I will hold onto this with all of my heart.

I dream of what I cannot fathom.

Posted on by

2


I dream of what I cannot fathom.

(Written May 11 on my suchprettyrain.blogspot.com )
I dream of that moment when I first hold you in my arms

And whisper my love to you and cry
I dream of your little eyes starting into mine
Already glowing because you know how much I love you
For I know you will!
I dream of singing “You are my sunshine”
As you lay beside me in bed and your little hand holds tightly to my finger
I dream of the moments where you lay between momma and daddy
And we watch in awe at our creation- You, our precious baby.
I dream of times during worship, where daddy will hold you against his chest
And I will probably cry because it will be the most beautiful sight
I dream of what you might look like
And you always leave me wondering, will you be dark like momma or light like daddy?
I dream of your first little smiles, your first tiny giggles, your first words…
You always leave me wondering what your personality will be!
Will you be shy like momma or bold and courageous like daddy?
Either way I know that your little smile while capture everyone!
I dream of you cuddling against me and falling asleep as I hold you closely
Those moments I will adore.
I dream of watching your daddy talk baby talk to you and you smiling and giggling in return.
I dream of our new little family beginning with excitement and joy!
I dream of who you will become and you finding who you are in Christ!
You are so precious to me, my sweet baby.
You have already taken apart of my heart and I will never ask for it back,
For you, my baby, I love and will always adore.
I dream of the first moment that I see you and they place you on my chest,
I cannot even fathom the love that I will feel in that moment.
I love you my little sunshine and can’t wait to meet you face to face in a few weeks!

Worthy of Pursuing.

Posted on by

2

I remember the first few weeks of my Discipleship Training School well,

Sitting in teaching after teaching with my dark black hair covering half of my face,
Hiding, or at least trying to.
I remember hearing people talk of a relationship with God as if He was right next to them,
And I also remember thinking, these people were seriously crazy.
What had I gotten myself into?
What were they even talking about?
I remember a specific teaching of who God was.
The Father heart of God.
The teacher spoke of God as a friend, a father, our saviour, a lover, etc.
This was quite unbelievable to me, because I had never personally experienced God as any of those.
To me, He was powerful, almighty and far far away.
But the thing that made me curious, was the look in this man’s eyes.
As our teacher spoke of God in this way, he had such a peace and an expression that said,
this is who God is.
I remember him giving us a sheet of paper with verses of who God is and asking us to spend a few hours meditating on the scriptures.
I took the sheet and went to my favourite quiet time spot; at a baseball field next to our base on a staircase.
I remember first hearing God speak to me here,
He told me I was His beloved.
I sat in silence for a while. In disbelief.
I was His beloved? Why? What did that even mean?
Since that moment, God has been showing me who He is and where He has been in specific moments in my life. He has shown me His different attributes and how real and personable He is. He has shown me who I am in Him.
It’s been an incredible, healing process and it definitely hasn’t been easy.
It’s taken time and I still have a long way to go, but I have hope!
I’ve been disheartened lately,
See, as I have been finding who I am in Him, I have been really trying to step out of who I think I am.
This is hard.
It’s the identity I’ve know for most of my life, so leaving this behind is somewhat scary.
Stepping into the unknown.
And trusting.
I am not the most outgoing or outspoken person.
And along the way of finding who I am in Christ,
I’ve realized more and more the quiet nature that He has given me.
I’ve learned to appreciate who I am, rather than be discouraged that I am not this or that.
Recently I’ve realized how most people view me if they do not personally know me.
It hurts because I am not a terrible person.
Because I am more quiet or don’t initiate conversation, this does not make me a mean or intense person, which surprisingly I’ve found that more and more people think this.
In fact, once someone gets to know me, they usually tell me what their first impression of me was. This is not always encouraging to hear :)
A situation arose yesterday that made me realize, once again, how people may view me.
I am trying to step out and let people get to know me.
But I myself am learning just who I am in Christ.
It’s a difficult transition, but one worthy of pursuing.
I just needed to share and process a bit.

Therefore I Have Hope.

Posted on by

0

“ The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“ Therefore I hope in Him!”

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,

To the soul who seeks Him.
Lam 3:24-25
I admit, I can be a bit dramatic sometimes.
But I can honestly say that I really am struggling with loneliness again.
I spent a lot of time this morning wondering why it keeps sneaking up on me and I can’t figure it out.
The only thing that I can think of that actually makes sense, is that this is an attack on me.
Especially before I become a mother.
Lamentations used to be one of my favourite books of the Bible, isn’t that kind of sad?
And then here I am again, dwelling on this scripture because right now, this is what I need.
I need to remember my hope is in Him.
I need to remember that I am not alone.
That He will never leave me.
I realized that for a while during this pregnancy, I really backed away from something God was speaking to me.
You see, He kept asking me, “Jami, do you trust me with your child?”
I didn’t want to let go and I struggled with the thought of opening this tightly clenched fist that comforted me so much, knowing that I was in control (or thinking I was) of our baby.
I struggle with completely trusting Him with everything. In fact, I can honestly say that I have never yet trusted Him completely with my everything.
I have given Him areas and I have trusted Him with this or with that.
And this really grieves me!
Why can’t this be easy and why can’t I let go?
I wonder if this is why I am experiencing such a deep loneliness.
Not because He is making me lonely, but because I am not completely willing to let go.
Which causes me to slightly back away, inch by inch, from the very loving arms I need to be in.
Father, I want to learn to trust you in everything. I want to trust that you have never left me and that you will never leave me. I want to trust that you will take care of our new baby and the many more children to come. I want to trust you, yet it is so hard for me. Please bear with me as You wait and thank you for being patient with me. I love you, I can honestly say this. I love you and I want to trust you completely.


My Stagnant Dwelling is No More.

Posted on by

0

I realized this morning how pathetic I have been

This is not a pity party blog update, just simply the truth
I’ve spent so much of my time dwelling upon the times where I felt You abandoned me
The times where I have felt alone and wondered where You were.
I’ve spent the past few months replaying many situations
Which cause me to feel alone and  to wallow in old lies I once believed.
It sickens me, causes me to see only in shades of gray, yet again.
This dwelling is leaving me stagnant. Walking me in circles.
A vicious cycle of fear, loneliness and disbelief.
It hit me so suddenly this morning.
Why am I not rejoicing? How am I standing stagnant in remembering the things of the past?
Why am I not thanking You for your healing hand?
At first I felt such a guilt for feeling the way I have been feeling and not bringing You praise.
Then I remembered who You are and how You love me, how You’ve lifted my downcast spirit, how You’ve lifted my eyes until I met Yours, how You’ve taken me in Your arms, how You’ve healed me both inside and out.
How can I not rejoice and walk in victory?
Oh Father I know Your love for me is unfathomable it is so great, so deep and so wide.
Thank you for loving me for me. Thank you for bringing me out of the dark and lonely road and into Your loving arms.
Thank You for always being right beside me even when it hurt, for I know You now and I know You were crying there beside me.

Thank you for pursuing me until I realized Your love for me.
Thank You for walking along side me, even now as I write.
Leading me into more understand of who You are and Your great love for me.
Help me to portray You to my daughter or my son, as the most loving Father, trustworthy in every way, faithful, true, forgiving, a healer, a friend…
For you are everything good. I want them to know You as You’ve shown Yourself to me, to Ted.
Help us portray You as who You are.

Love,

Taking Your Hand.

Posted on by

0

I spend a lot of my time wondering what You are doing, instead of just trusting that You know how to lead us. You know where You are taking us and that should be good enough, but for some reason, my mind thinks that it isn’t.

So many times You’ve reached out and asked us to take your hand and trust You and so many times we’ve done so with such hesitancy, fearing the unknown, yet every time you grasp our hand in Yours so tightly and lead us right to where we need to be.
You walk with us through the times where it seems so desolate and lonely. The times where everything seems to be going wrong. The times where we fall hard and have a rough time getting back up. The times where we cry because it hurts so much inside. The times where we rejoice. The times when we laugh.
Yes, through every valley, every shadow, every trip, every stone thrown our way, every word that we have said, you still grasp our hand tightly. Never to let us go.
Thank You for always being there, even when we were so blind to Your presence. I know you were there through the good times and the bad. Through the thick and the thin.  Through the ugly, painful times and the beautiful times of restoration.
You’ve never let us go.

My Ted.

Posted on by

0

Sunday is my Ted’s 24th birthday. A celebration!

This morning I picked up a dear friend of his from the airport as a surprise and when Ted saw him, he almost cried. He was so touched by how much his friend loves him.
I realized this morning, as I watched the two of them hug, just how much my husband needs affirmation, encouragement and to know that he is loved just as much if not more than I think I need them.
I realized I spend a lot of my time with him, talking about how I am doing, the things I am struggling with, the ways that I need to feel loved and complaining even still. It’s all about me.
I am determined to let him know, each and every day, just how much I love him. I am determined to encourage him and affirm him.
I also realize that God is His ultimate source of encouragement, affirmation and love, otherwise he would probably be a mess. He is composed and know how much God loves him and that makes a huge difference in how he lives.
But I also know that there are certain encouragements, affirmations and love that only a wife could give to him and that is what I am writing about today.
My Ted is a passionate, inspiring, creative man of God. He is everything that a girl could ask for in a husband and more. He is man with many visions, dreams and life goals that I know he will pursue until the end. He is my lover, my prince charming and my best friend. He know who he is in Christ and chooses to walk in complete fullness.
I am proud to call him my husband and I am thankful to God for bringing us together as one.
I am thankful for this opportunity to embark on this journey together and watch as our dreams collide into this beautiful array of colours.

Mardi Gras Reflections

Posted on by

2


Hello Everyone sorry it has been so long since our last post! I wanted to write up a though I had on my trip to Mardi Gras. (Ted)

The streets of New Orleans were just as everyone described; Rich architecture, Good food, and Beautiful music. As I wandered around I found myself people watching. Not the tourist who come to drink the nights away in a crowded street with chaotic music bumping away. but of the locals who call this unique place home.
There was this man who was set up on a bench. He had a cheap little amp and a fairly cheap classical guitar. You could here him playing at the back part of Jackson Square in front of the church. As I walked up to spectate his show I found myself some what lost in the music. He played many well known Classical hits, but he played them with a conviction that was mesmerizing. It seemed as though the music brought stimulation to all 5 senses.
After a time he put the guitar down. Grabbed for a bottle of whiskey and drank. I was shocked to find that he was drunk. I felt sad as i realized how I had forgotten that humanity has the finger print of God on it. This man was not a shallow drunken hobo with no soul, No he was a human who has an understanding that there is beauty. Now I don’t know What he believes, but I do know that he was expressing something beautiful to the world. I believe that God is Beautiful, and as we show beautiful things we bring a greater understanding to the Beauty that he is. Just as we love one another we bring greater understanding of how He is Love.
I wonder how many times do I keep the beautiful things that I see inside…….When there is a hurting world that desires to see beauty, because it brings hope. I want to express the beauty inside of me because I want to express God.
Let’s take time to express the beauty we see around us!

Why, Hello Spring.

Posted on by

0

Moments of weariness

All drain away
As I watch with excitement
This glorious change
A field of joy
And lilies divine
My colour of freedom
Splayed all throughout
This beautiful sky
A beautiful blue
No longer silent and grey
No longer a shadow
Hiding from day
No, for out pours this rain
A sweet, pretty rain
With such a lovely fragrance
Of a glorious spring
You cannot, you will not
Ever stop spring
For after rain
Comes to colour
And my sweet lilies
You cannot
You will not
Ever stop spring
Travel light Darling,
Smile bright, cause golly it’s how you smile
Inspiration from Song of Solomon 2:11-14